What are the odds??

I truly cannot believe it has been over TEN YEARS since my sweet Rosie went up to heaven. It blows my mind!! This life has been a roller coaster ever since. It has been filled with scary births, wonderful moments with my rainbow babies, Foster and I becoming stronger in our relations ship and closer to Christ.
For those of you who don't know about my latest endeavor...2 years ago I decided to go back to nursing school. It is something I started 20 years ago, life happened, and I never got to finish. I have been attending birth photography sessions over the past 10 years, and the thing i thought every time I was in the delivery room, is how I wanted to experience the miracle of birth every day of my life. How you TRULY feel that is the moment when heaven meets earth and God's love and hope for the human race continues. Any of you who have experienced or witnessed a birth probably has felt a similar rush of hope when the baby comes out screaming and the parents cry and everyone is just overwhelmed with emotion.  

So 2 yrs ago Foster and I were sitting in a local Indian restaurant, and I told him I had been feeling restless. Life was normal. House was remodeled, business was thriving, both kids in daycare or school, dinner on the table most nights by 6:30 pm...the "picture perfect" life/family. But I was restless. I was feeling a stirring that my "story" was not done. That God was not done with me and my journey. I wanted to go back to school.

Here is how the conversation went:

Me: "Honey, I am bored. I need something. I have felt a restlessness that I feel God has something for me to pursue."

Foster: Ever the loving, supportive husband to my sometimes CRAZY ideas, "OK.....what is it you want to do?"

Me: "I think I want to go back to nursing school."

Foster: "OK...well have you researched schools, how much? How long? What specifically do you want to do?"

You see he is always the level headed one. I get a harebrained idea and he pulls me back down to earth to have me do it right....to  research what I need to do to accomplish my goal. He is more analytical than me....I just go with the flow and where I feel I am being pulled.

Me: "Nope, I haven't looked. BUT I know what I want to do. I want to work where Rosie was born. I want to be a labor and delivery nurse. I want to help other families suffering the same type of loss as we did. I want to be a light in there darkest moments."

Foster: "Do you think you would be able to handle it? Emotionally?"

Me: "Yes I feel like I am in the perfect place in my life to help instead of it hurting me. It has been 8.5 years, and while I miss her EVERY DAY, I am at peace about it, and know I will get to hold her in my arms eventually. But until then, I want to help. Plus, let's face it, labor and delivery is great unit to be a part of! So much joy with some pain. What better place to be every day for work!!"

Foster: "Ok, do the research and lets figure it out."

So I started researching. I knew there were some great nursing schools within close proximity. I had a TON of credits from the first round of nursing school I attempted 20 yrs ago, and just prayed the credits would still transfer. I had hear horror stories of credits expiring after 5 yrs and did NOT want to retake all the maths and sciences, etc. I also had experience as an army medic, and although I knew most schools did not offer credits for time served, potentially the classes taken to become an EMT-B would help. So I started my google search. 

The school I found almost immediately seemed way too good to be true. It typically had a 1-2 yr waiting list to get into their nursing program, but they had just started a new program. One that encouraged paramedics and ARMY MEDICS to attend their nursing school, and they would give you credits towards TWO of their nursing classes, and you would have to take a 2 credit hour bridge course instead. This course is the same course the LPNs take before attending the RN courses. And they were accepting applications for their FIRST GROUP to start that fall! What are the odds? 

So I immediately submitted an application and started gathering all of my transcripts and such....then I waited.

After my application was received, a admissions person called me. He needed transcripts from 2 of my schools and my high school. Which I quickly provided for him. But then he told me it could take up to 6-8 weeks to process the transcripts, and not to expect to start school until January. I was BUMMED. The PERFECT situation....the PERFECT in for a great nursing school, and transcript processing may keep me back from starting in fall. This was July 2nd when I spoke to him. 

July 5th Foster and I were sitting in the living room enjoying an extra day off for him and I received a phone call. My transcripts had been processed, and I could go talk to an academic advisor to start the nursing school process. HOLY CRAP.....

I called the advisors office, they said they had a cancellation, so therefore an opening at 11:30 AM THAT DAY to talk and get the ball rolling (it was currently 10:30 AM). I looked at Foster, and he said, "Go for it! I will stay home with the girls." What are the odds?

Embarrassing moment from this visit:

I got in the elevator to head home after my meeting, and a girl in the elevator greeted me and then proceeded to ask if I was an instructor there.....okay, okay, I get it, I am old...lol. (36 at this point).

