"Life's Not Fair"~ Foster

As you can imagine, or at least my BLM moms who have carried a rainbow can imagine, my anxiety is starting to creep up. I have moments where it consumes me.

This morning as I was driving home from work, I started crying. My car rides home from work are usually my time to reflect, and often cry. Tears were streaming down my eyes out of anger this time. I was angry at the fact that Foster and I even have to be in a situation of such anxiety and stress.

I am in a strange place in regards to the other pregnant women around me. I feel a complete disconnect from those that are naively awaiting their little ones, those that will never know the reality of a dead baby. I am jealous.

As my pregnant friends are trying to decide how many onsies and diapers and which things to put on their registries, I am keeping all my purchases in a corner with the receipts...."just in case". The only items I have washed and put away are the ones that are non-returnable or were previously washed or purchased before Rosie passed.

They are getting anxious about the new addition to their family. They are wondering how they will juggle this little bundle of joy along with work, their other kids, finances, and how they will deal with the lack of sleep. I am just praying every night that I get to bring this child home, that I will get the opportunity to experience the sleepless nights.

Their biggest concerns right now is what type of delivery they will have, if they will go natural or have the dreaded c-section. I am just praying we make it to my c-section date!

As they are stressing over decor for the nursery, I am TRYING to get my nursery together, but at the same time, have the plot at the cemetery picked out in the event Ava will be sleeping there instead. I am hoping that my aunt, uncle and mom would agree to let her lay with my grandfather next to my grandmother so that she is next to Rosalynn. I know...I KNOW....morbid. But these are the thoughts of a Babyloss mom.

So as I drove home listening to "She Just thinks We're Fishin", I started pleading with God that Foster gets the chance to do these sorts of things with Ava. He confided in me the other morning that he is "Already falling in love with her." I don't want to let him down! I don't want to disappoint him again.

I am aware that Rosie's passing was not my fault, but it was my responsibility to keep her safe, my body's JOB to nourish and protect her, and it failed....I failed.

Realistically and statistically, I KNOW the odds of this happening again are soooooo slim, but it can happen...it DOES happen. As I sit here, Avaleen is kicking away, as if to tell me that everything will be alright; truth be told, I, along with a lot of you, have a great feeling about this little one. (And now I want to erase that sentence for fear I just jinxed myself). However, it angers me about how unfair it is that these thoughts have to even run through my head, that I even have to stress over losing another child. But as Foster said before kissing me goodbye this morning, "Life isn't fair, honey."

Bring On the Crazy....Uh, I Mean Motherly Love!

Foster seems to think I am bordering on crazy the further along in my pregnancy I got. Let me explain.....

I mentioned in my weekly update post that my doctor made the comment "Everything is looking great in this pregnancy so far. There is no reason for me to think that it will end early like the last one did." I am sure this comment was said as reassurance, but the more I think about it, the more and more I get pissed off about it.

Rosalynn looked great at 24, 26, 30, and even 34 weeks. IF there was any "signs" that pregnancy would end early, WHY DIDN"T SOMEONE GIVE ME THE HEADS UP?!?!?!? I don't want him to get complacent. I don't want him to start going back on the promises that he made at my pre-conception appointment and my very first prenatal appointment. If I had not mentioned the growth scan at 24 weeks, I am afraid that he would never have scheduled it. I am afraid he forgets the things he tells me from one appointment to the next.

For instance, my very first appointment, he asked, "So, you had a 20 week loss right?"

"Ummmm....NO....an almost 35 week loss!!!!" BIG difference. Now, to those BLMs who had 20 week losses, I am not saying it is a difference in devastation, the loss of a child is the loss of a child. What I am referring to is the subsequent pregnancies. IF I had had a 20 week loss, I am going on 22 weeks tomorrow, and I may feel like I can breathe....a little. Having a 35 week loss, I don't know if I will ever have a "safe zone". In fact, instead of my anxiety going down, I feel like it is increasing as time gets closer and closer to the 34w5d mark.

