The Rainbow Baby Project

Oh it has been FOREVER since I have posted here. Mainly because 2 babies are keeping me EXTREMELY busy, and so is my business, Irish Eyes Photography.  It has been NEARLY EIGHT YEARS since my Rosalynn passed away. Some days it feels like a lifetime ago, other days it seems like just yesterday!
The 2 things that have kept hope going in my life has been my two rainbow babies, Avaleen and Phillippa (Ava and Pippa). So with that, I have decided to give back to the baby loss community that has blessed me and supported me for EIGHT YEARS!!! Please, go over to my blog on my photography page to read a full story/explanation, and see all the details. If you, family, or friends are in Ohio, or willing to TRAVEL to Ohio, FEEL FREE to share and nominate them for this amazing opportunity!!

https://www.irisheyesphotography.net/rainbow-baby-columbus-ohio

Phillippa's Birth Story:: PART 1

Where do I even begin? It has been such a whirlwind the past 40 hours that I may leave something out, but want to write this down before I start to forget.

As mentioned in my last blog post, I was on modified bed rest. I was allowed to do certain things, as long as my blood pressure was kept under control, and any signs of pre eclampsia stayed away (nausea, headaches not cured with Tylenol, right upper quadrant pain, changes in vision). Saturday was uneventful. I stayed at home most of the day and left just to have a nice dinner with my family. Low key, low bps most of the day. Sunday is when I woke up feeling like yuck.

It started off with just slightly elevated blood pressure. (140s/80-90) nothing to be concerned about. Nothing to call the doc about because I had been hanging out around that range the past 2 weeks. But I felt "off". Went to church with the family. This literally required me to sit in a car, then sit through service, I didn't stand, didn't dance in the aisles lol, just sat. But I had a feeling of "restless body syndrome" if you have ever had restless leg syndrome, it is that feeling but all over my body. I wasn't comfortable sitting, standing, walking, didn't want anyone touching me. Just REALLY restless.

We headed home and my bp was still 140s/80-90.

Foster had a few errands to run, grocery shopping, ref a rugby game, etc. So while he did that I napped. I took TWO 1.5 hr naps. NOT like me, but once again, I wasn't feeling well.

Woke up at 530pm to get ready to go to small group. Which required me to sit in the car, walk to a couch and sit on a couch for 2 hrs. No big deal. Plus I figured with everything going on, it would be a nice thing to hang with a group that would be praying hard for all of us.

After small group, I got home, Foster went to bathe Ava while I made a late dinner of sandwiches and Mac and cheese. After putting the pot on to boil I decided to take my bp because I still didn't feel well. It read 160/100. I was a bit shocked, but did what Dr P told me: lay on your left side, rest for 10 mins and retake. If it doesn't go down, call. Retake: 138/85, the best it has been all day.

So we ate and then headed to bed. Yes, I was headed to bed at 9pm even after 2 naps. The one thing I noticed is my tummy was tight. Not contraction tight, but more just overall tight. Tender to the touch. Even Ava wanting to kiss the belly goodnight was a bit painful. I chalked it up to mild contractions like I had had on and off since 28 weeks, and figured I would chug some water and lay down. It would go away like it always did.

Why didn't I call my doc? I don't know. I thought about it multiple times through the day, but I had a non stress test scheduled that next morning and figured as long as I was keeping things under control, I would be fine till then. Nothing seemed major, just had that "off" feeling all day.

I was out like a light by 9:30p. But just like every other night, I woke up about 1.5 hrs later because I had to pee....oh the joys of pregnancy. I shuffled into the bathroom, sat down and before I got the chance to start peeing, I felt a huge gush. I stopped. Oh crap. I think my water just broke. I flipped on the bathroom light, not knowing what to expect because my water has never broken, and was terrified when I looked in the toilet and it looked like a massacre had taken place. I froze. When I think of the most devastating moment in my life, it is when we found out Rosalynn had no heart beat. When I think of the most terrifying moment of my life, this was it.

I am too versed in pregnancy. I know the good, the bad and the devastating. I know that that much blood in the third trimester could mean 1 of 2 things:

1) My csection scar was opening, which is a risk with any pregnancy after csection, and when contractions have been manifesting themselves, increase this risk if they are strong enough/productive. This is one reason why docs don't like doing vaginal births after csection (VBAC).

2) A placental abruption. Any of you who watch Grey's anatomy, they JUST had an episode of a woman experiencing one of these. Both her and baby died. VERY dangerous, very scary, and happens quickly.

I yelled out to Foster, "HONEY.....wake up we need to go to the hospital NOW".

All I kept thinking is I had lost her already. That I was hemorrhaging and Pippa was gone. I honestly thought I had lost another baby.

Foster sprung into action, grabbing Ava and getting her to the neighbor's house, grabbing my bag that was still partially packed from Thursday's stay at OSU, and getting the car ready.

I called 911 and grabbed my Doppler. I didn't want to risk bleeding out and dying in a car my husband was driving on the way to the hospital. I wanted to make sure I had medical care on the transport to the hospital. But I also knew this meant 1 bad thing: they would take me to a hospital I was not familiar with, with docs who didn't know my case, and my doc had no delivery rights to.

While I was on the phone with 911 I had my Doppler in hand. 

"Mrs Foster, can you feel your baby move?"

"No, I haven't felt her move since the gush. I have a doppler in my hand but I am terrified to put it on my belly" I told the operator. "What if my daughter is gone already?!".

"Ma'am most squads don't have a way to check fetal heart tones. So if you want to check it would be best to use it."

As I placed the doppler on my belly I held my breath.......and THANK THE LORD Pippa was there. It was the first time the entire pregnancy I didn't have to search for her or chase her with the doppler. Thank God for small favors!! I knew she was at least alive.

TO BE CONTINUED........

I am exhausted, my pain meds are kicking in, and I need to head to bed. Sorry lol. I will finish typing her story tomorrow:-) 

Bed Rest Chronicles Day 1

So when discharged yesterday, I read the instructions for "modified bed rest". Things I CAN do:

- Light House work (is there any way I can take this off the list? lol)
- shower, bathroom, daily grooming/dressing activities. Yay for being clean and dressed;-)
- Short errands (i.e. short trips to the grocery) So I figure I can put trips to the studio in this for minor errands.
- Short walks 2-3 blocks. TWO TO THREE BLOCKS. LOL Now, is this a NYC block? a country block? If it was my block, I might as well not leave the house, it isn't worth it.
- Easy outings like out to dinner or a movie that takes little to know effort.

