With One Voice....Sowing the Seed

Wow it had been forever since I have done one of these. It's not because I don't attend church still, because I do, every Sunday with Foster, but I think it has been a while since a mass and its message has resonated with what I am currently going through. Sure, certain songs are sung that remind me of Rosie, and still bring me to tears when we are performing them, but this is the first time in a while that the readings, the songs, AND the sermon have resonated in me.

The gospel was one that we are all too familiar with. It was the parable of the farmer sowing his seeds. One particular verse stuck out to me: "The one who received the seed that fell on rocky places is the man who hears the word and at once receives it with joy. But since he has no root, he lasts only a short time. When trouble or persecution comes because of the word, he quickly falls away. " (Matthew13: 20-21)

I was so sad recently when there was a discussion on my private facebook support group that addressed our faith after our losses. I knew it happened, I knew the death of a child could cause people to lose their faith, but I was almost brought to tears that amongst the 20+ comments to the question, EVERY SINGLE ONE of them had lost their faith, saying things like "I don't want to love or believe in a God that would take a child away from it's parents." Now, I would never judge anyone for their choice of faith, or lack there of, but there were many women who would say that they had faith BEFORE their losses, but lost it after. My heart broke.

I thought maybe it was because the women who had not lost their faith were too nervous to respond to the question, because the original poster expressed her lack of faith in God in the original topic; so I decided to respond. I just mentioned what most of you already know about Foster and I. You all know that Foster became Catholic 17 days before we lost Rosalynn. You all know how strong we have become in our faith and relationship since we lost her, and you know that I pray for anyone who asks, and those that don't, every night before I go to sleep. God is good....ALWAYS!

I also put the WHOLE serenity prayer in since it is the prayer that I has gotten me through so much in my life, and its words are SOOOO powerful :

God grant me the serenity
to accept the things I cannot change;
courage to change the things I can;
and wisdom to know the difference.

Living one day at a time;
Enjoying one moment at a time;
Accepting hardships as the pathway to peace;
Taking, as He did, this sinful world
as it is, not as I would have it;
Trusting that He will make all things right
if I surrender to His Will;
That I may be reasonably happy in this life
and supremely happy with Him
Forever in the next.
Amen.     --Reinhold Niebuhr

But alas, I only received one supporting comment to mine.

While listening to the sermon following the Gospel, I started reflecting and realized that I am SOOOO glad that Foster and I were like the seeds thrown on the good soil. "But the one who received the seed that fell on good soil is the man who hears the word and understands it. He produces a crop, yielding a hundred, sixty or thirty times what was sown.” (Matthew 13: 23) I honestly believe that the two of us going through RCIA together for him to become Catholic helped us to understand our faith better, understand our marriage better, and thus, after losing a child, was one of the contributing factors for our faith AND marriage staying strong through everything. Don't get me wrong, our faith was rocked to the core....well, at least mine was....and there WERE times I got mad at God, but heck, I know he can handle it. However I never thought for a moment He did this to us. I never thought for a moment He was punishing us. 

All I can continue to do is pray for those families and women that are have turned their back on their faith. All I can do is hope that they will come to peace with the fact that God was not trying to punish them, and unfortunately bad thing happen to good people. But EVERYONE goes through trials and conflicts and loss and pain....what makes us so special that we don't deserve some too? One of the many responses from the women included,  "I have always been a good person, always treated others well and prayed on a regular basis. Why did He do this to me?" My retort: Why not? Is losing a child probably one of the worst things that can happen to a person? Sure, but there is also nothing written that says life is going to be easy. No one promises that life will be easy if you are a good person here on earth. All that is promised is a glorious life in heaven after this life! I figure this is all just temporary, I can make it through the next 40+ years and then have an eternity to look forward to with all my loved ones!

I try and look at it like this: 

I am going on 30 years old, I have gone through my husband being deployed for a year, and a loss of a child. We have been through most likely the worst thing we will EVER have to go through, isn't it nice to think that everything from here on out, no matter what it is , will seem easy in comparison? 

The priest explained that just because someone is one of the other seeds, does not mean they are out of luck, or "passed up", or have lost their faith forever. Because the great thing about the farmer is that every year, he continues to sow more seeds. Every day God is trying to bring those who have forgotten about him to come back. I just hope that my strength and faith through all of this is able to inspire, even if it is just one person, to become closer to God. And I pray that in the coming seasons those who have lost faith, something eventually brings them back.

