Phots, Photos, and More Photos...oh, and an Update.

I mentioned that I had had my first lesson with my wedding photographer. It went well. He gave me a 2 hour run down of all the basic settings on the camera. He taught me about apertures and shutter speed and lighting with and without flash. I can now change the settings because I know what they mean! However, I am FAR from learning everything about this camera!

Foster had a ruby game to ref in Dayton again this past weekend. He informed me that we would be in a very nice park, and would give me the perfect opportunity to shoot some landscape. The great thing about landscape, is you can practice practice practice. The scene never changes, and the lighting changes so slowly, that you can take hundreds of pictures until you get the right one. You can also experiment with the different settings. So while he worked, I played. Here are a few of the unedited pictures I took: (Hint: if you want to see the pics without the opaque background, click on them, and they will pop up in a separate window) By the way each of these photos are mine, and I will be adding watermarks when I figure out my new photo shop. PLEASE do not steal them and pass them off as your own. Thank you!

 

I Love the tree! The colors were AMAZING!!! It was the only orange tree surrounded by green and dead trees.  This is what happened when I adjusted the ISO setting....kind of cool! Seems a little over exposed, but I thought it was fun to see the differences with the settings.

My next picture was the very first one I took at the park. I LOVE it!!! it is such a pretty setting! The colors are so crisp:

Last, this picture was cool, because after taking it, I had the hardest time figuring out which side was up and which was down!!! yes, it was on purpose, but i didn't expect it to come out this nicely. You tell me which way is up:-)

Now, of COURSE, I took my camera with me to hang out with my friends Saturday night. Foster and Ky and Mr JJ got ahold of the camera and had a little too much fun! WOW! Foster's butt looks a little juicy in this photo!

 

And Welcome the new addition to the family! Mr.JJ is 7 months pregnant!!! 

 

Then we started trying to take a good photo for a Chirstmas Card this year. We probably should have coordinated outfits or something because we all look a little hodge-podge, but this is my little family, and I love each and every one of them!

Right before our little private party, Foster decided he couldn't wait a second longer to give me my other birthday gift even though it's not until the 17th of Nov. See the jersey in the picture? That was my new gift. Now, to most, it seems like a pretty generic gift for a Buckeye fan, but upon further examination, the back has MY last name on the back, and the 12 has significant meaning. Foster and I got married on 12/12/09 so hence the number 12. Honestly, Foster floors me sometimes. Once I think there is no way for him to be more thoughtful and creative, he outdoes himself yet again. Have I mentioned what a blessed girl I am and how much I love him? He amazes me, and I wake up every morning wondering what I did to deserve him and be loved so intensely in return.

Too often, when grief has overwhelmed us, we forget about the blessings we have. Sometimes I am too quick to ask what I did wrong in my life to be punished with the loss of a child, but then I look at my husband and wonder what I did so right to deserve him. That is when it occurs to me that I am not being punished, it is just life, and sometimes bad things happen to good people.

This was one of my discussions with my new therapist. I had my first session last night. From the moment I walked in the door, her warmth and smile made me feel at ease. She is around my age and she is a mother and a wife. When I walked into her office, I noticed a wall full of degrees and certificates. One of them was a trauma training, which upon further explanation, she said she trained for assistance with the military. She is not IN, but she took a class to train her on ways to assist in PTSD associated with trauma. My situation falls under a few different categories. There is the grief, and then there is the PTSD associated with it. Where certain triggers will set off anxiety when certain feelings and moods are brought to the surface. She said that there may be a way to use the techniques she was taught in order to prevent the anxiety, although the grief will have to be addressed in other ways. I felt so much better coming out of her office than I did the last lady. I made another appointment and I am excited to work with her and see where this goes. I will keep you updated. Until next time, here is one more photo of my adorable pup. Rowdy as a pumpkin:

Strike Four....Your OUT!!!!!

I have been having so many interesting things in my life happen, that I honestly don't know what to choose to post about today. I hope I have more time this week to catch you all up on everything!

Foster and I have been spending some much need time together this weekend. We have been in the same vicinity of each other for the last three days, and it has been great.

