Pomp and Circumstance....

Well, maybe not exactly. I am one online final short of FINALLY finishing my bachelors. For those of you who know me in real life, you know this has been a LOOOONNNNNGGGGG time coming. For those of you who don't know me, it has been about 11 years. Sure life has thrown my obstacles; money problems, military training, and the loss of a child, just to name a few. However, I have driven on and I am done in 24 hours. A lot of people would have thrown their arms in the air and given up. Some people would have lasted six or seven years before calling it quits. Not me! I refused to give up. I have been bound and determined to finish my education.

In true Erin style, I procrastinated and did not get my walking papers turned in on time. Actually, I was about a week and a half late. What does this mean? Well, I will get a diploma, but if I want to walk for graduation, I have to wait till June. At first I wasn't going to worry about it. I was going to happily accept my diploma and go about my life. The more I thought about it though, the more I decided that I WANT to walk. I have fought too hard and too long to idly sit by and not properly celebrate. Also, after finding out that Foster and I are expecting again, I want to make as many memories as possible with this child regardless of how much time I have with him/her. Rosie got to do soooooo much, remember this post? I know it is negative to think this way, but please don;t judge me, it is normal for a Baby Loss Mom to feel this way; I want this baby to experience a lot as well, in the event something happens. So, pumpkin seed and I will be walking in Ohio State University's famous horseshoe in June!!

Now, if you think for one moment I am done with school, think again. I have been a career student and my life would not be the same without classes. So, I have already signed up for my very first formal photography class. It also helps that my work pays for classes, so there are minimum expenses for me to continue learning. I have learned so much from my mentor and from the books I have read, however, you can never know too much about an interest. The way I have been taught so far is more of the "here is HOW you do it", and not necessarily the WHY. I figured a formal class will tell me the intricate details of shutter speed, apertures, and lighting. I will come out that much more knowledgeable and earn the respect of my clients and fellow photographers. Then one day I MAY be able to consider myself a professional.  I have the eye, now it is time to build on the knowledge. I guess it is safe to say that my education isn't over until the fat lady sings (hopefully whoever sings the national anthem at graduation isn't fat, b/c i am not sure I am ready to stop:-)

Honored Beyond Words

Thank you all so much for all of your prayers for my family and I while we mourn my AMAZING grandfather. The comments and love has meant so much to me, and I am blessed to have so many people, both in real life and online, in my life.

I am excited to announce that the article featuring me in Military Spouse Magazine will be in their APRIL addition! I have been receiving emails from the journalist for the past few weeks, and clarifying things for the final article. I am THRILLED that it will be in April. What a wonderful way to honor Rosalynn in the month of her 1 year birthday! I will be sure to post a link to the article (if it is posted online) or scan a copy of the article on here for you all to see in April.

Also, I have been asked by a fellow blogger to help in a little endeavor of hers. you see, she left this past weekend for Basic Combat Training. She is heading to Fort Jackson, where I went. She wanted me to assist in posting on her blog while she is gone. Her goal is to send letters to Jessica from the Misadventures of an Army Wife to post, and has asked me to expand on her experience and compare the differences between 2 years ago and now. I am so excited about this! I kept a journal while I was in BCT, and this will be a great online journal for Abbey to look back on years from now, and I am honored to help her. Make sure to check out her blog Trading Diamonds for Dog Tags and help encourage her in her journey. You may learn a little more about the Army, learn the "lingo" with all the acronyms, and maybe even hear a story of two you never knew about me:-)

Once again, I do apologize to all of my friends and loyal followers. I am sure you understand that my life has been a little hectic lately. I will be heading up this weekend to spend time with my family for my grandpa's funeral so I may be MIA for a bit. Plus, I have a TON of school work to finish.  I CANNOT WAIT until March when I graduate and life gets a little simpler! Speaking of graduation, I should probably get back to studying, so I don't fail my two midterms tomorrow!

When I Grow Up! Kitchens, Graduating, and Much More!

First I want to say thanks for all of my stalkers who commented and let their presence known on my delurking post! It was great to meet all of you!!

This has probably been the longest I have gone without posting a blog. I am so sorry to those of you who check on a daily basis:-) I guess it is because I have been so busy with things, that I barely have enough time to breath, much less sit down and write. I figured, since I noticed I have gotten a few new followers, that I would take this entry as an opportunity to fill them in on me and my life, along with giving all of you a quick update on the going ons in my household.

First, an introduction. thank you if you are a new follower. I originally started this blog as a way of relieving some of my grief after the loss of my precious daughter Rosalynn. She was a beautiful 5lb 12oz baby girl who grew angel wings on April 20th 2010. We were 34weeks4days into our pregnancy when we were told her heart had stopped. Foster, my dear husband, and I have been going through this awful journey with the help and support of my loving friends and family. I cannot express to you how much this little online space has helped me. The outpouring of support and understanding from friends and strangers alike has been so healing. I have come across some of the strongest women I have ever met through my support group and this blog. Women who are going through similar journeys as I am.

