What are the odds??

I truly cannot believe it has been over TEN YEARS since my sweet Rosie went up to heaven. It blows my mind!! This life has been a roller coaster ever since. It has been filled with scary births, wonderful moments with my rainbow babies, Foster and I becoming stronger in our relations ship and closer to Christ.
For those of you who don't know about my latest endeavor...2 years ago I decided to go back to nursing school. It is something I started 20 years ago, life happened, and I never got to finish. I have been attending birth photography sessions over the past 10 years, and the thing i thought every time I was in the delivery room, is how I wanted to experience the miracle of birth every day of my life. How you TRULY feel that is the moment when heaven meets earth and God's love and hope for the human race continues. Any of you who have experienced or witnessed a birth probably has felt a similar rush of hope when the baby comes out screaming and the parents cry and everyone is just overwhelmed with emotion.  

So 2 yrs ago Foster and I were sitting in a local Indian restaurant, and I told him I had been feeling restless. Life was normal. House was remodeled, business was thriving, both kids in daycare or school, dinner on the table most nights by 6:30 pm...the "picture perfect" life/family. But I was restless. I was feeling a stirring that my "story" was not done. That God was not done with me and my journey. I wanted to go back to school.

Here is how the conversation went:

Me: "Honey, I am bored. I need something. I have felt a restlessness that I feel God has something for me to pursue."

Foster: Ever the loving, supportive husband to my sometimes CRAZY ideas, "OK.....what is it you want to do?"

Me: "I think I want to go back to nursing school."

Foster: "OK...well have you researched schools, how much? How long? What specifically do you want to do?"

You see he is always the level headed one. I get a harebrained idea and he pulls me back down to earth to have me do it right....to  research what I need to do to accomplish my goal. He is more analytical than me....I just go with the flow and where I feel I am being pulled.

Me: "Nope, I haven't looked. BUT I know what I want to do. I want to work where Rosie was born. I want to be a labor and delivery nurse. I want to help other families suffering the same type of loss as we did. I want to be a light in there darkest moments."

Foster: "Do you think you would be able to handle it? Emotionally?"

Me: "Yes I feel like I am in the perfect place in my life to help instead of it hurting me. It has been 8.5 years, and while I miss her EVERY DAY, I am at peace about it, and know I will get to hold her in my arms eventually. But until then, I want to help. Plus, let's face it, labor and delivery is great unit to be a part of! So much joy with some pain. What better place to be every day for work!!"

Foster: "Ok, do the research and lets figure it out."

So I started researching. I knew there were some great nursing schools within close proximity. I had a TON of credits from the first round of nursing school I attempted 20 yrs ago, and just prayed the credits would still transfer. I had hear horror stories of credits expiring after 5 yrs and did NOT want to retake all the maths and sciences, etc. I also had experience as an army medic, and although I knew most schools did not offer credits for time served, potentially the classes taken to become an EMT-B would help. So I started my google search. 

The school I found almost immediately seemed way too good to be true. It typically had a 1-2 yr waiting list to get into their nursing program, but they had just started a new program. One that encouraged paramedics and ARMY MEDICS to attend their nursing school, and they would give you credits towards TWO of their nursing classes, and you would have to take a 2 credit hour bridge course instead. This course is the same course the LPNs take before attending the RN courses. And they were accepting applications for their FIRST GROUP to start that fall! What are the odds? 

So I immediately submitted an application and started gathering all of my transcripts and such....then I waited.

After my application was received, a admissions person called me. He needed transcripts from 2 of my schools and my high school. Which I quickly provided for him. But then he told me it could take up to 6-8 weeks to process the transcripts, and not to expect to start school until January. I was BUMMED. The PERFECT situation....the PERFECT in for a great nursing school, and transcript processing may keep me back from starting in fall. This was July 2nd when I spoke to him. 

July 5th Foster and I were sitting in the living room enjoying an extra day off for him and I received a phone call. My transcripts had been processed, and I could go talk to an academic advisor to start the nursing school process. HOLY CRAP.....

I called the advisors office, they said they had a cancellation, so therefore an opening at 11:30 AM THAT DAY to talk and get the ball rolling (it was currently 10:30 AM). I looked at Foster, and he said, "Go for it! I will stay home with the girls." What are the odds?

Embarrassing moment from this visit:

I got in the elevator to head home after my meeting, and a girl in the elevator greeted me and then proceeded to ask if I was an instructor there.....okay, okay, I get it, I am old...lol. (36 at this point).