I started my weekend out with my very first counseling session. I THOUGHT it would be a good kickoff to the weekend, because I figured it would put me in a good mood and clear my head. Boy was I wrong!! I walked in to a 60+ year old woman. She seemed a little stern, and not very comforting like you would imagine a grandmother-aged woman to be. As I sat down, she started asking me the typical questions, "What brought you in? Why now 6 months later?, etc" It seemed a little strained. For one, I did not feel like we could really connect, because we were decades apart in age, and there was really nothing we would find in common. Also, she comes from a generation that treated baby loss a whole different way. Most of the 50+ women I know who have lost a child, never got to hold, see or even know what gender their baby was.

I mentioned to her that I was having anxieties and thoughts that I knew were not normal. I had very dark thoughts when the subject of my deployment came up, I can't sleep when my husband is gone, and I have feelings of urgency to get pregnant for multiple reasons. One of these reasons is my mom. I know she does not worry about her own health, but I constantly do. She has not seen a doctor since my sister was born 25 years ago! She smokes and is over weight. She knows this, is aware of it, but still does not want to go to a doctor for them to just tell her she needs to quit smoking and lose weight. Now, to give her credit, she is a very hard worker, and is always active. She works all over the farm without stopping. She constantly reminds Bug and I that she could probably out do us any day of the week. This is very true, but I still fear for her, and along with this fear is the want to give her another grandchild before something bad happens.

First strike against this counselor is in the first fifteen minutes of our meeting she suggested medication. I immediately told her NO. Not only do I NOT want to be a zombie, but I am also currently trying to get pregnant, and I do not want it to affect my fertility or the next baby. Most anti-anxiety medication are dangerous to a fetus. Plus, I am not disabled by my anxiety therefore no medications are required.

I gave her an example of what makes me nervous. I get a little social anxiety when I am in large groups of people who do not know what has happened. Inevitably, when you are 29 and married, one of the first questions is "Do you have any children?" Well, we all know the answer to this is, "Yes, but she lives in heaven." However, if I follow up the question with this answer to a complete stranger, there is the uncomfortable silence, the pity filled facial expression, and the "I am so sorry," that follows. I always feel as if I am the one consoling them by the end of the conversation. This was her response:

"Well, you should answer 'No', because you are not a mother."

EXCUSE ME?!!!???!! Even my husband said he knows better than to tell a baby loss mother that they are not a mother. "Yes, I am a mother. I birthed her, held her, and still love her with every being of my soul!" I exclaimed.

"Technically you are not though, because you do not parent her here on earth."

"Would you tell a mother who lost their only child at 5 years old that they are not a mother?" I asked.

"No, but she was a mother."

"So was I. I agree that I am not a parent, because being a parent would mean I would have to have a child to 'parent', but I am still a mother!" I could not believe what was coming out of her mouth. I wanted to smack her.

Obviously strike two was this lovely exchange of words.

Strike three was when she disregarded anything I had to say about my faith. I mentioned my thoughts on my "feelings" prior to the loss and how I thought it might have been God's way of emotionally preparing me. She brushed it off and said that she believed it was just woman's intuition. I tried to tell her multiple times that faith is what has kept me strong so far, and she brushed it off as if I was using faith as a crutch. I wanted to scratch her eyes out by this point.

Strike four is when she was putting words in my mouth. I expressed my anger towards the Nat. Guard for not filing my paper work when it should have been done.  If it had been taken care of, I would not be stressing over the upcoming deployment, because I would not be in the Army anymore, and would not be going on the deployment. She turned all of my words around and said that she felt that I was angry at the Nat. Guard because I blamed them for my loss. Is that what I said? I don't think so! Now I was envisioning beating her head in with a stick.

As if this was not enough, she asked, "Since you won't let me put you on drugs, how do you expect to deal with these problems?" This was the third suggestion at medication, and I was getting a little annoyed.

"Ummmm.....isn't that why I am coming to you? Aren't you supposed to help me talk through them, and come up with other ways to deal with my issues?"

"I guess," she replied, "But do you think talking to me is really going to help?"

Well, I guess not.

