What are the odds??

I truly cannot believe it has been over TEN YEARS since my sweet Rosie went up to heaven. It blows my mind!! This life has been a roller coaster ever since. It has been filled with scary births, wonderful moments with my rainbow babies, Foster and I becoming stronger in our relations ship and closer to Christ.
For those of you who don't know about my latest endeavor...2 years ago I decided to go back to nursing school. It is something I started 20 years ago, life happened, and I never got to finish. I have been attending birth photography sessions over the past 10 years, and the thing i thought every time I was in the delivery room, is how I wanted to experience the miracle of birth every day of my life. How you TRULY feel that is the moment when heaven meets earth and God's love and hope for the human race continues. Any of you who have experienced or witnessed a birth probably has felt a similar rush of hope when the baby comes out screaming and the parents cry and everyone is just overwhelmed with emotion.  

So 2 yrs ago Foster and I were sitting in a local Indian restaurant, and I told him I had been feeling restless. Life was normal. House was remodeled, business was thriving, both kids in daycare or school, dinner on the table most nights by 6:30 pm...the "picture perfect" life/family. But I was restless. I was feeling a stirring that my "story" was not done. That God was not done with me and my journey. I wanted to go back to school.

Here is how the conversation went:

Me: "Honey, I am bored. I need something. I have felt a restlessness that I feel God has something for me to pursue."

Foster: Ever the loving, supportive husband to my sometimes CRAZY ideas, "OK.....what is it you want to do?"

Me: "I think I want to go back to nursing school."

Foster: "OK...well have you researched schools, how much? How long? What specifically do you want to do?"

You see he is always the level headed one. I get a harebrained idea and he pulls me back down to earth to have me do it right....to  research what I need to do to accomplish my goal. He is more analytical than me....I just go with the flow and where I feel I am being pulled.

Me: "Nope, I haven't looked. BUT I know what I want to do. I want to work where Rosie was born. I want to be a labor and delivery nurse. I want to help other families suffering the same type of loss as we did. I want to be a light in there darkest moments."

Foster: "Do you think you would be able to handle it? Emotionally?"

Me: "Yes I feel like I am in the perfect place in my life to help instead of it hurting me. It has been 8.5 years, and while I miss her EVERY DAY, I am at peace about it, and know I will get to hold her in my arms eventually. But until then, I want to help. Plus, let's face it, labor and delivery is great unit to be a part of! So much joy with some pain. What better place to be every day for work!!"

Foster: "Ok, do the research and lets figure it out."

So I started researching. I knew there were some great nursing schools within close proximity. I had a TON of credits from the first round of nursing school I attempted 20 yrs ago, and just prayed the credits would still transfer. I had hear horror stories of credits expiring after 5 yrs and did NOT want to retake all the maths and sciences, etc. I also had experience as an army medic, and although I knew most schools did not offer credits for time served, potentially the classes taken to become an EMT-B would help. So I started my google search. 

The school I found almost immediately seemed way too good to be true. It typically had a 1-2 yr waiting list to get into their nursing program, but they had just started a new program. One that encouraged paramedics and ARMY MEDICS to attend their nursing school, and they would give you credits towards TWO of their nursing classes, and you would have to take a 2 credit hour bridge course instead. This course is the same course the LPNs take before attending the RN courses. And they were accepting applications for their FIRST GROUP to start that fall! What are the odds? 

So I immediately submitted an application and started gathering all of my transcripts and such....then I waited.

After my application was received, a admissions person called me. He needed transcripts from 2 of my schools and my high school. Which I quickly provided for him. But then he told me it could take up to 6-8 weeks to process the transcripts, and not to expect to start school until January. I was BUMMED. The PERFECT situation....the PERFECT in for a great nursing school, and transcript processing may keep me back from starting in fall. This was July 2nd when I spoke to him. 

July 5th Foster and I were sitting in the living room enjoying an extra day off for him and I received a phone call. My transcripts had been processed, and I could go talk to an academic advisor to start the nursing school process. HOLY CRAP.....

I called the advisors office, they said they had a cancellation, so therefore an opening at 11:30 AM THAT DAY to talk and get the ball rolling (it was currently 10:30 AM). I looked at Foster, and he said, "Go for it! I will stay home with the girls." What are the odds?

Embarrassing moment from this visit:

I got in the elevator to head home after my meeting, and a girl in the elevator greeted me and then proceeded to ask if I was an instructor there.....okay, okay, I get it, I am old...lol. (36 at this point).

So now the finances. LUCKILY, the school I chose is a local community college. They are SOOO much cheaper to attend than any huge university. I did the math, since I only had to go 8-9 credit hours a semester because I ONLY had to take the nursing courses (remember all those credits...they transferred and saved me SOOOO much time and $$), and the college took payment plans, the total per month for me to attend would be between $359-379 a month. Fall for my business is BONKERS. I make about 1/2 of my yearly income in the last 4 months of the year. So I knew financially I could swing paying for classes in the fall without hurting our family financially. BUT winter would be much more difficult.  Business typically drops off dramatically in January for the first few months. OH....but don't you worry...Foster's car payment fell off in January! $400/ month was going to be opened up RIGHT AT THE RIGHT TIME......what are the odds?

Now nursing school was HARD....I mean REALLY REALLY hard. Nursing school while having 2 kids, a full time business to run, and a husband who was gone a LOT for the military.....don't even get me started. But with a LOT of prayer and determination and A LOT of support from family, friends, and fellow nursing school friends, I made it through. 

