CUT THE CORD!!! LET ME GO!!!!

There is a topic I haven't talked much about in the past few months. A pretty big topic, and one a few of you are probably interested in getting an update about....the status of my military discharge.  Up until to say, there wasn't much to report. I had filed my original paper work when I was 4 weeks pregnant, and it has been a waiting game ever since. I have had to call my unit about once a week to get a status update, and the packet has been slowly moving up the chain. However, it made it to State Headquarters this week, and that is where the you know what hit the fan.

I have an issue with how hard the National Guard is making this. Most of you know that I have been TRYING to work on getting the NG policy to reflect the Active Duty policy, but NO ONE ever contacts me back. I have written emails and letters to the National Guard Bureau, submitted formal, electronic versions of policy change suggestions, and I need to take a different route. I have an idea, and hopefully it works. Although I have been trying to change it on the national level, maybe I need to focus on my resources here in Ohio. Foster's old boss, and an AMAZING woman whom I have grown fond of, and according to Foster, she likes me too, recently took the position as our new TAG. She is officially our first female General, and she is VERY family oriented. She was crushed when she heard about the loss of Rosie, and she and I have had a few heart to hearts. I am hoping when I see her in Milwaukee in August, that she may have an idea for how to approach this issue.

In the past, if a woman got pregnant, she didn't have a choice, she was automatically discharged from military. Women fought this, and the military changed it's policy so that women had a choice to get out or not. It was a privilege for a woman to stay in. The National Guard now makes it nearly impossible for a woman to get out if she feels the need to. They give the woman the option to finish her time in the Inactive Ready Reserve (IRR), but the problem with that, is that is I can still get called up for a deployment, and this still does not help with our current situation. Foster is in a rapid response unit, one that when called they have a certain time limit to respond. If I am deployed, we do not have any family that lives close enough that they can guarantee to make it to our house in time for him to make it to his unit in that time slot. All of these policies were made BEFORE 9/11, BEFORE the NG was getting deployed as often as Active Duty soldiers. Their policies need to reflect the new times, and need to be reevaluated. OR, State needs to take a closer look at specific situations and not just treat women as a number.

My unit had found a policy that states if there is any reason the soldier cannot go into IRR, and it lists a few of these reasons, then they can just be discharged. We fall into one of those reasons. We would not have the needed family care plan. My packet went all the way up to state without an issue. When it got into the hands of the state headquarters, they denied my discharge. They claim that our situation is temporary, that just about every reason on that list is temporary....THEN WHY THE HECK IS THERE AN EXCEPTION POLICY?!?!!?!? They are contradicting themselves!!! I am so sick and tired of their bull crap.

I am sure you are wondering, "What is the chance that you would be called up for a deployment while in the IRR?"

Realistically, not high. I know tons of people who have been in the IRR who have never been called up. HOWEVER, their time was 2 years, and I will be in for 4.5 years. 4.5 years of living in fear of being deployed. 4.5 years of not knowing if every letter and every phone call could be THE ONE. I am a medic. The state of Ohio is short on medics. Sure, they pull from every other unit they can, and take volunteers for deployments, but there is a WAY higher chance of me being called up than any other position (other than maybe Infantry).

I am frustrated, exhausted, and stressed over this situation. I was HOPING to be done and out WAY before now, and I am creeping up on the 3rd trimester, and they just keep holding onto me. SERIOUSLY!! Cut the cord! Let me go!! Why do they have such separation anxiety with me?!?!? They get to keep my husband. I had actually thought I would want to rejoin after my children were older and could understand why mom was leaving them, but with all the bull they are putting me through, I will NEVER rejoin...at least not the Army.

So we wait. My Sergeant is contacting an old Inspector General (IG) for advice on what to do next. We would rather keep this out of the real IG office, but will use that resource if necessary. Foster decided to read his commander into the situation and the Colonel is going to try and pull some of his resources and attack it from the top down. I guess he knows some people who work up at state. If all else fails, I am going to have a heart to heart with the TAG in August, and see what she has to say.

Don't worry, I will be out. The question at this point is just to what extent.

Military Spouse Magazine Article! And First Gender Predictor Post!

I forgot to tell all of you that the article "A spouse like you" was published in this month's (April's) Military Spouse Magazine. Unfortunately, I have not seen the finished product yet, because I don't have a PX or Commissary around me, but the journalist had said she would send me a copy, so hopefully she follows through! For you milspouses out there, has anyone read it? I would love to hear how it came out! I will post the article for the rest of you as soon as I get it.

On a frustrating note, I dropped my photography class. This all day hangover feeling has made it hard to go to work, much less go to class and then take 50-100 photos for each project each week. I felt bad also because every one of my appointments will be on a Thursday, and I would be missing class more than I want. I already had to reschedule my April 21st for the 28th because I was supposed to have a midterm that day. I guess I could ask to have my original appointment back, but I think I will keep the 28th because we should be able to hear the baby on doppler since I will be 11 weeks by then! I would hate to go in too early and freak out if they couldn't find a HB. Of course, I have no reason to think this baby isn't growing. Between all the symptoms, and my belly popping out ALREADY! I have a feeling we have a strong, healthy one on our hands!

So, I want to start a "Will it be a girl or a boy" sting of posts. I will be doing all of the old wives tales between now and the u/s when we find out. I am not sure how early we will know, because I will be getting them quite frequently after the second trimester hits, so I figured I should start pretty quickly.

So for the First Old Wives Tale, I did the Chinese Gender Predictor Chart. I did a few of them to see if there was any variance, because I know some of them use the Western months and ages, whereas the REAL ones use the lunar/Eastern calendar and ages. I went to this website. According to ALL the Chinese predictor charts, I am to expect a BOY. To compare to Rosalynn, I went back and re-submitted all my info for my conception with Rosie, and sure enough, ALL of them said I would have a GIRL....so how accurate are these?

What does it say you are having/ had? How much can we rely on it? I would love for a few of you to try it out for your current pregnancies or past pregnancies and tell me what it says:-)

So Far:
Boy: 100%
Girl: 0%
This could turn out to be a lot of fun!!! Let me know if there are any old wives tales you want me to try!

Dancing the Night Away!