I don't expect him to be a therapist, but I do expect him to take my concerns to heart, and LISTEN to me. I feel like he almost blows off  alot of my concerns. For instance, my BP was 113/98. Now the top number (systolic) looks GREAT! However, that bottom number, the diastolic, is about 20 points higher than I run on a normal basis. His response "Blood Pressure fluctuates."

My BP was a concern for me with Rosalynn. I was never diagnosed with Pre-eclampsia, but I definitely had all the signs....increased BP, slight protein in my urine, and 3+ pitting edema on my ankles and feet, and swollen all over my body. Yet, the doctors didn't seemed to bothered by all this. I know, Dr. C may think that saying things like "BP fluctuates" will ease my mind, but it doesn't. Instead, maybe give me some tips to bring it down, maybe retake it or tell me to monitor it outside of the office (Don't worry, I have taken initiative on my own and am doing all of this....along with running my urine occasionally @ work).  Not taking things like this seriously is the first way to throw me back in time to Rosie's pregnancy.

One of the nurses told me I have to be my own advocate. That sometimes these "top doctors" get a little cocky and start getting complacent. So, I have a plan!

I have a 24 week appointment with a growth scan. I am going to ask Dr. C to WRITE down the plan of care from here on out. We are hitting viability stage.....24 weeks. I want to know when our scans will be, when the Non-Stress Tests (NST) will start,  and exactly when we plan on delivering, and WRITE THEM ALL DOWN FOR ME. That way, I have the plan of action in my hand, and if he tries to change his mind, I can show him the list and ask why he is changing courses.

I am a planner. I am terrified that he will decide he wants to wait until 36 or 38 weeks and THEN deliver, instead of the 34-35 weeks that he has promised before. I want to know, because that is a BIG difference, and Foster and I have jobs and things to take into consideration. I want to know if I have 10 weeks left as of the 24 week appt, or if I have 14 weeks left.

And IF he tries to blow off my feelings or go back on his word, I have my pictures. the pictures of my beautiful 5lb12oz baby girl that I will place in front of him and "gently" remind him that THIS is what we are trying to avoid again!

How does this sound?  Foster thinks I sound a little crazy. However, how crazy is too crazy when it comes to the health and well being of your child?!? I would have died to save my daughter Rosie, and I feel the same way about Avaleen already. I don't call it crazy, I call it motherly love!

Welcome to pregnancy after stillbirth!

What do you think? My fellow BLMs, what would you do?

8w4d~ Guilt!

I have been feeling very strange lately. Not depressed, not anxious, not alone, not any of the feeling I had after the loss of my Rosalynn. I just feel different. I was trying to figure out why I have been avoiding my blog, my support group, and even calling my friends, but couldn't put a definite reason behind these actions. Then, I was standing in a cafe waiting to have breakfast with my mom, dad, and Foster and talking to my mom. She hit the nail right on the head. She said she was feeling guilty about getting excited about this pregnancy because she almost felt like she was cheating on Rosie. That is it!! I feel guilty!

Rosalynn's 1st heavenly birthday is approaching fast. In fact, it is a meer 9 days away. I am grieving the loss of my daughter more and more as the day creeps closer and closer. However, I am pregnant again, and should be happy. I should be reveling in the hope of this new life, but I feel guilty. I don't want to get too excited, because I don't want my Rosie to think I forgot about her! I don't want her to think for one instance that he mommy is replacing her with this new baby. I have been getting signs left and right from her lately.

Around Christmas this past year, the funeral home sent us a beautiful engraved dove with her name on it. When we put our tree up 3 weeks later, we couldn't find it. We looked EVERYWHERE! IN every drawer, in the baskets that hold our mail, in the ENVELOPES in the baskets that hold our mail, on Foster's desk, EVERYWHERE. This past Friday I was looking for my military ID so I could head to Drill. I picked up the basket our mail is in, and glanced down; there it was. The ornament I had misplaced over 5 months ago was sitting RIGHT ON TOP! I called Foster and asked him where he had found the beautiful gift. He claimed he hadn't seen it since the last time I saw it. He admits now, HE BELIEVES IN SIGNS! He honestly thought it was a sign from Rosie.