So now the finances. LUCKILY, the school I chose is a local community college. They are SOOO much cheaper to attend than any huge university. I did the math, since I only had to go 8-9 credit hours a semester because I ONLY had to take the nursing courses (remember all those credits...they transferred and saved me SOOOO much time and $$), and the college took payment plans, the total per month for me to attend would be between $359-379 a month. Fall for my business is BONKERS. I make about 1/2 of my yearly income in the last 4 months of the year. So I knew financially I could swing paying for classes in the fall without hurting our family financially. BUT winter would be much more difficult.  Business typically drops off dramatically in January for the first few months. OH....but don't you worry...Foster's car payment fell off in January! $400/ month was going to be opened up RIGHT AT THE RIGHT TIME......what are the odds?

Now nursing school was HARD....I mean REALLY REALLY hard. Nursing school while having 2 kids, a full time business to run, and a husband who was gone a LOT for the military.....don't even get me started. But with a LOT of prayer and determination and A LOT of support from family, friends, and fellow nursing school friends, I made it through. 

In the second to last last semester, the school allows you to apply for a preceptor-ship for your last semester clinical. A preceptor-ship is a 1:1 clinical in a specialized area. You are not guaranteed it. You have to write an essay explaining why you want it, why you would be a good representative of the school, and have good grades. There are a few ICU slots, cardiac, pediatric, and OCCASIONALLY an OB option. Of COURSE I wanted the OB option. So did a few other students in my class. So I got to writing my essay. I talked about my journey over the previous 9 yrs, Rosie, why I wanted OB, submitted the essay and application, and then prayed....HARD. If this is literally what I started school for, I wanted to be 100% sure this was right for me. I wanted to experience it more in depth than our 3 day OB clinical we received. 

After finals were graded, and last semester was planned out by the professors, we received our clinical rotation for Spring 2020 semester. I scrolled through all of the group clinicals and did not see my name....I kept scrolling. Under Preceptorship label I saw My name:

Erin Foster- L&D........

Then I scrolled to the right to see the hospital I would be working in.......my heart stopped and leapt at the same time......ROSIE'S hospital!! The same floor I delivered her on and the only place I got to hold her in my arms for 4 days. Funny thing? This is NOT the typical hospital system our school works with. They typically work with one of the other major group her in our city. I was in literal shock! What are the odds?

So fast forward to last semester. Everyone is starting their clinical rotations, and I had still not heard from my nurse preceptor from the hospital to set up my schedule. I was starting to get frustrated when she finally responded, "I am sorry, I don't know why they chose me, I am on vacation almost all of Feb and all of Mar."

How the HECK am I supposed to get 130 hours in when my preceptor is gone 2/3 months I have to fit those hours into?!?

I called my sister (a NICU nurse at this hospital) crying. So upset because if they couldn't find me a new preceptor, I would have to fall in with one of the groups and not get my chance in OB. SO I started praying.....

The next day, my sister was leaving her shift and was on the elevator. She started up a random conversation about children with a girl she had never met in the elevator. THey rode the bus to the parking lot together and this stranger was telling my sister how she was bummed because she wanted to work up the clinical ladder (a program to help with raises and certifications), and since she worked all 3 departments in OB (L&D, maternal special care, and mother infant), that she couldn't orient a new nurse......this triggered a question from my sister: "Could you precept a nursing student and get the credit for the clinical ladder?"

This stranger replied: "I don't know, I don't see why not. Why?"

My sister: "Well, my sister has a problem....." And the proceeded to tell her what happened. 

They exchanged information, and within a week, this RANDOM stranger became my new preceptor.....what are the odds?

6 GLORIOUS weeks of working next to Amber. I helped deliver babies in the operating room I had Rosie in, I helped deliver a baby in the L&D room they held me unitl my c-section. I took care of a mom in the maternal special care room I stayed in and held my daughter for 4 days. I opened the fridge that my daughter stayed cool in for 4 days.......and I was in PURE HEAVEN. I get to be near my earthly children every day. I get to hold them, love them, and help them grow. But being on that floor, in those rooms, in that environment...i felt SOOOOO close to my daughter in heaven. Like I could be with her when I was at work, and with my earthly daughters here at home.....

Then Covid hit. 

