Christmas Just Isn't the Same Without My Rose

My Christmas Spirit is gone. I do hope it decides to return today or Sunday, but as of last night, it has left the building. I came into work exhausted with a major headache. I was spent already, and I had a whole 12 hour shift to get through.

Foster and I walked into a beautifully decorated church last evening. It was filled to the rims with people. Between the C and E Catholics (Christmas and Easter mass participants only) and everyone's families, there was not a seat left in the house. Foster and I were fortunate enough to stand by a family who squeezed together in order to make room for us. We did not ask them to, they just put kids on laps and invited us in. I was pleased to see we were situated on the outside perimeter of the church, and the front row, because I had a feeling this was going to be a difficult mass, and the less amount of people surrounding me, the better. I was doing pretty good for most of the mass. I cried a little during "Silent Night", but since the singer was unable to stay completely on key,  I would giggle from time to time, and it kept me from getting too into the music. But then communion came. I always get a little emotional during communion. This time the tears started flowing, and as soon as Foster started rubbing my back, I turned to him and tears were welling in his eyes, "This Christmas was supposed to be so different," I whispered to him.

"I know sweetheart."

I laid my head against his shoulder, and he rested his head on mine, and we cried through the rest of communion. I sobbed. The shoulder heaving, snotty nosed sobbing. The lady next to me handed me some tissues and leaned over, "It will get easier, it is always hard around the holidays," she said as I accepted this small act of kindness. She had no knowledge of our loss, but probably figured we had lost a close family member. As the mass came to an end, she turned to me an asked, "May I ask who you lost?"

"Our daughter," I said.

"Oh sweetheart," she said and she started to tear up, "I am so sorry."

The little boy down the pew kept looking at me and motioning for his mother to look at me, and it looked as if he was asking why I was crying. This poor little man probably thought I was crazy. He probably could not imagine someone being sad on Christmas Eve, because Santa would be coming this night, and everyone should be happy right? Well, not us baby loss moms. This is SUPPOSED to be a happy time, but for us this day, the birthday of our Lord Jesus, is a hard time for us no matter how far a long in our journey we are. If things had played out the way they were supposed to, we should be opening lots and lots of presents for our baby girl and watching her be more interested in the wrapping paper than the gifts that were concealing.

Instead, Foster and I are celebrating with my side of the family on the 26th and celebrated with his side this past week. There is a feeling of something missing, there probably will always be from here on out, but it is nice to spend time with family.

Tonight, however, I am done, emotionally spent, and just wish the 26th would come already. This is a point where I say "I want my mommy and daddy," yes folks, even a 29 year old woman wants nothing more than the warm embrace of her parents when she is hurting, that familiar place in my mom and dad's arms that makes everything better.

I did receive some good news today, a great little surprise for the 26th. My aunt and uncle from Georgia are heading in to celebrate. Aunt and Uncle Georgia Peach are some amazing people. Although they live so far away, they have always been such a huge support. Aunt Georgia Peach has been a spiritual support in the last 8 months, and then recently has helped with my ministry by agreeing to embroider the canvas bags for Roses from Rosalynn with the logo. She has a talent with the sewing machine and has produced some of the most beautiful quilts and hand made pieces I have ever seen. She didn't even hesitate when I asked this huge favor. I love her so much, and I actually get to hug and thank her in person. She is another one of my angels here on earth.

Now, Uncle Georgia Peach is hilarious! He can bring a smile and laughter to any situation. He possesses this wonderful gift, and God knows we will need it! I am soooooo thankful that they will be joining us this week!

I am praying for some peace in my heart and the hearts of my fellow baby loss parents. I am sure our little ones are looking down on us and smiling. Remember, they are celebrating Christmas in Heaven with Jesus.....what a great celebration that will be!!

My First Christmas In Heaven:

I see the countless Christmas trees around the world below
With tiny lights, like Heaven’s stars, reflecting on the snow
The sight is so spectacular, please wipe away the tear
For I am spending Christmas with Jesus Christ this year.
I hear the many Christmas songs that people hold so dear
But the sounds of music can’t compare
with the Christmas choir up here.

I have no words to tell you, the joy their voices bring,
For it is beyond description, to hear the angels sing.
I know how much you miss me, I see the pain inside your heart
But I am not so far away, we really aren’t apart.
So be happy for me, dear ones, you know I hold you dear.
And be glad I’m spending Christmas
with Jesus Christ this year.