Then, this Sunday at mass, the reading was about the raising of Lazurus from the dead. This particular reading really helped me in my early grief, because I really felt abandoned by God. However, in this passage is states "Jesus wept" with Martha and Mary, showing that he mourns with us. He is just as upset when we lose a loved one as we are, but it is a part of life. I teared up, because this was a reminder that I am not alone as April 20th quickly approaches, and i am reliving all of the sorrow in my head. THEN to top it off, "I am the bread of life", one of Rosie's funeral songs, were sung during communion. I left mass a total blubbering mess. I felt her all over the place! I have been feeling her all over the place! I don't know if it is her way of supporting me and helping me through this, or if it is her way of making sure I don't forget her. But I promise on everything that is near and dear to my heart, that I will NEVER forget my beautiful baby girl!

There is also fear. I am finding out left and right that there are more and more pregnant women around me. I have recently found out there are 2 more women at my work pregnant. That makes four of us all together. Anne, a few cousins, and numerous online buddies are pregnant as well. Of course I am THRILLED that I have so many people to experience this journey with, however I am scared. 2 of the SAME women at work, a few friends, and at least 3 cousins were pregnant when I was last. The one difference between them and me is that they all got to bring home their babies, and I was left burying mine, and watching all of theirs grow up around me. Seeing them at stages the Rosalynn should be at. I DON"T WANT THIS TO HAPPEN AGAIN!!!!! I DON"T WANT TO BE LEFT BEHIND AGAIN!!! Every girl I find out is pregnant with me is, in my mind, a potential baby I will have to watch grow up without mine in my arms. I know this sounds irrational, I know it is borderline crazy, but it is a reality for me, because it has happened once before. There is NO guarantee it won't happen again. I am not promised this child, I am not guaranteed to bring this baby home with me.....I can only hope and pray at this point.

Please be patient with me as I work through all of these mixed emotions. As April 20th approaches, my emotions are increasing, and it definitely does not help that I have pregnancy hormones raging through my body as well!

For those of you who have been waiting for an update on Pumpkin:

I am 8w4d. I have been having all day "morning sickness" but no vomiting, just a constant nausea that is eased slightly by the Zofran, but not completely. I have also been battling migraines. I explain it to my husband that I feel like I am hung over every day; except without the fun of binge drinking the night before. I feel bad for him, because although i do not complain NEARLY as often as I feel bad, he still has to deal with me moping around the house, sleeping ALOT, and lots and lots of bodily gasses due to my upset stomach. I had to move my next appointment to April 28th because I have a test in my Photography class on the 21st and they had scheduled me 1.5 hours before my class was to start. I was nervous that since the last appt. lasted 4 hours, that I would miss my midterm. So, the 28th it is! It is a regular appt with no ultra sound, HOWEVER, we SHOULD be able to hear the heart beat on doppler since we will be 11 weeks by then!! I am very excited about this!

I am showing already too! Unbelievable at this point, but I am a little over 8 weeks and look like I did when I was 18 weeks pregnant with Rosie!! They say your second always shows faster but my LORD!! I will post pics soon!

Thanks for the continues prayers and thoughts.

First Hurdle Cleared!! First U/S Pictures!

I prayed for this child, and the LORD has granted me what I asked of him. (1Samuel 1:27)

Well as you know, the much anticipated ultrasound appointment was today. To say I was nervous was an understatement. It is tragic what a loss does to you. Last time I was walking in for a first trimester U/S, I had no fear. The thought of a molar pregnancy, a blighted ovum, or no hear beat neaver crossed my mind. I fully expected to walk in and see my little one moving aroung with a strong heartbeat. Not this time!

This time I was awake until 2 AM watching episodes of "Bones" and "House" in order to keep my mind occupied. I tossed and turned and prayed the rosary four times. I'm sure it didn't help that Foster was out of town, and the only company I had was my two furbabies, but I could not settle my thoughts. In times like this, knowing too much information can be a detriment.