 

With One Voice: A Strong Foundation

“Therefore whoever hears these sayings of Mine, and does them, I will liken him to a wise man who built his house on the rock: and the rain descended, the floods came, and the winds blew and beat on that house; and it did not fall, for it was founded on the rock. “But everyone who hears these sayings of Mine, and does not do them, will be like a foolish man who built his house on the sand: and the rain descended, the floods came, and the winds blew and beat on that house; and it fell. And great was its fall.”(Matthew : 24-28)

When this parable was read in church today, it made me start thinking, hard. I realized that I was blessed with a family who encouraged and helped build a strong foundation in my faith. Growing up I probably complained more than I should have about attending church, but if I didn't I wouldn't have been a typical teenager. I was unaware of how important my faith would be to me later on in life.

Luckily, after growing up, I continued to practice my faith and hold a personal relationship with God. Just like any other relationship, the foundation is the most important piece. If you have a strong foundation in a marriage, friendship, or with God, no matter what obstacles are thrown in the way, your relationship will take the beating and survive. If however, your relationship is built out of weak "material", the relationship is doomed in tough times and tragedy. Examples of this material may be greed, pride, lust, you get the point. If you are with someone purely for sex, most likely the relationship won't hold up once something strains it, makes it too "real". If you are friends with someone because they can benefit you in some way, shape, or form, there is a good chance the friendship will end as soon as they are no use to you. The same goes for a relationship with God.

If your relationship is an "as needed" relationship, where you turn to him when you want something, but do not thanks him when you get it, or give yourself the credit without realizing you didn't do it by yourself; then most likely as soon as a major tragedy strikes, you will easily turn your back on Him. I have to admit, there have been many moments int he past ten months where I have gotten angry, asked Him "Why?" and tried to understand why he would take my child away from me. However, just like when my best friend JJ and I fight, as soon as I calm down, I am able to think clearly, and realized that it was not His fault and I must have faith that He will comfort me. "Just a a mother comforts her child, so will I comfort you." (Isaiah 66:13)

What are the basic building blocks of a strong foundation? Just as the deadly sins make for a weak foundation, the virtues are best to build a strong foundation; Faith, Hope and Charity.

Faith by definition is "belief that is not based on truth". As Christians, we have a faith that there is an amazing afterlife for us to look forward to, and eternal life in paradise with our Maker. We have faith that God knows what is best for us and will never give us more than we can handle.

Hope is the belief in a positive outcome related to events and circumstances in one's life. We have hope that we will make it to heaven if we lead a good life here on earth. I have that much more of an incentive to lead a good life here. I want to meet my daughter for the first time. I want to walk through the gates of heaven and hold her and hug her and play with her. I also have hope that God will bless me. It may not be on my schedule, or in the time I want, but he will. I may have to wait until I go to Heaven to get these blessings, but I have hope I will receive them.


Charity is the practice of benevolent giving and caring. "I tell you the truth, whatever you did for the least of my brothers, you did for me.' (Matthew 25:40). Loving and giving to our fellow brothers and sisters is one of the most important ways to live a Christian life and build your relationship with God. Jesus' life was spent caring for the sick and poor. Every person we help is as if we are doing it to Christ. "Treat others the way you want to be treated."

I know the loss of a child can literally rock a foundation, it rocked mine, but I am blessed that it did not crumble my house. To my BLMs: How has your faith been tested since the loss of your child? Did your foundation hold up?

With One Voice

I know it is no longer Sunday, but I didn't have time to post yesterday. These past two Sundays have been pretty emotional. As Foster and I were sitting in church last Sunday, his Blackberry vibrated indicating he had a new message. Since the Blackberry is his work phone, he always glances at the message to make sure they are not getting called out on a misson. The title of the message was "Death Notification". I heard him suck in his breath and his face went white. He handed me the phone and I read the message. Major Mills, Army National Guard had passed due to injuries sustained during a Special Forces Airborne jump. Apparently the jump had gone bad for a few of the soldiers when an updraft caught their parachutes as they were landing, dragging them about 500 yards. It was all over the news. Up until this point, the soldiers had been injured, but none had died. Foster was devastated. He worked with MAJ Mills, and considered him a great man and an upstanding soldier.