I have also been inspired to make a few changes in the world because of my daughter. I am an Emergency Room Tech, a student, and a Medic in The National Guard. I am currently waiting for the stillbirth leave policy to be changed this July through my work to more reflect that of a maternity leave, and I am also in the process of trying to find the best way of changing the National Guard Policy for stillbirth mothers. I have gotten involved with a non-profit group called "Back In His Arms Again" which assists stillbirth parents with the care of their angel baby and the funeral arrangements, also assisting in the costs that go with it.

My biggest accomplishment thus far, is the start of my own little project, in accordance with the non-profit group "Project Sweet Peas". I am the local project leader here in Ohio, and it is entitled "Roses from Rosalynn". PSP and RFR are dedicated to bringing comfort and memories to parents who have children in the NICU and who have suffered a stillbirth. I am currently focusing my attention on the stillbirth parents. I have bags that will be filled with helpful items that will assist these parents in creating as many memories as possible of their little angel. these bags will have molds for hand and foot impressions, journals for writing thoughts and memories in, disposable cameras, an outfit fit for a burial, blanket, footies, hats, a small bear for baby and a big bear for mom to ease that "empty arm syndrome", and a book "Mommy Please Don't Cry, There are No Tears in Heaven." I am waiting for my big bears and a few more of the books, and I will be making my first 10bag donation very soon. I have friends who have extended their services for blanket making and others who have offered to get donations. I am thrilled at the outpouring of generosity so many have shown. I have added donation buttons to all of my pages that goes directly into a pay-pal account and aids in the expenses of these bags.

Now for an update!

I am getting closer and closer to graduation! I am thrilled! Foster and I have talked about what I should do after March. I still am not sure what I want to do when I grow up. I want to go back to nursing school EVENTUALLY. However, I am burnt out from school. I am soooooo needing a break from this hectic life of school, work, studying, school, work, studying. I feel like it hinders my abilities to pursue that things I love, primarily writing and photography. I have recently taken up photography and am LOVING it, and I have not had the slightest chance to get any further in ANY of my books for the past 6 months because I have been so busy. So, I am giving myself 18 months. 18 months after I graduate to continue working my job and purse my passions. I am going to focus on getting at least one of my books completely written, or at least 80% before trying to get a publisher. I am also going to see how far I can take this photography business. I have an eye, I know that much, but I want to perfect my photo shopping skills, and learn the tricks to making that PERFECT picture! I have tons of friends who have been generous in their time, allowing me to use them as my test subjects on different equipment I have been obtaining, filters, new settings, and new ideas. I LOVE them all for it, and in exchange, they get a free disk with their photos on them.

Foster is incredibly supportive, and thinks that I can achieve my dreams! Have I told you lately how much I love this man? He just wants me to be happy in what I do for the rest of my life, and although nursing would secure an income, I am not so sure how happy it would make me.

Last but not least (sorry for the long post, and thanks to those of you who are still reading!) we have a HUGE project starting in March. Last year, before finding out we were pregnant, Foster and I were getting quotes on remodeling our kitchen. We were going to gut it, however, the news that we were expecting changed those plans. Instead of dropping $15-20,000 on a new kitchen, we needed to put our money towards a wedding that was bumped up 9 months, new carpet and windows in the house since the baby's room needed them BAD, and the expenses of baby furniture and items. Well, now we are going back to the kitchen! We started looking around at ideas, and we will have a couple contractors coming out shortly to show us designs and prices. We figured that if we do get pregnant again (Sorry for those of you who are following my cycles, this month is a bust!) there will be no need to worry about the expenses since we have everything we need for a baby. So, let "Operation Gut Kitchen" commence! We are putting in new floors, new lighting, cabinets, counters, buying new appliances, everything. We are installing hardwood floors through the entry, kitchen, and family room, and even finishing the carpeting upstairs while we are at it. Why not? We are already going to be shelling out a butload of money, what is another $1-2,000 for carpeting right? I can't wait! This will all start in March after I graduate, because Foster does not trust starngers in our home while we are both gone. I will keep you all updated, and I have a feeling it will cause a little strain between Foster and I, because he gets REALLY moody when he spends a lot of money, and there are always hidden costs that pop up with a remodle, like the fact that we will probably have to eat out for a couple of weeks because we will have no kitchen! But I will try my best to keep him relaxed.

Whew! That was alot! Thanks if you held out to the end!

Time Goes By So Slowly......NOT!!!!