I was unable to finish my last shift and properly thank the management and my preceptor for the experience. I wanted to hand my resume to the hiring manager before I left and tell her I was very interested if a position opened. But none of that happened. 

I graduated virtually Cum Laude, and even received a leadership award from the college of nursing. It SHOULD have been the culmination of my nursing school career with my friends and family there to support me, and my sister there to pin me, but it was depressing and anticlimactic. 

I went on to apply for RN to BSN programs, which I got accepted to a phenomenal program....the same program my sister graduated from traditional BSN. I broke my leg (another story for another day) and used that time to study for the NCLEX, and apply for jobs. HOWEVER, most of the hospitals were on hiring freezes. But I kept praying. Foster asked what the cut off for me to get my "dream job" would be before I "settled" for a different job. Most people will tell you they won't hire new grads into L&D. They want you to have your BSN, and 2 yrs of med-surg experience before you can get a L&D job. 

My response was always: L&D is what I am supposed to be doing, and years working in the ED and as an Army medic, I have a lot more "experience" than a lot of new nurses. So I stuck to my guns. And I am SOOOOOO glad I did. 

In June, a positon opened in Rosie's L&D unit! I immediately applied. I sent in my thank you card and resume to the hiring manager, and before I knew it I had an interview......the MORNING before I was to take the NCLEX......talk about no sleep. LOL. 

The interview went amazing, and I PASSED my NCLEX all in the same day, and that next Monday, I was offered the job.......during a pandemic WHILE most of the hospitals were on hiring freezes...what are the odds? I have cried so many happy tears because I know the Truth...

When you follow HIS plans for you, when you turn EVERYTHING over to Him, there are no odds....it is His will and it WILL happen if HE wants it to! Rosie's death was so much more than me losing a child. I TRULY feel it was for me to find my path, to connect closer to God, and to finally be able to help others on their journey of baby loss. Some of my baby loss moms started non profits, some write or speak to the public...me? I was supposed to be a L&D nurse.....Just like my Granny Phillippa (Who Rosie is buried with and Pippa is named after.....what are the odds??)

So tomorrow I start. I start this next chapter of my life in L&D. Please pray for me. Pray I can be the best nurse for ALL of my patients.  Pray I am able to touch others' lives, pray I can be a light in the dark.....and pray for my nerves LOL... I feel like it is the first day of school as a kid LOL. 

I just wanted to write all of this down so I can see His love for me during times of doubt, and to hopefully inspire someone else to follow their dreams and listen to their hearts!

The Rainbow Baby Project

Oh it has been FOREVER since I have posted here. Mainly because 2 babies are keeping me EXTREMELY busy, and so is my business, Irish Eyes Photography.  It has been NEARLY EIGHT YEARS since my Rosalynn passed away. Some days it feels like a lifetime ago, other days it seems like just yesterday!
The 2 things that have kept hope going in my life has been my two rainbow babies, Avaleen and Phillippa (Ava and Pippa). So with that, I have decided to give back to the baby loss community that has blessed me and supported me for EIGHT YEARS!!! Please, go over to my blog on my photography page to read a full story/explanation, and see all the details. If you, family, or friends are in Ohio, or willing to TRAVEL to Ohio, FEEL FREE to share and nominate them for this amazing opportunity!!

https://www.irisheyesphotography.net/rainbow-baby-columbus-ohio

Time is Getting Away From Me!!! Pumpkin Update

I PROMISE, I AM going to write about Rosie's b-day, the Women of Faith Conference, and my kitchen. However, all of these posts require me to download, condense and upload pictures, and I have been SOOOOO bad about doing this lately; and I DON"T want to post about these events without the pictures, b/c they are great!! So please hang in there with me:-)

As most of you know, Sunday was Mother's Day. What some of you weren't aware of, the 1st was Babyloss Mother's day, and Friday the 6th was Military Spouse appreciation day. Although I was unaware until the day of these events, my husband was prepared and knew about ALL of them! He never ceases to amaze me! With Rosalynn, I had so much swelling, that by the 24th week, I had to take my wedding band and engagement ring off and wear them on a chain around my neck. Although it didn't really bother me, because I was sure people weren't judging; Foster was worried that it looked like I was pregnant and not married. He didn't like this idea. We joked that if we got pregnant again, we would buy a cheap CZ from Wal-Mart in a bigger size so that I could wear it while pregnant again. I guess he never forgot this conversation.

