My Family!!

My Family!!

Monday, June 7, 2010

Back to Work

Today marks the day I return to work. For those of you who do not already know, I work as an Emergency Room Tech. This sounds like, and is, a very exciting job. I love the people I work with, and love the job I do. So why am I so nervous about returning?

Lets just say that the last seven weeks of my life have drastically changed me. Some friends and family would say that I am strong, that I seem like I am coping well. This is semi-true. I am doing everything I know to cope with the multiple losses I have endured in the past 7 weeks. I have joined support groups, set up a scholarship in Rosie's name, and am getting involved with a group dedicated to helping women going through the loss of their child. I have written blogs to express my emotions, and when I have needed to, I have cried in private. Foster expressed it this way, "Today marks the day that our lives officially start to go back to normal." I don't know if this is entirely true. I don't think my life will ever go back to "normal". My world was rocked on April 20th 2010, and highly doubt it will ever be the same again. There was my life before that date, and my life after, and that will always be the pivotal moment.

I remember one particular moment while working I will never forget. I was working on the desk, and a woman was wheeled in seven and a half months pregnant. She was having major pains and the baby seemed to be in distress. The staff was working to get her transferred to the main branch of our hospital that is more capable of dealing with OB medicine. I was so nervous for her. I found out her due date was only a week before mine. I thought and prayed for her the rest of the night. I prayed that she and her baby would be healthy and safe. This nameless patient jerked me back into reality, that that could be me. Little did I know that it WOULD be me, only when they checked my baby, she would not be in distress, she had already gone up to heaven.

Going back to work scares me for a number of reasons. When I step onto that floor, it is eight to twelve hours surrounded by people the entire time. Eight to twelve hours of not being able to nap when I want to, get away and cry if I want to, and eight to twelve hours away from my husband and the comfort of my own home. For those of you who have known me at all prior to April 20th may be confused, because this does not sound like the old Erin. The new Erin likes the comfort of her home, the feeling of safety I get from being around Foster. I feel that if anything happens, as long as he is there, I will be okay. Obviously he can't go to work with me, so I will have to go it alone. The privacy at work is non existent. Unlike my home, I can't hide away and cry when I want to. I will have to keep my emotions in check for eight to twelve hours.

I may be completely overreacting. I could just be working myself up, and I will be just fine at work tonight. Maybe it will be a great distraction, and allow me to focus on something else. However, a small part of me feels like this is abandoning my child. I feel like if I am moving on, that I will be moving away from her. Once again, I know this is ridiculous, but these are the thoughts that go through my head. There is nothing that can happen, short of a total brain injury, that will cause me to forget Rosie. Life has to move on. Life has been moving on without me for the last seven weeks, and now is the time for me to jump back in and join the world again.

I am nervous about are all the questions. Working in the medical world, everyone wants to know the how's and why's of the situation. Prior to this weekend, I think I was emotionally stable enough to deal with all of the questions. However, with the passing of Mama JJ, more wounds are wide open and my emotions are on edge once again. I also know there will be numerous questions about Mama JJ, because so many of the nurses and staff were praying for her and her family. I just pray that I can be strong and explain what happened without breaking out into tears.

The last thing I am afraid of is all the babies. We have a pregnant Doctor, two nurses who gave birth to their daughters shortly before I lost Rosie, and one woman in x-ray that not only had her baby right before mine, but was a patient with my doctor and I saw her in the office numerous times. I am not looking forward to the pregnant women that come in to be checked. A lot of them do not take care of themselves. They drink, are on drugs, and have no prenatal care. It angers me to see women put their children at risk. Some of them come in and admit they do not want their children. I am afraid I may have problems keeping my mouth shut. those of you who know me in real life, know I can have a mouth on me, and I don't always think before I speak.

I have one consolation, my coworkers. They are a diverse assortment of personalities. There are ones who make me laugh and the ones who inspire me. We all care about each other, and are like one dysfunctional family. I have grown so much over the past few years with this amazing group of people. They helped keep me positive while Foster was deployed, they prayed for my family while we have gone through numerous tragedies this year, and I am sure they will help me ease back into the world that seems so overwhelming to me right now. I am sure there will be hugs, and tears, but I am sure, there will be smiles and laughter too. Look out ER, here I come!

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