Foster and I attended the annual Ohio National Guard Winter Dinner and Dance. They decided to hold it in a hotel this year, making it convenient and safer for those who wanted to drink and have a little fun. Foster and I had tossed the decision back and forth on whether to get a room. We decided that if I was not pregnant this month ( I would have found out 7 days before the ball), then we would get a room so that neither one of us had to be the responsible adult and drive us home. I have to admit, although I would love nothing more than to have Rosalynn here, or be pregnant with her brother or sister, it is the little things like this that make me look on the positive side of not having children to worry about. (I have to look at the bright side to keep myself sane).

I had to work the night before so I was afraid I would be exhausted. I had to get my nails done before my hair appointment with the girls at 2pm. I woke up at 11 and rolled myself out of bed, headed to the salon, and got a manicure and pedicure. Foster packed our bags, and when I got back we headed towards the hotel. I met the girls at the salon, and the hair artists commenced on out locks. They hair style came out beautiful!!

MINE! LOVE IT!!

Foster and a few of the guys decided to head to a local bar and start drinking while watching rugby while I headed to the next step in my transformation, makeup! If you remember I told you I was going to go to Macy's to get my makeup done, well, they did not have a MAC counter at this Macy's so I went to the Lancome counter instead. As I mentioned, I spent WAY more than their minimum, but I came away with some great skin products. I really need to switch up my skin regimen after the pregnancy because my skin has not been the same, and I have quite a few more wrinkles than I did a year ago.

As I was getting my makeup done, my best friend JJ showed up because she just happened to be int he area. We got to talk and hang out for a little bit, it had been WAY too long!

Once the prep work was done, foster and I went to the hotel room where Mr and Mrs Prince met up with us for a few cocktails prior to the event. This is when I snuck into the bedroom to put the finishing touches to my look, I put on the dress and jewelry. When I emerged from the bathroom, Foster's jaw dropped. He was so pleased with the look I had put together, and even admitted that the money was worth it because I looked "Beautiful, classy and stunning". I will show you this picture, but Foster is not happy, because he is missing his jacket, but it is the ONLY full length picture I have of my dress. Make sure to check out the shoes!

Foster and I all dressed up! (minus his jacket:-)

Mr and Mrs Prince

Foster goofing off

Who knows! they were messin with the camera!

When we went downstairs tot eh ball, there were TONS of people there. I thoroughly enjoy going to these events, because I am such a social butterfly. Everyone from the first FEMALE Ohio TAG was present, to the CSM of the Ohio Army National Guard. The TAG informed me that regardless of whether Foster was able to attend this year's NAGUS conference in Milwaukee, I was coming. "Well yes Ma'am!" I responded as we both started laughing. I don't know how I can say no to that, so I guess I am attending the conference in August!

When I went looking for people from my unit, they were nowhere to be found. I know I have a small unit, but I was kind of hoping at least one of the officers would be present. I stopped by to talk to my Battalion Commander, and asked her if she knew where my unit was seated, and she said "You are it!". I laughed and told her I left my uniform at home and it was too small anyway.

Of course I came armed with my camera, and got some great photos!

The boys!

Our new FIRST FEMALE TAG and her hubby!

love these guys!

and them too! look at her heals! Hot!

Foster is taking us BOTH to the ball next year since her hubby will be deployed:-) We are getting matching dresses and she is dying her air red...then it will be his ultimate fantasy!

The funniest story of the night was when Foster ate the leftovers off his boss' wife's plate! She had a whole piece of salmon she didn't even touch, and I guess all the drinking had made Foster hungry, so he asked her a total of three times if she minded if she was SURE she wasn't going to eat it, and she insisted he take it, but of course as soon as he ate it, we would not let him live it down. From what I hear, his boss is still teasing him about it at work, and making TALL tails out of the story, jokingly saying Foster stole the food and was eating off of every one's plates. I warned him they would never let him live that down! Of course we took a picture of him pretending to take her dessert too!

His boss is hilarious and always likes to tease Foster because of how well he takes it!

Around 1 AM Foster was about to drop. I took him upstairs and tucked him into bed and then headed back down to the hotel bar to spend more time with the girls! We sat by an outdoor fire and chatted with the CSM (Command Sergeant Major) for about another hour. He was stationed with Foster on their last deployment, and for a while we were chatting and every time I mentioned something about myself, he would respond "I know,"

I responded, "Now, I know since I am in the Army there are things that you can find out that way, but how the heck do you know some of these personal things?!?!"

He said, "Well, Foster told me so much about you! He talked about you for a year straight and I probably know more about you than you can imagine."

That scares me just a little bit! But at the same time, it was flattering to know that Foster talked so much about me while he was deployed, and to such an important man. By the end of the evening we were toasting champagne, and I learned a lot more about him too, so I didn't feel so odd.

Overall it was a pretty amazing night, and I really enjoyed spending such a special night with Foster. I am already looking forward to next year's ball!

Welcome...and Sad to See You Go

So I noticed I have picked up a few more followers, and also that I have lost some people. It is sad to see people drop from my friend list, but I understand that some people have to move on.  I lost a few after my last post about drill weeknds, and I hope I didn't offend anyone, especially my military spouses and members out there. I want to clarify something, I love my country and I love the Army. The problems I have are not with either one of these. Prior to losing Rosalynn I thought I was invincible. Nothing could hurt me, and I was willing to callenge life. My priorities were completely different. Since April, my life was turned upside down, and everything has changed. The other night when I was writing that post, I was crying as I told David how upset and angry I was how things have turned out. Not just with losing my child, but with how let down I have been by my unit. I feel like that kid who has been completely let down by their parents. Before I joined, and when I was in training, my perception of the military was they would protect their own. I was convinced that if I was ever in trouble, they would be like family.

I cried because I had felt abandoned by the family I thought I could rely on. This is enough to make anyone feel angry and bitter. Foster and I have mulled over different plans of action; discharge for depression, asking to be transfered to a different unit, etc., but I am going to stick it out. I am not a quitter. I mentioned we have a new First Sergeant and a new Comander. Although I have not yet talked one on one with the new commander, I have talked to the 1SG and I hope he is passing on information to my CO. From the looks of it, this new leadership seems to be more in tuned with my ideals of what the military should be, my second family. I feel like I have renewed hope. I am praying that this is not like the abandoned child who gets their hopes up when their deadbeat father comes back for a week or two, promises to stick around, buys the child gifts, and then ends up leaving again. I am optimistic that this is a situation where a new leadership means new priorities. So far it seems good, but I am not going to get my expectations up too high.

