My Family!!

My Family!!

Thursday, August 5, 2010

Where do I Belong? Part 2

As I was laying down to sleep last night I realized I could have expanded even further on my post last night. The weird feeling of being a mom to an angel is I do not feel like I completely fit in anywhere. I am a mother, but I do not fit in with the mommy groups with their play dates or the mommy and me schools. I don't fit into the mommies having the conversations about their babies and their developments. I can't talk about the fact that my Rosie would be holding her head up and rolling over on her own now, because she isn't.

I don't fit into the pregnant lady groups either. Who wants to hear advice from a mommy who lost her baby? Who wants to hear what to expect over the next couple of weeks from a mother who lost her daughter? No one, because ultimately, my experience ended in loss, and no one wants to imagine that is how their pregnancy is going to end.

I don't fit in with the childless women who have never been pregnant, because I HAVE had a child. I have carried her for eight and a half months, I have given birth, I have held her, and then I had to bury her. These are all experiences that childless couples who have not tried to have children yet have not experienced. I don't feel completely right drinking because I am a mom, and new moms aren't supposed to be going out on the weekends drinking too much. I should be worrying about my baby. Foster and I should not be planning three trips in the next month like a childless couple can, because we should be worrying about spending quality time with our baby.

It is such a unsettling feeling not knowing where you belong. I know eventually, with God's blessings, I will fall into one of these other categories, but until then, I will learn to live in my limbo with my husband, because the one place I am sure I belong is in Foster's arms.

It will be a few days till you hear from me again because I will be up at Anne's wedding, but I am sure I will have fun stuff to write about when I get back this Sunday.

2 comments:

Lucid Anne said...

I think those of us who lost our firstborns can 100% relate to this. My husband and I feel like we regressed in our lives and our relationships- having a baby was going to make us feel respected by our families, we were prepared to enter a whole new lifestyle.. and wham, back at square 1. :(

Julie said...

i have struggled with this a lot lately, and i truly don't know where we belong. i hate that the only thing i seem to be able to call myself is the mother of a dead baby. it's so unfair. (i say that a lot lately)

 

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