In the second to last last semester, the school allows you to apply for a preceptor-ship for your last semester clinical. A preceptor-ship is a 1:1 clinical in a specialized area. You are not guaranteed it. You have to write an essay explaining why you want it, why you would be a good representative of the school, and have good grades. There are a few ICU slots, cardiac, pediatric, and OCCASIONALLY an OB option. Of COURSE I wanted the OB option. So did a few other students in my class. So I got to writing my essay. I talked about my journey over the previous 9 yrs, Rosie, why I wanted OB, submitted the essay and application, and then prayed....HARD. If this is literally what I started school for, I wanted to be 100% sure this was right for me. I wanted to experience it more in depth than our 3 day OB clinical we received. 

After finals were graded, and last semester was planned out by the professors, we received our clinical rotation for Spring 2020 semester. I scrolled through all of the group clinicals and did not see my name....I kept scrolling. Under Preceptorship label I saw My name:

Erin Foster- L&D........

Then I scrolled to the right to see the hospital I would be working in.......my heart stopped and leapt at the same time......ROSIE'S hospital!! The same floor I delivered her on and the only place I got to hold her in my arms for 4 days. Funny thing? This is NOT the typical hospital system our school works with. They typically work with one of the other major group her in our city. I was in literal shock! What are the odds?

So fast forward to last semester. Everyone is starting their clinical rotations, and I had still not heard from my nurse preceptor from the hospital to set up my schedule. I was starting to get frustrated when she finally responded, "I am sorry, I don't know why they chose me, I am on vacation almost all of Feb and all of Mar."

How the HECK am I supposed to get 130 hours in when my preceptor is gone 2/3 months I have to fit those hours into?!?

I called my sister (a NICU nurse at this hospital) crying. So upset because if they couldn't find me a new preceptor, I would have to fall in with one of the groups and not get my chance in OB. SO I started praying.....

The next day, my sister was leaving her shift and was on the elevator. She started up a random conversation about children with a girl she had never met in the elevator. THey rode the bus to the parking lot together and this stranger was telling my sister how she was bummed because she wanted to work up the clinical ladder (a program to help with raises and certifications), and since she worked all 3 departments in OB (L&D, maternal special care, and mother infant), that she couldn't orient a new nurse......this triggered a question from my sister: "Could you precept a nursing student and get the credit for the clinical ladder?"

This stranger replied: "I don't know, I don't see why not. Why?"

My sister: "Well, my sister has a problem....." And the proceeded to tell her what happened. 

They exchanged information, and within a week, this RANDOM stranger became my new preceptor.....what are the odds?

6 GLORIOUS weeks of working next to Amber. I helped deliver babies in the operating room I had Rosie in, I helped deliver a baby in the L&D room they held me unitl my c-section. I took care of a mom in the maternal special care room I stayed in and held my daughter for 4 days. I opened the fridge that my daughter stayed cool in for 4 days.......and I was in PURE HEAVEN. I get to be near my earthly children every day. I get to hold them, love them, and help them grow. But being on that floor, in those rooms, in that environment...i felt SOOOOO close to my daughter in heaven. Like I could be with her when I was at work, and with my earthly daughters here at home.....

Then Covid hit. 

I was unable to finish my last shift and properly thank the management and my preceptor for the experience. I wanted to hand my resume to the hiring manager before I left and tell her I was very interested if a position opened. But none of that happened. 

I graduated virtually Cum Laude, and even received a leadership award from the college of nursing. It SHOULD have been the culmination of my nursing school career with my friends and family there to support me, and my sister there to pin me, but it was depressing and anticlimactic. 

I went on to apply for RN to BSN programs, which I got accepted to a phenomenal program....the same program my sister graduated from traditional BSN. I broke my leg (another story for another day) and used that time to study for the NCLEX, and apply for jobs. HOWEVER, most of the hospitals were on hiring freezes. But I kept praying. Foster asked what the cut off for me to get my "dream job" would be before I "settled" for a different job. Most people will tell you they won't hire new grads into L&D. They want you to have your BSN, and 2 yrs of med-surg experience before you can get a L&D job. 

My response was always: L&D is what I am supposed to be doing, and years working in the ED and as an Army medic, I have a lot more "experience" than a lot of new nurses. So I stuck to my guns. And I am SOOOOOO glad I did. 

In June, a positon opened in Rosie's L&D unit! I immediately applied. I sent in my thank you card and resume to the hiring manager, and before I knew it I had an interview......the MORNING before I was to take the NCLEX......talk about no sleep. LOL. 

The interview went amazing, and I PASSED my NCLEX all in the same day, and that next Monday, I was offered the job.......during a pandemic WHILE most of the hospitals were on hiring freezes...what are the odds? I have cried so many happy tears because I know the Truth...

When you follow HIS plans for you, when you turn EVERYTHING over to Him, there are no odds....it is His will and it WILL happen if HE wants it to! Rosie's death was so much more than me losing a child. I TRULY feel it was for me to find my path, to connect closer to God, and to finally be able to help others on their journey of baby loss. Some of my baby loss moms started non profits, some write or speak to the public...me? I was supposed to be a L&D nurse.....Just like my Granny Phillippa (Who Rosie is buried with and Pippa is named after.....what are the odds??)

So tomorrow I start. I start this next chapter of my life in L&D. Please pray for me. Pray I can be the best nurse for ALL of my patients.  Pray I am able to touch others' lives, pray I can be a light in the dark.....and pray for my nerves LOL... I feel like it is the first day of school as a kid LOL. 

I just wanted to write all of this down so I can see His love for me during times of doubt, and to hopefully inspire someone else to follow their dreams and listen to their hearts!

Think Before You Speak

People try so hard to comfort your fears through a pregnancy after loss. They try to tell you "everything is ok", to "have faith", and that "it won't happen again". I have to be honest here, these are the WORST things you can say to me right now. I have been trying to find the words to explain myself, when yesterday it was made clear to me how to approach this issue.