So now the finances. LUCKILY, the school I chose is a local community college. They are SOOO much cheaper to attend than any huge university. I did the math, since I only had to go 8-9 credit hours a semester because I ONLY had to take the nursing courses (remember all those credits...they transferred and saved me SOOOO much time and $$), and the college took payment plans, the total per month for me to attend would be between $359-379 a month. Fall for my business is BONKERS. I make about 1/2 of my yearly income in the last 4 months of the year. So I knew financially I could swing paying for classes in the fall without hurting our family financially. BUT winter would be much more difficult.  Business typically drops off dramatically in January for the first few months. OH....but don't you worry...Foster's car payment fell off in January! $400/ month was going to be opened up RIGHT AT THE RIGHT TIME......what are the odds?

Now nursing school was HARD....I mean REALLY REALLY hard. Nursing school while having 2 kids, a full time business to run, and a husband who was gone a LOT for the military.....don't even get me started. But with a LOT of prayer and determination and A LOT of support from family, friends, and fellow nursing school friends, I made it through. 

In the second to last last semester, the school allows you to apply for a preceptor-ship for your last semester clinical. A preceptor-ship is a 1:1 clinical in a specialized area. You are not guaranteed it. You have to write an essay explaining why you want it, why you would be a good representative of the school, and have good grades. There are a few ICU slots, cardiac, pediatric, and OCCASIONALLY an OB option. Of COURSE I wanted the OB option. So did a few other students in my class. So I got to writing my essay. I talked about my journey over the previous 9 yrs, Rosie, why I wanted OB, submitted the essay and application, and then prayed....HARD. If this is literally what I started school for, I wanted to be 100% sure this was right for me. I wanted to experience it more in depth than our 3 day OB clinical we received. 

After finals were graded, and last semester was planned out by the professors, we received our clinical rotation for Spring 2020 semester. I scrolled through all of the group clinicals and did not see my name....I kept scrolling. Under Preceptorship label I saw My name:

Erin Foster- L&D........

Then I scrolled to the right to see the hospital I would be working in.......my heart stopped and leapt at the same time......ROSIE'S hospital!! The same floor I delivered her on and the only place I got to hold her in my arms for 4 days. Funny thing? This is NOT the typical hospital system our school works with. They typically work with one of the other major group her in our city. I was in literal shock! What are the odds?

So fast forward to last semester. Everyone is starting their clinical rotations, and I had still not heard from my nurse preceptor from the hospital to set up my schedule. I was starting to get frustrated when she finally responded, "I am sorry, I don't know why they chose me, I am on vacation almost all of Feb and all of Mar."

How the HECK am I supposed to get 130 hours in when my preceptor is gone 2/3 months I have to fit those hours into?!?

I called my sister (a NICU nurse at this hospital) crying. So upset because if they couldn't find me a new preceptor, I would have to fall in with one of the groups and not get my chance in OB. SO I started praying.....

The next day, my sister was leaving her shift and was on the elevator. She started up a random conversation about children with a girl she had never met in the elevator. THey rode the bus to the parking lot together and this stranger was telling my sister how she was bummed because she wanted to work up the clinical ladder (a program to help with raises and certifications), and since she worked all 3 departments in OB (L&D, maternal special care, and mother infant), that she couldn't orient a new nurse......this triggered a question from my sister: "Could you precept a nursing student and get the credit for the clinical ladder?"

This stranger replied: "I don't know, I don't see why not. Why?"

My sister: "Well, my sister has a problem....." And the proceeded to tell her what happened. 

They exchanged information, and within a week, this RANDOM stranger became my new preceptor.....what are the odds?

6 GLORIOUS weeks of working next to Amber. I helped deliver babies in the operating room I had Rosie in, I helped deliver a baby in the L&D room they held me unitl my c-section. I took care of a mom in the maternal special care room I stayed in and held my daughter for 4 days. I opened the fridge that my daughter stayed cool in for 4 days.......and I was in PURE HEAVEN. I get to be near my earthly children every day. I get to hold them, love them, and help them grow. But being on that floor, in those rooms, in that environment...i felt SOOOOO close to my daughter in heaven. Like I could be with her when I was at work, and with my earthly daughters here at home.....

Then Covid hit. 

I was unable to finish my last shift and properly thank the management and my preceptor for the experience. I wanted to hand my resume to the hiring manager before I left and tell her I was very interested if a position opened. But none of that happened. 

I graduated virtually Cum Laude, and even received a leadership award from the college of nursing. It SHOULD have been the culmination of my nursing school career with my friends and family there to support me, and my sister there to pin me, but it was depressing and anticlimactic. 

I went on to apply for RN to BSN programs, which I got accepted to a phenomenal program....the same program my sister graduated from traditional BSN. I broke my leg (another story for another day) and used that time to study for the NCLEX, and apply for jobs. HOWEVER, most of the hospitals were on hiring freezes. But I kept praying. Foster asked what the cut off for me to get my "dream job" would be before I "settled" for a different job. Most people will tell you they won't hire new grads into L&D. They want you to have your BSN, and 2 yrs of med-surg experience before you can get a L&D job. 