For those of you who just joined me, I promise I do not complain and whine in every post. I am actually a pretty upbeat person for everything life has thrown at me this past year. I have been married to the man of my dreams, my prince charming, for a little over a year now. We are a dual military status couple. He is active duty in the National Guard, and I am a traditional guardsman. I am a full time student 5 weeks away from graduating with my bachelors in Psychology, and I work full time in and emergency room, which I absolutely love.....most of the time. On April 20th, 2010 Foster and I lost our first and only child, Rosalynn @ 34weeks5days gestation, a mear 3 weeks from our scheduled c-section, to stillbirth. Three weeks after that, Mama Red, Foster's best friend's mom passed away the night before Mother's Day. She was like a second mother to him. Three weeks after that, MY best friend's mom passed away from pancreatic cancer. She was a light in my life for the past 29 years. She was one of the most selfless, caring, Christian women I have ever known, and when in six weeks three very important people in my life passed, I was rocked to the core. I have been tested in so many ways. My faith, my marriage, and my sanity have all been tested these past 10 months, and I feel like I have come out stronger. My marriage has flourished and somehow become stronger that thitanium, the devil has not won in his pursuit of tearing me away from God, and my sanity....well, the jury is still out on this:-)

I thank you for joining my journey as I find ways of coping with my grief through writing, photography and my new non-profit project "Roses from Rosalynn with Project Sweet Peas". I have met so many amazing people through this blog who have enriched my life more than I could ever have imagined. Please do not be a stranger. I love comments and try to respond to any of you who take the time to write me (as long as you have the setting that allows me to reply by email to your comment on.)

A "Breakthrough"?!?

I had my own little revelation today. I notice that right before drill every month I get anxious, and filled with dread. I never really could put my finger on why I feel this way. It's not like we do a whole lot that would cause stress on drill weekends; we take a PT test every month, and then maybe have a few classes or paint walls (we did a LOT of painting this weekend!!). You would think it was the easiest "job" in the world. As a junior enlisted, I have no responsibility other than to do what I am told, sit around chatting with other junior enlisted, and wait until the leaders decide to let us loose for the night.Yes, I get paid for this. Drill weekends should be almost a "vacation" from my normal, hectic life.

 First Sergeant called me in to his office this afternoon. He wanted to check on me. Let's just say I took an email very personally that was not his intention and he was a little worried about me. As soon as he asked "How are you doing?" and really meant it, the waterworks started. They always do when someone REALLY wants to know how I am doing. I had held it together all weekend. Sure, I had complained a little here and there about the endless painting we had to do, or rolled my eyes when we were told to move a set of filing cabinets for the fifth time BACK to the original spot they were in, but if I didn't complain, I wouldn't be the typical junior enlisted soldier now would I? However, once I looked into his eyes that were genuinely filled with concern, I lost it. The talk was good, and I was grateful that with as little time that he has in a weekend, especially with a deployment on the horizon, he took a few minutes to check on me.

As I jumped into my car to head home to enjoy some homemade chili and football with Foster, tears started streaming down my eyes. It occurred to me for the first time that it was a Sunday after drill, very similar to today, that my last full day with my Rosalynn was unknowingly coming to an end. I had been in civilian clothes because I was soooooo big, and the only thing my commander asked was "Finny, why are you in civilian clothes?" I guess he had forgotten about the 5 times I had requested the maternity ACUs but had yet to receive . As a health care provider (a nurse practitioner in his civilian life) you would think he might have been concerned about my overly swollen legs, the feet that were so swollen that only flip flops could fit on them. You would think at the very  least he would have asked how the pregnancy was going, or offer to finish the final signatures pertaining to my discharge that I was holding in my hands. However, "Why are you in civilian clothes?" and "I will sign those later," were the only things he said to me. I spent most of my time with my feet elevated in the office, and only got up to pee, heat up some food, and to let everyone feel my belly when Rosie got the hiccups for the first time ever. One of our radiology techs (who I currently also work at the hospital with) sat down concerned and told me he was worried about my swelling and the pregnancy because he had just recently been witness to an ultrasound where a 36 week pregnant woman was told the baby's heart had stopped. He told me to pay close attention to the kicks. I giggled uncomfortably and reassured him that I would be fine, and if I noticed a decrease in movement, I would be sure to call my OB. This conversation is one of the main  reasons I noticed she wasn't moving so early on.

As I was driving home from drill, I realized that I think I resent that place. Not the people, the PLACE. Every time I get in uniform and go to that armory, I am reminded of what I lost. Even if I went all month without crying or thinking badly about my loss; even if I went all month with positive, wonderful things happening, and no sad or angry moments; even if all month I was able to NOT think about the immense pain that sits in the middle of my chest (not likely, but we can always hope), I am ALWAYS reminded of those last days every time I put that uniform on and head into drill. The same uniform I used to love donning and was proud to zip up and walk out the door in, is now a uniform that is a constant reminder of my loss every time I put it on. It is not one of those good reminders, like seeing a rose in bloom or hearing a song that makes me smile in remembrance of my daughter. It is one of those painful reminders that makes me anxious, depressed, and even angry.

In therapy this may be considered a "breakthrough". I have realized one reason for my anxiety, now it is a matter of figuring out how to deal with all of this; but for now I breath a sigh of relief for yet another drill weekend passing, I look forward to the next few weeks of not thinking about going back, and in a few weeks I will start to mentally prepare myself again for yet another round. 

Military Ball Dress Shopping!!

Although life has been a little boring as of late, the next few months is bringing some new adventures. Of course I am looking forward to graduation this March, but there are two more events I am looking forward to almost just as much, The National Guard Winter Dinner and dance, and the Women of Faith Conference (I will post about this later).

In a few weeks Foster and I will be attending the National Guard's Winter Dinner and Dance. One of my fellow military wives called me yesterday wondering if I would be interested in getting my makeup and hair done with her. Of course I was interested! I LOVE getting pampered! I bought a coupon off of groupon.com for a facial at 70% off (I promise, this is NOT a plug) you NEED to check out this site if you have not already!. I am getting a mani/pedi I also got a coupon off of groupon.com, and then on the day of the ball I will be going and getting my hair and makeup done with the girls. I have a trick to getting a good makeover, pay the money, but get something in return. Instead of paying $50 at a salon for professional makeup application and leaving with nothing but an empty wallet and a face that only lasts one evening, the MAC counter at your local department store will do a free scheduled makeover and you buy $50 worth of products. I LOVE this, because I already use MAC, and always need something added to my makeup collection, and they do an amazing job. However the downside is I usually walk away spending a lot more than $50.