OK. So my biggest challenge is going to be seeing how much I can do without my blood pressure raising. I am hanging around the 130/80-140/90 resting. I want to keep it as close to that as possible.

So I woke up this morning feeling like this is my first official day as a "stay at home wife". But the problem with stay at home wife/mom is that I would want to be the BEST one I could be.: food made, house clean, etc. At this point it would take 3 days straight of cleaning to make my house the standard I would expect from myself if I was a SAHM/W so I know it may take all 3 weeks to get to the standard if I do "light house work" every day.

 Ava went to school, Dave woke her up, got her dressed and took her in. While getting her ready, I noticed there were 2 baskets of her laundry that needed put away. And about 3 baskets of laundry of ours that needed to be done. Laundry I would consider "light housework" (minus the carrying of heavy baskets). So Dave took the baskets downstairs so I could work on laundry.

Morale: High
Pippa: Active
Naps: 1
TV watched: probably around 3 hrs

645 AM: BP 137/78
- Put Ava's laundry away.
-Go downstairs have breakfast
-Watch a little news.
-Start getting antsy
-Put first load in laundry

1030AM:
-switch laundry, fold first load
-put dinner in the crockpot
-clean a little of the kitchen

BP: 148/89 OK I get it, I did a little too much "Light housework"

Sit down for 15 mins and retake:  138/78 great!! back down!

Rest, watch TV, fold more laundry.....come on, admit you are jealous;-)

3pm:
Time to test "short errand trip"
Went to studio to meet client to drop off products.
Headed to Ava's school for parent teacher conference.
Office max for electric converter for a nightlight I bought for Ava that has a European plug.

5:30 BP: 146/89 OK.....so maybe they truly meant ONE short errand. But retested and it came back down:-)

6:45: Dinner with family, hang out on porch while Dave mows and Ava plays with Dinos. Now writing blog. BP: 136/80

So what did I learn today?
Spread the house chores out a little more, and ONE short errand at a time. Mom would be mad at me for testing the limits today, but I had to check what would bring up my BP vs what wouldn't, and my doc said as long as it came back DOWN after resting, which in all cases it did, that I could do SOME things. Just no crazy photo shoots, or moving furniture, etc.

I didn't go TOO crazy today, but then again it is only day one, and when you are as busy as me on a regular basis it is nice to have a light day from time to time. We will see how morale is next week.

I do have this great photo to keep me motivated on "taking it easy":



On the list for tomorrow: Boss Dave around for things I wanted done before Pippa got here but won't get to do myself now.
Family Date to dinner and MAYBE a movie if my BP is behaving:-)
Editing on the couch!! :-)

Don't worry, I won't bore you EVERY day with the happenings of the Bed Rest Chronicles....maybe just every other day;-)

Problem Child: 31 Weeks and In the Hospital

SO it looks like Miss Phillippa is going to be my problem child. She has been lovingly dubbed "little stinker" by me:-)

Yesterday I was watching my niece and Ava but felt "off". I decided to nap while the girls did, and still didn't feel very good. So before leaving Bug's house for the day, I had her take my BP. I purchased a manual BP cuff because I don't completely trust digital cuffs, and my years of taking BPs I figured I would trust my own ears better than the digital readings. Well, my sister, the NICU nurse got the following readings:

160/90 Left arm
155/95  Left arm 10 mins after "resting" on the couch
150/95 Right arm after resting.

Yeah......not good.

So I called my doc. I just wanted to go to their office and have my BP checked and maybe a urine dip to check things out, but instead she sent me straight to L&D.

First few readings at L&D showed high (140s/90s) but with resting they quickly started going into normal range (120s/70s). Of course they would. All I was doing was laying around. They drew blood, monitored Pippa for 2 hrs, and she behaved this time, gave me a 24 hr urine to go home with and instructions to return today around 5pm to turn in urine, monitor Pippa again, and recheck BPs.

I had originally had a regular prenatal appointment set up for this morning at 8:30 with Dr. P. I was getting Ava ready for school, getting myself ready for my day, and started feeling "off" again. Nauseated, dizzy, head ache. So I sat down and took my BP digitally. It came to 170/95. Then I threw up. Waited a few mins and then took it again but manually this time: 170/100.

GREAT. So off to my appointment I went.

My doctor came in VERY quickly. Checked my BP, rechecked my BP and both times were high. So we started talking.

OBVIOUSLY when in the hospital and doing NOTHING my #s start looking great! But how is that going to work outside of the hospital? How am I to keep my BP in check when just doing normal activity gets it to skyrocket?

Dr. P wanted to send me to the hospital for 24 hr observation again. First starting in triage. If my BP didn't want to come down while being monitored there, then we would be talking delivery sooner than later. If it DID come down, then we would be monitoring me on antepartum floor with frequent checks on Pippa, frequent BP checks and more blood work to find out if this is pregnancy induced hypertension or the dreaded Pre-Eclampsia.

So here I sit. My BPs were not critical like some of the readings we were getting earlier today, but they are still higher than normal. So no delivery today THANK GOD!! But we are monitoring and waiting for labs and my 24 hour urine to be done tonight to determine if A) this is Pre-E or B) if this is pregnancy induced hypertension.

What happens if Pre-E? Most likely admittance till delivery (hopefully still 4 weeks from today instead of sooner) but they will need to keep close eyes on my BP and blood work and if either becomes critical, it will be a quick delivery via c-section.

If Hypertension? HOPEFULLY it is something that can be treated with some BP meds and "taking it easy" for the rest of the pregnancy with the hopes of making it till May 25th.

I am praying for the hypertension, but JUST IN CASE, they have administered my first steroid shot for Miss Pippa's lungs, which would hopefully equal a shorter NICU stay. But I am also praying for it for my own sanity. Although I will do ANYTHING to get this child here safe and sound, and I know some people, like my mom would rather me be admitted till delivery, I would go INSANE. Any of you who know me in real life know I am busy all the time. Have a zillion things going on, and i THRIVE on that. So sitting still for 4 weeks would be killer. BUT I will do ANYTHING for Pippa, just like I would do ANYTHING for Ava:-) But man oh man will I miss home.