My response was always: L&D is what I am supposed to be doing, and years working in the ED and as an Army medic, I have a lot more "experience" than a lot of new nurses. So I stuck to my guns. And I am SOOOOOO glad I did. 

In June, a positon opened in Rosie's L&D unit! I immediately applied. I sent in my thank you card and resume to the hiring manager, and before I knew it I had an interview......the MORNING before I was to take the NCLEX......talk about no sleep. LOL. 

The interview went amazing, and I PASSED my NCLEX all in the same day, and that next Monday, I was offered the job.......during a pandemic WHILE most of the hospitals were on hiring freezes...what are the odds? I have cried so many happy tears because I know the Truth...

When you follow HIS plans for you, when you turn EVERYTHING over to Him, there are no odds....it is His will and it WILL happen if HE wants it to! Rosie's death was so much more than me losing a child. I TRULY feel it was for me to find my path, to connect closer to God, and to finally be able to help others on their journey of baby loss. Some of my baby loss moms started non profits, some write or speak to the public...me? I was supposed to be a L&D nurse.....Just like my Granny Phillippa (Who Rosie is buried with and Pippa is named after.....what are the odds??)

So tomorrow I start. I start this next chapter of my life in L&D. Please pray for me. Pray I can be the best nurse for ALL of my patients.  Pray I am able to touch others' lives, pray I can be a light in the dark.....and pray for my nerves LOL... I feel like it is the first day of school as a kid LOL. 

I just wanted to write all of this down so I can see His love for me during times of doubt, and to hopefully inspire someone else to follow their dreams and listen to their hearts!

With One Voice: A Strong Foundation

“Therefore whoever hears these sayings of Mine, and does them, I will liken him to a wise man who built his house on the rock: and the rain descended, the floods came, and the winds blew and beat on that house; and it did not fall, for it was founded on the rock. “But everyone who hears these sayings of Mine, and does not do them, will be like a foolish man who built his house on the sand: and the rain descended, the floods came, and the winds blew and beat on that house; and it fell. And great was its fall.”(Matthew : 24-28)

When this parable was read in church today, it made me start thinking, hard. I realized that I was blessed with a family who encouraged and helped build a strong foundation in my faith. Growing up I probably complained more than I should have about attending church, but if I didn't I wouldn't have been a typical teenager. I was unaware of how important my faith would be to me later on in life.

Luckily, after growing up, I continued to practice my faith and hold a personal relationship with God. Just like any other relationship, the foundation is the most important piece. If you have a strong foundation in a marriage, friendship, or with God, no matter what obstacles are thrown in the way, your relationship will take the beating and survive. If however, your relationship is built out of weak "material", the relationship is doomed in tough times and tragedy. Examples of this material may be greed, pride, lust, you get the point. If you are with someone purely for sex, most likely the relationship won't hold up once something strains it, makes it too "real". If you are friends with someone because they can benefit you in some way, shape, or form, there is a good chance the friendship will end as soon as they are no use to you. The same goes for a relationship with God.

If your relationship is an "as needed" relationship, where you turn to him when you want something, but do not thanks him when you get it, or give yourself the credit without realizing you didn't do it by yourself; then most likely as soon as a major tragedy strikes, you will easily turn your back on Him. I have to admit, there have been many moments int he past ten months where I have gotten angry, asked Him "Why?" and tried to understand why he would take my child away from me. However, just like when my best friend JJ and I fight, as soon as I calm down, I am able to think clearly, and realized that it was not His fault and I must have faith that He will comfort me. "Just a a mother comforts her child, so will I comfort you." (Isaiah 66:13)

What are the basic building blocks of a strong foundation? Just as the deadly sins make for a weak foundation, the virtues are best to build a strong foundation; Faith, Hope and Charity.

Faith by definition is "belief that is not based on truth". As Christians, we have a faith that there is an amazing afterlife for us to look forward to, and eternal life in paradise with our Maker. We have faith that God knows what is best for us and will never give us more than we can handle.

Hope is the belief in a positive outcome related to events and circumstances in one's life. We have hope that we will make it to heaven if we lead a good life here on earth. I have that much more of an incentive to lead a good life here. I want to meet my daughter for the first time. I want to walk through the gates of heaven and hold her and hug her and play with her. I also have hope that God will bless me. It may not be on my schedule, or in the time I want, but he will. I may have to wait until I go to Heaven to get these blessings, but I have hope I will receive them.


