My Family!!

My Family!!

Friday, September 3, 2010

A Healing Heart..Thank You Friends

These last couple of days I have made great strides in my healing journey. An old friend of mine from High school, we will call her "Mrs. Eastwood", gave birth to a beautiful baby girl early on Wednesday morning. For the first time I was not fretting like I had when Mrs. prince had gone into labor, or when "Mrs. Davey" gave birth five weeks ago. Mrs. Eastwood had struggled through this pregnancy with complications, and worries. She had been such a huge support through the loss of Rosie despite how it probably terrified her that there was a chance that she could end up in my shoes if her complications were bad enough. I found myself praying extra hard that my tenderhearted friend would make it through and never have to face the pain I had. She has had her share of loss, and her mother had a full term loss like myself. They have been amazing. I made it up in my mind that I was going to swallow my fears and visit her daughter Wednesday afternoon. At eight am on Wed, I was awoken with the "surprise" that once again Foster and I are not pregnant and found myself incredibly depressed. I debated not visiting. I felt like the morning surprise was like throwing salt in the wound, and wasnt sure if I would be able to keep a dry eye when visiting baby Eastwood.

I stopped, remembered all of the support that Mrs. Eastwood had given me, and realized that God had answered my prayers for her to have a healthy baby, so I could go and see this precious miracle.

I went. As I was driving to the hospital I started to get a little nervous. I do not like getting emotional in public and did not want to cry in front of the Eastwoods. As I parked the car I started to get a little more edgy because I was afraid that I would have to go onto the floor that I gave birth and see a room similar to the one I was in. Luckily, when I asked the information desk for the room number, I was relieved to find out she was not even on the same floor I had been on. She was on the 7th floor while I had stayed on the 6th floor the entire time.

I got into the room, peeked around the corner through the curtains, and saw this head full of fuzzy black hair. She was absolutely beautiful. The SECOND most beautiful newborn girl I have seen, Rosie being first of course. Her face has beautiful full cheeks and perfect lips. Mrs. Eastwood allowed me to hold her and she was sooooooo tiny. I was so happy for this new family, and holding this baby filled me with hope. I was so terrified that the feelings of jealousy and emptiness would rear their ugly heads, but instead felt happy and peaceful. I also got the added pleasure of spending time with Mr. Eastwood as mommy and baby tried nursing.

On my drive home, I made a phone call I should have made weeks ago. I finally called Mrs. Davey. Mrs. Davey and I have been friends for a few years since we met in college. We unfortunately do not spend as much time together as I would like on a normal basis because of life, but five weeks ago she gave birth to her little girl, and the only contact I have had with her was an email congratulating her but explaining it may be a while until I would visit. She was so incredibly understanding. Mrs. Davey has also been a huge support. Both her and her husband attended Rosie's funeral, and took the loss hard. My biggest issue was not that they had had a girl, but that they had had a girl who so closely resembles Rosie. This little girl has strawberry blond hair and very similar facial features. I had seen pictures of baby Davey, and I knew it would be hard to meet her in person. However, on my drive home from Mrs. Eastwood, I realized it was time. It was time to finally meet baby Davey. I left Mrs. Davey a message, and she called back and we planned on a visit Thursday.

When I arrived to meet baby Davey for the first time, there were no tears, just happiness from seeing a great friend I hadn't seen in months, and meeting the new addition to her family. I held the baby, fed her, burped her, and made silly faces at her. Mrs. Davey was shocked at how naturally it all came to me, and all I can say is it is all thanks to Baby Prince. I have gotten a lot of practice with him, so baby Davey was no problem. the best part of the whole day was getting to talk for a couple of hours with my friend. When you get Mrs. Davey and I together, we have held up restaurant tables for hours because of our talks. It was great, and so healing.

I felt like this was a great week in my journey. It was so good for me, and I am glad I had the strength to meet these two little girls. I feel like I am truly healing. I am not feeling the same pains in my heart when I see a pregnant woman. I am not wondering "why them and not me" every time another friend brings home a healthy baby. I know there will be bad days, and I will continue to live the rest of my life with a piece of my heart missing, but the rest of my broken heart is being patched together with all of the love and support of family and wonderful friends like Mrs. Prince, Eastwood, and Davey. Thank you my friends. I just hope that one day I can return the favor of the kindness and support you have given me. I am truly blessed.


Anonymous said...

Your optimism, strength and courage brought me to tears! I hope to be like you. : ) <3

Amanda ~ Angel's Mommy said...

I am so happy for you. I remember the first time I was "ok" with pragnant women and babies. It was when my nephew was born. We were due 2 weeks apart. I know that your journey to a healing will continue. It might be a slow process but you will get there. I promise. Hugs!

Holly said...

I'm glad it went better than expected! I know I wasn't sure how I was going to react the first time I held a baby after Carleigh. It was about 2 months after but surprisingly I was ok! I guess it's b/c although a baby reminds me of her, the baby I'm holding isn't her and could never be her. And while it can hurt that they have their baby and you don't, you have to be glad that they don't have to experience the pain of loss.


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