Since Foster was out of town, I aked my sister to accompany me to my appointment. She is a NICU nurse, and I figured she could make sure to aske the questions I might have forgotten. She met me there at 1:30 and we headed up to registration. My stomach was in knots, and I felt like I was going to vomit the entire morning. We sat.....and sat.....and SAT! My MFM office needs to learn that making a nervous mamma wait is not the best thing to do. I paced and fidgetted and talked WAY too much. My poor sister was probably ready to tie me down to the chair and tape my mouth shut! The aide took me back to check my weight and BP, and suprisingly, my BP was 118/64!! I figured it would be sky high from all my anxiety. Then after an hour of waiting, they finally called me back to the u/s room.

I undressed from the waist down, and hopped up onto the table. It was a little nerve racking, because the last baby u/s I had was the one that told me my daughter's heart had stopped. Granted, it wasn't in this office, but I was a bundle of nerves.

The tech got the internal probe ready, and as she proceded to start the u/s, we immediately saw a gestational sac. As she moved a little further in, the fetal pole was visible. When the fetal pole became visible, there was the most beautiful sight an expectant mother could see, the flutter of the baby's heart! Bug's hand tightened around my hand which she had been holding since the beginning of the exam, and we both had tears well up in our eyes. Our smiles spread from ear to ear, "There it is!" I exclaimed.

"Nice and strong, and beating away," the tech said. "I am so happy, because I was nervous with as early as you are, the heart beat would be intetectable," She made a few measurments, "143 beats per minute. That is wonderful! You are measuring 2 days behind you estimated gestational age, so that makes me even more suprised we were able to see a heart beat. Hold on one minute," she said. She explained I was measuring 6w5d as opposed to 7w as she moved the wand and isolated the heart, "Hold REAL still and quite," she said. Then as we all held our breaths, we heard it, "WHOOSH WHOOSH WHOOSH" the little heart beat!! It was too soft for me to pick up on my phone recorder, but it was fast and strong. I could not contain my excitement. I asked the poor tech a million and one questions, one I KNEW she couldn't answer, but instead we had to wait for the doctor's answers. She printed me up seven copies of me little pumpkin, ended the exam, and escorted us to the doctor's office.

Dr. C was amazing. I was a little annoyed, because I had to remind him I had a 34w4d loss, and not a 20w loss. I don't know where he got that number, but I will give him some slack, I know they just started a new computer system, and it has been over 8 months since he has seen me last. He confidently mentioned about taking the baby early. When I mean early, I don't mean 38 weeks, I don't mean 36 weeks; he said he would feel confident pumping me full of steroids at 33 weeks, and taking the baby at 34w3d, "Our biggest concern is getting that baby out of that environment safely. "We're not going to go crazy and take the baby at 28 weeks, but as big as Rosalynn was at 34w4d (5lbs12oz) I am confident everyting would be just fine. We are concerned about your anxiety. You may feel okay now, but as 34 weeks gets closer, PTSD can set in." Although they are keeping my

If he is comfortable about this, I am comfortable with this. I debated awiting and seeing if I could take the baby closer to term, but God forbid I decide to try for 37 weeks, and something happens at 36! I would never be able to forgive myself. My sister says that they rarely see an issue with 34 weekers, and often see them go right back to their moms after a thourough check from the NICU.

All in all, the appointment went well. I did forget to ask a few questions, like am I on any restrictions thus far, but I will call the nurse in the morning to double check with him. I still plan on taking it easy, but I have a new pregnancy work out video I was looking forward to trying out after the doctor's approval.

Here is our very first picture of Pumpkin! I LOVE how this baby is already cooperation with mommy. He/she really knows how to make me happy!

Pumpkin's first picture!!

My mom says Pumpkin looks like a Gl.ow.wor.m. For those of you who aren't old enough to remember Gl.ow.wor.ms, this is what they look like:

BIG head on top, LITTLE SKINNY body! I can see it:-)

Time Goes By So Slowly......NOT!!!!

