Disclaimer: Warning, this post is a little tough, a little dark. I apologize ahead of time, and you can stop reading now if you want. I know THAT won't happen, because what happens when someone tells you not to look at something? You look at it. I promised I would be honest in these posts, so here it goes:
It is amazing how our lives can be flipped upside down in a matter of moments. The night of April 19th it happened when the doctor uttered those words "I am sorry, there is no heart beat", and tonight it happened all over again. I was at work when I received a text message from my sergeant telling me that my unit will be deploying to Afghanistan in the Summer of 2011. I was in shock.
Most people would probably be shocked, and maybe be even a little bit scared, but this is what went through my mind:
They say everything happens for a reason. When my husband, David, and I were talking when I was pregnant about the possibility of me being deployed if I stayed in the military, he voiced his concerns about being a single father for a year. He told me he was not sure if he liked the idea of the mother of his child still wearing combat boots. Also, it would e incredibly hard to raise a family while we were both in the military. the Army CAN and WILL deploy both parents at the same time if they feel it is necessary. So, I started my discharge process. When you are a female in the military and you get pregnant, you have the right to get out. I was choosing that road. This would not have made me happy prior to becoming pregnant, I would do everything in my power to be a good soldier. I was "high speed" as we say. I was as good, if not better than a some of the men in my unit. I fully intended to finish my six years without having a child. I wanted to finish my commitment. As soon as I got pregnant my whole view changed. I decided it was best for me and my future family to get out. Well, when we lost Rosie, my discharge was canceled. Now today I get notice of a deployment.
So......what if the "reason" behind losing my daughter is so that my husband will never be a single dad? What if the reason I lost my daughter is because I will not come home alive from Afghanistan? Now, as I have stated in the past, I am not afraid of death anymore. I look forward to the moment I get to meet my daughter for the first time. However, I AM afraid of what that would do to my mom and my husband. My mother would have to be committed to a loony bin. She has gone through so much in the past 2 years. The death of her granddaughter, the death of her best friend, the onset of dimension in her other best friend, 3 horses dying in 6 months time, her dog being hit by a car (survived, but now crippled in one leg), the cars breaking down, and the roof needing replaced. She has not had the best luck in the past 2 years. And my husband, I can't imagine what he would do if he lost his wife so soon after losing his daughter.
I know this all sounds so morbid, god forbid, a little "crazy" but that is what is going through my head, and I vowed to be honest in this blog. However, if you were a soldier and I was your medic, would you want me going on missions with you in this mental state? I know I wouldn't! I am not emotionally or mentally ready for a deployment. I am not ready to be away from the safety of my home or my husband for a year. Last year when our unit got the deployment notification I was ready. I was actually looking forward to a deployment, to getting that patch on my right sleeve indicating I had bravely served my country. Now, I could care less. My heart is not into being a soldier any more. I hate to admit that out loud, or on "paper" if you will. There was a time when putting on the uniform meant everything to me. I miss those days, after April, my priorities in life have changed. I should have been out by now. There is a girl in my unit who is 33 weeks pregnant, and just received her discharge. If they had done what they were supposed to with my discharge, I would have been out before we lost Rosie, and I would not even be facing this conundrum.
I know, I know, it is still a year away, and ALOT can happen in a year. Our last deployment to Iraq was canceled 2 months prior to deployment, so I know things can change. And who knows, my feelings may be completely different as the deployment gets closer, so I am going to TRY not to stress TOO much YET. However, if my anxiety is this high already, what will happen as it gets closer? I don't understand why I have to be faced with this so soon after our tragedy. I thought I would have more time.
Joe gave me a beautiful pendent as a gift for being in her wedding. Actually, it is a necklace with three pendents on it. One with angel wings, one with Rosie's birthstone, and one with "Proverbs 3: 5-6" engraved on it. So I am going to follow the passage:
"Trust in the LORD with all your heart
and lean not on your own understanding;
in all your ways acknowledge him,
and he will make your paths straight. [a]
Do not be wise in your own eyes;
fear the LORD and shun evil."
Well Here's a Huge Update
2 months ago