Charity is the practice of benevolent giving and caring. "I tell you the truth, whatever you did for the least of my brothers, you did for me.' (Matthew 25:40). Loving and giving to our fellow brothers and sisters is one of the most important ways to live a Christian life and build your relationship with God. Jesus' life was spent caring for the sick and poor. Every person we help is as if we are doing it to Christ. "Treat others the way you want to be treated."

I know the loss of a child can literally rock a foundation, it rocked mine, but I am blessed that it did not crumble my house. To my BLMs: How has your faith been tested since the loss of your child? Did your foundation hold up?

Sunday's Sermon

I know it has been way too long since i have posted what I learned from the Sunday service, but it is because I have not gotten the chance to go to church! I have felt like something was missing, because I have missed mass for 3 weekends in a row. THe first was because we were on a strict deadline back from North Carolina on Sunday, and HAD to be back in town to drop off the rental by 5pm. The following weekend I had drill for the National Guard, and unfortunately we were not released in time for me to make either evening masses. Then I was in Chicago with the girls. We were going to go to the evening mass when we returned on Sunday, but then we got caught in traffic for 2.5 hours on the way home so we didn't make it in time (that is a story I have yet to finish telling you guys!). So, come Hell or high water, I was bound and determined to make it this week. Thank the Lord, because our command released us early on Saturday so FOster and I were able to attend evening mass together.

I really needed this week's message. Obviously Foster and I are still trying to conceive. This was the third month of failure. I know this does not seem very long to people who have been trying to conceive for years, but as a Baby Loss Mom, there is an urgency to fill a void. Notice how I said "fill a void", and not "replace my baby". The"empty arm syndrome", not even close to the "empty nest syndrome" or the "restless leg syndrome", is what I am trying to ease the pain of. I know no other baby will take the place of Rosie, but I yearn for the day that my arms will hold a child.

"Then the Lord answered me and said: Write down the vision clearly on tablets, so that one can read it readily. For the vision still has its time, presses on to fulfillment, and will not disappoint; If it delays, wait for it, it will surely come, it will not be late." Habakkuk 2: 2-3

My feeling of urgency is useless. I must hold faith that God has his plans for me and Foster. We have no control over the timing that God has already planned for us, and we just have to continue to pray and try. It will happen in His time. I have to admit, every month that my monthly shows, it becomes harder and harder to hold to that faith. "Lord Increase our faith" (Luke 17:5) I find myself asking for this every month. I have to have faith that He knows what he is doing, and hope that the visions of being a mother come to fruition in due time.

This message at mass was just what I needed this week. I am sooooooo glad that Foster and I were able to make it to church together this week.

P.S. I LOVE my new projects from moms of Rosie's name....scroll down and check them out on the right hand side. And I also love the fact i have music to my blog now! all of the songs have to do with angels, roses, or have a special place in my heart. I figured it was time since my theme is "dancing through the garden of life". Enjoy!!!

There is a Season...Turn, Turn, Turn,

September has seemed to be a pretty pivotal month in my life. September is the month I first met my husband, September is the month that Foster and I got engaged, and then found out we were pregnant a few weeks later. So that means technically September is when we conceived our daughter. September 18th was supposed to be our wedding date until we moved it up because of Rosie.

Up until Faces of Loss, Faces of Hope asked me how the season changing influences my grief, I really had not thought about all of this. However, I have noticed that although there have been a lot of beautiful moments this month, I have been a little melancholy. If last September had never happened, if for some reason it was erased from my past, so many things would be different. Would they be better? I don't necessarily think so.

If it were not for September, I would never have seen the sweet face of my baby girl. If it were not for September, I would never have know a love so strong for someone else that the thought of them immediately puts a smile on my face and makes my heart feel like it is going to burst. Because although she is not in my arms, my love for Rosie is still so intense. It is a mother's love.
True, if last September didn't happen, there would be a lot less pain, but with pain comes understanding, appreciation, and hope.

I know that sounds weird, but hear me out. Understanding for grief and how to help people in theirs has been one of the amazing revelations I have had in this process. Prior to losing Rosie, I was very unsure around grieving people. I never knew what to say, how to act, or what to do. Now I know all they want is an "I am sorry", plain and simple. I understand.

I have appreciation. I have appreciation for the simplest things in life. Walking with my friend and mother on the beach during a beautiful sun rise while writing angel baby names in the sand. I truly appreciated the quiet, peaceful time I got to spend with two women that I love with all of my heart. I appreciate every morning that I wake up alive and healthy, something a lot of people take for granted. I appreciate every moment I get to spend with Foster, the love of my life. I could not ask for a better husband.

