Heading Home....Me, not Ava:-(

It is amazing how awake and happy I can be on such little sleep! I am completely enamored by my little princess, and try to spend as much time with her as possible. So I apologize in advance if some of this makes no sense.

It looks like I will be released today. Unfortunately, Ava will have to stay a little longer. She is doing WONDERFUL, however. She is off her oxygen again, and on room air, she had all of her IV lines take out yesterday, and she should be going into an open crib today!!

My milk came in and it looks like I am already keeping up with my little porker! She is taking 40+ ml of breast milk each feeding, and i am pumping 50+ each session. When we have kangaroo time (skin to skin cuddle time for 1 hour), I pump almost 80 ml after that!! It is  amazing how in tuned the baby and mom are and how their bodies react to each other! Did you know that holding her against my chest, my body naturally regulates her body temp? and if I were to have twins and hold one on each bare breast, each breast would regulate each twin's body temperature?!? amazing!!

Any way, we are slowly trying to get her used to breast feeding, and she know WHAT to do, she just doesn't like how much work it takes to get it done. The lactation specialist says this is completely normal for a preemie, since it takes a lot out of them to feed. She told me not to get too frustrated until she gets closer to her due date. So we still practice, but her feedings are still through bottle, but with PLENTY of my milk!!

Bug got to feed her and snuggle with Ava last night because she worked. I am so glad they are getting their bonding time! It will definitely make it easier to leave the hospital tonight knowing Bug will be working:-)

Things are going well, and I feel like the most blessed woman on earth!!

29 Weeks

I am so sorry it has been over a week since my last update. If you remember, I was in the lovely state of Wisconsin, and I will tell you all about my amazing weekend, but since yesterday marked my 29 week mark, I will do the survey today.

Size of baby:

According to Babycenter, she should be about 2.5 lbs. Well, we all know from my last appointment, she was weighing in at a WHOPPING 2lbs10oz. SO I am guessing she is closer to 3lbs. She should be about 15 inches now.

Weight: I don't weigh myself every week, only when the doc weighs me. Last week I had only gained about 1lb, so up 13 this pregnancy....of course still have the 25 lbs from Rosalynn, but we won't count those this time:-)
Maternity clothes: seriously?!?! Have you seen my belly?!?!?

Sleep: Sleep has been going really well surprisingly. I slept great in Wisconsin in the hotel, and it has seemed to carry over back home too. I will take it! For we all know sleep will be hard to come by in a few weeks!

Best moment of the week: Yesterday I could officially say that I will, God willing, be bringing home a baby NEXT MONTH!!! How amazing does that sound?!?!?!

Movement: This is my favorite part about pregnancy! She is funny. Because she is Breech, her little head pops in and out from under my left rib. When I rub my belly, she will pop it out further...almost as if she likes having her head rubbed. I am afraid she is going to come out with a raspberry on her head from all the rubbing. At least I will know what makes her relax:-)

Symptoms: Gestational Diabetes that is staying under control with diet, sciatic nerve pain that I have gotten ALOT of relief from physical therapy. I also all of the sudden feel AMAZING lately. The past 2-3 weeks I have felt better than I ever have in either pregnancies. I am wondering if it is because of the diabetic diet. Keeping my sugars under control and losing a few pounds has made all the difference.

I did have a slight scare for about 1/2 a day. I took my sugar and it was reading lower than it usually does. The night of the formal dinner in Wisconsin and said "screw it" to my diet. I explained to Foster that if my sugar was a little high ONCE the entire pregnancy, and I explained to my doc why, I am sure he would not scold me too bad. So I enjoyed the ENTIRE meal to include mashed potatoes and three mini desserts. Now, it was probably a blessing that each mini dessert was literally 1-2 bites a piece. 2 hours after dinner I took out my meter and told Foster to guess what it would be. He said 140, I said 150. It was 106. I immediately freaked out. My sugars are never that good even when I steer clear of heavy carbs. The first thing that went through my head was that half the placenta was dead like with Rosalynn. The placenta is what causes your sugars to go up with GD because it makes a lot of sugar on it's own. I whipped out the doppler, and her HB sounded strange. It was steady at 150-160, but sounded far away. I think she either had her back turned to me or was sitting far back. This caused me enough worry that I lost sleep and told Foster that if my "test" the next morning proved I was no longer diabetic, I would call the doc first thing.

So I woke up and had the biggest Belgium waffle with REAL sugar syrup on it. Sure enough, 2 hours later my blood sugar was 160. I was ecstatic. I NEVER thought in a million years I would be excited about a high blood sugar. Foster thought it was quite humerus. However, this increase in BS proved to me that the placenta was full and the night before I guess was my get out of jail free card....and then I had to blow it with a waffle!

Food cravings/aversions: anything sweet....which I can't indulge in.
Gender: Still a Beautiful HEALTHY baby GIRL!!!! Miss Avaleen Rose (Ava)

Belly button in or out: Still in, however, it is flattening out, and I have a feeling it WILL pop this time around.
Stretch marks: They wont stop appearing!! I am going to look like and 80 year old woman when this is all said and done!

What I miss: Nothing at the moment!
What I am looking forward to: My first non-stress test next week. I have never had one.
Weekly wisdom: Don't feel bad when you can't "keep up" with all the young, non-pregnant party goers. It is OK to turn in early, and if you are blessed like I am, you will have a husband who wants to turn in early with you.
Pic Week 29:

Mom and Dave says it looks like I REALLY popped all belly this week.

