September has seemed to be a pretty pivotal month in my life. September is the month I first met my husband, September is the month that Foster and I got engaged, and then found out we were pregnant a few weeks later. So that means technically September is when we conceived our daughter. September 18th was supposed to be our wedding date until we moved it up because of Rosie.
Up until Faces of Loss, Faces of Hope asked me how the season changing influences my grief, I really had not thought about all of this. However, I have noticed that although there have been a lot of beautiful moments this month, I have been a little melancholy. If last September had never happened, if for some reason it was erased from my past, so many things would be different. Would they be better? I don't necessarily think so.
If it were not for September, I would never have seen the sweet face of my baby girl. If it were not for September, I would never have know a love so strong for someone else that the thought of them immediately puts a smile on my face and makes my heart feel like it is going to burst. Because although she is not in my arms, my love for Rosie is still so intense. It is a mother's love.
True, if last September didn't happen, there would be a lot less pain, but with pain comes understanding, appreciation, and hope.
I know that sounds weird, but hear me out. Understanding for grief and how to help people in theirs has been one of the amazing revelations I have had in this process. Prior to losing Rosie, I was very unsure around grieving people. I never knew what to say, how to act, or what to do. Now I know all they want is an "I am sorry", plain and simple. I understand.
I have appreciation. I have appreciation for the simplest things in life. Walking with my friend and mother on the beach during a beautiful sun rise while writing angel baby names in the sand. I truly appreciated the quiet, peaceful time I got to spend with two women that I love with all of my heart. I appreciate every morning that I wake up alive and healthy, something a lot of people take for granted. I appreciate every moment I get to spend with Foster, the love of my life. I could not ask for a better husband.
I am hopeful. I am filled with hope for the future, because, "Though he brings grief, he will show compassion, so great is his unfailing love." Lamentations 3:32. I truly believe after all of what my family an I have gone through in the past year, that there will be some compassion and happiness in our future. I hope every month that I will be able to tell my mother and father that they will be expecting another grandchild. The future "memory" that keeps me going is the scene in the delivery room when we give birth to a healthy, crying baby. The mix of excitement and tears that will fill that room is going to be overwhelming. THAT is what gives me hope!
Each changing of the season will bring more sad memories and "what could have beens". What would I be dressing Rosie up for Halloween as? What would she get for her first Christmas? Would she have loved her grandma's mashed potatoes as much as I do? Would she be afraid of Santa? However, as the leaves change colors, the snow starts to fall, and ultimately the trees start to bud all over again, I am reminded that life continues, and with each changing season is the hope of a happiness in the future. For Ecclesiastes says it best (Or the Byrds):To every thing there is a season, and a time to every purpose under the heaven. A time to weep, and a time to laugh; a time to mourn, and a time to dance;(Ecclesiastes 3:1 and 4). We have been mourning, we have been weeping. I am sure our time to laugh and dance will come in time. And who knows what next September will bring.
Well Here's a Huge Update
2 months ago