I am hopeful. I am filled with hope for the future, because, "Though he brings grief, he will show compassion, so great is his unfailing love." Lamentations 3:32. I truly believe after all of what my family an I have gone through in the past year, that there will be some compassion and happiness in our future. I hope every month that I will be able to tell my mother and father that they will be expecting another grandchild. The future "memory" that keeps me going is the scene in the delivery room when we give birth to a healthy, crying baby. The mix of excitement and tears that will fill that room is going to be overwhelming. THAT is what gives me hope!

Each changing of the season will bring more sad memories and "what could have beens". What would I be dressing Rosie up for Halloween as? What would she get for her first Christmas? Would she have loved her grandma's mashed potatoes as much as I do? Would she be afraid of Santa? However, as the leaves change colors, the snow starts to fall, and ultimately the trees start to bud all over again, I am reminded that life continues, and with each changing season is the hope of a happiness in the future. For Ecclesiastes says it best (Or the Byrds):To every thing there is a season, and a time to every purpose under the heaven. A time to weep, and a time to laugh; a time to mourn, and a time to dance;(Ecclesiastes 3:1 and 4). We have been mourning, we have been weeping. I am sure our time to laugh and dance will come in time. And who knows what next September will bring.

Spiritual Sunday: Bread of Life

As I have mentioned NUMEROUS times (only about every Sunday), Foster and I feel close as a family at mass on Sundays. We also are usually struck with a sadness we do not feel embarrassed about when we are there. The sermons and readings usually somehow correlate with what is going on in our lives at the moment, and almost always remind us of Rosie. However, after the sermon, the readings and the Eucharistic prayers, I thought this would end up being the very first Sunday since April 20th that would NOT remind me of my daughter. Of course I thought of her, there isn't a moment that goes by that I do not think about her, but I feel like she always makes her presence known in church, like she wants to remind us that she is looking out for us. I look forward to this every Sunday.

I was a little disappointed that my little girl didn't come to "visit" mommy and daddy today, but figured maybe she realizes we are healing, and don't need constant reminders anymore, because we just know she is there. Well, I gave up on her too soon. Before I even got the chance to open the hymnal to see what song would be played as we took communion, I heard the opening notes played on the piano and my eyes welled up with tears. They were playing the same song that we played while we took communion at her funeral "The Bread of Life." I sang with all of my heart, as tears streamed down my face I tried to keep my voice as steady as possible, because I felt as if she wanted me to sing, that she was making it a point to remind me that she IS still here with us. Foster rubbed my back and scooted just a few more inches closer. As I knelt in front of the miracle of the Eucharist, preparing to receive the Body and Blood, I thanked God for once again showing me why I love Him so much, and why I love Rosie so much. We are NEVER alone, and our prayers WILL be answered, even if it is in the form of a song as a reminder.

There will always be four songs out of the hundreds in the missal that will forever hurt my heart: Bread of life, On Eagles Wings, Be Not Afraid, and Amazing Grace. However, from now on, I will belt them out to the best of my ability while the tears fall.

I do feel bad for the man sitting in front of me, because although I was not literally sobbing, the tears were in a constant stream and fell on the bench in front of us, so I am sure he now has a big wet mark on his butt from sitting in a pool of my tears.
Here is the song....who knew it could be found on YouTube?!?! He will raise me up on the last day, and when He does, I will be greeted by my beautiful Rosie.

Sailing the River

I had my MRI on Friday. First off, I became a pin cushion for the tech. I had gone for a run in the morning with Mrs. Prince, we are trying to work off the baby weight. I tried to drink as much water as I could to replenish the fluid I lost in the 4 miles I jogged/walked but I guess it was not enough. It took the tech three attempts to finally get a viable IV started on me to administer the contrast. She said if she didn't get it the third time, she was going to send me home and make me come back in in a few days. I am glad she got it, because I would have been very frustrated if I had to go in a third time to get the MRI. So as I was laying there through the exam, I started to wonder how the heck I was able to sleep through my last MRI.
When I was in 68W training (the medic school for the Army), I had some major shoulder pain that ended up being a damaged nerve resulting in a condition they call "Rucksack Palsy", or Parsonage Turner Syndrome. Anyway, before they were able to tell what was wrong, the Army doc ordered an MRI of my shoulder. As I lay in the big noisy machine on Friday, I wondered how the heck I slept through the entire 45 min exam the first time. Yes, they gave me ear plugs my first time, but even with the ear protection on this time, the machine sounded like a jackhammer drilling away. I realized I must have been exhausted during training.
Now that I reflect back, one thing the Army taught me, in addition to shooting and running, clearing a building, and saving a fellow soldier, is to sleep anywhere, anytime. I even learned how to sleep standing up. I remember falling asleep on the rifle range while the other half of the soldiers were firing their M16s, I guess the rat-a-tat-tat of the weapons was an interesting type of white noise. Of course when I was up at 4 am every morning and lucky to get to bed by 10pm, I worked out and trained all day and even occasionally in the middle of the night when a Drill Sargent felt like being extra mean, I learned really quickly to catch a wink of sleep whenever the opportunity arose. I must have really needed a good nap when I was in the MRI machine back then, because there was no way I could have slept through it yesterday.
The coolest part of the MRI yesterday was that they had a pair of head phones I could wear and listen to music through the process. I asked her to play a little country music. I love country. People make fun of it, but I feel country is a main stream kind of gospel music. Most of the music is focused on family, God, love, and even loss. Even if you don't like country, I guarantee you there is a country song that you can relate to. One of my favorite artists came on toward the end of the exam, Garth Brooks. I have always loved his music, even before I became a country fan. All of the sudden, a song of his that I have loved for years took on a whole new meaning. "The River". There is a verse that goes:

There's bound to be rough waters
And I know I'll take some falls
But with the good Lord as my captain
I can make it through them all...yes

I will sail my vessel
'Til the river runs dry
Like a bird upon the wind
These waters are my sky
I'll never reach my destination
If I never try
So I will sail my vessel
'Til the river runs dry

garth brooks -- the river @ Yahoo! Video

I started to tear up. It was so true. I have take probably the biggest fall I will ever have to face in life this past April. I have given my burdens and grief up to God and asked for his strength and trusted him to be my captain through the rest of this journey. I will continue to sail wherever this river and this wind blows me. And I will not give up until he calls me up with him.

Thanks and Praise

Thank you guys. I am amazed at how blessed Foster and I are with friends and family! You guys are what have helped us through. Like I said don't worry, I will be fine. I was warned about these moments, and as one of my dear friends said, "Healing happens in that dark place." I embrace these dark places, I "ride the wave of grief", because it is in these sad and dark moments that the healing does happen and I can feel Rosie wrapping her arms around me trying to console me. I wake up every morning (or afternoon like today..lol) and thank God for the many gifts I do have. You know what they say, Thank, Praise and Then Ask. So I thank God for all of you, for Foster, for the home I have. I praise God for all of the amazing things he has created, like the beautiful lives that are about to enter this world, and the happy, healthy little boy for whom I have absolutely fallen in love with (Baby Prince), and then ask Him to lead me in the right direction, give me strength, give me hope, and IF it is in His plan, give Foster and I the family we have prayed for. I told Foster about the 0.0 Hcg from the blood draw yesterday and he was actually sad about it. I asked, "Are you disappointed? You were really hoping I was pregnant weren't you?"

He replied "Every month I will hope you are, and will probably be disappointed if you are not."
I told him, "Don't worry, Bug, JJ and I are heading to Vegas in September, and you know what happened last time," We fought the entire time I was in Vegas last time, when I got home we made up in Nashville, and next four weeks we found out we were expecting. Maybe a trip to Nashville is in order too! Needless to say, I did not expect Foster to be sad about the BFN (in Baby Loss World that means Big Fat Negative).

I DO have another blog to finish and post today, an update about our ornery little dogs, but I have to go pick up Bug and help her get her car out of the tow lot. Oh the life of Bug, that is an entirely different story. I could create an entirely new blog off her adventures! Enjoy this beautiful day, and once again, thank you all for your love and support.

His Mysterious Ways

I walked into work yesterday and took my seat at the ER desk. I was put on light duty when the bleeding started in the second trimester, and remain on the desk until I feel I am strong enough physically and emotionally to go back on the ER floor. Honestly, I think the physical part of me will be ready before the emotional. You never know what you will run into on the floor, babies, abused women, pregnant women, etc., and it can get VERY stressful. Although I seem to be pretty emotionally stable to most, the truth is I get emotional very easily, just ask Foster. At this point, I am not sure how I would handle an immense amount of stress, so I am happy to keep my butt at the desk for as long as my boss allows me. Also, I like the fact that I can kind of "escape" and not talk to anyone if I don't want to while I am working as the Unit Clerk and can escape into my thoughts.

Well, I was sitting there when a familiar face walked up in scrubs. I had to do a double take because I am used to seeing this same face in Army combat uniform (ACUs). "Ray" is a fellow soldier who happens to be in my National Guard Unit. He and I have hit it off as friends because not only are we in the same unit, but we also endured the torture of ROTC at Ohio State together. For those of you who are not familiar with the military jargon, ROTC is Officer training that you participate in while you are in college.

When I realized who I was looking at I was surprised and happy to see him. "Where did you come from?" Ray asked.

"I have been working here for almost 3 years, where did YOU come from?" I responded. Apparently he was recently hired while I was gone for my 6 week leave.

All of the sudden his smile dropped, and he started apologizing, "I am so sorry, I am so sorry."
To most, this would appear to be his way of showing his condolences, but what my other coworkers did not realize, is that Ray and I had had a really serious conversation the day before Rosie passed.