Yesterday my mom journeyed through the weather to stay with me. She is leaving for the Virgin Islands tomorrow, and she was afraid she would get snowed in at her house so she came to stay with me! I only live about 15 minutes from the airport. After talking to my friend about the ball, she said she was going out dress shopping. I figured I would too because I didn't want to wait for the last minute. Since I don't like going shopping by myself, I waited for my mom to arrive and we were off to find a ball gown.

I was really nervous about this, because I am about 2 sizes bigger than before I was pregnant. I am extremely self conscience about my body, and not happy with anything I have put on recently. I see pictures of myself, and I am disgusted at the way my body looks, so I was dreading the dress shopping.

Our first stop was Nordstrom's. I felt so out of place in this store, because I was dressed to go to the gym after shopping, but the sales associate was sooooooo helpful. She helped me pick out a few beautiful gowns and helped give an outsider's opinion on each of them. I found one gown that I absolutely loved. It was elegant, sexy, but EXTREMELY expensive! It was slimming and flattered me and my curves, but I was a little fidgety in the gown because it clung a little too much to my hips because of the material it was made of. If I'm not comfortable, I will be self conscience all night, so I made a note in my head to come back if I couldn't find anything better.

The next dress I tried on was also beautiful, but red is often a hard color for me to pull off because of my hair color. The gathering at the waist was perfect to hide that little baby fat still settled around my midsection, and the one shoulder was perfect to make my shoulders look smaller than they are. I liked it, but it was just not what I was looking for.

Mom and I decided to head over to Macy's. I was confident that I would find an appropriate dress for a decent price since the holidays have passed. THEY HAD NOTHING!!! I mean NOTHING!!! I was baffled. I have never had an issue finding a gown at Macy's, but it seemed they sold every long gown for the holidays and only had a few select ones left over. The ones that were in my size were hideous, and the ones I liked didn't have my size. Before I got too frustrated, mom had an idea to head over to David's Bridal. I was hesitant, because I wasn't looking for a bridesmaid's dress, however, I recalled that they do have a party dress section. As we were looking through the racks, mom came across a dress so elegant, so beautiful, it would never pass as a bridesmaid's dress. I was so excited. I grabbed a few different colors, red, black, and navy blue, and headed to the dressing room. When I emerged in the black version of the gown, heads turned. It fit perfectly, it is so elegant and classy. I felt beautiful. Many of you women know that even if you have a few extra pounds, if you feel beautiful, you look beautiful to those around you. You exude a confidence that people stand up and take notice of. As soon as I topped the dress off with these heels, I just knew it was the outfit!

I know, I am sure you all want to see the dress too, but Foster will not see it until the night of the ball, so neither will you. I haven't been this excited about a gown since my wedding dress!

Bittersweet....My Deployment Status

Yesterday was filled with all sorts of emotions. Usually, when drill comes along, I can put on a "happy face" and get through the two days. I had accomplished this on Saturday. However, standing in line for my weigh in on Sunday, our new First Seargent walked by and asked how the weigh in was going. I said, "Well, this is the first month I can't claim post-partum as an excuse," and laughed uncomfortably.  I figured since I had asked for the command to be informed about my loss, not for sympathy, but so they may be a little more understanding, I just assumed that he already knew.

Well, you know what they say when you assume..."You make an 'ass' out of 'u' and 'me'." Boy did I!

He looked at me with a smile on his face and said, "Well, congratulations! Did you have a girl or a boy?"

I know it was not his fault. I know he didn't know, but tears started welling up in my eyes, and I responded, "No First Sergent, we lost my daughter Rosalynn around 35 weeks."

The look on his face was of pure guilt and horror. He told me to walk with him and explain my story. So I did, and he informed me that his family has gone through a similar loss, and he knows the feelings and pain. He said that he was truly sorry and if there was anything he could do, to let him know. I mentioned the botched paperwork for my discharge and how I was in process of trying to get policies to reflect more of the active duty regulations in regards to stillbirth, "Well, we can take a look at those papers and see if we can still get you out of here if that is what you want."

I didn't know how to react to this. For 9 months all I have been told is "No". I have been told that there was no way I could get out, no matter what my papers said, or who made the mistakes. How can one man be so confident that he can change that?!?! I instantaneously liked this man. Not because he can get me out, but because he said that he would do whatever he could to help! That is the first time in nine months I had heard those words from someone other than my immediate NCO channel. They have all cared and tried, but when it got to a certain level, no one seemed to care.

Now, I must admit, after seething for so long, I have come to the realization that getting "out" is not necessarily what I want. I am not a quitter, and I have a contract to uphold. As the pain is getting easier to bear from losing Rosie, I feel more and more like a soldier. Now, this is not to say I am in any way mentally or emotionally ready to deploy. I am not at any point where I can be relied on to save a life or be under high amounts of stress. This is another reason I think the Regular Active Duty Army has their stuff together. Their policy would allow a soldier to return to duty after 18-24 months of the loss. This gives them time to grieve and get back into shape emotionally AND physically.

I went back to the bathroom to resume my weigh-in, and tears were just streaming. You fellow baby loss moms are farmiliar with the fact that once it starts, once a trigger has caused the flood gates to open, it is almost impossible to stop them, and the rest of the day is a struggle!

About 2 hours later, First Sergeant stood in front of all of us and started calling out the names of the Forward attachment, those soldiers that would be going overseas. I was nervous, my hands started sweating, my legs started to go numb as I sat there in the classroom just waiting for my name to be called. I felt the tears starting again, and I felt as if I was going to pass out. As I heard each name called and each person stand up to file downstairs for their initial briefing, I just knew it was a matter of time before they called my name, and I was terrified that I would collapse when I heard it. On Friday I had noticed that my medical status had gone back to "Green" on my online account. I figured since the pregnancy was all cleared, that there was no reason for me to be in the red any more.

