My Family!!

My Family!!

Thursday, October 14, 2010

Prayers Needed Everywhere

I did it, I finally called a counselor. After my reaction to the upcoming deployment, and after I had a meltdown at 1AM on Monday night, I decided I needed to call a counselor. I HATE to admit it. I HATE to say that I can't handle this grief, however the counseling is on the Army's dime, so why they heck not take advantage of it. If it helps, great! If it doesn't, I didn't waste anything other than an hour of my time a week.

It's weird, I was explaining to Foster that I almost feel worse now than I did 3-4 months ago. I have been talking to a lot of my fellow BLMs, and the one who lost their angels around the same time I did are having the same feelings. When I discussed this during my initial phone consultation this afternoon, the comforting voice on the other end told me this was completely normal. So many people expect grief to be like a sloping line, gradually getting better with time. In actuality, it is more like a spiral that slowly gets bigger. You pass the start point from time to time and the grief pops up almost as hard as it did at the beginning, however, as the spiral gets further out, the moments get further and further apart, and less and less crippling when they do pop up. She also explained that the most common time for this phenomenon happening is approximately 5-6 months out from the loss. I am glad this is part of the normal grief process.

Back to Monday night. I was finishing up my homework and started watching TV just around midnight. I felt alone all of the sudden. Foster was gone on an training mission, and the house was quiet. That is when it hit me that it shouldn't be like this. I should have a little girl to keep me company. I lost it. I was sobbing and had no distractions other than two very concerned puppies. They both laid their chins on my leg and lovingly looked at me with concern in their eyes. I attempted to call my sister, but I was pretty sure she was working. I was right. I did the only thing I could figure to do, I put a message on facebook in hopes that someone would still be awake: "Having a bad night and can't sleep". I wanted a distraction. I wanted someone to talk to get my mind off things or let me just cry. I know there have been many people tell me I can call them at any time, but 1 AM is pushing it!

Lo and behold I received a message from an old friend. She used to work with me in the ER until her husband joined the military, and now they are in Kansas. She wasn't sleeping either. She was in a hospital room, alone, as if in a prison cell. She is currently in isolation from receiving an oral radiation treatment for treating thyroid cancer. She can't be around her kids or husband for 8 days because she will still be radioactive. She called me after a few messages on facebook, and we proceeded to have a pity party for ourselves. By the end we were laughing and we both felt better. It was a very healing conversation, and just what I needed to snap me out of my funk.
I went up to bed and quickly fell asleep.

Bright and early I got a call from my sister. She had seen the missed call and was concerned since it was such a late call. When I answered I was not going to tell her about my night, but she could tell there had been something wrong, so she pushed until I finally caved. "I had a bad night," I replied.

"I did too," Bug said.

"Why?" I asked.

"Do you remember the pregnant girl I work with I told you about?"

Of course I did. I remember every person who is pregnant, because there is that slight jealousy that comes with it. I want to be in their shoes, "Yes," I started to get a little nervous, because her voice sounded sad.

"She lost her baby girl. She was going to be induced on Monday, noticed there was a decrease in movement on Friday, went in to be checked and there was no heartbeat."

My heart stopped. I was heartbroken. Another angel taken too soon, and my poor sister was close to this woman too. Then I started getting more upset, because unfortunately the policy is not changed at our work yet, and will not be changed until July. This is another woman that will only get 2 weeks off to deal with her grief, and I felt like I failed, because the point of me changing the policy was to help women like her. I was hoping there would never be another in our system, but there is, and so soon after me. I hope that she has some sick leave and vacation saved up that she will be able to take a little extra time if she feels she needs it. I am devastated for her. She is in for a rough road and I wish there was a way I could take away her pain. Right now, however, I need to focus on my healing, and hope that my first session goes well next week. Wish me luck, please please pray for my friend that her cancer reacts to this treatment, and of course keep my sister's friend in your thoughts and prayers.


H.C. Bishop said...

I just started going to a therapist and I love love love it so far. I'm not pre-deployment, just post-infertility and trying to deal with having to live childfree.

But I love my Doc, and the meds are wonderful too!

~Amy said...

I will pray it helps. Do not be ashamed of asking for help. I do hope it helps. And I hope more will see this and reach out whether it be difficulty with getting word of deployment, loss of a baby, whatever your situation, there IS help out there.
I just pray more people would be able to reach out and find that help instead of staying inside themselves.

Lori said...

