My Family!!

My Family!!

Tuesday, June 21, 2011

Overwhelmed!

I had a slight breakdown this past Friday. It was bound to happen. It was partially my fault.

I returned home from my cardiologist appointment. My blood pressure was elevated for me (139/89 when it usually runs no higher than 110/69) and my ankles were a bit swollen. I chalk it up to slight dehydration, because when I peed in the morning, it was pretty dark. However, it was a little disconcerting, because I had woken up with a headache and my head was continuing to pound. My doctor decided that whatever they found on the 24 hour heart monitor, was worth continuing to monitor for another 30 days! Yes, 30 days! She also set me up for an echo cardiogram (ultrasound) of my heart this Thursday.

When I got home, I was sitting at the desk looking at u/s pictures of Pumpkin and saying prayers to myself that he/she makes it safe and sound, unlike Rosalynn. Then I made the mistake of pulling out Rosie's u/s pictures to compare their features at 13 weeks. BAD idea! The tears started pouring. I was feeling so overwhelmed, which I am sure was not good for my blood pressure either! They look so similar at 13 weeks. they both have big foreheads with the same nose. Rosie had a bigger belly than Pumpkin has, but I am sure that will change the bigger Pumpkin gets. I started sobbing out of fear. Thursday was the first time I truly started feeling fear for this little one. I want this baby to make it more than anything, and I don't care what I have to do to make Pumpkin make it here safely. I am TRYING to keep my anxiety levels down, but all of these palpitations are not helping anything.

It is like an awful cyclical pattern. My palpitations start....leading to me getting nervous....probably being the cause of my BP going up...being bad for both baby and me. Now, before telling me to "relax", I am trying. I truly have been really good up until this past Friday. I think under the circumstances, I have been pretty carefree in this pregnancy. However, there will always be a slight bit or worry and anxiety with a pregnancy after stillbirth. Telling a baby loss mom to relax in a subsequent pregnancy is like telling someone who is drowning to just breathe. They may try, and depending on how strong they are, they may actually succeed from time to time but will never be completely successful.

This Thursday I have my echo @ 1145 and then my anatomy scan @ 1445 (2:45pm). Please. please, please, the prayers have been so helpful up until this point. Please pray a little harder on Thursday that everything turns out fine at both appointments, I will update you all on the Echo as soon as I can, but sorry, I won't be revealing the sex until after Saturday when we announce it to the family!

7 comments:

~Amy said...

Definitely will keep you in my prayers Thursday. I hope everything shows all is well and the dr is just being extra cautious. I had a midwife who thought they detected a heart murmur with my pg with Analiese and sent me for an echo which turned out fine, but it's definitely scary. *hugs*

SLM said...

Hang in there. It is in God's hands...trust Him!! (This is my mantra) I will pray for you and your little one, if you ever need to talk you know where to find me.

Mattie said...

Praying for you! I know it is hard to "stay calm", but keep praying and leaning on Him. Extra prayers will be said tomorrow!!!

Kelly @ Sufficient Grace Ministries said...

Praying for peace and strength for you, my friend...and praying that all is well for you and baby.

Your words:
"Telling a baby loss mom to relax in a subsequent pregnancy is like telling someone who is drowning to just breathe. They may try, and depending on how strong they are, they may actually succeed from time to time but will never be completely successful."

...ring so true for any mama who has walked there.

Love to you...

Erin said...

I will be praying that both tests go well!

Jelene said...

Aww sweetie, stress is bound to happen. I won't tell you to relax because we both know just how hard that is. One foot in front of the other. One breath at time if that is as far as you can go at moments. I have to tell myself mentally that this is Thomas's pregnancy not Elin's. I try to keep them as separate as I can. Yes worry creeps on me, of course it does, but it has helped me keep from completely freaking out. So in through the nose, out through the mouth, one foot forward then the other. Big ((HUGS)) Mama.

Holly said...

Hoping your appt went well. ♥

 

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