I sent you each a special gift, from my heavenly home above.
I sent you each a memory of my undying love.
After all, love is a gift more precious than pure gold
It was always most important in the stories Jesus told.
Please love and keep each other, as my Father said to do
For I can’t count the blessing or love he has for each of you
So have a Merry Christmas and wipe away that tear
Remember, I am spending Christmas
with Jesus Christ this year.
( by Author Unknown)

Spiritual Sunday: Bread of Life

As I have mentioned NUMEROUS times (only about every Sunday), Foster and I feel close as a family at mass on Sundays. We also are usually struck with a sadness we do not feel embarrassed about when we are there. The sermons and readings usually somehow correlate with what is going on in our lives at the moment, and almost always remind us of Rosie. However, after the sermon, the readings and the Eucharistic prayers, I thought this would end up being the very first Sunday since April 20th that would NOT remind me of my daughter. Of course I thought of her, there isn't a moment that goes by that I do not think about her, but I feel like she always makes her presence known in church, like she wants to remind us that she is looking out for us. I look forward to this every Sunday.

I was a little disappointed that my little girl didn't come to "visit" mommy and daddy today, but figured maybe she realizes we are healing, and don't need constant reminders anymore, because we just know she is there. Well, I gave up on her too soon. Before I even got the chance to open the hymnal to see what song would be played as we took communion, I heard the opening notes played on the piano and my eyes welled up with tears. They were playing the same song that we played while we took communion at her funeral "The Bread of Life." I sang with all of my heart, as tears streamed down my face I tried to keep my voice as steady as possible, because I felt as if she wanted me to sing, that she was making it a point to remind me that she IS still here with us. Foster rubbed my back and scooted just a few more inches closer. As I knelt in front of the miracle of the Eucharist, preparing to receive the Body and Blood, I thanked God for once again showing me why I love Him so much, and why I love Rosie so much. We are NEVER alone, and our prayers WILL be answered, even if it is in the form of a song as a reminder.

There will always be four songs out of the hundreds in the missal that will forever hurt my heart: Bread of life, On Eagles Wings, Be Not Afraid, and Amazing Grace. However, from now on, I will belt them out to the best of my ability while the tears fall.

I do feel bad for the man sitting in front of me, because although I was not literally sobbing, the tears were in a constant stream and fell on the bench in front of us, so I am sure he now has a big wet mark on his butt from sitting in a pool of my tears.
Here is the song....who knew it could be found on YouTube?!?! He will raise me up on the last day, and when He does, I will be greeted by my beautiful Rosie.

Broken Heart, Broken Dreams

This is not going to be an easy blog to read, for any of you, so if you want to leave now I completely understand.


Since this past weekend I feel like I have taken a few steps back. I thought I was doing pretty well in my grieving process and moving on pretty well. I was warned about these "dark times" that will pop up out of no where and rock you to the core by other Angel Baby Mommies, but I thought I would be immune, I thought that I would be ok. Well, this week I have not been. Every moment of every day I have been thinking of Rosie. I have been thinking of all the things I should be doing with her and all of the things Foster and I will not get to be a part of.


We will never get to see her smile for the first time and see the dimples I hope she got from her daddy and me. We will never get to see her take her first steps and soothe her when she cries after her first fall. We will never get to yell at Reagan when she steals the cookie out of Rosie's hand as she toddles across the kitchen floor with sippy cup in one hand and cookie in the other. We will never get to kiss her in front of her preschool classroom on her first day of school and pick her up after school and hear about all of her adventures. Foster will never get to help her learn how to ride her bike and teach her how to play soccer. We will never get to help her learn to drive a car. We will never get to watch her graduate high school, help her move into her dorm room for college, graduate college and get her first job. We will never get to see her go on her first date and console her first broken heart. Foster will never get to walk her down the isle and give her to the man of her dreams. I will never get to watch her and advise her as she carries new life inside of her. We will never get to meet the grandchildren she could have given us. i will never get to hear the words "I love you" from her mouth.


We had so many hopes and dreams for our little girl's future, and when we found out that our precious daughter had died, all of those dreams died with her.


I know it has been ten weeks. There are people out there who think that you should be "over it by now." All I can say is I will NEVER be over this. Every holiday, every vacation, every event will never feel the same again. There will always be something missing, and that something will be my first born. If I am blessed with more children the only way they will get to know their older sister is through what Foster and I tell them. They will never get to share a room with her, never get her hand me downs, never get to learn from her mistakes, and never get the chance to follow in her footsteps.


