I had a slight breakdown this past Friday. It was bound to happen. It was partially my fault.
I returned home from my cardiologist appointment. My blood pressure was elevated for me (139/89 when it usually runs no higher than 110/69) and my ankles were a bit swollen. I chalk it up to slight dehydration, because when I peed in the morning, it was pretty dark. However, it was a little disconcerting, because I had woken up with a headache and my head was continuing to pound. My doctor decided that whatever they found on the 24 hour heart monitor, was worth continuing to monitor for another 30 days! Yes, 30 days! She also set me up for an echo cardiogram (ultrasound) of my heart this Thursday.
When I got home, I was sitting at the desk looking at u/s pictures of Pumpkin and saying prayers to myself that he/she makes it safe and sound, unlike Rosalynn. Then I made the mistake of pulling out Rosie's u/s pictures to compare their features at 13 weeks. BAD idea! The tears started pouring. I was feeling so overwhelmed, which I am sure was not good for my blood pressure either! They look so similar at 13 weeks. they both have big foreheads with the same nose. Rosie had a bigger belly than Pumpkin has, but I am sure that will change the bigger Pumpkin gets. I started sobbing out of fear. Thursday was the first time I truly started feeling fear for this little one. I want this baby to make it more than anything, and I don't care what I have to do to make Pumpkin make it here safely. I am TRYING to keep my anxiety levels down, but all of these palpitations are not helping anything.
It is like an awful cyclical pattern. My palpitations start....leading to me getting nervous....probably being the cause of my BP going up...being bad for both baby and me. Now, before telling me to "relax", I am trying. I truly have been really good up until this past Friday. I think under the circumstances, I have been pretty carefree in this pregnancy. However, there will always be a slight bit or worry and anxiety with a pregnancy after stillbirth. Telling a baby loss mom to relax in a subsequent pregnancy is like telling someone who is drowning to just breathe. They may try, and depending on how strong they are, they may actually succeed from time to time but will never be completely successful.
This Thursday I have my echo @ 1145 and then my anatomy scan @ 1445 (2:45pm). Please. please, please, the prayers have been so helpful up until this point. Please pray a little harder on Thursday that everything turns out fine at both appointments, I will update you all on the Echo as soon as I can, but sorry, I won't be revealing the sex until after Saturday when we announce it to the family!
Well Here's a Huge Update
2 months ago