So if you are the praying type, I have always been told by my mom that pray specific and you have a better chance at getting those answered:-)

Pray for NO pre-E
Pray for med controlled hypertension
pray for sending home and resting
pray for delivery at 8am on may 25th like planned:-)

I will keep updating as I can.

First AND Second Trip to the Hospital

Well I was all ready to post an entry about the fun trip to Cincinati that Foster and I had for our baby moon, but then 2 times in 4 days I have ended up at the hospital, so I thought it may be a bit more important to update everyone on Phillippa and I.

Thursday evening I was finishing up dinner with the family, when I had the worst tightening, take my breath away, pain in my abdomen. I was nauseated, felt like I was going to pass out, poop, and throw up all at the same time. I looked at Foster and said "I have never had a contraction in my life, but if I had to guess what one felt like, I think that was it. With 2 csections, and only being 28 weeks, I knew it was dangerous for me to be going into labor at this point. I called my doc.

The "contraction lasted about 3-5 mins, and according to my doc sounded more like a braxton hicks since they weren't coming multiple at a time, it was only one, and it was a little abnormal in terms of length. She wanted me to rest and hydrate and see if it helped and if I had more than 4 in an an hour, call her back. Well, we spoke too soon. I started having similar feelings every 8-10 mins, then 6-8 mins, then 3-4 mins apart. Dr. T decided I needed to head in to make sure I wasn't in full blown labor, dilating, or risking my c-section scar.

While waiting for my sister to pick me up to take me into L&D while Foster stayed home with Ava, I was packing a bag and taking a shower JUST IN CASE, and the contractions were coming every 1.5 mins. I was starting to get a bit anxious.

LUCKILY, they were able to make them stop after a few hours. After testing everything they could to make sure I wasn't in active labor, they administered a bolus of fluid, and some magic pill by 5am I was released with the instructions to take it easy, keep hydrated, and i may experience more contractions, but at least I know what they feel like, and know when they get fast and furious to call or go in.

Fast forward to yesterday. I was at the office editing, and left to head to a routine doc appt. Well, if there is anything we have learned from my pregnancies, is they are NEVER "routine". OF COURSE this time I didn't pack a bag, I didn't even lock up the studio before I left because I was headed back after the appointment.....or so I thought.

When they took my BP it was a bit elevated. They wanted to send me over to L&D to monitor my BP and test for Pre-eclampsia. If you remember I mentioned that with Ava my protein count in my urine was only 3 points short of being positive for Pre-E at 34 weeks. I never had to address it, because we ended up delivering before any issues came up. So to be on the safe side they sent me into the hospital. I figured, no big deal, they will hook me up, monitor for an hour, and send me home by dinner time.

Best way to make God laugh? Make plans;-)

I had about 15 mins left before the labs came back to let me know how things were when the doc walked in with an u/s machine. MOST people would be ecstatic to see their baby. Well I knew it was not a good sign. LOL. Sure enough, little stinker had a decent drop in her heart rate while I was having a bit of a contraction. (These are known as decelerations, aka decels). It automatically got me 2 more hours of monitoring. They did the u/s to make sure the amniotic fluid was still up to par, because one reason for decels is low fluid.

Fluid looked great, so I just figured, no problem, she accidentally sat on her cord, and will be fine in the 2 hrs. The first 1.5 hrs she did GREAT!! The last THIRTY MINS of the monitoring she dropped 3 times. Great!! That got me 24 hrs of monitoring in the wonderful ante-partum unit.

I am officially  1hr from busting out of here now. We are finishing up my 24 hr urine to make sure my protein levels are ok and I am not pre-eclamptic, Phillippa behaved over night, and they were able to take me off the monitors aroun 11 this morning which was nice because I got NO SLEEP thanks to the belts and beeps and every time Pippa moved the nurse had to come and find her on the monitor again. LOL.

I was on a clear liquid diet last night "Just in case" they had to take me back for a c-section last night. I was opening my apple juice and looked down at the container:

Yes Stinker!!! May 25th is your scheduled c-section date. That is the day you are best by!! Don't even think about coming early!! 

Here is to praying that this was the most excitement we have between now and May 25th. I am willing to do whatever it take to get her here safe and sound, but after 24 hrs in the hospital, I have NO CLUE how women do bed rest for MONTHS. I am ready to bust out of here. 

Look forward to posting about the baby moon soon:-) 

Gender Reveal and Update: A Bit Anxious

If you missed the announcement on my facebook page, or don't happen to follow me, we did a sequel Short film to our pregnancy announcement video.

Needless to say, we are thrilled!!! Ava is so happy, and cannot wait to be a big sister. 

As for the anatomy scan. I can't believe it has been 3 weeks already!! For the most part everything looks ok. 

There was one point of concern. Babe has a marginal cord insertion just like Rosalynn had. 

What is a marginal cord insertion? 

Without boring you with all the medical jargon, a normal umbilical cord is inserted in the center of the placenta. In this case, the cord is inserted at the edge of the placenta. It happens in around 7% of pregnancies, usually when dealing with multiples. I guess I am just the lucky one who it has happened in 2/3 pregnancies. 

Of course this makes me incredibly anxious. I TRY not to think about it, but in the autopsy of Rosie's placenta, it was dead ON THE SIDE OF THE CORD INSERTION. Placentas dying towards the end of a pregnancy is not uncommon, but the center insertion allows the cord to draw from the rest of the healthy placenta. She didn't stand a chance because of the insertion point. 

According to the high risk doctor, it is a common occurrence, and and usually causes no issues. I begged her not to quote statistics and tell me everything SHOULD be ok. I am one of the people that makes a statistic a statistic.....I HAVE BEEN THE STATISTIC.

So what are we doing? Nothing different. We were already doing extra monitoring in the 3rd trimester, so we are just staying the course: U/S at 28 weeks and then every week at 30, then we have non stress tests starting at 30 weeks. Delivery at 35. 