Quick Update on Avaleen and Me

Sorry I have been a little absent lately. I have been keeping busy with photos and editing, spending time with family and Foster. He has been out of town on and off the past couple weeks and is leaving again, so trying to get every minute of time with him.

This past week I started getting sick on Monday. I BARELY made it through my 12 hour shift on Monday night, and went home dead as a doornail. I ended up calling off Tuesday and Wednesday because I just got worse! I was lucky to get into my doctor's office on Wednesday, and he let me know what I could take. It was frustrating, because everything I have been told I could take during pregnancy had "Do Not take if diabetic or have thyroid disease" on the package. I have BOTH, so I was at a loss on what I COULD take, so I didn't take anything until Dr. C told me what I could take.

We discussed the plan a little further. He said instead of 32 weeks starting the Non Stress Tests, he is starting at 30. He also said that I might as well put my leave paperwork in for work at the 34 week mark when we are scheduled to do the amnio, because hopefully we will be delivering that day, but if not, shortly after. CRAZY!! Crazy to think she will be here in 8-10 weeks!!

My sugars have been good and completely manageable by diet alone, so that is comforting.Dr. C says that it could get worse further into the pregnancy as the placenta gets bigger, but hopefully since we will be delivering early, this won't be the case. Every time I want that chocolate cake, milkshake, or ice cream, I just think how it is in Ava's best interest for me to abstain. I kind of stinks, because there are so many restrictions on pregnant women as it is, our only true source of enjoyment is food, but this sacrifice will all be worth it! I can do it for another 8-10 weeks.

I got my new computer, but wait until I tell you about the fiasco we went through the first week I owned it. I was about ready to throw it out the window! I am sooooo happy to finally have it, because I  can edit and process pictures SOOOOOO much faster. This is going to come in handy since I will have 4 shoots in the next week. I have two newborn shoots tomorrow, and a pre-deployment shoot next week and a family shoot also next week. Guess what the best part is? I am getting paid finally for my work!! I will post the link to the pics once I post them next week.

I will do a pregnancy survey update with a belly shot at 27 weeks, because Foster and I are about to head out the door.

Free At Last!! And A BIG Step!

My cardiac monitor has officially come off!! I am soooo happy!!!

At first it was a pain in the butt. I had to make sure to wear the right outfits that would accommodate the small box that was recording my heart. When sleeping, I can't tell you how many times I would rip the pads off my chest while I rolled over and forgot to take the monitor with me.

However, after a couple weeks, it became second nature. I would walk into a store and the clerk's eyes would get really wide, "What is wrong?!?!" he/she would ask. It would take me a second to realize they were referring to the pads and wires coming off of my chest. I had become completely accustom to toting the monitor around with me, that I had forgotten how strange it looked to other people.

Along with that, Foster and I took a HUGE step. We started getting ready for our little girl. Baby steps, since we are only 23 weeks on Thursday. We bought a electric swing that has been suggested by MANY moms. We were given a battery operated swing by a friend for Rosie, and we plan on keeping that one upstairs, but I was told by many moms to invest in an electric swing, or else we will go through TONS of batteries in short amounts of time. We went out garage sale shopping on Saturday, and decided to stop by Once Upon A Child and see if they had an electric swing for sale. Sure enough, they had one, and on faith and a prayer, we bought it.

Foster also must have read my mind. As I was working on some photo editing yesterday (Check out my photography facebook page if you want to see my most recent photo shoots....including an AMAZING maternity shoot...all I will say is Waterfalls!!!) Foster started preparing the baby's room. I have let it collect dust, and we had a few unfinished projects from when we lost Rosalynn. When we had our new carpet installed, the closet doors would no longer fit, because the carpet was too plush. Foster sawed off an inch off the bottom of them so Ava has closet doors. He also took the excess equipment down to the basement for storage, like the bed rails that go with the crib to turn it into a toddler and full size bed. I think he knows I have been procrastinating, for obvious reasons, so is helping me take the steps to get ready for this little girl. It is scary. It brings back old memories of doing all that work and then not getting to bring home my baby girl. All I can do is continue to pray that this turns out differently.

When the nursery is completely finished, I will post pictures. We are keeping it the same as we had it with Rosie, neutral (remember, we didn't know the sex), but adding just a few pink things in the room too...just to make it a LITTLE girlie.

I hope everyone's weekend was a great one!

21 Weeks 4 Days

Size of baby: According to baby center, Ava should be between 12-16 oz. Considering she was over 10 oz over 2 weeks ago, i have a feeling she is probably weighing over 1lb already.

Maternity clothes: I have a few maxi dresses that are not technically maternity, but everything else is!

Sleep: Unfortunately, this past week was a hard one on me. I will wake up at 3am and not be able to fall back asleep. Then, the next night I will sleep like 13 hours!!! I am having issues regulating my sleep.

Best moment of the week: We had a great appointment this week with Dr. C. And Foster felt her move for the first time this week!!! She was being soooo active and he felt her!

Movement: She is a little monkey! Moving all around. The one part i HATE is that there is no set pattern yet. She was VERY quiet yesterday, and thank GOD for my doppler, because I was able to tell she was ok. Some days she won't stop moving , and others it seems she sleeps all day! I can't wait or the sleep/wake pattern, because then i won't worry so much.

Symptoms: Started having Braxton Hicks contractions since last survey. Also, that nasty sciatic nerve pain has started in my right butt cheek! So now i have two pains in my butt....Foster and now this! hahaha.

Food cravings/aversions: PBand J sandwiches and milk have been my morning breakfast routine! I have been eating them like they are going out of style. For some reason I was eating mushrooms the other day, and almost gagged...and I LOVE mushrooms....guess Avaleen doesn't.

