Today marked 12 yrs.
12 yrs since the trajectory of my life took a sudden turn....my plans, my dreams, my goals were flipped upside down.
If you are friends with me on FB, you would have seen that I posted a short blurb about today. It was because I had to sit with my feelings and figure out how to get them down on paper. FB did not seem like the place to write about those feelings.
Leading up to today, I thought I would be emotionally and physically ready for today. You see, I had to work today. Being a L&D nurse on the unit she was born, I am regularly around "her spaces". The triage room we found out she passed, the operating room she was delivered in, the room she was baptized in, the room I spent 4 days in AP holding her and spending time with her. BUT I had yet to work on her day. This year is the first time in 12 yrs I would have to work and not dedicate an entire day to my first born. I also had to work the night of the 19th. Which means my morning and afternoon would be spent sleeping on the 20th. I contacted all the family and told them the celebration would still happen at the cemetery, but it would be short and sweet since I had to leave for work. I ordered mini bunt cakes from Nothing Bundt Cakes, and even bought the bundtinis for the hospital staff for the night of the 20th.
I was ready. Physically and emotionally to spend Rosie's birthday on the Labor and Delivery floor that she was born on.
What I was not prepared for emotionally.....was spending the night BEFORE her birthday on the floor.
At midnight on the 20th I realized that at that moment 12 yrs ago I was walking myself from the triage room to the labor room. The walk I mention in some of my first blog posts.
So I did something I didn't realize would bring me peace, sadness, overwhelming joy....every emotion under the sun!
I walked the events......
I went to the triage room we found out the news her heart had stopped.
I walked down the long hall that made me feel like I was walking the death row walk 12 yrs ago....
I stood in the OR she was born silently.
I stood outside the room she was baptized in and sooo many family got to hold and meet her in (there was a patient in the room, so no pictures lol).
Then I finished with a moment with the wreath of remembrance in our respite room where her ribbon hangs from.
It was cathartic. It was freeing. It was peaceful.
The nurses let me talk about her last night. They asked questions and engaged and LISTENED. I don't think people realize how IMPORTANT that is. Even 12 yrs later. To tell your story, to speak your name. It means the WORLD to me.
Then of course today was BEAUTIFUL!!! The sun was shining and the temperature was perfect. We all gathered at Rosalynn's grave to celebrate. We sang happy birthday, let off balloons and I handed out the mini bundt cakes for everyone to enjoy tonight. It was quick but perfect.
As I was headed to work, one of my friends/coworkers called to see what type of coffee I would like:-) Made my day!
I chose a moment when a lot of people were in the nurse's station to hand out the mini cakes. I stressed to them the importance of their job when working with bereavement cases. That how their care can change someone's life.....for better OR worse....and in my case it brought me full circle 12 yrs later.
Every year I ask for a little sign from Rosie that she is around. I feel her regularly, but it is nice to have a solid sign she is around. Today it was an interesting one. The night we found out she had passed, I had made David and I chicken parmesan. Needless to say, I have not eaten chicken parmesan in 12 yrs. Randomly today the hospital sent us a "thank you" dinner. Unexpected.....what do you think that dinner was? You guessed it. Chicken Parmesan! So today I ate chicken parm for the first time in 12 yrs.....
Healing.....freedom....peace.....full circle.
Thank you baby girl for teaching me so many lessons. For helping me grow spiritually, emotionally, and mentally strong. Thank you for sending me down this path I would not have taken. I help other families like ours, and love on them and try to give them amazing memories of their babies. I cannot wait to one day hug you in heaven, but until then, I will continue to carry your memory with me through life.
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