Time has gotten away from me. It seems to be going by like a speeding freight train and I can't slow it down. I feel like the more I try and enjoy the moment, the faster it goes. Yesterday was eight months since my precious Rosalynn went back up to heaven to be with God. Where has the time gone? I am sure I would be saying this if she was here also because at this point she would be sitting up, crawling, and trying to form words by mimicking mommy and daddy. If she was anything like me, she would probably already be talking in full sentences! There are days that I feel like April was a lifetime ago, and then other days where I can still feel her in my belly. I get that gut-wrenching clench around my heart, and tears well in my eyes because I still can't believe this happened to us!

One more month has gone by of trying and failing to produce Rosie a sibling. I am a little bummed, even tough I tried to tell myself I wouldn't get my hopes up, I actually had a great feeling about this month. Oh well, as people always say, "When you least expect it it will happen. Just stop thinking about it." This is like telling someone who is drowning to stop thinking about oxygen, when everything inside of them wants nothing more than to take a deep breath. I try to relax, I try to take my mind off of it by staying incredibly busy, but no matter how busy I am, no matter how many massages I get or yoga I do, it still consumes me. I don't think it helps that as Rosie's passing gets further away, the deployment gets closer and closer. I have to admit, my thoughts have been taking a positive spin for my vacation to Afghanistan. I am a medic. I was supposed to be discharged for pregnancy, but due to paper work not being filed in time, I was still in and hence my discharge was canceled when I lost my daughter. Now, I won't get into all the details here, because there are a lot of things that could have been done to honor my discharge, but for one reason or another were not.
My new theory that I am trying to focus on instead of the awful negative thoughts that ran through my head in THIS post, is this:

"If Rosalynn had survived, I would have been out of the Army and hence I would not be going on this deployment. What if I am supposed to go on this deployment because I end up saving someone that I would not have been able to if I wasn't there. What if my daughter had to pass so that I would be there to help someone's husband, father, mother, daughter, etc. survive?"

Now, I know that there will be other medics there, and there would probably be someone else there that could save the person if I wasn't, BUT who knows. Maybe? This is how I am trying to think more positively. I hope no one gets hurt, but if they do, I hope I am there to help.

Onto more fun things! On the Seventh day of Christmas Foster gave to me:

Seven Quarters of college~ He didn't "give" them to me per say, but I have been in school for 7 quarters since we met 3 years ago. 2 of them I had to drop early, one because of Rosie, and the other before I joined the Army. So technically is is only 5 quarters, but for the sake of this "song", I will say 7. By the way, next quarter will be my 8th and FINAL!!!!!

On the Eighth Day of Christmas Foster gave to me:

8 year long contract~ with the Army that is. I had talked to him early in our relationship that I was thinking of joining the Air Force full time. He convinced me into Army National Guard. Now I have 6 active and 2 years inactive years to experience Army life.

SOOOOOOOOO
On the Eighth day of Christmas Foster gave to me:

An Eight year long contract
Seven quarters of college
Six Crazy in-laws
FIIIIVVVVEEEEE BEEEEDDDROOOOOMMMMM HOOOOOMMMMEEEEE
Four poster bed
Three nieces, one nephew
Two spunky puppies
And One beautiful daughter in heaven!!!

Only four more days to go!!!!! Hope everyone is enjoying the Christmas season so far.

Some Peace and Quiet

For the first time in a while, I feel like I don't have much to talk about. Things are at a standstill in just about all aspects of my life for the time being. This is probably a good thing! I am going to bask in this week of very little action. With the holidays approaching, I know it will start getting really busy!

Foster and I did run into some problems with Tricare (the military health insurance). We were under the impression that I was signed up since last December. We had gone in the week after our honeymoon and had me put in the system. I had a dentist apointment this past week, and when I gave them United Concordia as my secondary insurance, they called and the insurance program said I was not listed under his dental OR medical insurance. When Foster called Tricare today, they said I was not qualified for the insurance. I had been denied but no one had bothered to inform us about it for 12 MONTHS!!!

The ONLY real "qualification" I need to fall under his insurance is to be his wife, his dependant. We had me put under him in the system, so there should be no issue. He has to wait till tomorrow to go into the DEERS office and find out what happened. I wonder if there were some wires crossed since I am in the system for being a soldier, and since I am considered a reservist, I don't qualify on my own unless I pay for it, which I don't since I have insurance through my job. Thank GOD I have insurance through my job and decided to keep it after we married, because my insurance covers my high risk doctor and we weren't sure if Tricare would. Because of this, my dental visit was covered with no issues, and it also gave us the heads up that I wasn't under Foster.

I have another family shoot coming up this Saturday. Another one of Foster's families is wanting a Christmas shoot. I am excited, because if the kids can handle the cold, there is supposed to be snow on Saturday, and I think it would make for some beautiful pictures!