Gender: Beautiful HEALTHY baby GIRL!!!! Miss Avaleen Rose (Ava)

Belly button in or out: Still in

Stretch marks: TONS of old ones from Rosalynn, and a few new ones popping up on my boobs and hips and on the top side of my belly button!!! BOO!

What I miss: Rosalynn...We had a family picnic for my Guard unit, and the baby girl that was born 3 weeks after Rosie was toddling around. That made me miss her sooooooo much! Foster and I went out to the cemetery and visited Rosie on Sunday. We brought her some flowers because we had a permanent ceramic vase installed near her headstone. It is pink and sparkly!! SOOOOO girlie! I am so happy that there are still little things like this I can do for her!

What I am looking forward to: 24 weeks! I will be in the "viability" time frame, and we are doing the glucose testing and my first of many growth scans!

Weekly wisdom: This weekly wisdom is more for my doctor. NEVER assume that because everything looks "great" at 21 weeks that the baby will make it here alive. He said, "She is looking perfect and I am very happy with how this pregnancy is going! I have no reason to think that this pregnancy will end early like the last one did." Really?!?!?! Rosie looked great and things were going great from week 23-34.5! Then BAM! Just keep a close eye on me, and lets make SURE this baby makes it here!

Dream of the week: Sorry to those who like to hear about my dreams, but I didn't have any that stick out in my head this past 2 weeks.

Overwhelmed!

I had a slight breakdown this past Friday. It was bound to happen. It was partially my fault.

I returned home from my cardiologist appointment. My blood pressure was elevated for me (139/89 when it usually runs no higher than 110/69) and my ankles were a bit swollen. I chalk it up to slight dehydration, because when I peed in the morning, it was pretty dark. However, it was a little disconcerting, because I had woken up with a headache and my head was continuing to pound. My doctor decided that whatever they found on the 24 hour heart monitor, was worth continuing to monitor for another 30 days! Yes, 30 days! She also set me up for an echo cardiogram (ultrasound) of my heart this Thursday.

When I got home, I was sitting at the desk looking at u/s pictures of Pumpkin and saying prayers to myself that he/she makes it safe and sound, unlike Rosalynn. Then I made the mistake of pulling out Rosie's u/s pictures to compare their features at 13 weeks. BAD idea! The tears started pouring. I was feeling so overwhelmed, which I am sure was not good for my blood pressure either! They look so similar at 13 weeks. they both have big foreheads with the same nose. Rosie had a bigger belly than Pumpkin has, but I am sure that will change the bigger Pumpkin gets. I started sobbing out of fear. Thursday was the first time I truly started feeling fear for this little one. I want this baby to make it more than anything, and I don't care what I have to do to make Pumpkin make it here safely. I am TRYING to keep my anxiety levels down, but all of these palpitations are not helping anything.

It is like an awful cyclical pattern. My palpitations start....leading to me getting nervous....probably being the cause of my BP going up...being bad for both baby and me. Now, before telling me to "relax", I am trying. I truly have been really good up until this past Friday. I think under the circumstances, I have been pretty carefree in this pregnancy. However, there will always be a slight bit or worry and anxiety with a pregnancy after stillbirth. Telling a baby loss mom to relax in a subsequent pregnancy is like telling someone who is drowning to just breathe. They may try, and depending on how strong they are, they may actually succeed from time to time but will never be completely successful.

This Thursday I have my echo @ 1145 and then my anatomy scan @ 1445 (2:45pm). Please. please, please, the prayers have been so helpful up until this point. Please pray a little harder on Thursday that everything turns out fine at both appointments, I will update you all on the Echo as soon as I can, but sorry, I won't be revealing the sex until after Saturday when we announce it to the family!

Week 16

Wow! time seems to be going pretty fast. Maybe it is because I have been so busy! This time in the pregnancy with Rosalynn, I was getting married. I guess looking back, that pregnancy went pretty fast up until this point also. I  just hope it continues. Because if we stick to the plan, Pumpkin should be her in 18.5 weeks! Crazy huh?


Size of baby: Right now, about the size of an avocado: 4 1/2 inches long (head to rump) and 3 1/2 ounces.


Maternity clothes: I am wearing all maternity bottoms, but I am still wearing some shirts that are flowy, non-maternity
Sleep: doing better. I have been slowly getting more energy, but still like my cat naps from time to time
Best moment of the week: Seeing Pumpkin on u/s again. The girls and I tried to figure out the sex last night when we got a little slow @ work. It was a lot of fun! But Pumpkin is definitely her mother's child! She/he was ornery, and had his/her legs completely crossed indian style. Then he/she must have gotten irritated with us poking around, because she/he flipped her/his back completely towards us and would not flip back. It was still amazing watching Pumpkin moving all around.

Also, I had a prenatal massage, which I will talk about more in my vacation blog, but it was AMAZING!!!
Movement: Still having gassy flutters! But I can feel real movement when I put the doppler wand on my belly. I can feel the baby moving!
Symptoms: Heart palpitations, still some nausea and the occasional vomiting with strong odors, primarily Foster's bodily function smells!! Yes, he has made me vomit!!
Food cravings/aversions: fruit, fruit smoothies, and McDonald's Chicken Nuggets. No real aversions, just things that don't sound appetizing at the time.

Gender: The u/s tech said that if she had to guess when I was 13 weeks, she would say Girl, but not to paint the nursery yet....I hope she is right! Tried to verify last night and had a stubborn one on our hands!

Belly button in or out: Still in

Stretch marks: TONS of old ones from Rosalynn, and a few new ones popping up on my boobs and hips.