More and more names were called, and then he stopped, glanced through his list one more time, and then said, "Well, that is it. The rest of you are on the rear detachment. This will not change unless YOU want it to. If you get your issues cleared up in time, then we can get you put on the forward, however, as of right now, this is how it stands. Does anyone have a question to why they are on the rear?"

I know I had a look of confusion in my eyes, but I was not going to raise my hand, because I didn't want my reason to be announced in front of everyone since I didn't know what the reason was myself. However, my startled look did not go unnoticed, and after First Sergeant was done, one of the Lieutenants called me over. She and I have been friends for a while. We went to ROTC together, she lived with me for a couple months, and we have remained close (outside of uniform of course). Of everyone in my unit, she probably knows me better than anyone. She pulled me aside and asked me if I knew why this happened. I admitted that I didn't and she explained, "Major **** (my old commander) entered into the system that you were suffering from Postpartum Depression, and that it was neither in your best interest or the units best interest to have you accompany us. We want to make sure that you are ok and that you are taken care of. This is not something you should have to be worrying about so soon after your loss."

I was stunned, relieved, and a little embarrassed. I started crying again. LT's eyes started getting red as it seemed like she was holding back tears, "Are those tears of relief?" she asked.

"I think so," I said, with a small chuckle. "I had no idea," I said, "I have been in this awful place of the unknown for the past 5 months. Anxiety and depression have been my biggest enemies since finding out about this deployment, and now I can relax. However, is it natural to feel a little guilty at the same time?"

My feelings of guilt stemmed from the fact that someone else has to go in my place. Someone else has to leave their family and friends and put themselves in harm's way. What if something happens to that person? I know I will never know the exact person who took my place, however, I will always wonder. I just pray every single person comes back safe and sound!

It is so weird how the emotions are different than last deployment. I was put on the rear for our tour to Iraq because I was pregnant. I was originally on the forward, but 2 months later got that positive pregnancy test. I was devastated. I wanted to go, and instead of guilt and relief, there was only disappointment and anger. Well, 3 months before the deployment, it was canceled. So, there is a lot that can happen in the next months, but regardless, I will be home safe to focus on the rest of my journey through grieving and healing. Thank you all for your prayers and support, and I ask for you to continue to pray for the men and women of my unit that will be risking their lives. I know that if I remain in, that my time will eventually come, and I know at that point, I will be ready to go and make everyone proud.

My FIRST Published Piece!!!!!

Here it is....FINALLY!! My very first "published" piece!! It is the article I wrote for the Ohio National Guard Association. I was afraid they were going to cut it down, let's just say I would be an awful journalist if I was only fiven 500 words!! But they didn't and I am sooooo excited to share the entire article with you! So without further adieu: 


"A Guard Wife's View"


Erin Foster · As my husband David and I stepped off of the
plane in Austin, Texas, I was filled with anticipation and excitement
for another entertaining conference hosted by the
National Guard Association of the United States (NGAUS).
With a little hesitation and no knowledge of what to expect,
I had accompanied David to his first conference, last year
in Nashville. This year was different; I was feeling like a
seasoned vet.

On our way to Austin we met a wide-eyed woman in the
airport wearing an Air Force T-shirt. After introductions, I
was pleased to find out that Rae was the wife of Ohio Air National
Guard Capt. Bo Cunningham. I was ecstatic, because
last year I had the pleasure of spending time with Tessie
Springer, the wife of Capt. J. R. Springer, and I was hoping
to meet another Ohio wife to enjoy my time with this year.
I was eager to introduce Rae to all of the spousal activities
available at the conference.

We arrived in Austin to real Texan hospitality. There
were tables with refreshments offered while we boarded
the buses that would take us to our respective hotels. Each
state was assigned to a different hotel in downtown Austin,
and we were provided bus transportation to and from the
Conference center, the different activities, and the hotels.
When David and I checked into the Radisson, our room
was not ready. However, to our delight the hospitality suites
were already open. Each state had a hospitality suite supplied
with snacks and beverages to entertain its members
and visitors from other states during downtime throughout
the weekend. We made our way to the suite where col
Ashenhurst, Mr. and Mrs. Wilson, and a few other members
of Ohio’s National Guard Association (ONGA) already were
taking advantage of all of the comforts the hospitality room
had to offer. We joined them for some drinks and conversation
until our room was cleaned and ready. We were eager
to prepare ourselves for the night’s festivities.

The first night the company grade officers and field grade
officers went their separate ways. The Company Grade
Mixer was hosted at Deutsches Haus, which had a great indoor/
outdoor environment for socializing. Thanks to donations
by DRASH, we were provided with an open bar of
local wines and beers, including Shiner Bock. We enjoyed
a buffet of brats and brisket, potato salad and coleslaw was

served while a live band performed familiar country songs.
It was our first opportunity to meet and greet couples from
all over the country. 

During this event the tradition of trading the state pins
became noticeable. Each state designs and brings their
own pins and gives each member and their spouse a certain
number to trade with other state members. It is the
perfect opportunity for people to mingle and strike up conversations.
This year Ohio was represented with the Marble
Head Lighthouse complete with its own red blinking
light. The goal was to obtain a pin from each of the fiftyfour
states and territories. Some of the wives made it a little
friendly competition, and came up with some creative
means for filling up their lanyards. I was able to obtain
forty-six states this year.
 
Although Thursday night was full of activities and socializing,
Friday was the official kickoff of the conference. All
of the exhibits were open for viewing and included everything
from previews of wearable gear to the newest military
technology. While the officers inquired about new gear
for their troops, their spouses took interest in some of the
interactive booths and the free goodies that were up for
grabs. We were able to fire computerized weapons, tour
new combat vehicles and tents, and even create personalized
dog tags. Pens, coffee mugs, T-shirts, kozies, and notepads
were just a few of the goodies I grabbed to add extra
pounds to my suitcase. After taking our first quick tour of
the exhibits, Rae and I headed up to the opening ceremonies.
Last year, I was unaware that spouses were allowed
to attend this portion of the conference, and fully intended
to be present this year.
 
