I did it, I finally called a counselor. After my reaction to the upcoming deployment, and after I had a meltdown at 1AM on Monday night, I decided I needed to call a counselor. I HATE to admit it. I HATE to say that I can't handle this grief, however the counseling is on the Army's dime, so why they heck not take advantage of it. If it helps, great! If it doesn't, I didn't waste anything other than an hour of my time a week.
It's weird, I was explaining to Foster that I almost feel worse now than I did 3-4 months ago. I have been talking to a lot of my fellow BLMs, and the one who lost their angels around the same time I did are having the same feelings. When I discussed this during my initial phone consultation this afternoon, the comforting voice on the other end told me this was completely normal. So many people expect grief to be like a sloping line, gradually getting better with time. In actuality, it is more like a spiral that slowly gets bigger. You pass the start point from time to time and the grief pops up almost as hard as it did at the beginning, however, as the spiral gets further out, the moments get further and further apart, and less and less crippling when they do pop up. She also explained that the most common time for this phenomenon happening is approximately 5-6 months out from the loss. I am glad this is part of the normal grief process.
Back to Monday night. I was finishing up my homework and started watching TV just around midnight. I felt alone all of the sudden. Foster was gone on an training mission, and the house was quiet. That is when it hit me that it shouldn't be like this. I should have a little girl to keep me company. I lost it. I was sobbing and had no distractions other than two very concerned puppies. They both laid their chins on my leg and lovingly looked at me with concern in their eyes. I attempted to call my sister, but I was pretty sure she was working. I was right. I did the only thing I could figure to do, I put a message on facebook in hopes that someone would still be awake: "Having a bad night and can't sleep". I wanted a distraction. I wanted someone to talk to get my mind off things or let me just cry. I know there have been many people tell me I can call them at any time, but 1 AM is pushing it!
Lo and behold I received a message from an old friend. She used to work with me in the ER until her husband joined the military, and now they are in Kansas. She wasn't sleeping either. She was in a hospital room, alone, as if in a prison cell. She is currently in isolation from receiving an oral radiation treatment for treating thyroid cancer. She can't be around her kids or husband for 8 days because she will still be radioactive. She called me after a few messages on facebook, and we proceeded to have a pity party for ourselves. By the end we were laughing and we both felt better. It was a very healing conversation, and just what I needed to snap me out of my funk.
I went up to bed and quickly fell asleep.
Bright and early I got a call from my sister. She had seen the missed call and was concerned since it was such a late call. When I answered I was not going to tell her about my night, but she could tell there had been something wrong, so she pushed until I finally caved. "I had a bad night," I replied.
"I did too," Bug said.
"Why?" I asked.
"Do you remember the pregnant girl I work with I told you about?"
Of course I did. I remember every person who is pregnant, because there is that slight jealousy that comes with it. I want to be in their shoes, "Yes," I started to get a little nervous, because her voice sounded sad.
"She lost her baby girl. She was going to be induced on Monday, noticed there was a decrease in movement on Friday, went in to be checked and there was no heartbeat."
My heart stopped. I was heartbroken. Another angel taken too soon, and my poor sister was close to this woman too. Then I started getting more upset, because unfortunately the policy is not changed at our work yet, and will not be changed until July. This is another woman that will only get 2 weeks off to deal with her grief, and I felt like I failed, because the point of me changing the policy was to help women like her. I was hoping there would never be another in our system, but there is, and so soon after me. I hope that she has some sick leave and vacation saved up that she will be able to take a little extra time if she feels she needs it. I am devastated for her. She is in for a rough road and I wish there was a way I could take away her pain. Right now, however, I need to focus on my healing, and hope that my first session goes well next week. Wish me luck, please please pray for my friend that her cancer reacts to this treatment, and of course keep my sister's friend in your thoughts and prayers.