What I miss: I wanted raw oysters really bad this week! But I would give up anything for 10 months as long as this little one is healthy.
What I am looking forward to: Finding out the sex for sure and feeling the baby move more prominently.

Weekly wisdom: Heart Palpitations are normal, but only to a certain extent.
Dream of the week: Another amazing dream about this little one. Again, it was a girl. This time I was in the OR getting my c-section. They checked the baby out and everything was fine, even @ 34w4d. Next thing I knew, I was standing beside the bassinet. I don't know how my guts were not hanging down to the floor, because the doctors had not even sewn me up yet. My whole family was there and we were all crying at how amazing it was. I hope upon hope these dreams come true. I still don't want to get too excited, because it makes me nervous every time I start thinking that this might be my "take home baby".

Belly Pic: Holy Moly my belly looks bigger than I feel right now! No more looking fat, I actually LOOK pregnant now! please don't mind the lack of makeup, I had no time to do it after I got done with an INTERESTING, STRESSFUL phone call this afternoon (but that is for another time).

Time is Getting Away From Me!!! Pumpkin Update

I PROMISE, I AM going to write about Rosie's b-day, the Women of Faith Conference, and my kitchen. However, all of these posts require me to download, condense and upload pictures, and I have been SOOOOO bad about doing this lately; and I DON"T want to post about these events without the pictures, b/c they are great!! So please hang in there with me:-)

As most of you know, Sunday was Mother's Day. What some of you weren't aware of, the 1st was Babyloss Mother's day, and Friday the 6th was Military Spouse appreciation day. Although I was unaware until the day of these events, my husband was prepared and knew about ALL of them! He never ceases to amaze me! With Rosalynn, I had so much swelling, that by the 24th week, I had to take my wedding band and engagement ring off and wear them on a chain around my neck. Although it didn't really bother me, because I was sure people weren't judging; Foster was worried that it looked like I was pregnant and not married. He didn't like this idea. We joked that if we got pregnant again, we would buy a cheap CZ from Wal-Mart in a bigger size so that I could wear it while pregnant again. I guess he never forgot this conversation.

Foster came home on Thursday and matter-of-factly stated, "I am taking you out on a date tomorrow night."
I was thrilled, because it had been so long since we had gotten a chance to go somewhere nice and enjoy a good meal together.

When I woke up on Friday morning, there was a pretty gold wrapped box from Kay's sitting on our entry ledge, "What is that for?" I asked.

"You can open it tonight at dinner. It is a combo gift for Baby-loss mom's day, Military  Spouse Appreciation Day, and Mother's Day. Of course dinner is also for Mother's Day. Right now it is just there to tease you!"

I fall in love with this man over and over and over again. He took me to this AMAZING, upscale restaurant called Martini's. I would rather have gone to this place while I wasn't pregnant, b/c their menu of martinis was overwhelming, and anyone who knows me in real life KNOW how much I love my martinis, but I was just glad to be spending some quality time with Foster. Before dinner was served he told me to open my present. When I did, it was a simple, but beautiful white gold wedding band. It is the same band he has, but still shiny, his was brushed, "I figure you could wear it when your hands swell up again. Also, we can get it engraved with all of our children's names in it." (Sorry in advance for all of these photos, they are from my camera phone!)

He is incredibly thoughtful. I LOVE the idea of having our children's names engraved! Right now, it is too big for my finger, but I have it on my right hand ring finger and it is being held in place by a ring my sister gave me that her, JJ and I all have matching.

Saturday we headed up to Foster's sister's house and had a cook out with his side of the family. I felt so bad, because right after dinner, I passe out on the couch! I felt like such a bum, but I was soooooooo tired, and they all seemed to understand. One of his sisters offered to let me sleep upstairs, away from all the noise, but I was fine on the couch, and slept through EVERYTHING, including Foster wrestling with the kids. I guess Basic Training taught me to sleep anywhere, anytime and add pregnancy exhaustion, and it is a dangerous combination.

Sunday was spent with my side of the family. We went to Sunday Mass with my mom, dad, Bug and Ky and then headed to a Chinese Buffet. My dad was RAVING about this buffet for days, so we decided to try it. It was okay, but I kind of felt like we could have taken mom somewhere nicer, but it was all about us spending time together, and we all had a blast.

Monday was my Nuchal Translucency scan. For those of you who are unfamiliar with that, it is the test that checks for the likelihood of Trisomy 13,18, and 21. They took my blood at my last appointment, and then performed the U/S on Monday. I am not one to trust statistics, due to my loss, but I took this as an opportunity to see Pumpkin again.

Of course I got nervous the night before, so I checked for Pumpkin's HB with my doppler. My AMAZING friend, Mrs. Prince, is letting me borrow hers through this pregnancy. This put my mind at ease in order to sleep. Foster was able to go to this appointment with me. We headed out in the morning, and i started saying my prayers that all would go well. As if cued to put my mind at ease, I got really nauseated.

The nurse took me in for my weight and BP. BP is running 110/64, and I am still down 1 lb since the first appointment. This is definitely how I wanted this pregnancy to go! By 13 weeks with Rosalynn, I had gained 13 pounds! My goal is to still not gain any weight, and if I do, keep it around 10 lbs this entire pregnancy!