Went in this past Weds, and baby still sounds great!! We get another u/s this next friday, and plan on bringing Ava, so she can see her little sister again:-) 

Anatomy Scan Tomorrow!!!

This past week has been the time in pregnancy that I wish I didn't know everything I do. Being in the baby loss community, and photographing babies who have a terminal diagnosis, I have seen and heard it all.

In my pregnancy groups, everyone is so excited about finding out the sex. Of course I am excited about that, but if it were up to me, I would wait till birth to find out (but I will explain this later). Instead of being focused on the sex, I am praying for a healthy baby.

This whole week I have had nightmares about the scan tomorrow. So far, my baby has had Limb Body Wall complex, no kidneys, CCHD, hydrops, and a stroke in utero. (Do not Google these things if you don't know what they are, some will scare you). Like I said, I have seen and heard to much!! I know the statistics are in my favor to have a healthy baby, but my anxiety and history of loss has me terrified. Please, if you think about it around 11:30 tomorrow, say a little prayer that everything is OK:-)

As for the sex. The reason I am finding out tomorrow is kind of morbid. We kept Rosalynn a surprise. We wanted to find out the day she was born. Well, I found out I was carrying a girl the day we found out her heartbeat stopped. The one thing I regret is she never heard my voice call her by name. So for Ava and this baby, I needed to find out so that if anything happened to them, they would hear me call them by name even if only ever through my belly.

I warned you: morbid. Ahhh how I wish I was naive through pregnancy again!!

Unfortunately for all of you, you won't know the sex of the baby for about another  two weeks. We need to film and edit the pregnancy reveal video. Hopefully Foster, Ava and I are able to keep the secret;-) lol

Past the Halfway Mark!!!

It is so strange having as close to a "normal" pregnancy as possible. I haven't written much because, well, there isn't much going on. As of today, I am past the half way mark in my pregnancy!! Delivery date set for May 25th, which puts that 17 weeks, 2 days away, and I am officially 17weeks, 5 days today:-)

The funny thing is, we started planning for our October trip to Disney for Ava's 5th birthday, and it has taken my mind off of being pregnant, which I think is helping the time go a lot faster!!

I have felt slight movements. I can feel "FitzPippa" pushing when he/she don't like how tight my waistband is, if I am too far on my belly while laying down, and when Ava sits on my lap and puts too much weight on my belly.
We find out the 5th what we are having, and going to have the anatomy scan!!! Prayers for a healthy baby!!!




Symptoms: Nausea still first thing in the morning if I don't eat within the first 30 mins of being awake.  But for the most part, the majority of 1st trimester symptoms have eased up. Some heartburn if I eat spicy foods.

Food cravings/aversions: Peanut butter and jelly sandwiches!! YUMMMMMM

Gender: next friday we find out if we are having a Fitz or a Pippa
Belly button in or out: Still in 

Stretch marks: TONS of old ones from Rosalynn and Avaleen, Really can't tell if there are new ones. I LITERALLY look like a zebra from my 2 girls. 

What I miss: sleeping without getting up 15 times to pee:-) 

What I am looking forward to: feeling stronger kicks and movements!! Next friday to find out the gender!!!

I will do a few more gender prediction tests before Friday...just for fun:-) 

HELLO 2nd Trimester!!

Wow!! Got really busy through the holidays!!
Christmas was amazing, spending time with family, resting, taking a break from work, spending extra time with Ava. It was so mice, I didn't want reality to start back up today.

I am OFFICIALLY in the SECOND TRIMESTER!!!  This past Wednesday I hit 14 weeks. Another milestone passed. It is a big step for most moms. The risk of miscarriage goes down, some moms start feeling baby move, the heartbeat becomes easier to pick up the heartbeat on doppler, etc. I live my pregnancies one milestone at a time, celebrating a new day, a new occasion in the pregnancy. Thanking God for another day/week/month with this sweet baby!!

It has been a little rough, because I was HOPING the symptoms would start easing up. Instead, I still throw up almost every day, and the migraines have started back up. I am trying to figure out what is causing them: hormones? certain foods? bad sleeping position? I have a chiropractic apt coming up, a massage apt next week, and TRYING to stay away from drugs to help them. I have been using peppermint oil which has been helping a LITTLE bit, but they are still pretty debilitating. Migraines are no joke, and I have always felt bad for my friends who suffered chronically from them, and this is why. It put me OUT. I can't play with Ava, can't be on my computer for work, barely want to talk to anyone, and have to stay away from lights:-(

I also started a "diet" (more eating habits) that is supposed to level out my blood sugars. Since headaches can be a sign of diabetes. The new eating schedule should help maintain my glycemic index. Hopefully this will help me feel better, but ALL I have craved this pregnancy is carbs: cereal and peanut butter sandwiches!! lol. (sweet cravings point towards girls right lol;-)

ANY suggestions will be taken into consideration, so please, lay it on me.

Hope everyone had an amazing Christmas season, and spent quality time with family, since that is truly what is most important!!!

12 Week Appointment and First MFM Meeting

As the U/S tech prepared the wand my heart started pounding. I always get so nervous that there won't be a heartbeat. But sure enough, a few seconds, and there it was!! Flickering away!! Baby jumped and and moved all over the place. It still blows my mind how much detail is seen when baby is only 2 inches long. Big forhead just like Ava, skinny arms and legs with hands and feet. It was hanging around upside down when we first started watching, so we got ot wait a while until he/she decided to lay on their back so the tech could get the measurements for the trisomy testing.

So far all the major issues that could be picked up this early are in the clear. Baby has a brain, all arms and legs, etc:-) The neck and nose measurements point towards no Trisomy problems. Next in depth scan is on Feb 3rd (where we will also find out the sex.

NOW.....you know me, I have all sorts of tests and theories on sex prior to finding out. I had the tech zoom in a bit to examine the "nub". She says she is really good at guessing gender with it. So she was 85-90% we are having a............

You will have to wait and see;-) LOL. (Adam and I are planning the gender reveal sequel to the pregnancy announcement). And we will confirm for sure sex here in a couple weeks.