I was watching TLC yesterday, and they had a special "Pregnant and Paralyzed". The story was about a woman who had was paralyzed an pregnant with twins. Rainbow twins. She lost her son  a year or so prior to the conception of her twins. They were interviewing the grandmother and she said, "I will not tell her that everything will be okay, because honestly I can't promise her that. No one can promise her that, because we have experience the worst. The only thing I WILL promise her is that no matter what happens, no matter if the worst happens again, we will get through it. We will get through it together."

I couldn't top this quote. I couldn't have said it better myself. When talking to a baby loss parent, don't promise things you have no control of. Don't try and tell them "everything will be okay". I have witnessed not one, not two, but THREE women in my online support group find out that their babies either died @ 18 weeks, or will die because of an incurable disorder in the past 2 weeks. One of them has already experienced a full term loss and has now chosen to carry her daughter who was diagnosed with a fatal disorder called Potter's Syndrome. I am sure many people told her to relax, trust, and that everything would be okay. I am sure they are feeling like idiots right about now. The other two had experienced multiple miscarriages, and thought they were in the clear once they passed that miraculous first trimester mark. Then their worlds came crashing down when they found out their babies' hearts had just stopped beating. I am devastated, and scared.

This can happen to anyone. I don't mean to scare my currently pregnant friends who have never experienced a loss, but it could happen to you, and it can happen to me....again. The statistics are ASTOUNDING! 1 in 160 babies are stillborn (dying after 20 weeks of gestation) That is 1 in 160 pregnancies!!! You know how many pregnant women are out there? I know of at least 13 people in real life right now who are pregnant, and NUMEROUS more online that are pregnant. Approximately 20% of known pregnancies end before 20 weeks, and 80% of those are before 12 weeks. This means out of 100 births, 20 will end. 16 of these will be before 12 weeks, and 4 of these will be later than that. If you think about it, with all of the women who experience pregnancy, this means pregnancy loss is more prominent than suicide (14 out of every 100,000 population in 2010 in the US) or murder (An average of 28.7 murders per 1million people world wide). Crazy huh?  Do you feel comfortable telling a woman who already experienced a loss that "everything will be okay"?

After this, I hope none of you make the mistake of offering false hope. Instead, listen to the mom's fears without judgement. My AMAZING friend called me the other day and asked how I was doing, and although I rarely go into detail with everyone who asks this question, I did with her. I expressed my fears of being left behind again with all of these pregnant women around me. I explained my relief that I was pregnant right now and didn't have to witness all of these pregnancies without experiencing it myself, leading to feelings of jealousy and pain. She just listened. She didn't offer words of advice, for she had never been in this situation. She didn't judge me or think I was "overreacting", or that I was a "bad person" for my feelings; in fact, her response was VERY similar to that of the grandmother on "Pregnant and Paralyzed". She told me she would be here for me no matter what, and that means more to me than anything.

The only One who can make this promise to me, is God himself. He is the only one who can bring this baby here safely. I have faith that He will, but I also have faith that if He doesn't that He will provide Foster and I with the strength to get through it again.

I am slowly creeping up on 14 weeks, and although I should be relieved that the first trimester is over, I am not. I am probably more nervous than before. I feel that there is more at stake now. i have seen the baby, and it LOOKS like a baby. I swear I feel little flutters in my belly and it COULD be gas, but it could be Pumpkin.  I have a noticeably pregnant belly already, and if I lose this one, everyone will know. So if I don't act like that normal, naive, happy pregnant lady, please understand and please don't judge. And above all, please, please, please think before you speak when it comes to false hope. But I do ask that you all still continue to pray:-)

....Welcome to the life of pregnancy after loss.

God Bless

"God grant me the serenity

to accept the things I cannot change;
courage to change the things I can;
and wisdom to know the difference.

Living one day at a time;
Enjoying one moment at a time;
Accepting hardships as the pathway to peace;
Taking, as He did, this sinful world
as it is, not as I would have it;
Trusting that He will make all things right
if I surrender to His Will;
That I may be reasonably happy in this life
and supremely happy with Him
Forever in the next.
Amen.

8w4d~ Guilt!

I have been feeling very strange lately. Not depressed, not anxious, not alone, not any of the feeling I had after the loss of my Rosalynn. I just feel different. I was trying to figure out why I have been avoiding my blog, my support group, and even calling my friends, but couldn't put a definite reason behind these actions. Then, I was standing in a cafe waiting to have breakfast with my mom, dad, and Foster and talking to my mom. She hit the nail right on the head. She said she was feeling guilty about getting excited about this pregnancy because she almost felt like she was cheating on Rosie. That is it!! I feel guilty!

Rosalynn's 1st heavenly birthday is approaching fast. In fact, it is a meer 9 days away. I am grieving the loss of my daughter more and more as the day creeps closer and closer. However, I am pregnant again, and should be happy. I should be reveling in the hope of this new life, but I feel guilty. I don't want to get too excited, because I don't want my Rosie to think I forgot about her! I don't want her to think for one instance that he mommy is replacing her with this new baby. I have been getting signs left and right from her lately.

Around Christmas this past year, the funeral home sent us a beautiful engraved dove with her name on it. When we put our tree up 3 weeks later, we couldn't find it. We looked EVERYWHERE! IN every drawer, in the baskets that hold our mail, in the ENVELOPES in the baskets that hold our mail, on Foster's desk, EVERYWHERE. This past Friday I was looking for my military ID so I could head to Drill. I picked up the basket our mail is in, and glanced down; there it was. The ornament I had misplaced over 5 months ago was sitting RIGHT ON TOP! I called Foster and asked him where he had found the beautiful gift. He claimed he hadn't seen it since the last time I saw it. He admits now, HE BELIEVES IN SIGNS! He honestly thought it was a sign from Rosie.