We started counseling two weeks after Matthew died. It's done a lot of good for both of us--if for nothing else but to have a safe, open forum to keep communication between me and John on the up and up. Truthfully, at first, I thought it was a waste because there wasn't really anything that neon was going to say that would make me feel better, including, "It's ok to grieve," (because for Pete's SAKE! OF COURSE it's ok...I had JUST lost my son!) but it seemed to make a difference for John--who, as a Marine, is not so familiar with going and sharing feelings.

I'm glad you are going, though, and I wouldn't feel one bit bad about saying you can't handle the grief. I recently saw somewhere (and LOVED) someone had written that the old adage of "God doesn't give us what we can't handle," is malarky. OFTEN we get what WE as humans simply can't handle--and it's in those times that we don't have to because that's what God does for us. He handles it for us. He helps us handle it through support of friends and family and resources and yes, even medicines. We were NOT created to be completely self-sufficient. We were created for the glory of be parented by Him and that includes acknowledging we can't do it all by ourselves.

There's no, no, NO shame in that.

Sending you love...I'm so sorry to hear about that other woman and her little one. It never, ever, ever fails to just take my breath away and make my heart feel stabbed. I'll keep them in my prayers.

stacie-marie said...

i have never offered this but to you I want to.. if you want use the lil facebookbadge on the side of my blog and friend me.. I am 6-9 hrs ahead of you depending on where you are and do to a husband being deployed whenever you message me or wrte on my wall my phone and my computer hooked up to really loud speakers will notify me.. I will say I have never suffered a stillbirth but I have lost 2 babies so I may not be of much help but I can be of some

LTarmywife said...

I can't ever imagine the pain you feel. I won't even pretend that I do. I'm so proud that you've called someone for counseling. It's nothing be ashamed of and it certainly doesn't mean you're crazy! I was in counseling for a year after losing two very close friends (one drowned and one was killed in a car accident. They were 14). It was tough for me and I went to counseling about four months afterward. You won't notice a difference right away and you might cry every meeting, but it will help. Good luck and keep us updated.

MooAtU2 said...

Hey, I see you left a comment on my blog, and popped on over to check out yours. Good luck with the new camera! I use a Cannon currently, so if I upgrade to a DSLR, I might just stick with that, but I think both Nikon and Cannon are good brands. I'm so jealous you get free classes!

Also, sorry about your loss. I'm glad you found an outlet through blogging. My mom, aunts, and grandma have shared the same loss as you, and it wasn't until many years later they were able to share their story. I think it's therapeutic and quite brave to share your story.

Holly said...

I'd def take advantage of the counseling since you don't' have to pay for it. I hope it can help you. I didn't go thru any counseling for Carleigh but I went thru post-abortive counseling and it helped me a lot. I think I was able to take from that counseling to help with Carleigh.

6 months was a hard time for me. I felt far from God and my grief seemed deep. It did get better. And grief is def up and down and you just never know when and how it will go.

I'm so sorry to hear about your sister's friend. :(

Mr. Superman & Mrs. S. said...

Oh sweetheart I think its phenomenal you recognized you needed help and took the initiative.

Its something I've been avoiding for over a year now. Since Cody's gone, everything is getting worse so I may follow in your footsteps.

Prayers and love!

LaDonna Rae said...

FOund you through Weekly RoundUP

MrsMike said...

I lost a little one 4 years ago. Actually, today (the 15th) is National Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness Day... so I have been thinking about that loss a lot today.
Two years after the loss I "buried" her, I didn't have remains either, and actually most of my family doesnt even know (we were unwed at the time so they probably never will know because their judgment will override their compassion, unfortunately). My husband and I on the 2 year anniversary (and right before the birth of our second child) got rid of everything we had held on to of her... pregnancy tests (yuck thats some old pee), hospital paperwork, hospital bracelets, ect. Keeping them wasnt doing us anything good, it was just filling up a drawer that we would look at with pain and hurt. So we released her. It was hard, there were tears... but it was the best decision I made regarding that loss. Her memory will never go away, and I can now look back at her memory with just love, not emptiness and loneliness.
And having another baby didn't make the feelings any differently, never let someone tell you that it gets easier or better because you have another. Instead you now have a "little brother or sister" without their big brother or sister.
The pain goes away on its own and on its own time, and at the right time. Just keep the love.
Good for you on seeking counseling! Never be ashamed to ask for help.

"I'll love you forever,
I'll like you for always.
As long as I'm living,
My baby you'll be."


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