Foster came home on Thursday and matter-of-factly stated, "I am taking you out on a date tomorrow night."
I was thrilled, because it had been so long since we had gotten a chance to go somewhere nice and enjoy a good meal together.

When I woke up on Friday morning, there was a pretty gold wrapped box from Kay's sitting on our entry ledge, "What is that for?" I asked.

"You can open it tonight at dinner. It is a combo gift for Baby-loss mom's day, Military  Spouse Appreciation Day, and Mother's Day. Of course dinner is also for Mother's Day. Right now it is just there to tease you!"

I fall in love with this man over and over and over again. He took me to this AMAZING, upscale restaurant called Martini's. I would rather have gone to this place while I wasn't pregnant, b/c their menu of martinis was overwhelming, and anyone who knows me in real life KNOW how much I love my martinis, but I was just glad to be spending some quality time with Foster. Before dinner was served he told me to open my present. When I did, it was a simple, but beautiful white gold wedding band. It is the same band he has, but still shiny, his was brushed, "I figure you could wear it when your hands swell up again. Also, we can get it engraved with all of our children's names in it." (Sorry in advance for all of these photos, they are from my camera phone!)

He is incredibly thoughtful. I LOVE the idea of having our children's names engraved! Right now, it is too big for my finger, but I have it on my right hand ring finger and it is being held in place by a ring my sister gave me that her, JJ and I all have matching.

Saturday we headed up to Foster's sister's house and had a cook out with his side of the family. I felt so bad, because right after dinner, I passe out on the couch! I felt like such a bum, but I was soooooooo tired, and they all seemed to understand. One of his sisters offered to let me sleep upstairs, away from all the noise, but I was fine on the couch, and slept through EVERYTHING, including Foster wrestling with the kids. I guess Basic Training taught me to sleep anywhere, anytime and add pregnancy exhaustion, and it is a dangerous combination.

Sunday was spent with my side of the family. We went to Sunday Mass with my mom, dad, Bug and Ky and then headed to a Chinese Buffet. My dad was RAVING about this buffet for days, so we decided to try it. It was okay, but I kind of felt like we could have taken mom somewhere nicer, but it was all about us spending time together, and we all had a blast.

Monday was my Nuchal Translucency scan. For those of you who are unfamiliar with that, it is the test that checks for the likelihood of Trisomy 13,18, and 21. They took my blood at my last appointment, and then performed the U/S on Monday. I am not one to trust statistics, due to my loss, but I took this as an opportunity to see Pumpkin again.

Of course I got nervous the night before, so I checked for Pumpkin's HB with my doppler. My AMAZING friend, Mrs. Prince, is letting me borrow hers through this pregnancy. This put my mind at ease in order to sleep. Foster was able to go to this appointment with me. We headed out in the morning, and i started saying my prayers that all would go well. As if cued to put my mind at ease, I got really nauseated.

The nurse took me in for my weight and BP. BP is running 110/64, and I am still down 1 lb since the first appointment. This is definitely how I wanted this pregnancy to go! By 13 weeks with Rosalynn, I had gained 13 pounds! My goal is to still not gain any weight, and if I do, keep it around 10 lbs this entire pregnancy!

As soon as the tech placed the wand on my stomach, she exclaimed, "Look at that baby moving all around!" Foster and I sat in awe, watching Pumpkin as the tech took all the measurements. She said that the neck measurements were looking GREAT, that they like it ti be under3, and ours was measuring 1.7. i don't know if that is mm or what, but sounded good to me. She then tried to get the bridge of the nose measurements, but Pumpkin would NOT move his/her hand away from their face. So we got a lot of screen time watching the tech trying to move the hand. I was okay with that. The HB was 163, and we were measuring 12w5d, 1d ahead of schedule. She printed off tons of pictures for us, and even said, "If I had to guess the sex right now, I would say it is a girl."

She warned us not to paint the nursery, but that was what she could tell at this time!! Another GIRL!! I would be soooooo thrilled if she is right with her guess. I am not going to get too excited till the 18 week U/S, but I will continue to hope this is true. Don't get me wrong, I would be happy as long as the baby was healthy, girl OR boy, but deep down I was secretly hoping for another girl. Foster's face lit up too. As much as he talks about wanting a boy, I think deep down he would be happy with another girl too.

The tech also informed me that the baby was settled into the left horn of my heart-shaped uterus. This is the same side Rosie settled into. I don't know how I feel about this, because OBVIOUSLY, this side didn't do much good for Rosalynn. All we can keep doing is praying.