As soon as the tech placed the wand on my stomach, she exclaimed, "Look at that baby moving all around!" Foster and I sat in awe, watching Pumpkin as the tech took all the measurements. She said that the neck measurements were looking GREAT, that they like it ti be under3, and ours was measuring 1.7. i don't know if that is mm or what, but sounded good to me. She then tried to get the bridge of the nose measurements, but Pumpkin would NOT move his/her hand away from their face. So we got a lot of screen time watching the tech trying to move the hand. I was okay with that. The HB was 163, and we were measuring 12w5d, 1d ahead of schedule. She printed off tons of pictures for us, and even said, "If I had to guess the sex right now, I would say it is a girl."

She warned us not to paint the nursery, but that was what she could tell at this time!! Another GIRL!! I would be soooooo thrilled if she is right with her guess. I am not going to get too excited till the 18 week U/S, but I will continue to hope this is true. Don't get me wrong, I would be happy as long as the baby was healthy, girl OR boy, but deep down I was secretly hoping for another girl. Foster's face lit up too. As much as he talks about wanting a boy, I think deep down he would be happy with another girl too.

The tech also informed me that the baby was settled into the left horn of my heart-shaped uterus. This is the same side Rosie settled into. I don't know how I feel about this, because OBVIOUSLY, this side didn't do much good for Rosalynn. All we can keep doing is praying.

The doctor came back to tell us the results, and we were thrilled to find out our child is already an overachiever. The best odds is <1 in 10,0000, and he/SHE made those numbers across the board.

On Thursday I am officially out of the 1st trimester. to most mom's they would be sighing a breath of relief. For me, on the other hand, I am hoping this means God will answer my prayers. I asked that IF this baby would be taken from me too, that He would be merciful enough to take it in the first trimester, before I feel him/HER move, before I see my belly growing, etc. I just pray that this is a good sign, however, we still have 21.5 weeks to go!!

Quick survey;

Weight: -1 lb from pre-pregnancy
HB: 163
Maternity clothes? Yes...i know, I know, it is soooo early, but I popped QUICK!! So my theory is I am losing weight from my butt or something, cause by belly is getting HUGE!



Yes, I am only 12w5d...luckily i didnt try and keep this one a secret! lol!


Craving: Fruits, fruit juices, chocolate oreos with milk, and McDonald's Chicken nuggets. Now, OBVIOUSLY, since I am losing weight, I am not caving to every craving all the time, but I indulge from time to time.
Best moment: Seeing Pumpkin dancing all around on the U/S screen. SHE/he is looks like a little human now instead of a glow worm!!
Random/Strangeness: Foster is getting sympathy pains! He has been waking up with nausea, had a Headache when I woke up with one, and has lost a few pounds too. Oh, and he eats my Oreos!

U/S pics:



Sorry about the glare...phone camera




hand up by face! Such a cute little face!!!




See the little legs sticking up? and the tiny little butt!! Def does not take after me and her dad!! lol



I'm Here and Doing Well

Thank you all for the concern and personal messages of why I have been MIA. I promise all is well! I was sick for almost a week, and I am sure you can all understand that when you are sick, you don't feel like doing much of anything, including blog. THEN, the more things started to build up, the more overwhelmed I started to feel when I thought of all I had to update you on and write about. Here is a list of the topics I have to write about:
1. My finished kitchen
2. Rosalynn's Birthday and Easter Celebration
3. My 11 week check up with Pumpkin
4. The results of the 3rd Old Wives tales, new plan for sex/name reveal, and baby names
5. The passing and funeral of Father Thomas (my priest of 15 years and who married Foster and me)
6. The Women of Faith Conference and meeting Angie Smith! (Probably going to be 2 posts so it is not so long!!)

Yeah, so as you can see, it is quite an overwhelming list, and you can see why I have been at a loss for words. I made this list here in order to let you see what you get to look forward to, and also so I can remember everything!! I am going o post in no particular order, so today I m going to post about my 11 week check-up, because I am sure you are all wondering how Pumpkin is doing.

On the 28th I had an appointment. I figured I would use this opportunity to talk to Dr. C about the awful flu/cold I had been suffering through for a week. I went into the office, and Foster took the day off. Originally, he wasn't going to go, but we had a funeral to attend that afternoon, so he took the whole day off and accompanied me. I have had pretty low stress so far, however, every night before an appointment I start to get nervous. I was sooooo nervous about whether he would be able to hear the heartbeat on the doppler. I figured he would try to locate it since I didn't have an u/s scheduled for that day and I was terrified that it would take forever to find the heartbeat, which would in turn cause me to get really nervous/upset.

Turns out, I had nothing to worry about. As soon as I laid down on the exam table, Dr. C asked how I was doing, "Nervous," I responded. He got up, walked over, and grabbed the u/s wand.

"Let's just put your mind at ease," he placed it on my stomach, and right away we saw Pumpkin and his/her little heartbeat right away. Have I told you how much I LOVE this man? Well, at least until he started talking after my physical exam. I was asking him for an excuse from weapons qualification. IWQ (Individual Weapons Qualification) happens once a year. Last time, I spent over 3 hours on my stomach shooting my M-16, and the next day, I started bleeding from a SCH (subchorionic hemorrhage). Needless to say, I am nervous about doing it again, and this time I will be further along. With Rosalynn, I was 11 weeks. With Pumpkin, I will be about 17 weeks. According to the Army, you can do IWQ till 20 weeks. Honestly, I can't even lay on my stomach in bed anymore, what makes them think I can lay on the dirt ground? I think they should allow the mother to determine if she is able to lay on her stomach for 3 hours. Every woman and every pregnancy is different, so to make such a generalization of 20 weeks is unacceptable in my eyes.