I came out of that appointment fuming. I called Foster and unleashed, and then immediately called Military Onesource and requested a change in provider. They listened to my complaints, and quickly got me an appointment with another psychologist. Unfortunately, this one lives 30 minutes away, but hopefully she will be a little more compassionate.

Needless to say, my first experience with counseling has not been a good one, but I still have hope.

For you BLMs, how many counselors did you have to go through until you found a right match?

Has anyone else had such a bad experience with counseling?

Prayers Needed Everywhere

I did it, I finally called a counselor. After my reaction to the upcoming deployment, and after I had a meltdown at 1AM on Monday night, I decided I needed to call a counselor. I HATE to admit it. I HATE to say that I can't handle this grief, however the counseling is on the Army's dime, so why they heck not take advantage of it. If it helps, great! If it doesn't, I didn't waste anything other than an hour of my time a week.

It's weird, I was explaining to Foster that I almost feel worse now than I did 3-4 months ago. I have been talking to a lot of my fellow BLMs, and the one who lost their angels around the same time I did are having the same feelings. When I discussed this during my initial phone consultation this afternoon, the comforting voice on the other end told me this was completely normal. So many people expect grief to be like a sloping line, gradually getting better with time. In actuality, it is more like a spiral that slowly gets bigger. You pass the start point from time to time and the grief pops up almost as hard as it did at the beginning, however, as the spiral gets further out, the moments get further and further apart, and less and less crippling when they do pop up. She also explained that the most common time for this phenomenon happening is approximately 5-6 months out from the loss. I am glad this is part of the normal grief process.

Back to Monday night. I was finishing up my homework and started watching TV just around midnight. I felt alone all of the sudden. Foster was gone on an training mission, and the house was quiet. That is when it hit me that it shouldn't be like this. I should have a little girl to keep me company. I lost it. I was sobbing and had no distractions other than two very concerned puppies. They both laid their chins on my leg and lovingly looked at me with concern in their eyes. I attempted to call my sister, but I was pretty sure she was working. I was right. I did the only thing I could figure to do, I put a message on facebook in hopes that someone would still be awake: "Having a bad night and can't sleep". I wanted a distraction. I wanted someone to talk to get my mind off things or let me just cry. I know there have been many people tell me I can call them at any time, but 1 AM is pushing it!

Lo and behold I received a message from an old friend. She used to work with me in the ER until her husband joined the military, and now they are in Kansas. She wasn't sleeping either. She was in a hospital room, alone, as if in a prison cell. She is currently in isolation from receiving an oral radiation treatment for treating thyroid cancer. She can't be around her kids or husband for 8 days because she will still be radioactive. She called me after a few messages on facebook, and we proceeded to have a pity party for ourselves. By the end we were laughing and we both felt better. It was a very healing conversation, and just what I needed to snap me out of my funk.
I went up to bed and quickly fell asleep.

Bright and early I got a call from my sister. She had seen the missed call and was concerned since it was such a late call. When I answered I was not going to tell her about my night, but she could tell there had been something wrong, so she pushed until I finally caved. "I had a bad night," I replied.

"I did too," Bug said.

"Why?" I asked.

"Do you remember the pregnant girl I work with I told you about?"

Of course I did. I remember every person who is pregnant, because there is that slight jealousy that comes with it. I want to be in their shoes, "Yes," I started to get a little nervous, because her voice sounded sad.

"She lost her baby girl. She was going to be induced on Monday, noticed there was a decrease in movement on Friday, went in to be checked and there was no heartbeat."

My heart stopped. I was heartbroken. Another angel taken too soon, and my poor sister was close to this woman too. Then I started getting more upset, because unfortunately the policy is not changed at our work yet, and will not be changed until July. This is another woman that will only get 2 weeks off to deal with her grief, and I felt like I failed, because the point of me changing the policy was to help women like her. I was hoping there would never be another in our system, but there is, and so soon after me. I hope that she has some sick leave and vacation saved up that she will be able to take a little extra time if she feels she needs it. I am devastated for her. She is in for a rough road and I wish there was a way I could take away her pain. Right now, however, I need to focus on my healing, and hope that my first session goes well next week. Wish me luck, please please pray for my friend that her cancer reacts to this treatment, and of course keep my sister's friend in your thoughts and prayers.