Then, this Sunday at mass, the reading was about the raising of Lazurus from the dead. This particular reading really helped me in my early grief, because I really felt abandoned by God. However, in this passage is states "Jesus wept" with Martha and Mary, showing that he mourns with us. He is just as upset when we lose a loved one as we are, but it is a part of life. I teared up, because this was a reminder that I am not alone as April 20th quickly approaches, and i am reliving all of the sorrow in my head. THEN to top it off, "I am the bread of life", one of Rosie's funeral songs, were sung during communion. I left mass a total blubbering mess. I felt her all over the place! I have been feeling her all over the place! I don't know if it is her way of supporting me and helping me through this, or if it is her way of making sure I don't forget her. But I promise on everything that is near and dear to my heart, that I will NEVER forget my beautiful baby girl!

There is also fear. I am finding out left and right that there are more and more pregnant women around me. I have recently found out there are 2 more women at my work pregnant. That makes four of us all together. Anne, a few cousins, and numerous online buddies are pregnant as well. Of course I am THRILLED that I have so many people to experience this journey with, however I am scared. 2 of the SAME women at work, a few friends, and at least 3 cousins were pregnant when I was last. The one difference between them and me is that they all got to bring home their babies, and I was left burying mine, and watching all of theirs grow up around me. Seeing them at stages the Rosalynn should be at. I DON"T WANT THIS TO HAPPEN AGAIN!!!!! I DON"T WANT TO BE LEFT BEHIND AGAIN!!! Every girl I find out is pregnant with me is, in my mind, a potential baby I will have to watch grow up without mine in my arms. I know this sounds irrational, I know it is borderline crazy, but it is a reality for me, because it has happened once before. There is NO guarantee it won't happen again. I am not promised this child, I am not guaranteed to bring this baby home with me.....I can only hope and pray at this point.

Please be patient with me as I work through all of these mixed emotions. As April 20th approaches, my emotions are increasing, and it definitely does not help that I have pregnancy hormones raging through my body as well!

For those of you who have been waiting for an update on Pumpkin:

I am 8w4d. I have been having all day "morning sickness" but no vomiting, just a constant nausea that is eased slightly by the Zofran, but not completely. I have also been battling migraines. I explain it to my husband that I feel like I am hung over every day; except without the fun of binge drinking the night before. I feel bad for him, because although i do not complain NEARLY as often as I feel bad, he still has to deal with me moping around the house, sleeping ALOT, and lots and lots of bodily gasses due to my upset stomach. I had to move my next appointment to April 28th because I have a test in my Photography class on the 21st and they had scheduled me 1.5 hours before my class was to start. I was nervous that since the last appt. lasted 4 hours, that I would miss my midterm. So, the 28th it is! It is a regular appt with no ultra sound, HOWEVER, we SHOULD be able to hear the heart beat on doppler since we will be 11 weeks by then!! I am very excited about this!

I am showing already too! Unbelievable at this point, but I am a little over 8 weeks and look like I did when I was 18 weeks pregnant with Rosie!! They say your second always shows faster but my LORD!! I will post pics soon!

Thanks for the continues prayers and thoughts.

Rosie is My Crutch!

I had someone recently tell me not to use my loss as a crutch and that I "have to get over it sometime." This person was speaking particularly to my incident with SGT Knowitall, but I got the feeling they were also referring to any future encounters also. A crutch is defined as "A staff or support used by the physically injured or disabled as an aid in walking, usually designed to fit under the armpit and often used in pairs." or "anything that serves as a means to an end. ex: He uses drugs as a psychological crutch." (Freedictionary.com). Seeing both of these definitions, this person did not use the word crutch properly. For one, as much as I would love to, I cannot physically use my daughter to hold me up, she is buried 6 feet under, but emotionally she does hold me up and keep my strong. Her, along with Foster keep me going, because I highly doubt she wants to watch her mommy fall apart and crawl into a hole and die from her view in heaven. Second, as a means to an end, I am using her but in a positive way. I have my first meeting with the Non-Profit group founder this week, and we are going to discuss my role in this organization. Also, I am in the process of writing a letter to our Senator and OSU Medical Center to argue my case about the National Guard Regulation and OSU policy. I am using my daughter and my experience as a means to an end. That end will be when no other woman has to worry about money or work or discharge from the Army, if God forbid another woman has to experience this.

I believe what the outspoken person was trying to tell me was not to use my daughters death as justification for all of my words and actions. I hate to break it to you, but probably 75% of what I do on a daily basis revolves around Rosie. My thoughts are always one her, the way I feel, the reason I adore and love my husband even more than before, my appreciation for friends and family, the way I can truly feel for someone else who suffers a loss, even the loss of a dog. Do I blame all of this on my loss? YES! April 20th 2010 has been an extreme pivitol point in my life. As I have mentioned before, there is the Erin prior to that date, and the Erin after that date. They are two totally different people. If anyone has a problem with that, be my guest to walk away and not speak to me again, because this is who I am now. I am closer to God, stronger in my faith, I am more aware of people's feelings, more appreciative of the little things in life, and realize how much life truly is a miracle which is taken for granted too often.

Of course there are things that I am not completely happy with in this new person. I was very outgoing and would rather be out with others than cooped up at home. Now I would rather stay home with Foster than go any where. I used to not worry about stupid things, but now I worry about losing loved ones. I also feel so guilty about my reactions to close friends and loved ones finding out they are pregnant and having babies. I am ecstatic when a new announcement is made, but then this little ugly voice in the back of my head goes, "Why does she get a healthy baby and I did not?" Not that I would wish this pain or suffering on my worst enemy, but I just wish I had had that happy ending too. When a new pregnancy announcement is made, I have to admit beneath my happiness for these women is a little bit of jealousy, and I feel awful for this. I also instantly start praying for that person to have a happy, successful pregnancy, because NOW I know that the first trimester is not the only threat. I see the wonderful naive happiness these women have being pregnant and I know I will NEVER have that again in a pregnancy because of my loss of Rosie.