Sunday of my drill weekend, I was as big as a house and sitting on one of the chairs in the common room with my swollen feet elevated as high as I could get them. Ray sat down beside me, "Hey Finny," he greeted using my nickname amongst my fellow soldiers, "how are you feeling lately?"

"Pretty good," I replied, "Obviously a lot of swelling, but the baby and I are doing well, thanks."

"Will you do me a favor?" He asked, "Keep close track of your kicks and the baby's movement."

"Sure," I said, "But why the concern?"

"I just witnessed a 36 week baby pass in its mother's womb. She had noticed a decrease in movement, and when she came in they could not find the baby's heartbeat. It was heartbreaking, and it made me realize that even this far the baby is still not 'in the clear'," he explained.

"That is awful! I cannot even imagine," I exclaimed. "I don't know what I would do," I said as I rubbed my hand protectively over my belly.

Now he was apologizing for this conversation, as if he had jinxed me, "Oh hun! Don't be sorry. After our conversation, I was so attentive to all of Rosie's movements. If it had not been for your advice, I may not have realized as quickly as I did that something was wrong. Thank you." I tried to put him at ease.

"Thank you? Are you serious? Ever since I heard the news all I kept thinking about is that conversation, and have felt so bad," he said.

"Please don't. It is not your fault."

"I am so sorry for your loss," Ray said as he gave me a quick hug.

It is funny, because just like Ray, I have thought back to the talk we had many times, and kept thinking about how I never imagined that I would be going through the same pain that the mother he had mentioned is. I also wondered what I would do if I was that mother. Well, I now am that mother, and I am dealing. It is amazing how much strength God gives us, and it is true, he does not ever give us more than we can handel. This story is just another example of the ways I believe God was preparing me and warning me that something was going to happen. God sure does work in mysterious ways!

A Road paved by Rose

What is normal? I have been told by numerous people that I am "unique", that I am not "normal" (in a good way). I have to admit, before losing Rosie, I was a completely different person. Don't get me wrong, I am still Erin. I still love life, enjoy people, and have passion for everything I love, but I am different. These past eight weeks have changed me, for the good.

When Foster and I joined our church, they constantly talk about ministry. There are a ton of ministries we can join in our church: choir, grounds crew, St. Vincent de Paul charity foundation, Eucharistic Minister, the list is endless. When I was pregnant with Rosie, I was sure that the ministry I would be best at was the choir since I love to sing, and was in choir for years. I was determined to join as soon as Foster finished RCIA. Well, three weeks later, we lost our daughter. Now singing is a very emotional thing for me, especially in church because every time I would sing, Rosie would flip, kick and roll, as if she were dancing to my song. Now, it saddens me to sing, because she has to enjoy the music from heaven. So I started praying for God to show me what ministry I should focus on now.

About 4 weeks ago I went to my favorite salon to get my hair done. The last time my hair stylist saw me, I was 6 months pregnant, so she was devastated when she heard our story. She was completely inspired by how strong I was and how well Foster and I were dealing with the situation. I left the salon with a beautiful new hairstyle, and a new bounce in my step. As I was leaving, another client walked in. As my stylist, Sara, talked with this woman, she started to tell the new client my story. This woman happens to be a founder of a non-profit organization that helps families who are suffering similar circumstances as Foster and I. Sara thought it was a sign from God that she walked in moments after I walked out, so she got contact information, and passed it on to me.

I called "Kami", and have been inspired. I feel as if God answered my prayers, and has shown me what my ministry is supposed to be. Kami mentioned my uniqueness also. Although they have many people on their board and involved with this group, I am unique in the fact that I have a late term loss, and according to her, I am coping better than most mommies she has worked with. She is "amazed at my strength", and feels I can help future families that will feel this pain. I explained to her, just like everyone else, that I do not feel strong, I just feel like this happened to me for a reason, and even if I will never know the reason, I am bound and determined to make a positive reason our of this experience.

For those of you who know me, you know I have been a little scatter brained through life. I have changed schools three times, changed majors about seven time, moved over 13 times in ten years, and held numerous jobs. In the past year, I have grounded myself, gotten married, moved into a house, and am 2 quarters from finishing my degree. I was researching my options for the future when all of this happened. Although nothing is set in stone yet, for the first time in a long time, I feel like I have a purpose, that I have a direction, and this path was paved by Rosie. If I can help just one mother through the pain I have endured, help one family through this journey, I will feel like Rosie's life and my pain has purpose.