A local high school’s JROTC performed an impressive
drill team routine to kick off the ceremony. A mariachi band
and country music musicians played songs leading up to
the introduction of the governor of Texas, Rick Perry. He
gave an incredible speech that welcomed everyone to the
great state of Texas, explained all of the future plans for
the Texas National Guard, and jokingly asked the soldiers
present to stay behind and help secure the border.
Immediately following the governor’s speech came the
State Roll Call. Each year, a representative of each state has
sixty seconds to introduce their state. Each one is different.
Some states described their accomplishments in the military,
some rattled off facts in creative ways while throwing
treats into the audience. I made a note that next year
I am going to borrow my husband’s IOTV and ACH for the

State Roll Call. Puerto Rico threw bags of coffee, Louisiana
threw Mardi Gras beads, Texas threw cowboy hats. I was
hit in the head twice by candy corn that Nebraska tossed,
dodged numerous snacks and goodies, and was relieved
when the “Granite State,” New Hampshire, decided not to
throw real granite. Did you know California has more cows
than Texas, and makes more cheese than Wisconsin? Did
you know that Georgia has the biggest party college in the
nation? A few interesting characters accompanied the roll
call of select states. Elvis was in the building, and Maryland
had dancing crabs. Alabama promised that if you visited
their beaches, thanks to BP, you would lie down and stick
to them. All in all, it was very entertaining.

The day was followed by an evening of bull riding, barrel
racing and rodeo clowns. For supper, everyone enjoyed
brisket, rotisserie chicken, and peach cobbler served out of
the back of Conestoga wagons. As if a rodeo wasn’t enough
excitement for the evening, like royalty, we were treated to
a private concert by country music singer Rick Trevino. We
headed back shortly after the concert, and although some
couples decided to check out the night life of Austin, we
headed back to the hotel because David had an early morning
of meetings, and I had a big day of shopping ahead of me.

Saturday morning was the big spouses outing. While
our husbands and wives were busy in meetings, we were
given the option of shopping at the Riverfront in San Antonio,
antique shopping in Austin, or outlet mall shopping
in San Marcos. To our surprise, we were each handed a
twenty-dollar gift card to use on our shopping excursion.
Even though the temperatures were reaching 106 degrees,
Rae and I enjoyed our outlet mall shopping experience.
Some of the spouses enjoyed their free afternoon by lying
out at the hotel pools and relaxing. I was impressed by the
way the spouses were included and entertained through
the long hours our soldiers and airmen were in meetings.

Saturday night was the much-anticipated Hospitality
Night. As I mentioned previously, each state has a suite
that is designated to their members for relaxing and refreshments
during downtime. However, one night out of
the weekend, the rooms were transformed into a room full
of pride for the state. It was their opportunity to brag about
the local foods, display fun decorations representing college
and professional teams, and to entertain visitors from
other states. New York had some of their upstate wines and,
of course, Buffalo wings. Florida had crab dips and a “special
recipe” clam chowder. The SEC football states put their
differences aside and banned together to throw the partyof all hospitality parties at Maggie Mae’s, a local bar. It was a two-story bar opened exclusively to the NGAUS participants.
Music, drinks, dancing and more food was available.
I think I gained fifteen pounds from all of the succulent
brisket I ate.

As the conference was coming to a close, the spouses
were offered a parting gift. They had about fifteen gifts
from which to choose, including longhorn shaped dinner
bells, pewter or sterling silver cuff bracelets, coffee mugs,
and for the culinary lovers present, a book filled with Texas
recipes. Each wife walked away with a souvenir to fit their
own taste and style. Rae chose a beautiful sterling silver
bracelet, and I chose the boot shaped dinner bell that is a
nice addition to my western themed bedroom.

On the last night, Texas sent us out in style. The state’s
dinner is always the last event, and this one was a great
culmination to the 2010 NGAUS Conference. Filet mignon,
stuffed chicken, sweet potatoes and fresh salad were served,
together with bottles of red and white wine. After an enjoyable
meal with the other Ohio junior officers, we were
invited to get a group picture with the Ohio TAG, MG Wayt.
It was the perfect conclusion to the perfect weekend.

I strongly encourage all officers and their spouses to join
us for the 2011 NGAUS Conference in Milwaukee! These
conferences have great professional opportunities for any
officer, and wonderful occasions for spouses to
meet and make lasting friendships. As Rae perfectly articulated,
“I felt not only included, but welcomed into this part
of Bo’s life which is so important to him.” David and I fully
intend to participate. So, you first-timers feel free to hunt
down the bubbly, talkative, red head, and I will be glad to
show you the ropes!

Time Goes By So Slowly......NOT!!!!

Time has gotten away from me. It seems to be going by like a speeding freight train and I can't slow it down. I feel like the more I try and enjoy the moment, the faster it goes. Yesterday was eight months since my precious Rosalynn went back up to heaven to be with God. Where has the time gone? I am sure I would be saying this if she was here also because at this point she would be sitting up, crawling, and trying to form words by mimicking mommy and daddy. If she was anything like me, she would probably already be talking in full sentences! There are days that I feel like April was a lifetime ago, and then other days where I can still feel her in my belly. I get that gut-wrenching clench around my heart, and tears well in my eyes because I still can't believe this happened to us!

One more month has gone by of trying and failing to produce Rosie a sibling. I am a little bummed, even tough I tried to tell myself I wouldn't get my hopes up, I actually had a great feeling about this month. Oh well, as people always say, "When you least expect it it will happen. Just stop thinking about it." This is like telling someone who is drowning to stop thinking about oxygen, when everything inside of them wants nothing more than to take a deep breath. I try to relax, I try to take my mind off of it by staying incredibly busy, but no matter how busy I am, no matter how many massages I get or yoga I do, it still consumes me. I don't think it helps that as Rosie's passing gets further away, the deployment gets closer and closer. I have to admit, my thoughts have been taking a positive spin for my vacation to Afghanistan. I am a medic. I was supposed to be discharged for pregnancy, but due to paper work not being filed in time, I was still in and hence my discharge was canceled when I lost my daughter. Now, I won't get into all the details here, because there are a lot of things that could have been done to honor my discharge, but for one reason or another were not.
My new theory that I am trying to focus on instead of the awful negative thoughts that ran through my head in THIS post, is this:

"If Rosalynn had survived, I would have been out of the Army and hence I would not be going on this deployment. What if I am supposed to go on this deployment because I end up saving someone that I would not have been able to if I wasn't there. What if my daughter had to pass so that I would be there to help someone's husband, father, mother, daughter, etc. survive?"