Dr. C agreed to write me an excuse, and he said he would help me with anything I wanted, BUT he said that there is no way of knowing if IWQ was to blame, "Unfortunately, we will never know what truly caused all the problems. As doctors, we have to be careful at speculating. I could ask 'did you do a lot of grocery shopping and pushing carts in your last pregnancy?' and  because I asked, women will think 'Oh No! that is it! That is what caused the problems!' when in fact there is no real way of us knowing. There are so many women who do EVERYTHING wrong, smoke, drink, drugs, and go on to have healthy, living babies. Then there are the women like you who did everything right, and still lose their baby. It isn't fair, I know, but I see it happen all the time."

"But I should still stay away from things like painting and hair dye and stuff until the 2nd trimester right?"

"Not necessarily. There is no real research that says these things are harmful, just ventilate well."

"DOCTOR!!! Don't give Foster any ideas!!!" I exclaimed as I saw the light go off in Foster's head! He went from being my favorite doctor, to being on my hit list!  I have been telling Foster I couldn't help with the floors and the painting because of all the fumes, Dr. C was blowing my cover.

I know he meant well, and wanted to stifle some of my fears and I trust him, but I will still be cautious, it makes me feel better, that I am doing everything I can to bring Pumpkin home safely.

He continued on with my physical exam, and took the blood for the trisomy disorders, and then made my next appointment for my NT scan for May 9th. Unfortunately we didn't get any pictures this time, but I guarantee there will be tons from the NT scan! Can't wait!

Welcome...and Sad to See You Go

So I noticed I have picked up a few more followers, and also that I have lost some people. It is sad to see people drop from my friend list, but I understand that some people have to move on.  I lost a few after my last post about drill weeknds, and I hope I didn't offend anyone, especially my military spouses and members out there. I want to clarify something, I love my country and I love the Army. The problems I have are not with either one of these. Prior to losing Rosalynn I thought I was invincible. Nothing could hurt me, and I was willing to callenge life. My priorities were completely different. Since April, my life was turned upside down, and everything has changed. The other night when I was writing that post, I was crying as I told David how upset and angry I was how things have turned out. Not just with losing my child, but with how let down I have been by my unit. I feel like that kid who has been completely let down by their parents. Before I joined, and when I was in training, my perception of the military was they would protect their own. I was convinced that if I was ever in trouble, they would be like family.

I cried because I had felt abandoned by the family I thought I could rely on. This is enough to make anyone feel angry and bitter. Foster and I have mulled over different plans of action; discharge for depression, asking to be transfered to a different unit, etc., but I am going to stick it out. I am not a quitter. I mentioned we have a new First Sergeant and a new Comander. Although I have not yet talked one on one with the new commander, I have talked to the 1SG and I hope he is passing on information to my CO. From the looks of it, this new leadership seems to be more in tuned with my ideals of what the military should be, my second family. I feel like I have renewed hope. I am praying that this is not like the abandoned child who gets their hopes up when their deadbeat father comes back for a week or two, promises to stick around, buys the child gifts, and then ends up leaving again. I am optimistic that this is a situation where a new leadership means new priorities. So far it seems good, but I am not going to get my expectations up too high.

For those of you who just joined me, I promise I do not complain and whine in every post. I am actually a pretty upbeat person for everything life has thrown at me this past year. I have been married to the man of my dreams, my prince charming, for a little over a year now. We are a dual military status couple. He is active duty in the National Guard, and I am a traditional guardsman. I am a full time student 5 weeks away from graduating with my bachelors in Psychology, and I work full time in and emergency room, which I absolutely love.....most of the time. On April 20th, 2010 Foster and I lost our first and only child, Rosalynn @ 34weeks5days gestation, a mear 3 weeks from our scheduled c-section, to stillbirth. Three weeks after that, Mama Red, Foster's best friend's mom passed away the night before Mother's Day. She was like a second mother to him. Three weeks after that, MY best friend's mom passed away from pancreatic cancer. She was a light in my life for the past 29 years. She was one of the most selfless, caring, Christian women I have ever known, and when in six weeks three very important people in my life passed, I was rocked to the core. I have been tested in so many ways. My faith, my marriage, and my sanity have all been tested these past 10 months, and I feel like I have come out stronger. My marriage has flourished and somehow become stronger that thitanium, the devil has not won in his pursuit of tearing me away from God, and my sanity....well, the jury is still out on this:-)

I thank you for joining my journey as I find ways of coping with my grief through writing, photography and my new non-profit project "Roses from Rosalynn with Project Sweet Peas". I have met so many amazing people through this blog who have enriched my life more than I could ever have imagined. Please do not be a stranger. I love comments and try to respond to any of you who take the time to write me (as long as you have the setting that allows me to reply by email to your comment on.)

I Heard a Heartbeat

In my ovaries! I know what you thought when you read that heading....sorry if I disappointed anyone:-)

Today I was violated in the Ultrasound room. My OBGYN wanted to make sure that everything looked normal since Foster and I have been trying to make baby #2 with no success. From what she said, everything looks good with my ovaries, so that is a relief. I think that my biggest fear since losing Rosie is that I will never conceive another child. That for some reason my daughter was ripped away from me because I'm not meant to have children.. Well, so far, other than the little septum in my uterus, and my hypothyroidism which is being treated for the first time, all looks well.

Foster and I talked last night, and he said that he would feel more comfortable if we waited until after I graduated to start Clomid. Not that we would be very far along in a pregnancy, but because he doesn't want me to have to stress over something like trying to conceive or protecting a baby while I am finishing school. I love how considerate my husband can be! We figure, if it happens naturally between now and then, great! However, we won't pursue any fertility meds until after March.