Yes, and I purposefully said "If I am blessed with more children." I know to all of you, it looks to be no problem to us being able to have healthy children, and this may very well be true, but in my mind, I have lost my only child. I have no clue if I will or even CAN have live children. I am envious of those Angel Mommies who have living children before their angel, because at least they know they can have children. I know I have one of the best Maternal Fetal Medicine Doctors in the state, but until I am holding a screaming child in my arms, there will always be a small part of me that wonders if that is even in my future.


I apologize if I have been distant. I have cut phone calls pretty short, if I answered them at all. I have made lame excuses for not wanting to do things with people this week. I am sorry, but I will make it up to you when I get out of this funk. I have also neglected my blog because all I can think to write about is these sad emotions, but that is when I realized I had to write them down, get them off my chest, because that is why I started this blog, was to welcome you all into my life. If I leave you out of these dark times, that is not fair to you and not honest of me.

I can't help but think of how cruel it is that when I should be walking my daughter in her stroller with Foster during our evening walks, I am instead walking our new puppy. We have a family photo for our church coming up on July 16th, and instead of me, Foster, Rosie and Reagan, it will be Rowdy sitting in my lap. I love my puppy, don't get me wrong, he has been a great source of smiles and if we had not lost Rosie, we would not have this amazing little guy, but I would have Rosie!

Thinking it would help give us a little hope, I made a phone call this week. After Mama JJ's passing, Foster and I were inspired by her generosity to look into fostering children. We have a big open home, the means, and the hearts and love to give to children who do not have the perfect family lives. I called the city for an information packet. They asked me all the basic questions, what we did for a living, where we lived, if we were married, if we had any children. Then she asked me a question I was not expecting, "Have you lost any children or had problems with fertility?" I answered the question honestly, because they do background and medical background checks, and I figured if I lied now, it would bite me in the butt later. I told her we lost our little girl in April. Her upbeat attitude did a complete one-eighty, and her tone got a little condescending. She told me that I had to take time to deal with my grief, and they would not even start the process with us for at least six months. I understand they have protocol, and that they are just making sure that we are able to emotionally handle having children in our house, but who the heck is she to tell me how long I need to grieve?!?!?! This ticked me off a little. I asked her when the next classes were, she said September. I asked her how long they took, she said 8 weeks. I said perfect! By the end of the classes we would be past our 6 month point. She said that even if we took the classes, there was no guarantee we would even be approved to foster because of our loss!!! How stupid is that?!?!? They will approve these people who beat and abuse foster kids and end up on the news, but because we lost a child, we may not even be approved. In my mind, we would be the perfect couple, because we would love these children so much because we appreciate the little life they are. I kept my cool on the phone, but when I got off, I started crying and shaking. I was mad, upset, devastated. It was as if we had had another loss all over again. Our hope was dashed, at least for the time being.

One of my friends is within weeks of giving birth to her baby girl, and another friend not too far behind. I found out this past week that another friend of mine just found out she was pregnant. Now, I am obviously very excited for these women but it saddens me too. Because once again I feel left behind. I feel like they are getting their perfect little families and Foster and I have our new reality instead. I can't help but feel a little jealousy towards these friends, and I HATE that I feel this way!

I had a little glimmer of hope this week. I was officially late on my period. Although I was realistically happy that the pee tests were coming back negative, because I have my MRI on Friday and I want my new doctor to have an arsenal full of knowledge to help with my next pregnancy, I could not help but be a little excited that maybe we would be expecting our little rainbow baby so soon. I asked a favor of one of the ER docs to order a blood draw so I could be absolutely positive I was not pregnant before my MRI since I still did not have my monthly visitor. He gladly did it, and when I called lab to get the results a half an hour later, I must say that I did have a little bit of disappointment flow through me when she said the HCG level was 0.0.

I know that we don't always get what we want when we want it and God always has a way of making things work the way they are supposed to, but I am just praying that His path for me has a little bit of happiness down it soon.

I am sorry to all of you who may still be reading this that it was a little on the sadder side. Please do not worry about me, because this is all part of the natural grieving process. Thank you all for your support and love, because without all of you, I have a feeling I would be in a lot darker of a place. Hopefully with a fun filled weekend in paradise (aka the farm), I will come back refreshed and happier. The farm and my family always have a way of making me feel better!