The doctor came back to tell us the results, and we were thrilled to find out our child is already an overachiever. The best odds is <1 in 10,0000, and he/SHE made those numbers across the board.

On Thursday I am officially out of the 1st trimester. to most mom's they would be sighing a breath of relief. For me, on the other hand, I am hoping this means God will answer my prayers. I asked that IF this baby would be taken from me too, that He would be merciful enough to take it in the first trimester, before I feel him/HER move, before I see my belly growing, etc. I just pray that this is a good sign, however, we still have 21.5 weeks to go!!

Quick survey;

Weight: -1 lb from pre-pregnancy
HB: 163
Maternity clothes? Yes...i know, I know, it is soooo early, but I popped QUICK!! So my theory is I am losing weight from my butt or something, cause by belly is getting HUGE!



Yes, I am only 12w5d...luckily i didnt try and keep this one a secret! lol!


Craving: Fruits, fruit juices, chocolate oreos with milk, and McDonald's Chicken nuggets. Now, OBVIOUSLY, since I am losing weight, I am not caving to every craving all the time, but I indulge from time to time.
Best moment: Seeing Pumpkin dancing all around on the U/S screen. SHE/he is looks like a little human now instead of a glow worm!!
Random/Strangeness: Foster is getting sympathy pains! He has been waking up with nausea, had a Headache when I woke up with one, and has lost a few pounds too. Oh, and he eats my Oreos!

U/S pics:



Sorry about the glare...phone camera




hand up by face! Such a cute little face!!!




See the little legs sticking up? and the tiny little butt!! Def does not take after me and her dad!! lol



Calling All Angel Mommies!!

As you all know, we will be celebrating Rosalynn's first heavenly birthday on Wednesday. I wanted to do something a little special for all of my baby loss parents. Please, if you haven't already done so on DS or on my facebook, please leave your angel's name on here if you would like me to sent their name up on a balloon with all the other names. It is the least I can do for all of the love and support you have shown me over the past year. Wow! A whole year......I can't believe it has been almost a whole year without my beautiful daughter.......

TONS Going On!! Sorry I Have Been MIA

Sorry I have been a little incognito lately. I have to admit, I am in a sort of limbo. I am waiting. Waiting to know if everything is okay with Peanut, waiting to see if it ends before it even really began. I am waiting to see that little heartbeat and waiting to see how many little peanuts are in there. Foster is CONVINCED that we are having twins! His theory is that if God can answer my prayers for getting pregnant, than He can answer Foster's prayers of getting pregnant with twins!! I think he is nuts, and I would probably freak if Foster DID get his prayers answered. No, I am not on fertility treatments; remember I was supposed to start Clomid if this last cycle was a bust. He also mentioned that my belly is popping out already. Thank you Foster for pointing that out!! I am only 5w6d and my belly looks like it did when I was 16 weeks pregnant, getting married with Rosie in my belly. I know they say your second makes you bigger faster, but this is really ridiculous!!! My pants still button under my belly, but not around it. I am afraid I am going to be transitioning to maternity clothes sooner than later, and am very glad that I let everyone know we are pregnant, because if they didn't know, they would think I was just getting FATTER!

I feel like I want to be excited about this pregnancy, but am nervous all at the same time. If you remember the friend I talked about that found out she was pregnant a week before I did? She went in for her first ultra sound, and everything seemed fine, only a few days later she started bleeding and lost her Little Bee at 7 weeks. We have talked, and I expressed my fears since our journeys have been so similar. Her response was "This is where our paths will diverge. do not waste a minute on worry. Love that wee one!" I have to say she made me cry. She is so strong and such an inspiration to me and all the other Baby Loss Moms out there! I hope this is where our paths diverge, but until I see this little one on U/S in 8 days, I am going to be a little nervous. I also hope that she will soon be expecting again as soon as her body is ready. Please send a few prayers her way!!You can visit her at her blog "Valentina in the Sky".

As I feared, I have lost a few followers. I have gained a few more, but sadly have lost a couple. I knew my announcement would be hard on a few of my BLMs. Some are just in a different place in their grief, and seeing pregnancy announcements are just a little too hard.

We have been pretty busy! The kitchen demo has commenced!!! I figured I would post the process on here. The demo was yesterday, the electric today and tomorrow, the drywall on Thursday and Friday, and then the cabinets go in next week. Here are my before pictures:

I will miss that bench/corner eating area!! that is about ALL i will miss about this kitchen!!