I will post a picture, and you are all welcome to guess if you are good at reading nubs;-)

So after talking with the High Risk Doc, here is what we know, and our plans for this pregnancy:

Looking back at old labs, I was FOUR POINTS from having pre-eclampsia with Ava (My #s were 296 and Pre-E is 300). I turned in my 24 hour urine for analysis the day we gave birth to her. So the odds are if given a few more days, I would have developed Pre-E with her. In order to help prevent this from happening again, I have been put on a low dose aspirin, and will be getting a baseline 24 hr urine now.

We already did a gestational diabetes test at 10 weeks and I tested negative. But because I had it with Ava, we will be testing again around 18 weeks, then again at 24 weeks.

I will have an U/s every 4 weeks between now and 28 weeks, then every week to monitor amniotic fluid levels, since that was our reason for delivering Ava so early.

We will start non stress tests around 28-30 weeks twice a week.

DELIVERY AT 35 weeks (End of May).

I might as well set up a cot at my doctor's office;-) lol

I thank God every day that I have a team that is truly willing to do EVERYTHING possible to have this baby here and alive.

Here is my adorable, tiny babe:

Nerves are Setting In: 12 weeks

12 weeks:
Symptoms: Nausea in the morning with vomiting most mornings. Exhaustion, sore boobs, and need to pee ALL THE TIME. My gums have started bleeding again while brushing (I had this issue with both girls)

Food cravings/aversions: The problem is nothing sounds good. I eat for my health and the baby's, but i am having no real cravings, and I will cook something, then only take a few bites. 

Gender: Won't know for a while, but finally have names picked out: Fitzgerald Rose or Philippa Rose

Belly button in or out: Still in 

Stretch marks: TONS of old ones from Rosalynn and Avaleen, Really can't tell if there are new ones. I LITERALLY look like a zebra from my 2 girls. 

What I miss: My wedding rings. I had to take them off a lot earlier this time. I miss wine and sushi. lol but those things are easy to give up when you think of the end result. 

What I am looking forward to:
The scan tomorrow to see little bit is ok, and thriving. 

SOOOOOO close to the end of the first trimester! I know we have seen this babe 3 times, twice with a strong heartbeat, but I get soooo nervous before each ultrasound. Tomorrow we go in for the 12 week scan.The one where they take measurements to decide baby's risk for Downs Syndrome and other Trisomy disorders. 

Of course genetic issues are a worry. I help with a WONDERFUL ministry that assists perinatal hospice pregnancies (fatal diagnosis pregnancies) Sufficient Grace. I have seen it all. I am ALL too aware of all the problems that can arise. Neural Tube defects, anomalies there are no cures for, heart and kidney defects. UGH! Sometimes I wish I DIDN"T know so much. 

But then there is the fear that they will put the wand on my stomach and there is no HB. I have unfortunately heard those words when gestationally the odds were in our favor. This past week there have been NUMEROUS girls in my support group go in for their 12 week scan and baby had passed.

We get to meet with the High Risk doctor tomorrow as well and discuss the care plan. I am excited about this, and will update you all when we have information. 

Please just send prayers for peace in my heart, that baby is ok and healthy, and that we make it to the next milestone (2nd trimester). 

"6 Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving,

present your requests to God. 

7 And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus." Philippians 4:6-7

Here We Go Again!!! And A COOL Video!!PART 1

Wow!!! It has been a while!!! Life is life, it gets busy, especially while running 2 businesses, and raising a child.
Avaleen is doing amazing,

and I hope to be sharing LOTS of pictures and updates over the next 9 months. Why 9 months?!?!?!

WE ARE EXPECTING!!!!!

After 3 years of trying, 2 miscarriages (one Christmas of 2013, and one this past June 2015), meds that did more harm then good, and lots of prayer, Baby Foster #5 is on his or her way.

I used to write on this blog almost daily, and my long time friends and family will be familiar with this blog, but for those of you who I have met over the past couple years while this blog stayed dormant, browse, start at the beginning if you want to see why this little slice of personal space was started. But I warn you, bring tissues. It is sad, happy, dark, difficult, but through it all, there is hope, faith, love, and rainbows.

For those who have followed for years, and missed my ramblings, I am glad to be back, and will be doing the same for this baby as I did for Ava. Using this space to keep track and document this all too scary ride called pregnancy.

Unfortunately, as a baby loss mother, I know too well that a positive pregnancy test does NOT equal a living, screaming baby. Rosie taught me this, but she also taught me to embrace every moment, and be grateful for the time I DO have. This little nugget is already loved, and will be loved for every moment of its life weather that is for 10 weeks, or 80 years!!

So, how far?
10 weeks this Wednesday. We found out we were pregnant on Rosalynn's half birthday (Oct 20th).

How am I feeling?

Like utter crap. Pregnancy is not glamorous. This time I have morning/all day nausea and sickness, exhaustion, and OH migraines. This is a new symptom I have never had with either of my girls. I think it is a way for God to laugh at me and force me to take it easy. I am at the tail end of busy season for my photography business, and the migraines have put me a bit behind. I cannot do anything when i have one, much less stare at a computer screen for hours, and while most think the life of a photographer is glamorous,  80% is spent in front of the computer.

BUT although I feel like crap, I will take it!! Because the last 2 pregnancies I had very little symptoms, and they dissipated quickly, and the pregnancies both ended before I ever got to see a heartbeat.

What is the plan?

With Ava I was strictly with High Risk/Maternal Fetal Medicine. This time we are going to keep them as consulting and stay with my regular OBGYN. But the plan so FAR is to still deliver around 35 weeks. We will see how that goes.

Well, this is a long post, and I could go on further, but I will leave you with this, our video short film pregnancy announcement!!! Starring miss Avaleen;-)

On our next update: first U/S pics, first gender prediction test,  and pictures of the soon to be big sister:-)

PS: waiting to get my old blog template back, so please disregard the temporary one:-)

Healing the Wound?

An interesting topic has been broached a few times in the past couple weeks.

Has the birth of Ava helped my healing process?

This is a really difficult question to answer. I have replied "yes" to those who have asked simply because I don't know how to adequately explain to them why I don't think it has.

Am I truly in love? Of course! Am I grateful that Avaleen is here and healthy and wakes me up with her cries at night? Absolutely! Has she healed the wound caused by the death of Rosalynn? No.

