Healing...Freedom....Peace....Full Circle

I hate that I only get on here once a year...if that. I should be documenting Ava and Pippa's life too. But this IS a pretty sacred place...Rosie's place. SO I guess I will continue to come here and document on occasion. 

Today marked 12 yrs. 

12 yrs since the trajectory of my life took a sudden turn....my plans, my dreams, my goals were flipped upside down. 

If you are friends with me on FB, you would have seen that I posted a short blurb about today. It was because I had to sit with my feelings and figure out how to get them down on paper. FB did not seem like the place to write about those feelings. 

Leading up to today, I  thought I would be emotionally and physically ready for today. You see, I had to work today. Being a L&D nurse on the unit she was born, I am regularly around "her spaces". The triage room we found out she passed, the operating room she was delivered in, the room she was baptized in, the room I spent 4 days in AP holding her and spending time with her. BUT I had yet to work on her day. This year is the first time in 12 yrs I would have to work and not dedicate an entire day to my first born. I also had to work the night of the 19th. Which means my morning and afternoon would be spent sleeping on the 20th. I contacted all the family and told them the celebration would still happen at the cemetery, but it would be short and sweet since I had to leave for work. I ordered mini bunt cakes from Nothing Bundt Cakes, and even bought the bundtinis for the hospital staff for the night of the 20th. 

I was ready. Physically and emotionally to spend Rosie's birthday on the Labor and Delivery floor that she was born on.

What I was not prepared for emotionally.....was spending the night BEFORE her birthday on the floor. 

At midnight on the 20th I realized that at that moment 12 yrs ago I was walking myself from the triage room to the labor room. The walk I mention in some of my first blog posts. 

So I did something I didn't realize would bring me peace, sadness, overwhelming joy....every emotion under the sun!

I walked the events......

I went to the triage room we found out the news her heart had stopped. 

I walked down the long hall that made me feel like I was walking the death row walk 12 yrs ago....

I stood in the OR she was born silently.

I stood outside the room she was baptized in and sooo many family got to hold and meet her in (there was a patient in the room, so no pictures lol). 

Then I finished with a moment with the wreath of remembrance in our respite room where her ribbon hangs from. 

It was cathartic. It was freeing. It was peaceful.

The nurses let me talk about her last night. They asked questions and engaged and LISTENED.  I don't think people realize how IMPORTANT that is. Even 12 yrs later. To tell your story, to speak your name. It means the WORLD to me. 

Then of course today was BEAUTIFUL!!! The sun was shining and the temperature was perfect. We all gathered at Rosalynn's grave to celebrate. We sang happy birthday, let off balloons and I handed out the mini bundt cakes for everyone to enjoy tonight. It was quick but perfect. 

As I was headed to work, one of my friends/coworkers called to see what type of coffee I would like:-) Made my day! 

I chose a moment when a lot of people were in the nurse's station to hand out the mini cakes. I stressed to them the importance of their job when working with bereavement cases. That how their care can change someone's life.....for better OR worse....and in my case it brought me full circle 12 yrs later. 

Every year I ask for a little sign from Rosie that she is around. I feel her regularly, but it is nice to have a solid sign she is around. Today it was an interesting one. The night we found out she had passed, I had made David and I chicken parmesan. Needless to say, I have not eaten chicken parmesan in 12 yrs. Randomly today the hospital sent us a "thank you" dinner. Unexpected.....what do you think that dinner was? You guessed it. Chicken Parmesan! So today I ate chicken parm for the first time in 12 yrs.....

Healing.....freedom....peace.....full circle. 

 

Thank you baby girl for teaching me so many lessons. For helping me grow spiritually, emotionally, and mentally strong. Thank you for sending me down this path I would not have taken. I help other families like ours, and love on them and try to give them amazing memories of their babies. I cannot wait to one day hug you in heaven, but until then, I will continue to carry your memory with me through life. 

A Glimpse Into the Past

With as busy as I have been between work, getting ready for baby, and my photo shoots, I have been slacking in blogs other than those pertaining to the pregnancy. I promise, I have a LOT more going on then just sitting around for Ava to arrive.