Another full month has gone by with out my sweet girl. 9 months! Wow.....it seems like just yesterday. Time truly does fly by! We miss her evry day, and hope that one day God decided to bless us with another child.

That is just about all I have to update about now. I have been swamped with homework, and have 3 tests and a paper due next week...wish me luck!

When I Grow Up! Kitchens, Graduating, and Much More!

First I want to say thanks for all of my stalkers who commented and let their presence known on my delurking post! It was great to meet all of you!!

This has probably been the longest I have gone without posting a blog. I am so sorry to those of you who check on a daily basis:-) I guess it is because I have been so busy with things, that I barely have enough time to breath, much less sit down and write. I figured, since I noticed I have gotten a few new followers, that I would take this entry as an opportunity to fill them in on me and my life, along with giving all of you a quick update on the going ons in my household.

First, an introduction. thank you if you are a new follower. I originally started this blog as a way of relieving some of my grief after the loss of my precious daughter Rosalynn. She was a beautiful 5lb 12oz baby girl who grew angel wings on April 20th 2010. We were 34weeks4days into our pregnancy when we were told her heart had stopped. Foster, my dear husband, and I have been going through this awful journey with the help and support of my loving friends and family. I cannot express to you how much this little online space has helped me. The outpouring of support and understanding from friends and strangers alike has been so healing. I have come across some of the strongest women I have ever met through my support group and this blog. Women who are going through similar journeys as I am.

I have also been inspired to make a few changes in the world because of my daughter. I am an Emergency Room Tech, a student, and a Medic in The National Guard. I am currently waiting for the stillbirth leave policy to be changed this July through my work to more reflect that of a maternity leave, and I am also in the process of trying to find the best way of changing the National Guard Policy for stillbirth mothers. I have gotten involved with a non-profit group called "Back In His Arms Again" which assists stillbirth parents with the care of their angel baby and the funeral arrangements, also assisting in the costs that go with it.

My biggest accomplishment thus far, is the start of my own little project, in accordance with the non-profit group "Project Sweet Peas". I am the local project leader here in Ohio, and it is entitled "Roses from Rosalynn". PSP and RFR are dedicated to bringing comfort and memories to parents who have children in the NICU and who have suffered a stillbirth. I am currently focusing my attention on the stillbirth parents. I have bags that will be filled with helpful items that will assist these parents in creating as many memories as possible of their little angel. these bags will have molds for hand and foot impressions, journals for writing thoughts and memories in, disposable cameras, an outfit fit for a burial, blanket, footies, hats, a small bear for baby and a big bear for mom to ease that "empty arm syndrome", and a book "Mommy Please Don't Cry, There are No Tears in Heaven." I am waiting for my big bears and a few more of the books, and I will be making my first 10bag donation very soon. I have friends who have extended their services for blanket making and others who have offered to get donations. I am thrilled at the outpouring of generosity so many have shown. I have added donation buttons to all of my pages that goes directly into a pay-pal account and aids in the expenses of these bags.

Now for an update!

I am getting closer and closer to graduation! I am thrilled! Foster and I have talked about what I should do after March. I still am not sure what I want to do when I grow up. I want to go back to nursing school EVENTUALLY. However, I am burnt out from school. I am soooooo needing a break from this hectic life of school, work, studying, school, work, studying. I feel like it hinders my abilities to pursue that things I love, primarily writing and photography. I have recently taken up photography and am LOVING it, and I have not had the slightest chance to get any further in ANY of my books for the past 6 months because I have been so busy. So, I am giving myself 18 months. 18 months after I graduate to continue working my job and purse my passions. I am going to focus on getting at least one of my books completely written, or at least 80% before trying to get a publisher. I am also going to see how far I can take this photography business. I have an eye, I know that much, but I want to perfect my photo shopping skills, and learn the tricks to making that PERFECT picture! I have tons of friends who have been generous in their time, allowing me to use them as my test subjects on different equipment I have been obtaining, filters, new settings, and new ideas. I LOVE them all for it, and in exchange, they get a free disk with their photos on them.

Foster is incredibly supportive, and thinks that I can achieve my dreams! Have I told you lately how much I love this man? He just wants me to be happy in what I do for the rest of my life, and although nursing would secure an income, I am not so sure how happy it would make me.

Last but not least (sorry for the long post, and thanks to those of you who are still reading!) we have a HUGE project starting in March. Last year, before finding out we were pregnant, Foster and I were getting quotes on remodeling our kitchen. We were going to gut it, however, the news that we were expecting changed those plans. Instead of dropping $15-20,000 on a new kitchen, we needed to put our money towards a wedding that was bumped up 9 months, new carpet and windows in the house since the baby's room needed them BAD, and the expenses of baby furniture and items. Well, now we are going back to the kitchen! We started looking around at ideas, and we will have a couple contractors coming out shortly to show us designs and prices. We figured that if we do get pregnant again (Sorry for those of you who are following my cycles, this month is a bust!) there will be no need to worry about the expenses since we have everything we need for a baby. So, let "Operation Gut Kitchen" commence! We are putting in new floors, new lighting, cabinets, counters, buying new appliances, everything. We are installing hardwood floors through the entry, kitchen, and family room, and even finishing the carpeting upstairs while we are at it. Why not? We are already going to be shelling out a butload of money, what is another $1-2,000 for carpeting right? I can't wait! This will all start in March after I graduate, because Foster does not trust starngers in our home while we are both gone. I will keep you all updated, and I have a feeling it will cause a little strain between Foster and I, because he gets REALLY moody when he spends a lot of money, and there are always hidden costs that pop up with a remodle, like the fact that we will probably have to eat out for a couple of weeks because we will have no kitchen! But I will try my best to keep him relaxed.