Time has gotten away from me. It seems to be going by like a speeding freight train and I can't slow it down. I feel like the more I try and enjoy the moment, the faster it goes. Yesterday was eight months since my precious Rosalynn went back up to heaven to be with God. Where has the time gone? I am sure I would be saying this if she was here also because at this point she would be sitting up, crawling, and trying to form words by mimicking mommy and daddy. If she was anything like me, she would probably already be talking in full sentences! There are days that I feel like April was a lifetime ago, and then other days where I can still feel her in my belly. I get that gut-wrenching clench around my heart, and tears well in my eyes because I still can't believe this happened to us!

One more month has gone by of trying and failing to produce Rosie a sibling. I am a little bummed, even tough I tried to tell myself I wouldn't get my hopes up, I actually had a great feeling about this month. Oh well, as people always say, "When you least expect it it will happen. Just stop thinking about it." This is like telling someone who is drowning to stop thinking about oxygen, when everything inside of them wants nothing more than to take a deep breath. I try to relax, I try to take my mind off of it by staying incredibly busy, but no matter how busy I am, no matter how many massages I get or yoga I do, it still consumes me. I don't think it helps that as Rosie's passing gets further away, the deployment gets closer and closer. I have to admit, my thoughts have been taking a positive spin for my vacation to Afghanistan. I am a medic. I was supposed to be discharged for pregnancy, but due to paper work not being filed in time, I was still in and hence my discharge was canceled when I lost my daughter. Now, I won't get into all the details here, because there are a lot of things that could have been done to honor my discharge, but for one reason or another were not.
My new theory that I am trying to focus on instead of the awful negative thoughts that ran through my head in THIS post, is this:

"If Rosalynn had survived, I would have been out of the Army and hence I would not be going on this deployment. What if I am supposed to go on this deployment because I end up saving someone that I would not have been able to if I wasn't there. What if my daughter had to pass so that I would be there to help someone's husband, father, mother, daughter, etc. survive?"

Now, I know that there will be other medics there, and there would probably be someone else there that could save the person if I wasn't, BUT who knows. Maybe? This is how I am trying to think more positively. I hope no one gets hurt, but if they do, I hope I am there to help.

Onto more fun things! On the Seventh day of Christmas Foster gave to me:

Seven Quarters of college~ He didn't "give" them to me per say, but I have been in school for 7 quarters since we met 3 years ago. 2 of them I had to drop early, one because of Rosie, and the other before I joined the Army. So technically is is only 5 quarters, but for the sake of this "song", I will say 7. By the way, next quarter will be my 8th and FINAL!!!!!

On the Eighth Day of Christmas Foster gave to me:

8 year long contract~ with the Army that is. I had talked to him early in our relationship that I was thinking of joining the Air Force full time. He convinced me into Army National Guard. Now I have 6 active and 2 years inactive years to experience Army life.

SOOOOOOOOO
On the Eighth day of Christmas Foster gave to me:

An Eight year long contract
Seven quarters of college
Six Crazy in-laws
FIIIIVVVVEEEEE BEEEEDDDROOOOOMMMMM HOOOOOMMMMEEEEE
Four poster bed
Three nieces, one nephew
Two spunky puppies
And One beautiful daughter in heaven!!!

Only four more days to go!!!!! Hope everyone is enjoying the Christmas season so far.

Strike Four....Your OUT!!!!!

I have been having so many interesting things in my life happen, that I honestly don't know what to choose to post about today. I hope I have more time this week to catch you all up on everything!

Foster and I have been spending some much need time together this weekend. We have been in the same vicinity of each other for the last three days, and it has been great.

I started my weekend out with my very first counseling session. I THOUGHT it would be a good kickoff to the weekend, because I figured it would put me in a good mood and clear my head. Boy was I wrong!! I walked in to a 60+ year old woman. She seemed a little stern, and not very comforting like you would imagine a grandmother-aged woman to be. As I sat down, she started asking me the typical questions, "What brought you in? Why now 6 months later?, etc" It seemed a little strained. For one, I did not feel like we could really connect, because we were decades apart in age, and there was really nothing we would find in common. Also, she comes from a generation that treated baby loss a whole different way. Most of the 50+ women I know who have lost a child, never got to hold, see or even know what gender their baby was.

