First I will start this post by saying EVERYTHING IS GREAT...just so my Mom and MIL don't have a heart attack when they read this.
Saturday was a BUSY day. Foster and I finally got motivated to clean the house. We cleaned from top to bottom which had not been done in at least 3 weeks. You know when stuff builds up and builds up and then it leaves you so overwhelmed yo don't know where to start....so you just don't? That is how I had been feeling about the house lately, so it was getting neglected. Plus, with our trip and how busy we have been, there has been no time.
3 hours we cleaned. It was exhausting, but sooo fulfilling to walk through a CLEAN house for at least 24 hours.
After the cleaning binge, we attended our annual neighborhood block party. The temperature index was over 100 degrees, but we still had a lot of fun. There were water balloon tossing contests, face painting, food, and even the local fire department showed up to hang show off the engine to the kids.
I guess all three of us had too much fun. Foster and I woke up Sunday lethargic and sluggish. We got ready for church and headed out. I noticed about 5 minutes into mass that I had not felt Ava move since I woke up around 7am to pee and started to get a little nervous. I figured, no big deal, I would just pay close attention during mass, because she usually perked up and kicked while I was singing.
No such luck. She was quiet. My anxiety started to increase. Foster and I were going to head to our Sunday brunch spot, but he wanted to stop off at home to put some items in the garage since it looked like the sky was going to open up at any moment and dump rain on us. I decided to take the opportunity to use my Doppler to put my mind at ease. As soon as I placed the probe on my stomach, I heard her heartbeat good and strong at a 140 beats per minute. All of the sudden it dropped. It was still there, and distinctly hers, but it slowed down to a point that my doppler was reading 40-60. It was NOT mine, mine was in the 90-100s because I was so anxious. I waited for it to go back up, searched for a faster heart beat with no avail.
I called my doctor. I felt so bad calling on a Sunday. As soon as I explained the situation, he mentioned that the movement was more of a concern for him than the doppler, and the decrease in movement was enough for me to go in and get a Non Stress Test. He said not to worry, because it could be a small malfunctioning in the doppler, and not to panic, but to make my way into L&D.
Foster and I headed to the hospital.
As we were driving, I felt a SLIGHT flutter, so my mind was put slightly at ease knowing that at least if something was wrong, she was still alive, and they could do something about it. However, a feeling of deja vu started to play over in my head. The most ridiculous thought crossed my mind, "If the desk lady tries to hand me the pediatrician list, I may lose it." You see, when we went in for Rosalynn, the sign in lady asked us if we had picked a pediatrician. We said no, and she handed us the list. I have purposefully avoiding looking at that list again for fear of planning too much and jinxing us.
We signed in, and of course the lady asked the question, "Do you have a pediatrician?" and started handing me the list.
"NO...TAKE IT BACK!" I snapped at her, "I don't want to see that list!"
Foster calmly told the lady we would pick a pediatrician when we felt it was necessary. Poor woman looked so confused, and I was on the verge of tears. I truly felt bad for her, but sometimes the weirdest things trigger babyloss parents, and for some reason that list did it to me.
She walked us back to the room, and I had to ask Foster if it was "the room" before I entered. He shook his head and pointed two doors down. "Thank God," I muttered as I headed in.
It seemed to take FOREVER for the nurse to come in, and I was dreading the search for Ava's heartbeat. Luckily, she found it right away. It was her nice, usual, STRONG 140. I breathed a sigh and thanked her profusely.
Now, I have one question....WHY DO I HAVE TO REPEAT MY HISTORY EVERY TIME I GO TO THIS HOSPITAL?!?!? They enter all the information into the computer, you would THINK it would pop up when they pull up my info. BUT NOOOOOO...after finding Ava, we had to go through my entire history again. It is painstaking, and heartbreaking. I have gotten so used to talking about it, I almost feel like I sound cold and medical when I recount everything that happened. Almost as if I turn the medic mind on and the mommy mind off.
We sat and listened to our daughter's heartbeat for almost an hour. She was really still for the first 20-30 minutes, and then all of the sudden started dancing away. It was as if she just wanted to sleep in until 1:30 PM, and then she just woke up as if nothing was wrong. What a punk!
There were only a few normal decelerations in her heartbeat around 120, but that is still fine, and the doctor was pleased with everything. He also did a quick u/s to check my fluid levels, and they looked great too. The doctors and nurses were sooooo understanding. Not a single one made me feel crazy, and they even expressed to me that if I EVER had a concern to feel free to come in and see them or call them. They all said they would have done the same in my situation.
Foster was great. I felt guilty for unnecessarily worrying him. He never expressed his anxiety, but I knew it was there, because the second the heartbeat was on that monitor, he relaxed....and fell asleep to the thumping of his daughter's heartbeat. He woke up and said, "WOW! That was a great nap!".
I looked at the clock and laughed, "Honey, you were only asleep for 8 minutes!"
I guess the 8 minute nap is all he needed to feel refreshed. However, after all was cleared and we were waiting for discharge papers, time started to drag. He started to get antsy and agitated. He was hungry and tired. I just had to keep reminding him that although it was taking a while, at least we were not planning a surgery and 4 day stay because our daughter was gone.
Although it was scary, and triggered some STRONG memories and emotions, I am glad it happened now. Instead of all bad memories of that place, I am starting to build good memories. When I go in to deliver Ava, hopefully all the anxiety associated with L&D is gone, and we can just focus on the future without our last experience hanging over our head.
Personally, I think 29w3d is GREAT for my first freak out session....hopefully it will be the last, but I wouldn't be surprised if it is not;-)
Well Here's a Huge Update
2 months ago