Whew! That was alot! Thanks if you held out to the end!

Welcome, and Enjoy

So I noticed I have quite a few new followers. In an attempt to make it easy on all of you, I will not make you go back and read 5 months worth of posts, and I will recap my life in a few short paragraphs to get you all caught up.

I am a 28, okay, 29 year old in 1 month. I am married to the most amazing man on the planet. He is my best friend, my confidant, and my life preserver when I feel like I am drowning. He is the opposite of me in so many ways, but the same in all that matters. He is an officer in the Army, and loves his country and his job ALMOST as much as he loves me, but not quite. We were married on 12/12/2009. I love the date, because now he has no excuse to forget it. Okay, I am the flighty one, so I guess this will help ME to remember it. Although he has a pretty stoic exterior, he has one of the biggest hearts, and lets me see it every day.

We have been through one year long deployment while we were dating. While he was in the sandbox, I did what every sane Army girlfriend does, I joined. I wear my own combat boots as a medic in the Army National Guard. This does cause for some interesting situations in our household, but I believe that it has helped me better understand Foster.

April 20th 2010 is a pivotal point in my life. It is the reason I started blogging, and is my motivation for what I do day to day. This is the day that we lost our beautiful daughter, Rosalynn. We were 34w4d into our pregnancy and her heart stopped due to a placental infarct (google it if you would like info on it). We were devastated. I was sent home with an empty womb, an empty nursery, and empty arms. She was 5lb 13oz bundle of beauty. She had my hair, her fathers nose and chin, my hands, and my lips. She was perfect, and now she lives with Jesus. I anxiously await the day that I get to meet her for the first time. If you would like to read her whole story, click on the link on the right hand side of my page.

Although my life has been filled with ups and downs, I try to maintain a positive attitude. I am a child of God, and turn to him every day for guidance and strength. I may slip like any other human, but with the assistance of my friends and family, I pick myself up, brush myself off, and persevere.

I try to entertain in my posts, because my life can be VERY exciting. I am a tech in an ER, a student at one of the largest universities in the country, and have the funniest two puppies you will ever meet. My family is boisterous and animated, and my friends are goofy.

I warn you, some of my posts can be dark and sad, because I do have my moments, but I am always honest. I do not hold anything back! Welcome, and I hope you enjoy the ride as we are now trying to conceive our second child, and I start training for an upcoming deployment scheduled for Summer of 2011.

P.S. If you are a follower, and if I am not following your blog, please message me and I will be more than happy to follow you, I love new blog friends!

A Year Flys By and General Update

I apologize if I have not been around as much lately. I am used to posting three to five posts a week, and I have been slacking.

I believe some of it may be due to the fact that my schedule has become so hectic. We had trips and weddings, and now we are leaving for yet another trip. Foster will be going white water rafting with the boys in WV while I head to Chicago for a shopping trip with JJ and Bug.
Also, school started back up today. I am taking 15 credit hours, and have 2 more quarters to graduate! Thank God, I see a light! Foster is working towards his masters, and has been swamped with homework lately.

In other words, life is happening.

Yes, we are still trying to conceive, and as we are fast approaching all of the milestones from Rosie (the day I found out I was pregnant, the day that we told my family, etc) my want to be a parent becomes stronger and stronger. I know this is bad for when you want to conceive. The more you want it, it seems the less it happens. It is always those people on birth control (like myself a year ago) or those couples who have been trying for years and finally just "give up" that find themselves pregnant. I am hoping that school and work will keep me so busy that my mind is distracted from the TTC (trying to conceive) journey.

It is amazing how fast a year passes by. One year ago today I was pregnant but not yet aware of it. It was also a year ago that we found out that Mama JJ had pancreatic cancer. Now both Rosie and Mama JJ are gone, and we are all left picking up the pieces and trying to heal.

Here is hoping that this next year brings good and happy news. That this year is a year of blessings and prosperity for my family. We need a good year.

A quick update, Kam and I are in the process of planning a silent auction to help raise money for Back in His Arms Again. If any of you know anyone who would be willing to donate to the auction, please let me know. When it gets closer and we have more info, I will inform all of you when it is, so you can attend if you want! All of the proceeds will go to the ministry for helping families like Foster and I who have lost a baby and educating the hospital staffs in the area on how to handle the situation with compassion and understanding. Some of the money will go to families, and some of it will go to changing our website and pamphlets to be more ecumenical as opposed to focused on Catholicism.

I finished my first draft of the article that will be posted in the National Guard Magazine. I think I may also submit the article to Military Spouse Magazine also. My friend is in the process of editing my first draft, but personally I think it is an entertaining article.

I have revised and rewritten 4 chapters of my first book, while brainstorming my second. I am looking into publishing companies to send my first manuscript to when it is finished, or at least 80% finished, and I have been given some tips from a fellow Baby Loss Mom whose book will be on shelves by December. Keep your fingers crossed.

I talked to my First Sergeant, my Brigade Commander, and a few others in my chain of command about the regulation change in the National Guard regarding pregnancy. We are all moving forward and I have their support. It is always a plus to have a female Colonel backing you up.

The policy for my work will be under review for next years changes. I missed this years deadline, July, but they are hoping it will go into effect next July. I have written letters to our congressmen an women to back me up, and add support to my case when it goes back up to the board next year. However, I will not be sending it out to the offices until after the elections in November, because I would hate to have to send them all back out again because new members are elected and current members are out.