Take this weekend for example. It was jam packed full of excitement.

Foster has officially volunteered me to help take over his unit's family readiness group (FRG) leader position. I guess he figured since I will be a stay at home mom, I will have time to do this. So, as part of my new "job" I have to attend a few conferences to teach me how to do my new job. Our first conference was on Saturday, and although informative, it was BORING!!! Luckily I had a lot to look forward to that night.

My mom's 60th birthday was September 10th. We did a small get together with family to watch football, eat good food and then took her to watch "The Help". It was a really nice day. However, her old high school buddies had a much bigger event planned for her this weekend.

I was a part of this plan. The girls would be using my house as a base camp, bed and breakfast, local bar. They started out heading to some wineries around town. Then they would meet us at my house, have a few drinks, and then head out to the dueling piano bar down town. Well, you know what they say, "The best laid plans of mice and men often go awry".

I felt like I was in a time warp, getting a glimpse of my mother and her friends as if they were high schoolers again. They even chanted a few renditions of "We are classy, We are fine, We're the class of '69!"

We all hopped in the car to head to the piano bar, and after making it down town, we never actually made it to the bar. Just like in high school, it seems the ladies still drank as if they were in high school. One of them got sick on the way to the bar. She was down for the count. She insisted on us leaving her in the car so she could sleep, but none of us felt comfortable with that plan, because who knows what could happen to her in the big city. So we all piled back in the car and headed back to my house.

We ordered pizza, the ladies drank a few more beers, and my mom's aforementioned friend slept off her drunken state.

Sunday morning, Foster and I woke up to head to church, but before heading out, I made a fruit salad and Cinnamon rolls to tide che ladies over till we got back and I was able to make my homemade quiche for brunch.

We came back from church, hung out on the patio, ate quiche and fruit salad, and enjoyed each other's company for a couple more hours. Then after all the ladies left, I headed out for not one, but TWO photo shoots.

So just a glimpse at my last weekend, you can see how BUSY I have been. It has helped me keep my mind of the stress of this pregnancy, and has really helped with my anxiety. However, now you all know why I have been so bad about writing about things OTHER than the pregnancy.

What did you do to keep busy last weekend?

Summer Fest and Reveal Story

Every year Foster's hometown has a HUGE celebration called Summer Fest. It is a Fourth of July of sorts. Complete with an early morning 4 mile race, a parade, yard sales, and fireworks. Foster and I were already planning on attending, but because our two sides of the family don't get together as much as I would like....other than for our wedding and Rosie's passing..... due to the 3 hour trip, I wanted to try and bring them together for this event, so Foster and I invited Bug and Ky, JJ and Mr. JJ, and my parents. We promised that those who attended would get to be present for the big gender reveal. JJ and Mr. JJ were planning on attending, but Mr. JJ had a prior engagement that Saturday that he could not postpone. Bug had to work, but Ky said he would love to attend, and my parents were going to make the three hour drive in order to spend a little time with everyone. Unfortunately my dad had to cancel last minute, but my mom still made it.

Ky, Foster and I headed out on Friday with the pups. We settled into the hotel and had some late night wings. Foster was regretting it the next morning when he had to wake up early to go run the 4 miler. His dad and brother in law ran the race also, and all of them achieved their goals! His dad wanted to make sure he didn't finish last, and sure enough there were PLENTY of finishers after him. Foster's Brother in law wanted to beat Foster's dad, and if possible break 40 minutes. He did both!! Foster wanted to break 28 minutes, and possibly place in his age category. He accomplished both! He placed third while breaking 28 minutes! Not bad for having a heavy stomach after too many wings the night before!

After the race we headed to his parent's house where his mom and sisters were holding their annual garage sale. They make out like bandits at their sale...maybe next year I will have to bring my own table and join in the money making opportunities! We all just hung out, played with my nieces and nephew, and enjoyed each other's company. Foster and Ky started cracking open beers pretty early, and decided they wanted to go check out the auto show at the fair portion of Summer Fest, so I decided to take a nep. I figured I was in for a long night since they were already drinking, and we were driving back home that night (2hours). It was apparent I was going to be the DD.