In response to this person's comment about getting over it, I won't, and I hope I never do. That was my daughter! Unless you have been through the loss of a loved one, particularly a child, it is not something you get over. You learn to live with the pain, and it gets easier and easier every day, however, you have a permanent hole in your heart that every once in a while likes to ache so bad that you feel like you can't breath. These pains come without notice, and unfortunately, people like SGT Knowitall feel the backlash. As I mentioned in that entry, I felt immediately bad for using my daughter's death in a way to shut someone up, but sometimes it needs to be done. It raises awareness that you do not always know the path someone has walked and the life they have lived, and judgment is not ours but something only God has the right to do.

Please do not let this entry fool you into thinking I am angry with this person. They just do not understand and I am trying to raise a little awareness. I am pretty good at verbally justifying myself, but I feel, especially lately, I am better with words when they are written down, and I know this person will read this blog and hopefully think twice before opening their mouth to a person who is hurting, me or anyone else.

Rosie's Journey Through Facebook

So....I found this application that goes back and finds all of your old posts. I thought it was interesting to see the progression and thought I would post Rosie's journey through facebook on here:

17 weeks tomorrow....going in for ANOTHER ultrasound to make sure everything is ok....keep David, baby and me in your prayers!December 17, 2009 at 10:58am

being sick and pregnant STINKS!!!!! i can't take ANYTHING!!December 17, 2009 at 3:56pm

back at work FINALLY!!! baby seems ok...still same old problem, and have to go for ANOTHER US in 2 weeks...this baby is going to be more famous than any celebrity!!! LOLDecember 18, 2009 at 7:02pm

glad to be back at work and feeling productive (semi at least)...don't know if baby foster likes this third shift though, seemed a little mad at me last night:-)December 19, 2009 at 8:24pm

i swear i have wedding pics and baby bump pics, i am just having a heck of a time uploading them to facebook...ugh!!December 28, 2009 at 8:25am

got wedding pics up(not the professional ones yet.) baby foster is hungry, so it is time for me to eat some breakfast before i puke!December 28, 2009 at 9:22am

last high risk doc's appt today!!! baby is doing great!!! bleed is almost gone....9oz, 19weeks 3 daysJanuary 4, 2010 at 7:39pm

another great day w/ the fosters:) we both studied this morning (nerds) and then baby clothes shopping (it is really hard to find things for gender neutral clothes) and then dinner...loving the quality time w/ my hubby! you are right auntie chris, it IS the simple things in life:)January 9, 2010 at 9:22pm

hubby is gone:-( he wanted me to fly out to puerto rico to visit, but what is the risk to the baby? especially since we have had complications this far....hmmm....don't think i will take the chance...any thoughts?January 25, 2010 at 8:43pm

OMG this baby is kicking like crazy tonight!!January 26, 2010 at 4:56am

23 weeks today!!! yay! baby foster is growing so fast!!January 29, 2010 at 12:08am

back hurts from working on the nursery all day...but it looks GREAT!! i have to wait for the mural to dry, and then i will take pics and post them!!January 31, 2010 at 10:08pm

okay, okay, after MANY people pressuring me, here are the new baby bump pics and nursery pics posted...no furniture in the nursery yetback hurts from working on the nursery all day...but it looks GREAT!! i have to wait for the mural to dry, and then i will take pics and post them!!January 31, 2010 at 10:08pm

okay, okay, after MANY people pressuring me, here are the new baby bump pics and nursery pics posted...no furniture in the nursery yetFebruary 1, 2010 at 7:10pm

praying for all of my fellow pregos!! Tessie, hope you feel better, Deb, hope Elizabeth makes her entrance soon!!! and Tara, hope Rory doesn't just fall out, but is here soon happy and healthy!!February 18, 2010 at 12:56pm

Im prego and tired! My belly is too big! ughhhhFebruary 18, 2010 at 11:34pm

is feeling really blessed! Amazing hubby, happy, healthy lil future baby foster, and great friends and family!! i jus love days like this!February 23, 2010 at 8:46pm

i want a nap!!! my feet are killing me!February 25, 2010 at 2:52am

off to the National Guard Dinner and Dance!! yay fun night w/ my hubby!February 27, 2010 at 5:03pm

my feet are so swollen from wearing heels last night...but oh were they cute!! lol and i had an amazing night w/ dave:)February 28, 2010 at 11:56am

baby furniture is @ the store!!! picking it up tomorrow and then the hubby can put it together:-)March 3, 2010 at 8:43pm

Heading to Nashville for Jessika's bachlorette party! time to have a little fun!!!March 5, 2010 at 8:58am

my hubby is amazing!! he put together the baby furniture and cleaned the house while i was gone in Tenn.....took a whole lot of stress off me!!!! Now i wish someone would write my terrorism paper for me!!March 8, 2010 at 5:58pm

i swear my child is going to be a gymnast.....sometimes it feels like he or she is doing acrobats in my belly...using my bladder as a springboard/ trampoline...LOLMarch 15, 2010 at 11:17pm