As I grabbed his hand and rubbed his back as he was fighting back tears, the lecture started the second reading of the day: "I have fought the good fight, I have finished the race, I have kept the faith. 8Now there is in store for me the crown of righteousness, which the Lord, the righteous Judge, will award to me on that day" (2Timothy 4:7-8) I started to cry. It was heartbreaking. I had never met the man, but the passage was so perfect, and my mind started thinking of the people that were left behind to mourn his loss, and I cried.

This Saturday Foster and I attended his funeral along with hundreds of other soldiers. It was an amazing sight. The Masons performed the traditional funeral, and then family members and coworkers spoke. They held this man in high regard, and he was truly dedicated to the Army and to this nation. Form the stories that were told, he was so dedicated to the Special Forces, that when he hit Major rank and could not be promoted any higher (I guess they stop at MAJ) he resigned his commission, became a SGT, and went on to get his Warrant Officer. When he passed, he was a CW3. This is true dedication. He gave up a high paying job to stay in his field. He went from giving orders to taking them and then becoming an expert in his field. I was inspired. They did a final salute, and hundreds of soldiers lined up, in uniform and civilian clothes, and four at a time, rendered one last salute to send him off. As I mentioned before, I had never met the man, but by the end of the service, I felt honored to take part in his final salute. I could have sat idly by and not participated, for I was in civilians since my husband had worn his dress blues, but I wanted to. I must admit, it was the first time I have ever saluted in heels.

As the guests filed in the back of the auditorium after the final salute, waiters started passing shots of Irish Whiskey. According to his mother, one of his requests was to use some of the SGLI ($400,000 insurance) to throw a three day Irish wake complete with a final toast with good old Irish Whiskey. Everyone raised their glasses as his brother recited an Irish Blessing, and we all took our drink. I looked around, and faces puckered and noses crinkled as the warming liquid ran down their throats. Armatures! This is the way I would like to be sent out. Celebrate my life, and drink to your hearts content!

The rest of Saturday was spent with JJ and Mr JJ, Bug and Ky, and Foster. We got decked out and watched the football game. We played cards, laughed, had a blast!

This Sunday, Foster and I reversed roles. It was his turn to console me. At the beginning of every mass, I check the songs that will be sung throughout. There is a board on the alter that lists the page numbers of all of the songs. I started ruffling through the pages, and Foster looked at me inquisitively, "I am making sure they won't be singing any songs from Rosies funeral, and if they are, I have warning, so I won't be taken by surprise and cry," I explained. He nodded understandingly, and mass commenced.

The second communion song started to get to me a little bit (there are two each mass). It was "I know you a near" some of the words are "Yahweh, I know you are near, standing always at my side. You guard me from the foe, and you lead me in ways everlasting." It is a touching song, and always stirs some deep emotion. However, I held it together, took communion and knelt down to pray. When the song was finished, communion was not finished, and I noticed the guitar was playing cords that were familiar, but I couldn't put my finger on it. The notes were not very clear, but I leaned into Foster, "It sounds like the beginning of some old country song," I was a little confused, because there was no third communion song listed. I figured the guitarist was just going to play acoustic through the rest of communion, so I wasn't expecting it when one of the singers started singing "Amazing Grace". Immediately tears started streaming. I looked at Foster with a "SERIOUSLY?!?!" look. I purposefully check the songs BEFORE mass so I wasn't taken off guard, so it was sooooo unfair that they did not list this as a song. For those of you who are new and don't know, Amazing Grace was the opening song to Rosie's funeral. It gets me every time. Foster even started to tear up. It's weird, because this Sunday was the first Sunday that the mass did not strike a cord with me. None of the readings or the sermon pertained to anything currently going on in my life, and I wasn't looking for Rosie in this Sunday's mass. Boy did she show me! She made herself known and made sure I didn't forget she was looking over us. I was a blubbering mess by the time I walked out of there though, so that was a little embarrassing.

I hope all of your weekends were filled with love and peace, and Annette, I know this was a hard past few days for you, but know that you and Valentina were in my thoughts and prayers.