My Family!!

My Family!!

Monday, August 30, 2010

"This Stupid Little Life"

Last evening Foster and I were watching a film I love and have seen at least seven times. American Beauty. Although there are many interpretations of this film by critics, personally I find it to be a dark humor interpreting suburban life. However, the last quote from Kevin Spacey's character, Lester, as he has died and is reflecting back on his life struck me and for the first time in seven viewings, actually meant something to me.

Lester: "I guess I could be pretty pissed off about what happened to me... but it's hard to stay mad, when there's so much beauty in the world. Sometimes I feel like I'm seeing it all at once, and it's too much, my heart fills up like a balloon that's about to burst... And then I remember to relax, and stop trying to hold on to it, and then it flows through me like rain and I can't feel anything but gratitude for every single moment of my stupid little life... You have no idea what I'm talking about, I'm sure. But don't worry... you will someday."

Every other time I hear this quote, I just wrote it off, because no, I had no idea what he was talking about. Well that all changed four months ago. When something alters your life, it alters your view on the world.

As I was driving up north to a wedding, I was driving behind a semi truck. As the wind from the truck blew the tall grass on the sides of the road, hundreds of butterflies were emerging from their hiding places and flying all around. It was spectacular. I have never seen so many butterflies in my life. Previous to April 20th, I would probably never have noticed the phenomenon that was taking place all around me. I would have been annoyed about getting stuck behind a truck going 50 MPH, and would have been looking for the next opportunity to pass him. Instead, I stayed behind him for almost two hours.

I look forward to getting off of work in the morning and seeing the sunrise. There is such a small window of time that you can see the most beautiful combination of pink and purple colors. Where the night sky and the morning sun are meeting. rays of "God's light" makes me wonder where those rays lead to, and what miracles are happening under them. Before April 20th, I would just drive down the highway as fast as I could in order to get home and get to sleep after a long 12 hour shift. Instead, I pull over and take pictures with my phone to capture the moment.

Baby Prince's smiles! Oh my! They are the most amazing thing ever! When I can make him smile, it fills me with an indescribable joy. Fortunately, Mrs. and Mr. Prince do not take their child for granted, because Baby Prince is their "rainbow baby" and they know the feeling of a loss. However, there are way too many people out there that take their children for granted. They use the TV as a babysitter, and may not notice every smile and giggle. He has been such a joy in my life, and I look forward to seeing him and spending time with him and his mom when I go to work out with Mrs. Prince. They are such a blessing in my life! Prior to April 20th, a baby's smile was nice, but it was by no means something I look forward to on a regular basis.

My dear husband. Once again, some people take for granted what they have. My heart fills with so much love and pride when I see him and hug him and kiss him, that it feels like it is going to explode. Last night he kissed me on the forehead and said, "I love you more than anything in the world, My beautiful bride." I wanted to cry with happiness. I am such a blessed woman, and I realize this.

I guess I could be pretty mad about losing my daughter. I could be, but what is the purpose? It is hard to stay mad when there is so much hope and so much beauty in this world. Instead, I count my blessings.

I hope all of you understand this one day, I hope that you all see all of the beauty that is in this world. Things that you may take for granted today, after that life altering moment, you see in a totally different lite. I truly hope none(although ALOT of you who are reading this already have) of you have to ever go through what Foster and I have. But I do pray that all of you, like Lester and I feel nothing but gratitude for every moment of this "stupid little life".


Mr. Superman & Mrs. S. said...

You are an incredibly strong woman. Finding the beauty in things at times is so difficult to do, but when you do, its beautiful.

A Marine's Wife! said...

Hi Friend! Thanks for stopping by my you happen to have the recipe for the white chicken chili? I couldn't find your email address to email you!! Thanks!

Anonymous said...

My God, this is an absolutely beautiful and inspiring post- and I cant help but selfishly think it was sent just for me. Or for any of us who've lost a baby. <3 Thank you- you have a beautiful gift for words.

Holly said...

Love this post! I haven't seen American Beauty but can relate to how things change after such a life altering event like losing a child. You do notice little things more. And BTW I have noticed how many butterflies there are this year! It's amazing!!

JenJen said...

You're doing so much better than I was 4 months in...You're such a strong woman and mommy!

You're so right, though, that there is so much beauty and so many things to be thankful for still even through our tears and broken hearts.

BTW, I've been looking for your hubby's part 2! Both of you give such a poignant picture of this grief process...


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