I have to admit, I am a little scared. If you remember, I have mentioned how I feel the Devil is, unsuccessfully, trying to destroy Foster and I and our family. Kami said something that hit close to home. She warned me that since she started her ministry, the Devil has been very prominent. He has tried over the past 5 years to destroy her family, her faith, her ministry, and now her health. She claims that since she started this organization, her life has become more difficult because Satan hates it when people try to do God's work. However, no matter how hard Satan tries, he has been unsuccessful in ruining her goals, and God has stepped in to protect her when things have gotten too bad. I KNOW that this is what I am supposed to get involved in, and I just pray that God keeps me strong, and I do not get discouraged if life throws me obstacles in the months and years to come.

So, am I "unique"? Am I "abnormal" (in a good way)? I don't think so. I think that I am just a grieving mother trying her hardest to give meaning to her daughter's death.

Signs she is with me!

I am a firm believer that God has his own ways of comforting us. How many times do we ask for signs from God? Have you truly taken the time to look around and notice them? Well, I have noticed that in this time of grief, God has given me many signs that my little Rosie is watching out for me, and on this night, the eve of her original due date, I am going to share a few with you.

1. Mothers Day was looking to be a very hard day for Foster and I. For the obvious reason, but also because the night before we stood at his best friend's mother's bedside as she took her last breath. Foster pretty much grew up in this woman's house, she was like a second mom to him. We woke up in the morning and attended an early Catholic mass so we could attend church service with his best friend, Mr. Red, and his family. As we met up with the Reds, the day was somber due to the passing of Grandma Red, but being together made everything seem just a little better. We sat through a couple of opening songs, when all of the sudden the all too familiar words came on the big screen preparing the congregation for the next hymn, "Amazing Grace, how sweet the song, That saved a wretch like me......." I started to laugh and smile through tears of pain. This was the first song that was played at Rosie's funeral. Foster grabbed my hand and squeezed. I looked down the line of my friends, and there was not a dry eye in the bunch.

As we all dried our tears and sat down, the pastor opened the bible and read from Luke chapter 18 verse 15-17 "......Let the children come to me, and do not hinder them, for the kingdom of God is theirs....". This time the entire row of our friends leaned towards me and smiled, because they had all been present when these exact words had been read at Rosie's funeral. It was her way of letting her mommy know that she was with me on Mother's Day, and although I was sad, I was truly comforted, thanked God for this blatant sign, and enjoyed the rest of my Mother's Day.


2. Foster and I moved into our new house a little over a year ago. When we moved in the yard and garden was a bit of a mess. I had numerous rose bushes that had gone unattended for 2 years, and needed some major TLC. I was able to get most of the rose bushes to bloom last spring, but there was this one particular bush that didn't even get a single bud on it. This year Foster got a trellis for it to grow up, and it seemed to take a liking to this, because when Foster and I returned from a trip to Port Clinton, this is what it looked like:
We returned home 2 days before our C-section had been scheduled. To top it off, this rose bush has at least thirty to forty more buds, it is going to bloom all summer! It is such a comfort every time I walk out my front door and every time I return home.

3. Foster and I got into a little fight the other night. No, as much as we seem like the perfect couple, we are still human, and still have our differences. It was over something really stupid, the air conditioning. However, being the hormonal psycho I am right now, this was a big deal to me at that moment. I got so upset and hot, that I decided to go down stairs where the temperature was easily ten degrees cooler. As I lay on the couch, tears quickly turned into sobs as I started thinking of Rosie. Then I found myself praying to God to give me a sign she was around and watching over her mom and dad. I fell asleep before God could answer my prayers that night. I was woken up by a text message. It was from a number I did not have programed into my phone so did not recognize, and the first word I saw when I opened it was "Rose". It read "Just wondering how you were doing.~Rose" Although I knew it was a girl from work named Rose, I almost felt like it was my own little personal message from my Rosie.

As I went downstairs to make coffee and breakfast I flipped on the TV. It happened to be on "A Baby Story", which I have avoided like the plague lately, but before I could change it, I hear "It is our little Rosie." Apparently the parents kept the sex a surprise, and as she saw the sex, she announce her name. I guess God answered my prayers from the night before.

Although some people would think these were all coincidence, I truly believe that God does not need to make a bush burn, walk on water, or drop manna from heaven to show us that he is with us and he cares. If we only take the time to look and listen, we can see the small signs he gives us every day.

Here is an update on the puppies...

Rowdy is getting ready to go to his first puppy preschool this Saturday. He is growing up very fast, but is still a little bouncing fur ball, and makes me laugh multiple times a day. Gotta love that one, beautiful blue eye!


Reagan is her same goofy self. She is still very UN-ladylike with her clumsy ways, and her belching after every meal. She has recently become camera shy i don't think she likes the flash, but if she even sees Foster of I holding the camera, she flees to the other room. I have resorted to holding her in order to capture a shot!