Finals start next week, and then after that Foster and I are off to our nation's capitol. Every Christmas for the past 3 years we have gone. It is beautiful this time of year, and we look forward to the National Christmas Tree and getting our picture taken with Santa. At the end of our trip, we are heading up towards Baltimore where we are meeting up with one of my closest BLM friends. I met her on my support group, and we talk to each other on the phone at least once a week, sometimes more. We have gone through this journey together, and we seem to always be in the same spot emotionally. We really bonded, and I consider her my "soul mate" in this journey. I am ecstatic to FINALLY meet her in person! I am sure I will have TONS of pictures, and look forward to sharing our trip with all of you.

So right now, I am enjoying the little break of peace and quiet before life starts picking up again.

A Close Call!!

I pulled  a no-no. I have been taking classes this quarter. I know I don't speak much of school much because it has become such a constant in my life, that I do what I need to do and not think twice about it. I am the eternal college student. Obstacle after obstacle has been set in my way in my pursuit to graduate, and as soon as I see the light at the end of the tunnel, something blows it out. For instance, change in curriculum, change in schools, money issues, and then the death of my daughter.

This quarter is my second to last. If all goes well next quarter, I will be graduating in March of 2011. I almost blew it this week. One of the major classes I have to pass to graduate is my foreign language. I have taken up American Sign Language. I have had fun, excelled, and enjoyed every minute of it. Classes such as Philosphy, which I am also taking this quarter, I know I can squeak by with a B with little effort. I know, why would I accept a "B" when I could easily get an "A"? Well, my lack of motivation and major case of "senioritis" has caused my brain to go with the philosophy that "C's get degrees". I have been a fairly good student, minus a few choice classes, and I am pretty self reliant. If I keep up with the readings, do the homework, and keep up with the online slide shows, I can pull off a B in classes like Philosophy without regularly attending classes. ASL is a totally different story. A language needs to be practiced, finessed, and ASL is no exception. If anything, class attendance is more pertinent than other foreign languages because it is visual language, and in order to "speak" the language, you must be able to understand what it looks like. So, I attend. I am on time with every homework assignment, and put effort into it. However, this past Thursday, Veteran's Day, we had an assignment due. It was a paper that was worth 10% of our final grade. It was based off of a Deaf Event that we were required to attend. I chose a very inspiring lecture by one Dr. Joseph Valente. He wrote a book entitled “d/Deaf and d/Dumb: A Portrait of a Deaf Kid as a Young Superhero”, and was on campus to speak about it, and promote it's release in a few months. I was entranced in his words. He read sections from his book, and spoke on what it was like being deaf in a hearing world. The astounding part of it was that he spoke with such eloquence and clarity that one would never know he was deaf from meeting him. The traditional "deaf accent" was not present. He was so skilled at reading lips, he could read people's lips from the back of the classroom.

I was sitting next to Foster on Friday as he donated blood at the Red Cross when I suddenly realized that I had forgotten to submit the assignment.  I had attended the event weeks ago, should have done the assignment and submitted it right after attending, but for some reason procrastinated. I was instantly mad at myself. I have been holding a High B in this class. I have worked hard, put all effort into it, and now my grade would automatically drop to a C. 10% of my grade would be a BIG FAT ZERO!! I was devastated. I was beating myself up for the next hour and a half. It had been blatantly expressed multiple times that there would be NO late submissions accepted.

Foster suggested that I submit the paper regardless of whether it would be accepted, and explain to my professor the circumstances. He figured I would at least receive partial credit. I explained to him that I didn't see the point in this, because it wasn't like I was sick, in an accident, had a funeral, or any other acceptable excuse. I did however feel it was necessary for me to at least submit my paper so that she was aware that I didn't just refuse to do the assignment all together, and that I actually got something out of the lecture. I emailed her and told her what happened, and understood if she gave me no credit, but wanted her to know I had been inspired by the experience and took it seriously. This was the response I received about 8 hours later:

"Glad you attended the event. You are correct no late submissions are accepted but since your paper was good, I will give you a grade but it will be one lower grade." 90/100

 

SHUT THE FRONT DOOR!!! She has complimented my writing in the past, mentioning that I have a way with words and express my feelings well, incorporating emotional and personal experiences into my papers, but I never thought this would benefit me any further than receiving an A on a paper. I am sooooooo thankful and could not hold back my excitement and gratitude from her. I thanked her profusely, and preceded to call Foster, "I told you so," he replied. He was right. I had actually thought for a moment to accept defeat, accept my fate, and not even submit the paper. Thank God I listened to him, even if it was not for the reason he suggested. And God Bless my ASL teacher!