Christmas Just Isn't the Same Without My Rose

My Christmas Spirit is gone. I do hope it decides to return today or Sunday, but as of last night, it has left the building. I came into work exhausted with a major headache. I was spent already, and I had a whole 12 hour shift to get through.

Foster and I walked into a beautifully decorated church last evening. It was filled to the rims with people. Between the C and E Catholics (Christmas and Easter mass participants only) and everyone's families, there was not a seat left in the house. Foster and I were fortunate enough to stand by a family who squeezed together in order to make room for us. We did not ask them to, they just put kids on laps and invited us in. I was pleased to see we were situated on the outside perimeter of the church, and the front row, because I had a feeling this was going to be a difficult mass, and the less amount of people surrounding me, the better. I was doing pretty good for most of the mass. I cried a little during "Silent Night", but since the singer was unable to stay completely on key,  I would giggle from time to time, and it kept me from getting too into the music. But then communion came. I always get a little emotional during communion. This time the tears started flowing, and as soon as Foster started rubbing my back, I turned to him and tears were welling in his eyes, "This Christmas was supposed to be so different," I whispered to him.

"I know sweetheart."

I laid my head against his shoulder, and he rested his head on mine, and we cried through the rest of communion. I sobbed. The shoulder heaving, snotty nosed sobbing. The lady next to me handed me some tissues and leaned over, "It will get easier, it is always hard around the holidays," she said as I accepted this small act of kindness. She had no knowledge of our loss, but probably figured we had lost a close family member. As the mass came to an end, she turned to me an asked, "May I ask who you lost?"

"Our daughter," I said.

"Oh sweetheart," she said and she started to tear up, "I am so sorry."

The little boy down the pew kept looking at me and motioning for his mother to look at me, and it looked as if he was asking why I was crying. This poor little man probably thought I was crazy. He probably could not imagine someone being sad on Christmas Eve, because Santa would be coming this night, and everyone should be happy right? Well, not us baby loss moms. This is SUPPOSED to be a happy time, but for us this day, the birthday of our Lord Jesus, is a hard time for us no matter how far a long in our journey we are. If things had played out the way they were supposed to, we should be opening lots and lots of presents for our baby girl and watching her be more interested in the wrapping paper than the gifts that were concealing.

Instead, Foster and I are celebrating with my side of the family on the 26th and celebrated with his side this past week. There is a feeling of something missing, there probably will always be from here on out, but it is nice to spend time with family.

Tonight, however, I am done, emotionally spent, and just wish the 26th would come already. This is a point where I say "I want my mommy and daddy," yes folks, even a 29 year old woman wants nothing more than the warm embrace of her parents when she is hurting, that familiar place in my mom and dad's arms that makes everything better.

I did receive some good news today, a great little surprise for the 26th. My aunt and uncle from Georgia are heading in to celebrate. Aunt and Uncle Georgia Peach are some amazing people. Although they live so far away, they have always been such a huge support. Aunt Georgia Peach has been a spiritual support in the last 8 months, and then recently has helped with my ministry by agreeing to embroider the canvas bags for Roses from Rosalynn with the logo. She has a talent with the sewing machine and has produced some of the most beautiful quilts and hand made pieces I have ever seen. She didn't even hesitate when I asked this huge favor. I love her so much, and I actually get to hug and thank her in person. She is another one of my angels here on earth.

Now, Uncle Georgia Peach is hilarious! He can bring a smile and laughter to any situation. He possesses this wonderful gift, and God knows we will need it! I am soooooo thankful that they will be joining us this week!

I am praying for some peace in my heart and the hearts of my fellow baby loss parents. I am sure our little ones are looking down on us and smiling. Remember, they are celebrating Christmas in Heaven with Jesus.....what a great celebration that will be!!

My First Christmas In Heaven:

I see the countless Christmas trees around the world below
With tiny lights, like Heaven’s stars, reflecting on the snow
The sight is so spectacular, please wipe away the tear
For I am spending Christmas with Jesus Christ this year.
I hear the many Christmas songs that people hold so dear
But the sounds of music can’t compare
with the Christmas choir up here.

I have no words to tell you, the joy their voices bring,
For it is beyond description, to hear the angels sing.
I know how much you miss me, I see the pain inside your heart
But I am not so far away, we really aren’t apart.
So be happy for me, dear ones, you know I hold you dear.
And be glad I’m spending Christmas
with Jesus Christ this year.

I sent you each a special gift, from my heavenly home above.
I sent you each a memory of my undying love.
After all, love is a gift more precious than pure gold
It was always most important in the stories Jesus told.
Please love and keep each other, as my Father said to do
For I can’t count the blessing or love he has for each of you
So have a Merry Christmas and wipe away that tear
Remember, I am spending Christmas
with Jesus Christ this year.
( by Author Unknown)