As you can imagine, or at least my BLM moms who have carried a rainbow can imagine, my anxiety is starting to creep up. I have moments where it consumes me.
This morning as I was driving home from work, I started crying. My car rides home from work are usually my time to reflect, and often cry. Tears were streaming down my eyes out of anger this time. I was angry at the fact that Foster and I even have to be in a situation of such anxiety and stress.
I am in a strange place in regards to the other pregnant women around me. I feel a complete disconnect from those that are naively awaiting their little ones, those that will never know the reality of a dead baby. I am jealous.
As my pregnant friends are trying to decide how many onsies and diapers and which things to put on their registries, I am keeping all my purchases in a corner with the receipts...."just in case". The only items I have washed and put away are the ones that are non-returnable or were previously washed or purchased before Rosie passed.
They are getting anxious about the new addition to their family. They are wondering how they will juggle this little bundle of joy along with work, their other kids, finances, and how they will deal with the lack of sleep. I am just praying every night that I get to bring this child home, that I will get the opportunity to experience the sleepless nights.
Their biggest concerns right now is what type of delivery they will have, if they will go natural or have the dreaded c-section. I am just praying we make it to my c-section date!
As they are stressing over decor for the nursery, I am TRYING to get my nursery together, but at the same time, have the plot at the cemetery picked out in the event Ava will be sleeping there instead. I am hoping that my aunt, uncle and mom would agree to let her lay with my grandfather next to my grandmother so that she is next to Rosalynn. I know...I KNOW....morbid. But these are the thoughts of a Babyloss mom.
So as I drove home listening to "She Just thinks We're Fishin", I started pleading with God that Foster gets the chance to do these sorts of things with Ava. He confided in me the other morning that he is "Already falling in love with her." I don't want to let him down! I don't want to disappoint him again.
I am aware that Rosie's passing was not my fault, but it was my responsibility to keep her safe, my body's JOB to nourish and protect her, and it failed....I failed.
Realistically and statistically, I KNOW the odds of this happening again are soooooo slim, but it can happen...it DOES happen. As I sit here, Avaleen is kicking away, as if to tell me that everything will be alright; truth be told, I, along with a lot of you, have a great feeling about this little one. (And now I want to erase that sentence for fear I just jinxed myself). However, it angers me about how unfair it is that these thoughts have to even run through my head, that I even have to stress over losing another child. But as Foster said before kissing me goodbye this morning, "Life isn't fair, honey."
The Dark Days
1 year ago
6 comments:
I came here from the BLM Bloggers group on Facebook. I totally understand. My morbid thought (always makes me feel a bit better to hear someone else say it): I had the funeral home picked out, should we need it. The anxiety is overwhelming. For me, it wasn't really better until Anders was here safely. Rest and pray, if you are a praying person. These are the words I prayed and meditated on throughout my whole rainbow pregnancy, and still when I feel overwhelmed:
Do not be anxious about anything but in everything, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And the peace of God which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and minds in Jesus Christ.
Phillipians 4:6-7
For God did not give us a spirit of fear, but a spirit of power, love and a strong mind.
II Timothy 1:7
Hugs to you!
Dear friend, I know!!! I know!! I know!!!
Same fears, same worries...same anxiety and same realistic view (hated it when people told me, "Think positive! Have Faith! It's going to be fine!" I wanted to scream at them that I WAS all those things and Matthew STILL DIED!)...you are right...people lose more than one child all the time, sadly, and it's heartbreaking. We are in a world where we know that all too well.
SO...here's all I could do...I just cherished every second I could. I kept telling myself, "MOST babies come home. MOST babies come home. MOST babies come home." Because really, they do. They do. It doesn't help to hear that when YOURS didn't, but most do and I just knew that no matter what, I was grateful for each second with Luke. I accepted that whether he lived or died, I'd NEVER stop worrying--my last breath will be my last worry, even though he is happy, healthy and sweet as pudding right now. That's parenting, and it's completely real whether we are parenting our dead children, or our growing and living children--am I honoring my first-born enough? Does he know how much I loved him? Did I TRULY do everything I could?
My point is that parenting is just full of opportunity for worry and I just try each day to make the conscious choice to not allow my worry and my guilt to steal my joy! I love Karin's post--II Timothy 1:7! I think I just felt like I needed to have resolve that NO ONE was going to steal my joy over my sweet little Luke and as hard as that was (says the woman who popped pieces of candy every 30 minutes just to make him move right up until he was born!), I felt like I owed it to Luke and to myself.
And honestly, when I was overwhelmed with fear (and like Karin, still now), I'd simply pray, "Lord, have mercy." Have mercy on my heart. Have mercy on my fears. Have mercy on me and my worries.
And I held on to the hope. That's all I think we can do...just hold on to the hope. Sending you lots of love!!!!!!!!!
You are def NOT alone in this Erin!! I was totally where you are just a year ago. I was very anxious and the closer it got to perhaps delivering her the more anxious I got. Thank God I had some sort of peace when labor finally set in. Well, maybe peace isn't the right word. I guess my focus was more elsewhere but I still hoped and prayed even during labor and delivery that she would come out ok it just wasn't as heavy as the previous weeks leading up.
My mind entertained thoughts of what ifs. Like what we would do this time as far as keepsakes, or the service, and I was even content in knowing we had bought extra plots and we could get more if needed.
I think the verses Karin gave are good ones to meditate on. Although I didn't do a lot of meditating on anything! Just a lot of quick prayers to God for everything to be ok!!
It sucks having to worry and be anxious about such things. I wish things could be all innocent again for all of us. I waited to do a lot of things til closer to her due date, which was prolly still earlier than some people but later than I usually would!
I think you just spoke for all of us when you wrote this! It's easier said than done when trying to NOT stress about such fears. Heck, even when Samuel was born (alive!), I still had my doubts and was shaking from the shock of it all. I know I'm one of those examples no one wants to hear about since I've been through it several times over, but we can only hope and pray that sweet Avaleen will be here soon -- happy and healthy!!! It won't be long! :)
Erin, although I read your blog I have been a very poor commenter. I am sorry for the omission of whatever comfort I might have imparted to you earlier, and didn't.
I certainly understand your anxiety, and planning on where to bury your baby sounds SO familiar. This is not crazy, this is real life for we who have lost children. I had a whole list of what I would do at my Rainbow's funeral (if he died) and of course, I saved all the receipts & washed nothing. We didn't even get a crib until I was in the hospital & he had already been born. All we could cling to was the Lord and trust that He would get me through that hard pregnancy and a subsequent one that was even harder.
We made it but not without nearly driving ourselves nuts with worry. I understand your pain and you have been on my prayer list for months. Praying that little Ava is in your arms safely as soon as she can be safely delivered. (((HUGS)))
As we all know, life is just not about what we want.. . it is about surviving when it all just happens the way things tend to do.
I hate that we have all lost that naive belief in life, pregnancy and birth. Babies don't always get to wear the cute clothes or sleep in the nursery. AND THAT IS JUST SO WRONG!
Oh sweetie, I have been where you are, and it is hard. Try and live in the moment (when that is even possible) and one day, I hope that we all can oooo and aaaa over this new precious life that you are growing. This little person is yours and you are theirs ~ your stuck with one another and regardless of 'what may come' ~ life has a way of going forth. SO, I will pray for some kind of peace for you. Some kind of assurance that we all BLM need in spite of our doubts and stress.
You are so close to the end and this being a memory. Try and think of this hard time as a memory that will soon pass and be replaced by wonderful new memories of this little one.
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