I mentioned to her that I was having anxieties and thoughts that I knew were not normal. I had very dark thoughts when the subject of my deployment came up, I can't sleep when my husband is gone, and I have feelings of urgency to get pregnant for multiple reasons. One of these reasons is my mom. I know she does not worry about her own health, but I constantly do. She has not seen a doctor since my sister was born 25 years ago! She smokes and is over weight. She knows this, is aware of it, but still does not want to go to a doctor for them to just tell her she needs to quit smoking and lose weight. Now, to give her credit, she is a very hard worker, and is always active. She works all over the farm without stopping. She constantly reminds Bug and I that she could probably out do us any day of the week. This is very true, but I still fear for her, and along with this fear is the want to give her another grandchild before something bad happens.

First strike against this counselor is in the first fifteen minutes of our meeting she suggested medication. I immediately told her NO. Not only do I NOT want to be a zombie, but I am also currently trying to get pregnant, and I do not want it to affect my fertility or the next baby. Most anti-anxiety medication are dangerous to a fetus. Plus, I am not disabled by my anxiety therefore no medications are required.

I gave her an example of what makes me nervous. I get a little social anxiety when I am in large groups of people who do not know what has happened. Inevitably, when you are 29 and married, one of the first questions is "Do you have any children?" Well, we all know the answer to this is, "Yes, but she lives in heaven." However, if I follow up the question with this answer to a complete stranger, there is the uncomfortable silence, the pity filled facial expression, and the "I am so sorry," that follows. I always feel as if I am the one consoling them by the end of the conversation. This was her response:

"Well, you should answer 'No', because you are not a mother."

EXCUSE ME?!!!???!! Even my husband said he knows better than to tell a baby loss mother that they are not a mother. "Yes, I am a mother. I birthed her, held her, and still love her with every being of my soul!" I exclaimed.

"Technically you are not though, because you do not parent her here on earth."

"Would you tell a mother who lost their only child at 5 years old that they are not a mother?" I asked.

"No, but she was a mother."

"So was I. I agree that I am not a parent, because being a parent would mean I would have to have a child to 'parent', but I am still a mother!" I could not believe what was coming out of her mouth. I wanted to smack her.

Obviously strike two was this lovely exchange of words.

Strike three was when she disregarded anything I had to say about my faith. I mentioned my thoughts on my "feelings" prior to the loss and how I thought it might have been God's way of emotionally preparing me. She brushed it off and said that she believed it was just woman's intuition. I tried to tell her multiple times that faith is what has kept me strong so far, and she brushed it off as if I was using faith as a crutch. I wanted to scratch her eyes out by this point.

Strike four is when she was putting words in my mouth. I expressed my anger towards the Nat. Guard for not filing my paper work when it should have been done.  If it had been taken care of, I would not be stressing over the upcoming deployment, because I would not be in the Army anymore, and would not be going on the deployment. She turned all of my words around and said that she felt that I was angry at the Nat. Guard because I blamed them for my loss. Is that what I said? I don't think so! Now I was envisioning beating her head in with a stick.

As if this was not enough, she asked, "Since you won't let me put you on drugs, how do you expect to deal with these problems?" This was the third suggestion at medication, and I was getting a little annoyed.

"Ummmm.....isn't that why I am coming to you? Aren't you supposed to help me talk through them, and come up with other ways to deal with my issues?"

"I guess," she replied, "But do you think talking to me is really going to help?"

Well, I guess not.

I came out of that appointment fuming. I called Foster and unleashed, and then immediately called Military Onesource and requested a change in provider. They listened to my complaints, and quickly got me an appointment with another psychologist. Unfortunately, this one lives 30 minutes away, but hopefully she will be a little more compassionate.

Needless to say, my first experience with counseling has not been a good one, but I still have hope.

For you BLMs, how many counselors did you have to go through until you found a right match?

Has anyone else had such a bad experience with counseling?