This white has been a pain in my butt to keep looking clean!!!

fluorescent lights anyone?!?

you see that hideous border and "backsplash'?!?!

Electric stove circa 1970!!

tthe floor may not seem TOO bad, but it is TOO light, and a cheap pergo (I think i saw it for 67 cents a yard @ the store!

This is  what I am living with now! My microwave is in the formal living room, and this is what our dinners have consisted of:

Eating out, paper plates and bowls, plastic cutlery, and cups are what we have been eating out of because I have no sink to clean them in. We have been eating in our living room and letting other people cook for us  because THIS is what my kitchen looks like NOW!!

Nice Butt Foster;-)

why so dark? because there is no electric in this part of the house right now

 I am thrilled to see the finished project. I will keep you all updated, and when it is all said and done, party at my place!!!

A Secret Society

Ten months ago today I unknowingly joined a secret society, an elite group of strong, amazing people. They have the biggest hearts, the most caring natures, and they didn't know they were in the club until their fateful day. You don't need money to join the club. In fact, this club doesn't care if you are rich or poor. You don't need connections, to "know the right people". Honestly, the current members of the club hate it when a new member joins, not because we don't like them or think we are too good for new members, but because we know too well the pain the new member had to endure to join our group. The only criteria to enter is the loss of a child. Unfortunately, no matter how hard a non-member tries, they can never come close to imagining the pain that all of us have gone through.
When I joined the Baby Loss Club, I was so inspired by how these parents had survived, because I know at one point I felt that all I wanted to do was crawl into a hole and die. I wanted nothing more than to meet my baby girl, my beautiful Rosalynn, to hold her and kiss her and play with her, all the things that moms of living children get to do. However, my broken heart was slowly being pieced back together. Each one of the women I have met, each heart wrenching story I have listened to and shared, helped glue a piece of my heart back together. I am not alone in this. My heart will not ever completely heal and there will always be a piece waiting for me up in heaven, but my fellow baby loss mothers have helped guide me through this journey.
Please do not get me wrong, friends and family have been a HUGE part of my journey, an immense support system. However, there have been times that I have felt all alone in this journey. Not for lack of people reaching out to me, but because I could not imagine anyone knowing how I feel. This is where my BLMs have come in. Just like any journey one takes, wether it be the loss of a parent, infertility, adoption, cancer, you feel less alone when you find that secret club, that group of people that know exactly what you are feeling and thinking, because they are thinking and feeling the same thing. They are on the same journey as you are.
If I don't say it enough girls, I love you so much and thank you. Your spirits are so uplifting. You have helped me through some of the darkest times, and lifted me up when I have fallen. Some of you I am blessed to have met in person, some I have spoken to on the phone, but the majority of you I have only known through the internet, and yet you have all become some of my closest friends. I hate what we all had to go through this, but I love that we have all found each other. If I never get to meet some of you in person, I look forward to the day we will all get to meet in heaven (lets hope this is a LONG time from now) where all of our angels play together now.

Rosalynn,
Baby girl, your birthday is quickly approaching, and not a day goes by that mommy does not miss you. I hope you are having fun with all of you angel friends. I hope they throw a HUGE birthday party for you up there in heaven, because we will be throwing you one here on earth. You have changed me Rosie. you have transformed your mommy in ways I never thought possible. Thank you for being a part of my life, and allowing me to be your mom.
Butterfly kisses and hugs!
Mommy

Christmas Just Isn't the Same Without My Rose

My Christmas Spirit is gone. I do hope it decides to return today or Sunday, but as of last night, it has left the building. I came into work exhausted with a major headache. I was spent already, and I had a whole 12 hour shift to get through.

Foster and I walked into a beautifully decorated church last evening. It was filled to the rims with people. Between the C and E Catholics (Christmas and Easter mass participants only) and everyone's families, there was not a seat left in the house. Foster and I were fortunate enough to stand by a family who squeezed together in order to make room for us. We did not ask them to, they just put kids on laps and invited us in. I was pleased to see we were situated on the outside perimeter of the church, and the front row, because I had a feeling this was going to be a difficult mass, and the less amount of people surrounding me, the better. I was doing pretty good for most of the mass. I cried a little during "Silent Night", but since the singer was unable to stay completely on key,  I would giggle from time to time, and it kept me from getting too into the music. But then communion came. I always get a little emotional during communion. This time the tears started flowing, and as soon as Foster started rubbing my back, I turned to him and tears were welling in his eyes, "This Christmas was supposed to be so different," I whispered to him.