UGH!! i am soooooo uncomfortablw!March 16, 2010 at 11:43am

Doctor's appt and 3rd trimester US today!!! i love getting to see my baby:-) 10 more weeks!!! of course i swear it felt like he or she was trying to punch a hole in my abdomen today and come out early...lol.March 17, 2010 at 12:26pm

okay, so we all need to start with the prayers that my liitle ornery baby flips over. I understand it is no fun hangin around upside down for months, but doc says if it doesn't flip in 6 weeks, we will have to schedule a C-section...ugh! other than that, it is 3.5 lbs, and doing great!March 17, 2010 at 6:11pm

off to work...really don't want to, cause i was being so productive on painting the house....foyer is done, now i just have to do the formal living room and dining room! new carpet and new windows w/in 2 weeks, new furniture by the 31st...i am bound and determined to get this house the way i want it by the time this baby gets here! is this what they are refering to when they call it the "nesting phase"?March 20, 2010 at 5:04pm

got my baby bedding today, carpet will be going in next week(hopefully) so i can finally finish the baby's room!!! yay!!March 24, 2010 at 6:30pm

so my hubby says my feet look like the incredible hulk's! ugh! "You don't want to make me angry!" lolMarch 29, 2010 at 10:22pm

cleaning, cleaning, cleaningMarch 31, 2010 at 4:15pm

32 weeks today!!! according to the book....baby is aprox 19inches long, 4lbs, and his/her skin is no longer translucent:-) have an appt @ the docs today!April 2, 2010 at 8:49am

No US today, but the doc says she thinks the baby has flipped!!! i thought there was a VERY uncomfortable hours on tues night, and was HOPING baby had flipped, and it looks as if that is most likely the case. YAY for no c-section (at least scheduled). but she will check for sure in a few weeks.April 2, 2010 at 4:53pm

All i really want right now is for my feet to stop hurting, a glass of red wine, and a nice plate of sushi....is that so much to ask?April 14, 2010 at 5:25pm

6 weeks and countingApril 15, 2010 at 4:46pm

so my ornery child decided it did not like hanging around upside down, and has decided to go back to the breech position.....pray that it decided to flip one more time, or else we are having this baby on May 21st.April 16, 2010 at 8:21pm

I have such generous friends and family!!!! thank you all so much for coming to my baby shower, and for all the fun and thoughtful gifts!!! this baby will be VERY loved:) that is VERY apparent!! Thank you ALL!!!!April 17, 2010 at 11:03pm

For those of you who have not heard. Rosalynn Patricia Foster decided to go back up to heaven with our father. Please keep me and my family in your prayers. Thank you to everyone for your support through this.April 20, 2010 at 6:20pm

I have the most amazing friends and family! thank you all for your thoughts and prayers, you have made this very hard situation that much easier. Rosalynn made such an impact on so many lives before she even was born, can you IMAGINE what she could have done in life? She is up in heaven with her grandparents, and we will get the honor of meeting her when we get up there too. David and I are keeping eachother strong.April 23, 2010 at 9:41pm

We will have Rosalynn's funeral Friday April 30th @ 1030 am @ St. joseph's cemetary. If you would like any details, email me, or look up Shoedinger's funeral home website.April 23, 2010 at 9:41pm

rainy days like this make it that much harder to get motivated.April 26, 2010 at 11:17am

THe sun is out, my garden is looking beautiful thanks to my husband, and hopefully will have a rose bush soon to plant for my baby girl.April 27, 2010 at 7:12pm

Thank you all for your thoughts and prayers, and all of you who attended today in support of us and our family. This HAS been the hardest day of our lives. Rest in Peace baby Rose. Mommy and Daddy love you.April 30, 2010 at 2:50pm

If roses grow in heaven, please pick a bunch for me. Place them in my daughter's arms, and tell her they're from me. Tell her that I love and miss her, and when she turns to smile, place a kiss upon her cheek and hold her for a while. Remembering her is easy, I do it every day, but there's an ache within my heart that never goes away.May 14, 2010 at 11:32am

Amazing to look back at all of this. All of the good, the bad and the ugly of pregnancy. All the hope and blessings, and then such a quick turn in a 48 hour span. It was hard reading these posts!! It is the closest thing I have to a journal about my pregnancy, and I am so happy to have it!!

The Crazy Bipolar Lady

Yesterday was a joyous occasion. We received some of the greatest news about our friends, but all I could do was sob. Mr. and Mrs. Prince, gave birth to their bouncing bundle of joy.

Foster and Mr. Prince attended Officer school for the Army years ago, but had not really kept in touch. Last September they ran into each other at an Army convention in Nashville. Mrs. Prince and I had the pleasure of hanging out at the pool, having lunch, etc., while our husbands were attending their meetings. We had a lot of fun together, and seemed to hit it off. I was ecstatic about having another military wife as a friend, because only they can completely relate to the challenges that come along with that title. Mr. Prince and Foster are so similar, not only in their careers, but in their personalities and outlooks on life, so Mrs. Prince and I can definitely relate to one another.

At the conference Foster and I became engaged, and had the pleasure of celebrating this occasion with the Princes. We drank, laughed, and had a little too much fun that weekend, because a few weeks later, Foster and I found out we were pregnant, and about a week after that, I got a call from Mrs. Prince, they were pregnant too! We were so excited. Our friendship quickly blossomed into this pregnant connection. Their due date was 11 days behind ours, and so it seemed as soon as I would get a symptom, a first kick, or a milestone in my pregnancy, Mrs. Prince followed close behind. When my swelling started, she anticipated hers would too, when my baby kicked, she impatiently waited for hers to kick too. It was a fun journey, and we had many plans for our kids after we gave birth. The Princes moved four miles from our home at the beginning of March, so we had plans of walking our strollers together to work off the pregnancy weight, and as the children got older, we would throw parties for them and have play dates together.

At the beginning of her pregnancy, Mrs. Prince was terrified of a miscarriage. We talked about this at length in the beginning, and she said that if either one of us lost our child, it would be hard to watch the other person because we were so close in due dates. We made a pact that we would remain friends and help one another if , God forbid, this happened. Sunday night, April 18th, I sat on her couch, over 34 weeks pregnant, and explained to her that as nervous as she was in the first trimester is how nervous I was feeling at that point. Although she felt we were in the clear, I was not as convinced. I am usually the positive person, but I was terrified of all that could happen in the weeks leading up to, and even during delivery.