Yes, the empty arms and nursery are full, however, to say the birth of my second daughter has helped heal the wound of Rosie's death is like putting a band aide on an amputated leg and saying it is healed. Of course my life seems more full, but my first born is still gone, and with her, that piece of my heart will always be missing until we are reunited in heaven.

I have love in my heart enough for both of my girls, just like any mother with multiple children. I just pray that no one thinks that my rainbow "negates the ravages of the storm that preceded it". There is a family member missing still. Her presence will be missed at every holiday, every family function, and every milestone that Ava hits we will have missed the opportunity to watch Rosie hit the same milestones. No matter how many children we have, there will always be one less face missing from the family photos, one less sporting event to attend, one less graduation, and one less chance for Foster to walk his daughter down the isle.

If anything, this new rainbow journey we are on has reopened the wound WIDE. I have cried more in the past 2 weeks than I have the past 6 months over Rosalynn's passing. How screwed up is it that I had to bring Ava to the cemetery to "introduce" her to her older sister? I should have been introducing them here in our home when we brought Ava home from the NICU. However, the life of a Baby Loss Mother and her family will never be that of a "normal" family's. My daughter will be raised to "know" a sister she has never met, she will have books like "Someone came Before You" along with "Goodnight Moon", and she will attend balloon releases and Memorial Walks on October 15th.

So has Ava's birth healed any of the wound from Rosie? I guess the short answer is no.

The New Addition to Our Family

"How is it that someone who weights less than 6 lbs. makes soooo many major decisions in our life?"

This is the question Foster asked after Ava being home for less than a week. I told him he better get used to it, because she will be the reason behind most of our choices from here on out.

We waited till the last minute to get her car seat installed into the car. Call it superstition, call it procrastination, but it wasn't installed until AFTER I had her and she was in the NICU waiting to come home. When I plopped myself into the passenger seat on the Monday I was released, and my knees were in my nose, we realized very quickly that a Toyota Corolla was NOT the car for a growing family.

Last Sunday Foster, Ava and I started the process of looking for a new car. We have 3 cars with no car payments. 2 Corollas, and a 2006 Nissan Frontier truck that is my husband's baby. We had a slight problem. He didn't want to get rid of his truck, and we wanted to keep at least one of the Corollas because he drives almost 30 miles to work every day and you can't beat 40 mpg that the Corolla gets. So we only wanted to get rid of one of our Corollas.

We didn't know what kind of car we wanted. Did we want a station wagon, a mini van, SUV or a nice big sedan? I had to think that I will be watching JJ's son while she works so would need a large enough back seat to fit TWO car seats.

After looking Sunday and Monday, we were convinced that we wanted the Nissan Rogue. We love Nissans, and the Rouge was a nice SUV that got decent gas mileage. For the first time we were looking at having a car payment. This was not ideal for us because for one, I will only be working in January and then becoming a full time mom after that. I still have my photography, but that is not a guarantee steady income. Plus, we just don't like having a lot of debt, and would rather invest our money into retirement or something that can give us a return on our money, not a car that loses value as soon as we drive it off the lot. However, we had resigned to the fact that it was unavoidable this time around, because although we had a large downpayment, we could not afford to pay $20,000+ cash for a car. We had come up with a down payment, and the monthly payment we could afford, and then we headed out Tuesday to check out a few Rouges we had found nearby.

We were unimpressed by the Rouges we saw. A couple smelled like cigarette smoke, and one had a weird shake up front when we hit the brakes (and it was only a 2010!!). We started to head home when Foster wanted to stop by one more dealership. I had to feed Ava and change her diaper and as soon as I finished Foster came up to me SOOOOO excited! He found a Hybrid SUV that he wanted, and the price was completely reasonable. After talking it over with the salesman, doing some consumer reports research on one of their computers, talking him down a little on the price, and getting a quote on our trade in, we walked out with a new (to us) SUV and our out of pocket expense was LESS than what we were planning on putting down on the Rouge!!!

That's right! We STILL don't have a car payment!!! And THIS is our new car:

Saturn Vue Hybrid!!!

Heading Home....Me, not Ava:-(

It is amazing how awake and happy I can be on such little sleep! I am completely enamored by my little princess, and try to spend as much time with her as possible. So I apologize in advance if some of this makes no sense.

It looks like I will be released today. Unfortunately, Ava will have to stay a little longer. She is doing WONDERFUL, however. She is off her oxygen again, and on room air, she had all of her IV lines take out yesterday, and she should be going into an open crib today!!

My milk came in and it looks like I am already keeping up with my little porker! She is taking 40+ ml of breast milk each feeding, and i am pumping 50+ each session. When we have kangaroo time (skin to skin cuddle time for 1 hour), I pump almost 80 ml after that!! It is  amazing how in tuned the baby and mom are and how their bodies react to each other! Did you know that holding her against my chest, my body naturally regulates her body temp? and if I were to have twins and hold one on each bare breast, each breast would regulate each twin's body temperature?!? amazing!!

Any way, we are slowly trying to get her used to breast feeding, and she know WHAT to do, she just doesn't like how much work it takes to get it done. The lactation specialist says this is completely normal for a preemie, since it takes a lot out of them to feed. She told me not to get too frustrated until she gets closer to her due date. So we still practice, but her feedings are still through bottle, but with PLENTY of my milk!!

Bug got to feed her and snuggle with Ava last night because she worked. I am so glad they are getting their bonding time! It will definitely make it easier to leave the hospital tonight knowing Bug will be working:-)

Things are going well, and I feel like the most blessed woman on earth!!

Our Growing Girl!

 My precious baby girl is growing strong. She lost 10% of her body weight already, and was 5lb5oz yesterday, but the way she is eating she will gain it back in NO time. Ava came off her tube the first night around 2AM, and went right onto room air! This only lasted for about 12 hours. She then had to go onto a nasal cannula at the lowest setting because she wasn't keeping her oxygen above 95%. She is eating like a champ! She eats fast, burps fast, and then falls right to sleep on either Foster or my chest.

It is amazing the little quirks she already has picked up. She snores like me (not really a snore, but a clicking in the back of her throat), she frowns like Foster and furrows her brow, and she doesn't really CRY, she whines, and squeaks.