"I know sweetheart."

I laid my head against his shoulder, and he rested his head on mine, and we cried through the rest of communion. I sobbed. The shoulder heaving, snotty nosed sobbing. The lady next to me handed me some tissues and leaned over, "It will get easier, it is always hard around the holidays," she said as I accepted this small act of kindness. She had no knowledge of our loss, but probably figured we had lost a close family member. As the mass came to an end, she turned to me an asked, "May I ask who you lost?"

"Our daughter," I said.

"Oh sweetheart," she said and she started to tear up, "I am so sorry."

The little boy down the pew kept looking at me and motioning for his mother to look at me, and it looked as if he was asking why I was crying. This poor little man probably thought I was crazy. He probably could not imagine someone being sad on Christmas Eve, because Santa would be coming this night, and everyone should be happy right? Well, not us baby loss moms. This is SUPPOSED to be a happy time, but for us this day, the birthday of our Lord Jesus, is a hard time for us no matter how far a long in our journey we are. If things had played out the way they were supposed to, we should be opening lots and lots of presents for our baby girl and watching her be more interested in the wrapping paper than the gifts that were concealing.

Instead, Foster and I are celebrating with my side of the family on the 26th and celebrated with his side this past week. There is a feeling of something missing, there probably will always be from here on out, but it is nice to spend time with family.

Tonight, however, I am done, emotionally spent, and just wish the 26th would come already. This is a point where I say "I want my mommy and daddy," yes folks, even a 29 year old woman wants nothing more than the warm embrace of her parents when she is hurting, that familiar place in my mom and dad's arms that makes everything better.

I did receive some good news today, a great little surprise for the 26th. My aunt and uncle from Georgia are heading in to celebrate. Aunt and Uncle Georgia Peach are some amazing people. Although they live so far away, they have always been such a huge support. Aunt Georgia Peach has been a spiritual support in the last 8 months, and then recently has helped with my ministry by agreeing to embroider the canvas bags for Roses from Rosalynn with the logo. She has a talent with the sewing machine and has produced some of the most beautiful quilts and hand made pieces I have ever seen. She didn't even hesitate when I asked this huge favor. I love her so much, and I actually get to hug and thank her in person. She is another one of my angels here on earth.

Now, Uncle Georgia Peach is hilarious! He can bring a smile and laughter to any situation. He possesses this wonderful gift, and God knows we will need it! I am soooooo thankful that they will be joining us this week!

I am praying for some peace in my heart and the hearts of my fellow baby loss parents. I am sure our little ones are looking down on us and smiling. Remember, they are celebrating Christmas in Heaven with Jesus.....what a great celebration that will be!!

My First Christmas In Heaven:

I see the countless Christmas trees around the world below
With tiny lights, like Heaven’s stars, reflecting on the snow
The sight is so spectacular, please wipe away the tear
For I am spending Christmas with Jesus Christ this year.
I hear the many Christmas songs that people hold so dear
But the sounds of music can’t compare
with the Christmas choir up here.

I have no words to tell you, the joy their voices bring,
For it is beyond description, to hear the angels sing.
I know how much you miss me, I see the pain inside your heart
But I am not so far away, we really aren’t apart.
So be happy for me, dear ones, you know I hold you dear.
And be glad I’m spending Christmas
with Jesus Christ this year.

I sent you each a special gift, from my heavenly home above.
I sent you each a memory of my undying love.
After all, love is a gift more precious than pure gold
It was always most important in the stories Jesus told.
Please love and keep each other, as my Father said to do
For I can’t count the blessing or love he has for each of you
So have a Merry Christmas and wipe away that tear
Remember, I am spending Christmas
with Jesus Christ this year.
( by Author Unknown)

Some Peace and Quiet

For the first time in a while, I feel like I don't have much to talk about. Things are at a standstill in just about all aspects of my life for the time being. This is probably a good thing! I am going to bask in this week of very little action. With the holidays approaching, I know it will start getting really busy!