Now, I know that there will be other medics there, and there would probably be someone else there that could save the person if I wasn't, BUT who knows. Maybe? This is how I am trying to think more positively. I hope no one gets hurt, but if they do, I hope I am there to help.

Onto more fun things! On the Seventh day of Christmas Foster gave to me:

Seven Quarters of college~ He didn't "give" them to me per say, but I have been in school for 7 quarters since we met 3 years ago. 2 of them I had to drop early, one because of Rosie, and the other before I joined the Army. So technically is is only 5 quarters, but for the sake of this "song", I will say 7. By the way, next quarter will be my 8th and FINAL!!!!!

On the Eighth Day of Christmas Foster gave to me:

8 year long contract~ with the Army that is. I had talked to him early in our relationship that I was thinking of joining the Air Force full time. He convinced me into Army National Guard. Now I have 6 active and 2 years inactive years to experience Army life.

SOOOOOOOOO
On the Eighth day of Christmas Foster gave to me:

An Eight year long contract
Seven quarters of college
Six Crazy in-laws
FIIIIVVVVEEEEE BEEEEDDDROOOOOMMMMM HOOOOOMMMMEEEEE
Four poster bed
Three nieces, one nephew
Two spunky puppies
And One beautiful daughter in heaven!!!

Only four more days to go!!!!! Hope everyone is enjoying the Christmas season so far.

Veteran's Day and Baby Photos

Happy Veteran's Day! It has been an eventful day for Foster and I. I mentioned a few weeks ago that I was going to have the opportunity to photograph a baby for the first time. The family I did it for were more than willing to let me use their daughter as practice and in return, I am giving them free photos. that is right!! FREE!!!

The photo session was bitter sweet. I thoroughly enjoyed myself, but then realized that I should be taking Rosie's six month pictures and practicing with my own baby instead of with one of Foster's soldiers. Some of them came out beautifully! I am content with my first attempt at photography. I still have a lot to learn, but that is to be expected. I used all manual functions, no automatic. I have only done some basic white balance edits so far, and will do more in depth editing after I download photoshop. There is some photos I want to even out the baby's skin tone, because she has a little bit of baby acne/rash, and some advanced edits such as singling out the pink in the tutu and the red in the Ohio State pictures. I will post all of the finished pictures when I get them done, but until then, here are some of the pictures I have so far:

 She was starting to get really fussy (this is toward the end of the session,) but I love the mirror effect, and will try this again next time (hopefully she isn't so fussy)

 Sweet baby girl

 I love the contrast of the soft baby and the tattoo from dad

 sweet fall baby, sleeping in the woods:-)

 She was so content outside, she was so calm and sleepy in the park.

Had to represent the favorite football team:-)

I have a few naked photos of baby with ACUs, an American flag, and combat boots, but I have to crop a few of them before posting them on here (baby butt is for mom and dad only:-)

 All because two people fell in love

And of course I had to get a picture of the man I love in the park too!

Remember, ALL of these picture are mine and the family's. By the way, if anyone else is willing to let me borrow you, your family, or your kids for practice, I will gladly do the same favor for you as I did for them. Better jump on it now before I get good enough where I can charge. Yes, I am willing to do newborn and maternity photos.

I completely understand why professionals charge so much. It took us 3 hour, and out of about 300-400 photos, I only got about 50 usable ones. The baby would move, make faces, cry, wake up, pee, eat. All of the outfit changes take longer than expected because you want to be gentle so she wouldn't get upset and then cry for the next 10 minutes. Once we figured out she liked it outside, we moved all of the "scenes" out to the back patio so that she would be content. Thank the Lord it was 70 degrees out today. With all of the issues, I still had so much fun, and hope that they enjoy the end project!

Once the family took off, Foster, Reagan, Rowdy and I hopped into the car and headed to Hocking Hills. I took TONS of photographs there also, but those will have to wait to be posted, because I still have to sort through and pic the best of 250 pictures. 

We decided a hike in the hills would be healthy, quality family time on Veterans Day. We took a timed photo on a ledge by the caves, and accidentally left my Oakley sunglasses laying on the tree trunk I had propped the camera on. Foster and I had driven about ten minutes outside of the State Park when I realized my glasses were missing. Now, if they had been any other sunglasses, I would have forgotten about them and refused to turn back, but if you recall, I spoiled myself with these glasses, and spent WAY more money than I should have on them. I made Foster make a U turn, and he sprinted through the forest back to the scene of the crime. As I parked the car, I prayed that the glasses would still be there, and he would not find an empty tree stump. Foster was convinced that if any hiker came upon the sunglasses, that they would have picked them up. Luckily, they were right where I left them. If anyone had seen them, they were honest and left the glasses alone in the even the owners came back to claim them.

When we were safely back on the road, I received a text message from JJ. I had completely forgotten that her moms birthday was today. She claimed she tried to call me, but there is no phone reception in the hills, so I never got the call. I can imagine what a hard day this must have been for her. The holidays and special occasions are always the hardest. This was the first time she didn't get the chance to call and wish her mom a happy birthday. She wasn't able to give her a gift or take her out to dinner. Bug apparently met up with her and they enjoyed dinner together, but I'm sure it didn't come close to healing the pain she was feeling today. 

I still have so much to fill you in on, but it is going to have to wait till next time. I had my second therapy appointment, and Foster and I met up with Holly and her family. She is another BLM who is quickly turning into a friend.

With Once Voice and an Update

November is upon us. It is the month that All Saints and All Souls days are celebrated. There are numerous masses and services in remembrance of the ones who have preceded us in death. The sermon on Sunday was interesting. The priest started talking about heaven and hell and "purgatory". It was once believed by the church that babies that were not baptized before death were either in hell, or in limbo which is the outskirts of hell because although they have not committed any worldly sins, they are still with original sin.