I love her so much! I just am praying she gets to come home with us. It would be hard to walk out of the hospital AGAIN without a baby. However, I would feel better this time, especially knowing that she is with her Auntie Bug in the NICU.

The emotional aspect has taken its toll on me a bit. It was probably a combination of hormones, exhaustion, and memories, but I cried ALOT last night for my Rosalynn. I miss her. I am soooooo blessed and happy to be holding my beautiful rainbow baby, but the memories of our first born that will never be, makes me sad. We never got to do any of this with Rosalynn, and I will love EVERY moment with Avaleen and will never take a moment for granted.

Here are a few pictures:-)

Foster feeding his baby girl. I am sooo happy to see him as a father to an angel here on earth!!

burping Ava

Snuggling with Ava....then repeat 3 hours later:-)

Well, I am going to pump again, and then head down for feeding and kangaroo time! THank you all for the prayers and support! We all appreciate every one of them.

LAZY Baby Getting Evicted!!

I had another Non-Stress Test (NST) today. I have them every Monday and Thursday from now on. It is a lot of trips to the doctors, but I love every minute of sitting in the recliner listening to my baby girl's heart beat.

Today she was lazy...AGAIN! Once again her heart rate was hanging out in the 130s and it looked like a solid flat line across the monitor strip. She also have VERY FEW fetal movement marks. I think in 20 minutes there were MAYBE 4 tick marks. Once again, the "mean nurse" (she really isn't mean, but if this continues, Ava will begin to think she is) used the noise maker on my belly, making my poor little girl jump and her heart rate accelerate. She HATES that, cause once you wake her up, she throws a FIT! She went on to pass the test and we waited for the doctor.

I have not seen him in 2 weeks. He has been on vacation and I have had the pleasure of meeting some of the other doctors. However, I had not gotten the chance to tell Dr. C that I wanted to forgo the amnio and just deliver at 36 weeks. Plus, we had not set an OFFICIAL day. Of course, I could predict it would be around the 20th (my 36 week mark) but no guarantee he would be available. Since I have a few family members who are teachers, and Foster needs to put in request for official leave, I needed to nail down a date with Dr. C.

Turns out he would not be available the 20th. In fact, he is going to be in Florida. "Would you be willing to wait until Monday?" he asked. I am positive the look on my face said it all, "I take that as a no. It would be 36weeks 4days."

"Dr. C! You know from 34 weeks, 5days to 36 weeks is going to be hard enough. making me hold out 4 more days would be TORTURE!!!" I exclaimed. 1 week and 2 days of feeling like I am pressing my luck will be hard. I will officially be the most pregnant I have ever been, and I am not sure how I will handle those 9 days. If I wasn't pregnant, I would say I would be drinking LOTS of alcoholic beverages and sleep through those 9 days, but since I can't, I guess lots of family time and photo shoots are in order.

"Ok, ok. Well, I can check my partner's schedule and let you know what he has available. Which day did you want?"

"If you don't mind, I would like October 20th. It will officially be Rosalynn's 18 month Angelversary. We can celebrate her angelversary with the birth of her rainbow sister," I said with tears welling up in my eyes.

"I think that can be arranged." No questions, no trying to convince me to give her more time baking, just pure understanding. I think when he told me the story of his grandmother losing a baby to stillbirth, he really takes cases like mine to heart. I was SURE he would be one of those doctors that talk in the beginning of early deliveries but once the date approached, he would either flat out refuse to do it, or try to convince me otherwise. I AM extremely bummed that he will not get the opportunity to take part in the end moment...the emotional, happy moment of bringing this rainbow into the world, but I am sure he will get to see her either in the hospital when he gets back on the 24th OR at my first post-partum appointment. I have already been threatened with bodily harm by more than one of the nurses if I don't bring miss Ava in with me to my post-partum appointments.

I wanted to get up and kiss this man!

So it is official. 3 weeks from today, October 20th on Rosalynn's 18 month angelversary, Foster, myself, MANY family members, friends and all of you praying for us will be welcoming little miss Avaleen Rose Foster into the world.

Keep the prayers coming. 3 weeks from today I will be able to  breathe (hopefully) for the first time in 36 weeks.

**Oh, by the way, I think I found a way to make this little girl move for her NSTs. I have been playing Rosie's music (playing at the bottom of this blog) right up near my belly all evening, and Ava LOVES it!! She has been moving the whole time. Note to self....bring music to the NSTs:-)

32 Weeks (a little late)

I really didn't mean to skip posting for week 32, the time has just gotten away from me!

Today I am 32w4d and a little over three weeks away from my c-section. According to my dreams, I think I am getting a little anxious about not being entirely prepared for this child. Last night I had a dream my water broke, and Foster and I scrambled around trying to get our hospital bag together. I have not packed a thing!

Today, during my nap before work, I had a dream that I had twins, got home, and had NOTHING. I was breastfeeding in the tub for some reason, and the baby girl was a whole month older than the baby boy. Very strange! I don't need a dream analyst to know that my subconscious is worried about my unpreparedness.

I have upped my appointments to twice a week. We now have Non stress tests (NST) on Mondays and Thursdays. Last Thursday, at my 32 week appointment, I also had a growth ultra sound. Avaleen is weighing in at a whopping 4lbs6oz. EXACTLY on track for her gestational age. The funny part was that she was measuring in at 33 weeks because of her legs. That's right, she is a LONG baby! She is measuring in the 50% in every other category, but 87% for length. I am going to have one long and lean baby girl. Of course, my nickname as a little girl was "long and Lean Erin Kathleen".  She was moving her mouth (no surprise there with me being her mother) and moving her eyebrows, and she has HAIR!!!

She has been passing her NSTs with flying colors. Until today. She still passed, don't worry, but she was being LAZY!! I think we caught her in the middle of a nap. Her heart rate looked like a solid flat line, staying consistently in the 130s, and she only had a few ticks on the fetal movement. They like to see so many accelerations in 30 mins, and so many movements. It was a rainy day, and I don't blame her for wanting to sleep. So the nurse reached into a drawer and pulled out what looked like a little massager. She put it on my belly and it vibrated and made this loud, goofy noise. I was NOT expecting it, since they have never had to use it before on me, and I jumped, and so did Ava. She was MAD!! She is like her dad, and does NOT like to woken up! She kicked, and punched, and her heart rate went up the way they wanted to, but I could tell she was not happy. I will just have to make it clear to her when she gets out that it was NOT me who did that;-)

The anxiety is still here. Following me around like a black cloud. I wish this was easier, but such is the life of pregnancy after loss. I will be going off of work @ 34 weeks. I know the delivery is not until 36 weeks, but I need that time to myself to prepare, grieve, worry, and spend time staying busy. Maybe I can work a few more photo shoots in.