Foster and I did run into some problems with Tricare (the military health insurance). We were under the impression that I was signed up since last December. We had gone in the week after our honeymoon and had me put in the system. I had a dentist apointment this past week, and when I gave them United Concordia as my secondary insurance, they called and the insurance program said I was not listed under his dental OR medical insurance. When Foster called Tricare today, they said I was not qualified for the insurance. I had been denied but no one had bothered to inform us about it for 12 MONTHS!!!

The ONLY real "qualification" I need to fall under his insurance is to be his wife, his dependant. We had me put under him in the system, so there should be no issue. He has to wait till tomorrow to go into the DEERS office and find out what happened. I wonder if there were some wires crossed since I am in the system for being a soldier, and since I am considered a reservist, I don't qualify on my own unless I pay for it, which I don't since I have insurance through my job. Thank GOD I have insurance through my job and decided to keep it after we married, because my insurance covers my high risk doctor and we weren't sure if Tricare would. Because of this, my dental visit was covered with no issues, and it also gave us the heads up that I wasn't under Foster.

I have another family shoot coming up this Saturday. Another one of Foster's families is wanting a Christmas shoot. I am excited, because if the kids can handle the cold, there is supposed to be snow on Saturday, and I think it would make for some beautiful pictures!

Finals start next week, and then after that Foster and I are off to our nation's capitol. Every Christmas for the past 3 years we have gone. It is beautiful this time of year, and we look forward to the National Christmas Tree and getting our picture taken with Santa. At the end of our trip, we are heading up towards Baltimore where we are meeting up with one of my closest BLM friends. I met her on my support group, and we talk to each other on the phone at least once a week, sometimes more. We have gone through this journey together, and we seem to always be in the same spot emotionally. We really bonded, and I consider her my "soul mate" in this journey. I am ecstatic to FINALLY meet her in person! I am sure I will have TONS of pictures, and look forward to sharing our trip with all of you.

So right now, I am enjoying the little break of peace and quiet before life starts picking up again.

A Beautiful Family!!

I have some more exciting news. It seems that I will get the opportunity to take more family pictures Thanksgiving weekend. Foster has a HUGE paper due, and he has decided to use Friday after Thanksgiving to take care of the bulk of it. I was talking to my friend Holly from Hass Family Blessings, and after seeing my photos of the baby last week, she asked if I would be able to take pictures of her and her family for their Christmas cards. I was worried, because I wasn't sure if I would get the time with finals approaching, but it seems we worked out a time.

On the 8th I posted a HUGE blog post that updated you on all things military and had tons of pictures from drill that weekend, but I neglected to mention one great event that happened that Sunday evening. Foster and I were able to meet up with the Hass' for a steak dinner.

Foster was a little nervous. He was a little weirded out by all of my online friendships, but our meeting with Olivia's parents went so well, that he was game for meeting another family. If you remember from this post, I had met with Holly once before, and she is one of the sweetest, kindest people you could ever talk to. I was fresh in my grief, she came waddling in 30 weeks pregnant toting a 2 year old in a stroller. However, when the subject turned to Carleigh and Rosie, there was so much love and understanding in her eyes. She understood what I was going through, and was the first real life BLM I had gotten to meet. This time, however, the husbands would be present. We had great conversation, Holly and Foster talked about radiation exposure...don't ask....we chatted it up with Anthony and Kyndra had some very sweet moments and then of course some toddler moments. We got one the subject of funerals, and I paused for a moment, because I realized it was not the conversation that A.) couples our age should EVER have to talk about, and B) a conversation I would feel completely uncomfortable having with any of our non-BLM friends. However, it was almost natural, and no one seemed too upset by it, except maybe the surrounding tables.. We were discussing the option of buying plots near our daughter, and Holly and Anthony informed us they already had. So Foster and I are not completely crazy! Of course, only having my camera for a few short days, I HAD to drag it along with me to get pictures. Here are a couple of the members of the beautiful family I will get the honor of photographing next weekend:

 

 This is cutie Big Sister Kyndra

You can tell she is ornery:-)

 

This is Holly with her rainbow baby Lainey.

 And these pictures are why I cannot wait to give Foster our rainbow one day!

 So touching!

The lighting in the restaurant was not the best, but the pics still came out good. I don't know why I didn't get a pic of Anthony, but I will have plenty after next weekend! I look forward to seeing how the photos of her family turn out all together!!

As we were leaving dinner, Foster mentioned how he really enjoyed himself, and so did I. I am so glad she lives so close, because as nice as it is to have all of the support online, it is great to actually have friends in person that have been down the same road as us.