I think both of us were dumbfounded when less than 24 hours later I was lying on her bed with her fetal Doppler looking for the heart beat. The look in her eyes was one of worry, concern, and a mutual fear and hurt. Mr. and Mrs. Prince were the first people we called, after family members, when the doctor could not find a heartbeat, and they cried and mourned for Rosie with us.

Mrs. Prince lived up to our pact. I don't think either one of us ever thought we would be living out the fear we had discussed around week 8 of our pregnancies, and if it had not been for her, I could see myself wanting to distance myself from them. However, she did not let me do this. The Princes came to our home with food and flowers, attended the funeral and burial of our precious girl, and Mrs. Prince took me to lunch, got me out of the house, and let me cry, yell, and ramble. She was the first to text me "Happy Mother's Day to the strongest mother I know" which meant more to me than anything. She did not pretend nothing happened, she did not skirt around the issue, or hide the rest of her pregnancy from me out of fear of how I would react, and most importantly, she did not allow me to distance myself from them. We were even schedule to have fondue (or as my husband calls it, "fondon't") dinner tonight.

So why was I crying?!?!?! Why, when I get a personal text, not just finding out through Facebook, that my dear friend was in labor was I crying?!?!? I frantically started going through my phone wondering who I could call that would understand, and reassure me that I was NOT crazy, that these feelings ARE normal, and Mrs. Prince would NOT hate me for this. I did not want to call my friend Mrs. Roma who lost her son at 27 weeks gestation, because I knew with the recent changes in her household, she had her hands full, so I emailed her. I hesitated to call my friend's mom who lost her son around 38-39 weeks, but her own daughter was in the hospital having issues with her pregnancy. However, I broke down and left her a message. I frantically continued searching through my phone. No one. No one would understand first hand how I was feeling and be able to give me advice. All of the sudden I felt utterly alone. I called my sister. I feel bad, because I know I woke her up, but I sobbed. She let me. She said all the right things, made me feel like this was normal, and told me Mrs. Prince would understand and not hold my initial reaction against me.

When I called to tell my husband that the Princes were in labor, he asked me why I was crying. "I don't know! I don't know why! I should be happy for them, but I am sobbing!" He suggested I go shopping, and get out of the house, so I did. To give you an idea of how upset and disconnected I was, I left the house, and forgot to SHUT the front door, not lock it, SHUT it. Thank God we live in a good neighborhood.

I wandered Home Depot looking for a much needed patio set. When I sat to test one Foster had shown interest in, I spaced out. I contemplated why I was feeling like I was. I thought of Rosie. I missed her, and had she been born on Friday like planned, her new friend would only be 3 days younger. I am sure the staff at Home Depot thought I was crazy, because I sat there for thirty minutes staring off into space, slowly rocking myself in the patio chair. Just then I got another text, "It's a Boy", and as quickly as that sadness and sorrow came, is as quickly as it left. The Princes had decided to keep the sex a surprise, and when they announced it was a boy, I let out a huge sigh of relief. I was actually ecstatic. I believe I would have been devastated if it had been a girl. Maybe not, but I am glad that I never have to find out what my reaction would have been.

Later last night, as Foster and I were getting ready for bed, he said, "I don't know why you were so upset when she went into labor, I was excited."

I started to tear up, "You will never understand," I said. For at that moment I realized that today was not about mourning the loss of my daughter, but mourning the loss of all the plans and the future that Mrs. Prince and I had laid out for our children TOGETHER. We will still have our friendship, and I have come to realize I will probably love her child so much, because as I watch Baby Prince grow up, I will be reminded of what Rosie would have been going through. Hopefully, we will still have those play dates, it will just have to be a little further in the future.

Congrats Mr. and Mrs. Prince!! I love you guys!

I am the statistic!!!

I truly do not want this blog to be sad all the time, but as I mentioned before, I want to document everything that I remember before I forget.

It seemed like people came out of the woodwork. JJ, Bug, Ky and Mr. JJ all were in my triage room within minutes of Foster and I finding out we had lost our baby girl. My mom and Dad were there within 45 minutes of finding out. Nurses were coming and going in a steady stream and I don't even know what they were doing, because it all was a blur. My sister, Bug, stood over me with a helpless look on her face. She is a Neo-natal intensive care unit(NICU) nurse, so all she deals with is little sick babies. She put her hands on my belly, and said "I want them to take her out now! I feel like we could still save her! I feel so helpless." She didn't understand why babies of 27 weeks gestation can survive, but her niece who was a healthy 34.5 weeks gestation didn't make it. Everyone cried with me. Everyone felt my pain, because each and every one of them had hopes and dreams for this baby. Rosie was the first child amongst this family we had created. She was going to be, and is, the loved niece and the spoiled granddaughter.

One of the nurses needed to ask some questions and draw blood, so we asked everyone to leave. I saw Foster sitting in the chair across from my bed and asked him how he was doing. "I feel like I need to go for a run," he replied. Foster loves to run. He has participated in 3 marathons, a few half marathons, and more 5Ks than you can shake a stick at. It is his escape.

"Well," I replied, "you are dressed for it. You can take a run around the medical campus." When we left the house for the hospital, we did not expect to be there for more than an hour or two, so he was wearing basketball shorts, a t-shirt and tennis shoes.


"No, I can't leave you," he said.

