Grief...the Complicated Companion

Grief is a complicated companion to live with. Once I think I have is figured all out, once I think I have learned to live with a slightly heavy heart, it bites me in my butt.

This past Friday was the one year angelversary of Mama JJ. For those of you who joined me within the past year, I wrote about her here and here. On the Wednesday prior to her day, I was overwhelmed with emotions. I was driving home from work in the morning, and the song "If heaven wasn't So Far Away" came on the radio. Tears started streaming down my face. Day dreams of visiting Rosalynn and Mama JJ and My Granny started running through my mind.

When I got home, I sat at my desk and the frame that holds a copy of Rosie's U/S picture and two pictures of Foster and I on our wedding day with the saying "All because two people fell in love" across the bottom stared back at me. I started sobbing. Uncontrollable, heaving sobs. This is probably the first time in months that I have cried this hard. I can only really give you one good reason why I was crying so hard, why the pain was so raw for the first time in months........ I miss them. I miss them all!

Obviously I miss my daughter. There still isn't a moment that goes by that I don't think of her. I have been wondering things like if this baby will look anything like his/her sister and have been comparing u/s pictures. I have wondered if Rosie would be as interested in my growing belly as the dogs have been over the past couple weeks. I wonder what kind of big sister she would have been. I feel guilty, like I have been neglecting her here, and she was the reason I started this blog. I know, I did not focus this blog on baby loss because I was hopeful that my life would be filled with rainbows one day, but she is still my first born, and I never want anyone to think I would forget her for one minute.

I miss Mama JJ. I miss her gentle heart and uplifting attitude. It pains me to see the tears and sorrow in both Papa JJ's and JJ's eyes as they talk about her knowing there is NOTHING I can do to take away the pain but all I can do is be there for them.

I miss my Granny. It has been almost 12 years since she passed, but I still miss her a lot. She was the best grandmother a girl could ask for, and both her and Rosie's bodies are resting together as their should play in heaven together. I just know Granny is enjoying every moment with her great granddaughter.

I wanted to show you all what bloomed between Rosie's original due date, May 28th, and Mama JJs angel day, June 3rd. Sorry, these are all from my phone, so the pictures aren't as good as the ones I took with my camera.

 


My climbing roses...getting bigger and bigger each year! It never fails, it bloomed on Rosie's b-day last year too!!

Rosie's rose bush that my in laws gave us on the day of her funeral! It has 7 blooms so far!

Probably my favorite color rose in my garden this year! The picture does it no justice!!

 

Foster had the idea to cut some and bring them to JJ for her mom's day. So I picked one off each bush and mad e a small bouquet. Friday, Mama JJ's angel day, turned out to be a beautiful day. The weather was perfect and JJ, Bug and I started our morning off with a great breakfast followed by a matinee showing of "Bridesmaids". Honestly, if you want to see this movie, wait till it comes out on DVD. It was cute, but I expected a lot better. We passed the time int he afternoon by shopping at Mama JJs favorite stores, drinking Godiva chocolate milshakes, and enjoying lunch on the patio of a Frenchh style bistro.

Every special occasion we buy a Pandora bead. For Rosie's one year angelversary we bought the "Angel of Hope bead", now all of us (mom, me, Bug, my aunt, and JJ) have that bead.

We were having a little harder time picking out a bead to represent Mama JJ. JJ asked the sales girl if they had any new beads. They pulled out this feather bead. Instantly we knew it fit Mama JJ. Feathers always remind me of her free spirit. JJ always pictures her mom flying free as a bird, and they even released some of her ashes off the wings of a newly released bald eagle that had been nursed back to health by the "Save the Eagle Foundation". The feather was PERFECT!

We then met up with the rest of the gang; Papa JJ, my mom and dad, Foster, and Ky for dinner at Mama JJ's favorite restaurant Olive Garden. It was really nice, and followed by ice cream. I refrained since I had indulged in the decadent Godiva milkshake earlier in the day, but I can't say I didn't sample a taste of my mom and dad's.

There were no special ceremonies or balloon release like we did for Rosie (and yes, I am VERY aware I haven't posted about it yet, and I will as soon as I motivate myself to transfer my pictures off the memory card...it is the one downside to having a 16GB card, I never clear it!) for there is no grave site to visit her, but the day was filled with Mama JJ nonetheless. I felt her all day. It was a beautiful day of remembrance.

I know as I walk through life with grief as a constant companion, I will have more bad days, and as I watch Pumpkin grow, I will constantly wonder how Rosie would be to her little brother/sister. However, I know that my little girl, Mama JJ and Granny will be watching over all of us until the day that we join them in heaven.