My Family!!

My Family!!

Wednesday, July 13, 2011

Bring On the Crazy....Uh, I Mean Motherly Love!

Foster seems to think I am bordering on crazy the further along in my pregnancy I got. Let me explain.....

I mentioned in my weekly update post that my doctor made the comment "Everything is looking great in this pregnancy so far. There is no reason for me to think that it will end early like the last one did." I am sure this comment was said as reassurance, but the more I think about it, the more and more I get pissed off about it.

Rosalynn looked great at 24, 26, 30, and even 34 weeks. IF there was any "signs" that pregnancy would end early, WHY DIDN"T SOMEONE GIVE ME THE HEADS UP?!?!?!? I don't want him to get complacent. I don't want him to start going back on the promises that he made at my pre-conception appointment and my very first prenatal appointment. If I had not mentioned the growth scan at 24 weeks, I am afraid that he would never have scheduled it. I am afraid he forgets the things he tells me from one appointment to the next.

For instance, my very first appointment, he asked, "So, you had a 20 week loss right?"

" almost 35 week loss!!!!" BIG difference. Now, to those BLMs who had 20 week losses, I am not saying it is a difference in devastation, the loss of a child is the loss of a child. What I am referring to is the subsequent pregnancies. IF I had had a 20 week loss, I am going on 22 weeks tomorrow, and I may feel like I can breathe....a little. Having a 35 week loss, I don't know if I will ever have a "safe zone". In fact, instead of my anxiety going down, I feel like it is increasing as time gets closer and closer to the 34w5d mark.

I don't expect him to be a therapist, but I do expect him to take my concerns to heart, and LISTEN to me. I feel like he almost blows off  alot of my concerns. For instance, my BP was 113/98. Now the top number (systolic) looks GREAT! However, that bottom number, the diastolic, is about 20 points higher than I run on a normal basis. His response "Blood Pressure fluctuates."

My BP was a concern for me with Rosalynn. I was never diagnosed with Pre-eclampsia, but I definitely had all the signs....increased BP, slight protein in my urine, and 3+ pitting edema on my ankles and feet, and swollen all over my body. Yet, the doctors didn't seemed to bothered by all this. I know, Dr. C may think that saying things like "BP fluctuates" will ease my mind, but it doesn't. Instead, maybe give me some tips to bring it down, maybe retake it or tell me to monitor it outside of the office (Don't worry, I have taken initiative on my own and am doing all of this....along with running my urine occasionally @ work).  Not taking things like this seriously is the first way to throw me back in time to Rosie's pregnancy.

One of the nurses told me I have to be my own advocate. That sometimes these "top doctors" get a little cocky and start getting complacent. So, I have a plan!

I have a 24 week appointment with a growth scan. I am going to ask Dr. C to WRITE down the plan of care from here on out. We are hitting viability stage.....24 weeks. I want to know when our scans will be, when the Non-Stress Tests (NST) will start,  and exactly when we plan on delivering, and WRITE THEM ALL DOWN FOR ME. That way, I have the plan of action in my hand, and if he tries to change his mind, I can show him the list and ask why he is changing courses.

I am a planner. I am terrified that he will decide he wants to wait until 36 or 38 weeks and THEN deliver, instead of the 34-35 weeks that he has promised before. I want to know, because that is a BIG difference, and Foster and I have jobs and things to take into consideration. I want to know if I have 10 weeks left as of the 24 week appt, or if I have 14 weeks left.

And IF he tries to blow off my feelings or go back on his word, I have my pictures. the pictures of my beautiful 5lb12oz baby girl that I will place in front of him and "gently" remind him that THIS is what we are trying to avoid again!

How does this sound?  Foster thinks I sound a little crazy. However, how crazy is too crazy when it comes to the health and well being of your child?!? I would have died to save my daughter Rosie, and I feel the same way about Avaleen already. I don't call it crazy, I call it motherly love!

Welcome to pregnancy after stillbirth!

What do you think? My fellow BLMs, what would you do?


erika said...

erin- pregnancy after loss is very emotional. I lost my son tanner at 19 weeks gestation. I got pregnant with my son David nine months later. They were on top of me because we didn't know why I lost tanner. My water broke at 16 weeks. I was so scared every minute of everyday. I was also when I was pregnant with my youngest. I don't think that it ever gets easier. Just remember that God doesn't give you things you can't handle. And at the end of this you will have a beautiful little rainbow. I just think that this rainbow knows rosalynn. you are in my prayers. You have every right to worry. You will worry till she is in your arms.

Sarah said...

I'm not a BLM - or a mom at all for that matter - but I completely agree with you. I would keep on him until he shows that he's taking your concerns to heart. I would be just as freaked out/concerned as you are. Maybe motherly love IS a bit crazy, but I think there's a reason for that. =)

Kelly @ Sufficient Grace Ministries said...

I do not think you are crazy. Pregnancy after loss is a roller coaster! And, even the best doctors will not have the protective desires or focus that you feel about your baby. Perhaps you could write down a plan that he agrees to...if he doesn't want to write it all down himself. Birth plans are a good idea. It is always important to be an advocate for yourself and your child as a patient, while still being respectful of course.

Praying for peace for you, sweet Erin. The hard and scary and overwhelming part of this journey is that are no guarantees. And, we mamas who have walked this path know that sad truth all too well. We grasp for something to bring us the security we long for, but know deep in our hearts that there is only so much we can do. It is a leap of faith...and all we can do is cling to God and pray for His strength to carry us.

I understand well the desire to make sure that you do everything possible to prevent what happened to your sweet Rosalyn...and I'm with you, sweet sister. You are not crazy at all...just a mama who has lost her child and doesn't want to ever walk that path again.

Love to you...

Angela said...

I would harass the pants off him if I were you. I feel like I repeat myself every time I see my specialist, but I want him to know what I need, where I'm at, how I want and need things to go. Most doctors see a patient every 15 minutes. That is a whole lot of people and it can be hard for them to remember exactly who you are. You do have to be your own advocate, which is frustrating, but will (hopefully) provide you with what you need to feel comfortable. I love the idea of making him write it all down. I might have my doctor do that when I see him next week.

Katie said...

You are absolutely not crazy...anything that you can do to protect your baby is exactly what you need to do, even if it involves shaking the doctor a little and reminding him of what happened last time.
That nurse was right, you have to be your own advocate.

Devan @ Unspoken Grief ™ said...

Pregnancy after loss is a hard struggle - so many fears and so many emotions. It is important to find a doctor who will listen and be sensitive to the emotions of a pregnant BL mama. Be your own advocate and be kind to yourself as well.


Template by