That evening we were expecting the arrival of my mom for the cookout and reveal. When she arrived we gathered everyone up and handed his sisters a gift bag and a bag for my mom and his mom. We made his sisters open theirs first. Inside they pulled out a duck onsie....VERY gender non-specific! They all chuckled, rolled their eyes, and anticipated the opening of our moms' bags. I had taped the tops in order to prevent peaking, but this cause a little delay in getting the bags open, and after a struggle they excitedly announced "We see pink!!". Inside his mother's bag was the coming home outfit. On the front of the onsie it says "Little Sister" and inside my mom's bag were bibs with "Daddy's Little Princess" on the front. They were so excited.

I begged that they would hold off on the shopping, for my nerves still get the best of me. they were not very happy with this prospect, so I made them a deal. They could buy things but they couldn't give them to me till AFTER Ava arrives crying. Although they still didn't like this idea, they agreed.

After a filling spread, we all gathered on the streets for the parade. I still don't get the excitement about parades, I never have, but everyone seemed to have fun. After, my mom headed home before it got dark, and the rest of us headed to the fair for dessert. I wanted an elephant ear, and the kids wanted funnel cakes and the guys drank more beer! We visited with Dave's long time friend Mr. Red and his wife. She is expecting also and is approximately 7 weeks behind me with her 4th child. It was great seeing them, and I always regret living so far away from this great couple, because I could see us hanging out a lot more if we lived a little closer to one another.

Finally it was time to head home, and about 15 minutes into our 2 hour drive home, BOTH Ky and Foster AND one of the dogs were passed out! I firmly believe that late night, long drives should require at least one of the passengers to stay awake to help the driver! I was exhausted, and only my sweet Rowdy pup was there to stare at me and occasionally lick my hand when I was starting to get really tired.

It was a really fun time., and although I wasn't able to make my gender cake due to time constraints, I still think the reveal was fun! Everyone seemed really excited about the fact we are expecting another beautiful baby girl. Although everyone is still really nervous, I think the excitement is starting to creep into every one's hearts:-)

Rosie's First Heavenly Birthday Post

I know, I know, this is way long overdue, along with my kitchen remodel post. But, as I mentioned before, it was all about getting motivated to empty my memory card. Having a 16MB card is sometimes a bad thing.

Leading up to Rosalynn's birthday, I was nervous. There were so many feelings and emotions that correspond with her day, and they were becoming overwhelming. I am sure that the new pregnancy hormones were not helping a whole lot, but it was also the pregnancy that was exacerbating these emotions.


April 20th loomed over my head, and to me it almost seemed like a jinxed day. I was terrified that I would wake up in the morning and this pregnancy would end, or some other tragedy would happen in my family. I don't know why I was feeling this way, probably just because my life will always be defined as "Life before April 20th 2010" versus "Life after April 20th 2010".

I didn't know what exactly to expect. If she was here on earth, we would have had a HUGE celebration with both sides of the family, friends of mine and all the kids her age too. However, how do you go about celebrating the short life in my womb and her death? Some people voiced their disagreement with a memorial/celebration. Of course, for those of you who have followed me and gotten to know me, or know me in real life, I choose to ignore people like this and do what I feel is right. I felt like she deserved a celebration and fortunately, most agreed.

Rosalynn has touched so many lives, more lives than some people who have lived for 50+ years could ever come close to touching, and for that I think she deserved a celebration.


I knew one thing, I did NOT want to be alone on this day. Foster had an exercise he had to attend for his unit, but said he would try to get off early, if not, we would have the evening together. I should have known at that moment that my family would never have let me go through this day alone. I think they needed me as much as I needed them. I didn't even have to ask, my mom and sister took the day off of work, and JJ got off around noon. I also got a call from my aunt saying she was coming in from NY to spend the day with us. I can't even begin to explain how blessed I am to have a family like this.

We made plans to spend time together in the local out door mall that boasts a grand assortment of restaurants and shops. We ate at one of my favorite places, California Pizza Kitchen, and spent some time wandering around the mall, not really looking for anything in particular, but just spending time with each other.

