What is normal? I have been told by numerous people that I am "unique", that I am not "normal" (in a good way). I have to admit, before losing Rosie, I was a completely different person. Don't get me wrong, I am still Erin. I still love life, enjoy people, and have passion for everything I love, but I am different. These past eight weeks have changed me, for the good.
When Foster and I joined our church, they constantly talk about ministry. There are a ton of ministries we can join in our church: choir, grounds crew, St. Vincent de Paul charity foundation, Eucharistic Minister, the list is endless. When I was pregnant with Rosie, I was sure that the ministry I would be best at was the choir since I love to sing, and was in choir for years. I was determined to join as soon as Foster finished RCIA. Well, three weeks later, we lost our daughter. Now singing is a very emotional thing for me, especially in church because every time I would sing, Rosie would flip, kick and roll, as if she were dancing to my song. Now, it saddens me to sing, because she has to enjoy the music from heaven. So I started praying for God to show me what ministry I should focus on now.
About 4 weeks ago I went to my favorite salon to get my hair done. The last time my hair stylist saw me, I was 6 months pregnant, so she was devastated when she heard our story. She was completely inspired by how strong I was and how well Foster and I were dealing with the situation. I left the salon with a beautiful new hairstyle, and a new bounce in my step. As I was leaving, another client walked in. As my stylist, Sara, talked with this woman, she started to tell the new client my story. This woman happens to be a founder of a non-profit organization that helps families who are suffering similar circumstances as Foster and I. Sara thought it was a sign from God that she walked in moments after I walked out, so she got contact information, and passed it on to me.
I called "Kami", and have been inspired. I feel as if God answered my prayers, and has shown me what my ministry is supposed to be. Kami mentioned my uniqueness also. Although they have many people on their board and involved with this group, I am unique in the fact that I have a late term loss, and according to her, I am coping better than most mommies she has worked with. She is "amazed at my strength", and feels I can help future families that will feel this pain. I explained to her, just like everyone else, that I do not feel strong, I just feel like this happened to me for a reason, and even if I will never know the reason, I am bound and determined to make a positive reason our of this experience.
For those of you who know me, you know I have been a little scatter brained through life. I have changed schools three times, changed majors about seven time, moved over 13 times in ten years, and held numerous jobs. In the past year, I have grounded myself, gotten married, moved into a house, and am 2 quarters from finishing my degree. I was researching my options for the future when all of this happened. Although nothing is set in stone yet, for the first time in a long time, I feel like I have a purpose, that I have a direction, and this path was paved by Rosie. If I can help just one mother through the pain I have endured, help one family through this journey, I will feel like Rosie's life and my pain has purpose.
I have to admit, I am a little scared. If you remember, I have mentioned how I feel the Devil is, unsuccessfully, trying to destroy Foster and I and our family. Kami said something that hit close to home. She warned me that since she started her ministry, the Devil has been very prominent. He has tried over the past 5 years to destroy her family, her faith, her ministry, and now her health. She claims that since she started this organization, her life has become more difficult because Satan hates it when people try to do God's work. However, no matter how hard Satan tries, he has been unsuccessful in ruining her goals, and God has stepped in to protect her when things have gotten too bad. I KNOW that this is what I am supposed to get involved in, and I just pray that God keeps me strong, and I do not get discouraged if life throws me obstacles in the months and years to come.
So, am I "unique"? Am I "abnormal" (in a good way)? I don't think so. I think that I am just a grieving mother trying her hardest to give meaning to her daughter's death.
Well Here's a Huge Update
2 months ago