'I can't leave you.' Those four little words meant so much to me at that moment. Foster is not known for his emotions. If you were to ask any of his fellow soldiers to describe his personality, they would probably say that he is level headed. It is very hard to tell when he is angry, sad, happy, excited, etc. He keeps his emotions indistinguishable and his face as uniformed as his clothes. So when these four little words were uttered from his mouth while tears welled in his eyes, I knew at that moment I was not alone in my pain. His first instinct was to run the pain away. In a way I think it represents what he emotionally wanted to do also. If he ran away, pushed his emotions down, then he would not hurt and life would be easier. I know he felt this way, because I felt this way too. But instead, he knew how much I needed him there physically and emotionally.

My doctor entered the room and wanted to discuss our options. Unfortunately, being in the medical field, I was very aware of what the next step was. I had to deliver this baby. I had to deliver a baby that I knew would not be crying when it came out, A baby that I would not be able to take home with me. The idea scared me to death. How is that for cruel and unusual punishment? First your baby dies, and now you have to go through the pain of labor just to bury your silent baby when it enters the world.

"Your baby is breached, so that poses a few problems," my doctor said. OF COURSE!!!! Nothing could be easy for me. It turns out that there is a good chance of a breached baby, who has already died, to get stuck in the pelvis because it has lost some of it's elasticity. I had to make a decision. If I wanted to be induced, it could possibly take up to 2 days to actually give birth, AND it could still end in a C-section. However, if a C-section was the route I chose, it poses other risks. A C-section is major surgery, I could potentially die from it, and potentially it could make it harder to have children naturally in the future.

I looked at Foster for guidance. I didn't know what I wanted to do. "I don't think I can motivate myself to push this child out of me," I cried, "I don't think I can wait around for two days to deliver her," I wanted him to make the decision. Actually, I wanted him to make everything all better, but I knew he couldn't. He didn't know how to respond. The thought of major surgery and the possibility of losing his child and his wife in the same night terrified him. However, he didn't want to see me go through anymore pain than I already had.

"There is a one percent chance of maternal death with a natural birth, a two percent chance with C-section, and a 25 percent chance of the baby getting stuck in your pelvis," the doctor explained. Great! More statistics! Less than .1% of women get pregnant on birth control; when I was bleeding in the second trimester I was told that a sub chronic hemorrhage only happens in one percent of pregnancies; 3 plus pitting edema only appears in ten percent of pregnant woman; and fetal deaths only happen in less than one percent of pregnancies after thirty weeks gestation. I WAS THE STATISTIC!!!! MY WHOLE PREGNANCY WAS THE STATISTIC!!! We are the people that everyone bases their chances off of. If you bet ONE dollar on me in Vegas, you would have won close to one million dollars!

........ shall we place our bets and roll the dice?

My Inspiration...my Rose

I mentioned in my first blog that my daughter Rosie (and a little encouragement from a friend from way back) inspired me to start writing again. I used to write all the time. I wrote a journal while in basic training, letters to my husband while he was deployed, and even started a novel of the way Foster and I met, fell in love, and survived a year apart. However, I stopped. Don't ask me why. I guess I felt that since everything was going perfect in my life, I had no reason to escape into my thoughts. I was newly married to my soul mate, making our new house my home, and we were expecting our first child. I wish I had kept up with that journal during the good time, because now I am kicking myself for not recording every detail of my pregnancy.

On April 20th 2010, my perfect life came crashing down. The most vivid parts of my pregnancy are now the last 24 hours of it.

Monday morning I woke up not feeling well. I talked to my Aunt on the phone that morning complaining that I felt weird but really could not put my finger on why I was feeling like that. I did my fetal kick count, and made myself some breakfast. I started some loads of baby clothes, because I had just celebrated my baby shower with friends and family the Saturday prior. I still did not feel right, so I called off of work, and decided to lay down for a nap. At 2pm I woke up with the overwhelming feeling something was wrong. I called Foster to see if he would be home early, but he said he had a lot of work to do, so it would be the usual time. To this day I wonder if I had just gone to the hospital myself, if I could have prevented what happened. Around 5 pm I noticed I had only felt one movement since 2, a slight movement of Rosie's head next to my ribs (she was breach). However, I had not felt any kicks, rolls, or her little hands in my ribs that I had gotten so used to over the past few weeks. I called my friend. She happens to be a nurse, and also pregnant. She had a fetal heart monitor at her house, and only lives 4 miles away. She told me to come over and we would find the heartbeat. Around 9 o'clock, after searching for the heartbeat with no success, Foster and I headed to the hospital.

Our drive to the hospital was pretty lighthearted. We talked about the possibility that we may become parents that night, but neither one of us brought up the conversation we did not want to talk about. We checked in, and got to the Labor and Delivery Triage room. The nurse brought in the fetal heart monitor. When she found a heartbeat, it was 125 beats per minute. I let out a sigh of relief. Until I realized my heartbeat was abnormally fast. Sure enough, when the nurse compared the monitor to my pulse, they were one in the same. Then everything started moving in slow motion. The Ultrasound tech came in, started searching, stood up and said "i need someone else to look at this.

Now, when a US tech says that you KNOW there is something wrong. They do this for a living, so they are probably better qualified than most doctors to let a patient know how the baby is. However, after closer examination by the doctor, there was no heartbeat. I heard someone scream, a low, hurting scream, almost animal like. I realized it was me. My husband was squeezing me so tight and sobbing into my shoulder. We had lost our baby. The nurses exited the room, and allowed us to process this news as a couple, a set of grieving parents. "What was it?" I demanded of my husband. I had decided at the beginning of the pregnancy that I wanted the sex to be a surprise on that wonderful day I gave birth. However, Foster had decided he wanted to know. So for the last part of the pregnancy, he had kept this big secret, and now I needed to know more than anything what the name of the child within me was.

"It's a girl." He told me after much hesitation. I started sobbing. My poor Rosie. She had been picked way before her time.