Mid afternoon we all stopped off at the party center store in order to buy a bunch of balloons. I had decided that with the loss of my daughter, I had gained a group of friends that I felt deserved a special gift on this day. All of the women from my baby loss community have been such and integral part of my healing, and I wanted to do something to thank them. We bought 31 balloons, 15 pink for the girls, 15 blue for the boys, and one red one for my Rosalynn. JJ, Bug and I spent the next hour writing the names of babies taken too soon from their parents on the balloons and taking pictures of all of them (which will be posted at the end of this post and can be clicked on to enlarge and copied for your own enjoyment!)

we had a few casualties of war!

Us girls hard at work with the balloons!

Rosie amongst all her friends!

Rosie and Ellie (my sister's old roomie and my first nurse who took care of me and Rosie...her niece)

The notes we attached to the balloons to send up to Rosie:

We headed out to the cemetery around 4:30pm where Papa JJ, my dad, Ky, Matt, Mrs. H with baby H, and Mrs. Compass, her 2 kids and her VERY pregnant belly, my oldest sister Jan and my niece Lish joined us girls for some prayers, balloon release, and champagne/sparkling grape juice toast. Others made out notes to Rosie that were also attached to the balloons.

The day was pretty windy, and had a chill in the air. It looked like it would rain any moment. I was afraid of the balloons getting stuck in the trees of the woods across from Rosie's headstone, so Foster, Ky, Matt, Mrs. Compass' daughter and I stepped out further away from the woods to make sure they made it over the trees. Unfortunately, 2 of the three bunches of balloons got stuck in the ONLY TREE in the middle of the hill!! OF COURSE!!!

We all had a good laugh about this, because it just proved that Rosie would have been more like me than we probably wanted. She and her friends did not want to leave the party!! They wanted to stick around, and be stubborn.

balloons in trees!

uncle Mr JJ climbing the tree to release the balloons

Papa JJ and Foster lead us in prayer and we even sang a happy birthday to Rosie. I have to admit, I had been really good up until this point! As the group sang Happy Birthday, the tears started streaming. This should have been a totally different scene.

beens" at that moment.

After a lovely gathering, the majority of us headed to Rosie's favorite place to eat, Max and Erma's. Mrs. Prince and I frequented this establishment multiple times a week throughout our pregnancies. Rosie LOVED the French onion soup and Cesar salad, so I ordered it. I also had sweet tea, although it has had a tendency of making me sick through this pregnancy, Pumpkin put up with it for this one occasion.

I was given many gifts this day. Cards, phone calls, texts, and things to remember Rosie by were given to me in abundance. I was even given over $170 from my mom's school to put towards Roses from Rosalynn!

Pumpkin wasn't left out either. My sister gave me something I had not seen in exactly 362 days. The card said "To my little brother/sister From Rosalynn". They were onsies that everyone made at my baby shower exactly 3 days before we gave birth to our sleeping daughter. My sister had kept them at her place so they could dry, and although I wanted them, I was never ready to actually see them. When I pulled them out, I started crying again. So many memories of my baby girl, and she never took a single breath here on earth.

Since the JJs had yet to see the new kitchen, them and Bug and Ky came back with us and my parents and aunt to the house to eat ice cream cake. It was the one thing Foster had requested. We skipped the singing this time, because I wasn't sure my heart could handle it again, and we all dug in.

After everyone went home, Foster and I headed to bed with the puppies in tow. It had been an emotionally taxing day, but it was a beautiful one. I had gotten the chance to spend time with some of the people that mean the most to me, and who love Rosalynn as much as I do. They all decided that we had to make this a tradition. We have to continue to get together and celebrate this amazing little girl who has touched so many people!

I know there are probably things I left out, but I think I cover the most important aspects of the day. Thank you to all of you who left messages on FB and this blog. Thank you to those who "attended" my FB virtual birthday event. These small things mean SOOOOOOO much to me, you will never know! Just knowing that some of you thought about her and us on April 20th meant the world to me!!!!  So to those of you who requested your baby's names on a balloon, here they are. Feel free to copy the picture and post it on your name pages/FB/etc.