There are quite a few issues with this theory. First of all, although the church binds itself with God's sacraments, God himself is not bound by His sacraments. essentially, he wants all of his children to be saved and join Him in Heaven for eternity "the great mercy of God, who desires that all men should be saved) (1 Tm 2:4), so what makes ANYONE think that God would punish a child to an eternity in limbo is beyond me.  to top it all off, God watched how Jesus embraced the children "But Jesus called the children to him and said, “Let the little children come to me, and do not hinder them, for the kingdom of God belongs to such as these. I tell you the truth, anyone who will not receive the kingdom of God like a little child will never enter it.” (Luke 18 16-17). I am sure Jesus did not mean "Let all the little baptized children come to me". Thankfully, this view was disregarded. Prior to the second Vatican Council, although limbo for babies has long been used in theological teachings, has no clear foundation of revelation, no biblical reference of this place. Since then,  Pope John Paul II wrote a document that was released in 2007 entitled "The Hope of Salvation for Infants Who Die without Being Baptized" questioning the teachings of babies in limbo, and arguing against it. I am sure you wonder why it took so long for the church to address this subject. Pope John Paul II decided to address it because pregnancy and infant loss was skyrocketing do to environmental hazards, and IVF. Multiple babies increase risks, and sadly many families have felt the pain of multiple losses at once. The church wanted guidance on how to help grieving parents, so PJPII did just that.  Pope Benedict is the one who released the document during the International Theological Commission in 2007, and now will always be known as the Pope who "Closed Limbo".   You can read the whole document here.

I felt as if the priest was looking right at Foster and I through his whole sermon. He did not go into as much detail as I just did with the history, but he came to the same conclusion, that my daughter, along with all the other angel babies are in heaven. that there is no reason for us to think otherwise.

I know I mentioned my habit of looking at the songs before hand in order to prepare myself for the potential of tears during a song from Rosie's funeral. Once again, this week, one of her songs were played, "The Bread of Life". This time, it not only got to me, it got to Foster. He mentioned he didn't know why it hit him this time. I am sure it was a combination of the sermon and the song. I did cry, but I am getting used to the fact that almost every service in the past 6 months I have shed a tear for my daughter, and I am okay with it.  I was just happy and blessed that I was able to attend mass with Foster this week. I had drill this week, and unless I am released in time on Saturday evening, it is nearly impossible for me to attend church on drill weekends.

Drill was interesting this weekend. On Friday we had our first medical and administrative day (SRP) for the deployment. It was a very heavy day for me. the first 2 hours consisted of going between providers and case management personnel rehashing the loss, the c-section, and my emotional and mental state currently. When I was through the medical aspect, I was then faced with more challenges on the administrative portion. When Foster and I were married, we went to the appropriate office to have me put into the system as his wife and under his insurance (DEERS). Since we are dual status, I asked them while we were there if we needed to put him under me. They informed us that he would automatically be under me since I was under his profile. I should not have trusted them. When I got to the DEERS table to make sure that he was under me in the system, they informed me that he wasn't and that I would need his ID and birth certificate, his SS card, fingerprints, DNA, firstborn child....just kidding. I informed them of what the office had told me, and they pretty much told me the office had lied. I was angry. Angry is an understatement. the poor Cadet that was breaking the news to me was the undeserving victim to my anger. I decided Foster and I would have to come back on Monday and take care of everything. I went to the next station. The Life insurance (SGLI) station. I was changing all the information so that in the even of my death, Foster would be the recipient of my SGLI

"Good! Maybe they will actually listen to you and get something accomplished," I said. So I waited. When he arrived, he brought me some Subway for lunch so I didn't have to eat an MRE since I was CERTAIN was NOT on the WW diet. When we went back to DEERS, he handed them his military ID and Driver's License. they tried to tell him they couldn't do anything without his Birth Certificate.

"I know you did not make me come all the way in here for nothing," Foster claimed sternly.

"No, sir, I am sure there is a way around it," the Sergeant said. This is the exact reason I wanted him to come in  uniform. Before we knew it, they accessed all of his documents online off the system, transferred them under my name, and low and behold, I am officially married according to the Army, almost a year after the fact.

The weird thing, is this was officially the first time we have been in the same room in uniform together. It was so strange. I wanted to hug and kiss him when he came in the door, but it is inappropriate. I slipped a few times and called him "honey" or "sweetheart", and I am sure he didn't notice, but it is definitely not professional. Oh well, at that point, I was through being professional. It had been a rough day.

Luckily, Saturday was so much better. It was a typical drill of checking our vehicles, classes, and deployment information. This weekend I brought my new camera, and took pictures. We have a picture board in the hallway, and I noticed that a lot of the pictures contained soldiers that were no longer part of our unit, so I decided that had to change. Here are a few of the photos I took from Saturday:

 

Checking our trucks

 Getting ready to drive the trucks

 Me :-)

The geometrical building OUTSIDE of our rinky dinky building.

Goofin off.

Boys will be boys

It was really cold, and she really didn't want her pic taken. look at the evil eye she is giving me

Sunday came along, and while we were waiting for the NCOs ans Officers to get out of a meeting, first Sergeant asked me if I had brought my camera again. I left it at home, because we were having a change of command ceremony, and I figured the Army would have a photographer there to take pictures. I was mistaken. He told me to go home and get it, that I would not be standing in formation, but would be taking pictures of the Change of Command. 

Before the ceremony, I practiced with the lighting in the room. Unfortunately it is a huge building with really bad white fluorescent lighting. The walls are white, the floors are white, and VERY reflective. Luckily, I think I got some great shots. Before I show them to you, I am sure you want to know the update of me and the deployment. As right now I am still a No Go. My old commander is concerned about some right lower abdominal pain I have been having for the last few weeks. He wants my OBGYN to check it out. I can't get an appointment till January 7th, so I will be non-deployable until then. I am training as if I am going, and not going to get out of that mindset. I have learned that in the Army, you have to hope for the best and expect the worst. the best scenario would be I will go in on Jan. 7th and find out I am pregnant. I would be discharged, and not have to worry about the deployment. However, I am preparing my mind and body for the deployment, and the possibility of not coming home. Hope for the best, expect the worst, and if anything in between happens, I won't be disappointed.  

Formation prior to start of the ceremony

Outgoing Commander's Miracle grandson (story will be told sometime)

One of my favorite shots

One of my favorite shots in black and white

New Commander's first speech to our unit

Whole formation

1SG passing guide-on (flag) to outgoing Commander to represent his successful command of the company.

The new Commander passing the Guide-on back to 1SG to represent the importance 1SG's job is going to be in aiding the command of our unit.

Farewell cake and flowers for wife

Welcome cake and flowers for wife.

** Remember, all pictures are mine, and please do not take credit for them. you are more than welcome to ask to use them though:-)