My doctor is very aware of my heightened anxiety, and has extended the invitation to stop in as many times as I need between now and the delivery. He says he would rather put my mind at ease then have me worrying at home. God love him!

Foster and I HAVE made progress on the nursery. I have hung shelves....well, I watched Foster hang shelves, folded and put away some of her clothes, hung the clothes that needed to be hung, and even hung a cute set of hooks on the wall that will hold a pony bridle, cowboy hat, bolo tie and dinner bell....just wait, it is adorable! I WILL post pictures as soon as the rest is done.

"Life's Not Fair"~ Foster

As you can imagine, or at least my BLM moms who have carried a rainbow can imagine, my anxiety is starting to creep up. I have moments where it consumes me.

This morning as I was driving home from work, I started crying. My car rides home from work are usually my time to reflect, and often cry. Tears were streaming down my eyes out of anger this time. I was angry at the fact that Foster and I even have to be in a situation of such anxiety and stress.

I am in a strange place in regards to the other pregnant women around me. I feel a complete disconnect from those that are naively awaiting their little ones, those that will never know the reality of a dead baby. I am jealous.

As my pregnant friends are trying to decide how many onsies and diapers and which things to put on their registries, I am keeping all my purchases in a corner with the receipts...."just in case". The only items I have washed and put away are the ones that are non-returnable or were previously washed or purchased before Rosie passed.

They are getting anxious about the new addition to their family. They are wondering how they will juggle this little bundle of joy along with work, their other kids, finances, and how they will deal with the lack of sleep. I am just praying every night that I get to bring this child home, that I will get the opportunity to experience the sleepless nights.

Their biggest concerns right now is what type of delivery they will have, if they will go natural or have the dreaded c-section. I am just praying we make it to my c-section date!

As they are stressing over decor for the nursery, I am TRYING to get my nursery together, but at the same time, have the plot at the cemetery picked out in the event Ava will be sleeping there instead. I am hoping that my aunt, uncle and mom would agree to let her lay with my grandfather next to my grandmother so that she is next to Rosalynn. I know...I KNOW....morbid. But these are the thoughts of a Babyloss mom.

So as I drove home listening to "She Just thinks We're Fishin", I started pleading with God that Foster gets the chance to do these sorts of things with Ava. He confided in me the other morning that he is "Already falling in love with her." I don't want to let him down! I don't want to disappoint him again.

I am aware that Rosie's passing was not my fault, but it was my responsibility to keep her safe, my body's JOB to nourish and protect her, and it failed....I failed.

Realistically and statistically, I KNOW the odds of this happening again are soooooo slim, but it can happen...it DOES happen. As I sit here, Avaleen is kicking away, as if to tell me that everything will be alright; truth be told, I, along with a lot of you, have a great feeling about this little one. (And now I want to erase that sentence for fear I just jinxed myself). However, it angers me about how unfair it is that these thoughts have to even run through my head, that I even have to stress over losing another child. But as Foster said before kissing me goodbye this morning, "Life isn't fair, honey."

31 weeks...5 weeks to go!!!

WOW!! It has been a WHILE since I last wrote. I think part of the problem is because I have fallen into the anxiety phase of a rainbow pregnancy. We are approaching 34weeks and 5 days VERY quickly, and my mood and actions are starting to reflect it. I have become a recluse. I don't want to talk on the phone, I don't feel like hanging out with anyone, but at the same time I am trying to keep myself as busy as possible.

I had my 31 week appointment today including a Non Stress Test (NST). Avaleen passed with flying colors. There was a short 1-2 second period where her heart rate dropped to the 80-90 range. Of course this concerned me, but the doctor said that is completely normal, it is when it happens multiple times in the 30 minutes where they become concerned. Her heart was a steady, strong 140 or above the rest of the time, and she was soooooo active.


Dr. C surprised me today. I am really starting to love this man. I know that we started off on shaky ground, but he is showing his good side...his understanding and compassionate side lately. We started talking about the delivery. This is what he said, "I want to let you know that this isn't going to  be easy. Emotionally I mean. You are going to be soooo happy when Ava makes it here crying and alive, but then you are going to start grieving Rosalynn all over again. It is a VERY emotional situation...the birth after a late term loss." Then he looked at Foster and said, "The best thing for you to do is just be supportive, because it may not make sense to you why one minute she will be crying out of happiness and joy and the next out of guilt and resentment for not having this with your first daughter."

Amazing....this man is amazing. He gets it. He understands the emotions that I am and will be feeling. God love him!

We talked amnio. He asked me if I even wanted it, because he was willing to just take her at 36 weeks. I told him I would like one at 35. He said there is a 50/50 chance of her being ready at 35 weeks and as long as I was ready to walk away and go home for one week if the test came back that she wasn't ready, then he was more than willing to do it. I said I was, that I was already mentally preparing myself to go home for a week, but if she IS ready at 35 weeks, GREAT!! If not, no later than 36, he won't even repeat the test, just go in and take her. That means that it is official!! In no more than 5 weeks our little girl will be coming into the world!! 5 weeks...35 days! I honestly think she is destined to come on the 20th of October...it will be her sister's 18 month angelversary.

Your prayers are working! Please keep them coming for at least 5 more weeks. I thank every single one of you for the love and support that you have shown us over the past ALMOST 18 months. It has been a God send. I don't know how I would have survived the pain of losing Rosalynn and now the anxiety of carrying my rainbow without you.

31 week pictures: 

People have said I don't look 31 weeks...the heck I don't!! lol...but my butt IS getting smaller!! Go me! lol

My baby Avaleen...i don't think my aunt knew how true this shirt would be when she bought it for me during my last pregnancy. Ava truly will be a little Irish miracle!!