Pop Pop, Clomid, Oh What a Relief it Is! (to the theme song to Alkaseltzer)

***Disclaimer: this has info about trying to conceive, triggers may be present for those BLMs***

As I got off of work and headed up towards my OBGYN's office on Friday, I was starting to get nervous. I was worried that she would not listen to my concerns, that she wold suggest Foster and I continue trying a few more months before she would do any blood tests or medication. I had a complete pesemistic attitude as I walked through those doors.

I should have known better. Dr. P has taken so much stock in my health since my loss, that she is just as anxious for me to get pregnant as I am to get pregnant. As soon as we sat down and started talking, she realized that yes indeed, Foster and I had been REALLY trying for the past 7 months, and it made no sense how I could get pregnant on birth control and not be pregnant yet off birth control. I joked with her about getting back on it, because then I would be pregnant by next month.

She decided to take some simple blood tests, schedule me for an ultra sound to rule our endometriosis and Poly cystic Ovarian syndrome, and just make sure everything looks healthy in there. She asked me how aggressive Foster and I were wanting to get. I pretty much busted out with "Be Agressive! Be-Be Agressive!" Cheer in the middle of the exam room. She agreed, and mentioned that if I have my monthly visitor this month (due around Jan 16th), that we would start Clomid next month if all the tests came back normal.

Well, we got our answers today! I received a call this morning from the nurse in the office. It looks like my thyroid is not producing enough hormone. It can cause fatigue, weakness, depression, weight gain/ difficulty losing. I have had all these symptoms which I just chalked up to depression due to child loss, but I am glad to see that there is an explanation to why it has been so hard for me to get this weight off!! It has not been from lack of trying and diet, it has been from my darn thyroid! Apparently it is not that bad, so a low dose of Synthroid should do the trick. They also found a slightly elevated prolactin level that is the hormone that produces breast milk. No, I am not lactating, but it is enough that they think it COULD inhibit ovulation. Now, my progesterone levels this month indicated I actually DID ovulate this month, but they want to be sure this continues, so they are wanting me to come in for one more fasting blood draw this week. Also, my Ultra sound will still be scheduled.

The good thing is Foster and I will still be able to try a few more months naturally before having to resort to Clomid or any other fertility drug. A close family member had a thyroid issue after her first child, struggled for a while to conceive her second, found out about the thyroid issue and conceived her second daughter the very next month after starting her medication. Oh I hope this is our case as well!!!

I am just so relieved that they are finding out what is wrong. I can stop that fear that I will never get pregnant again, and now that the pressure of time is off the table as well, hopefully these next few months will produce a beautiful sibling for Rosie!!

Annual Trip to DC

I mentioned before that Foster and I have made a tradition. The past 3 years we have gone on a romantic trip to our nation's capital. There is something extra special about being a soldier and seeing all of the history behind our country and being in the middle of everything we are fighting for.

We were doing really well on timing on our trip there until we hit the mountains.

BLIZZARD!!!

Traffic was AWFUL!!!

We only had 120 miles left to go, but it took us 4 hours!!! We were really bummed, because we were supposed to get military tours of the Pentagon, it is a little better than the civilian tours, because they take you to a few different places, and plus, Foster's friend worked there, so we would get to see him there. Instead, we net him out for dinner when he got off work. Foster and he played rugby together in college, and he went through the program Foster is debating applying to in the Army. It was a lot of shop-talk, but it was nice to meet him and get a glimpse of Foster's past.

Later that night we made our yearly trip to the National Christmas Tree. We had our picture taken with Santa, and that night pictures were open to all age groups!

this was taken with our camera, we have the copy of the real one taken

We were so excited! We got some beautiful pictures, headed back to the hotel, had a few glasses of wine, and headed to bed. We had a full day planned for Friday, and had to start early.

Our first full day was packed. We had a tour of the Library of Congress. I would have to say it is the most beautiful building in DC. I have been to nearly all the buildings, and the art and architecture of the library beats them all hands down. Here are just a few pictures.

After the library, we were off to our state representative's office. We had a congressional tour scheduled of the Capitol building. I got to talking to the aid about submitting my letter to Congress about changing stillbirth leave and she gave me great advice, so after the lame duck session is over, and our new members take office, I will be sending my letter.

We sat in on both a House and Senate session, and I was really disappointed that the Bush tax cuts had already been voted on, because I was hoping we would catch the vote, but it had passed at midnight the night prior. Too bad, that would have been real history in the making. Foster really enjoys watching the sessions, because he feels like he is actually taking part in our government. I think we all take it for granted, and maybe instead of complaining all the time about our politicians and the decisions they make, more citizens should take advantage of the fact that this is still our nation, and we can be a part of it! Even if it is only as spectators from the balcony.

Before heading back to the hotel, we had time to take the metro to one of our favorite spots. The Basilica of the National Shrine of the Immaculate Conception. I took a TON of pictures, but here are just a few.

Our Lady of Guadalupe

Each time we go, I find new beauty in this place. I was thrilled because once again we were there right after the feast of Our Lady of Guadalupe. If you remember, I mentioned that Foster and I got married on her feast day, 12/12. She holds a special place in my heart. She is also one of the "pregnant" Marys. The bow around her waist signifies she is pregnant with Jesus. We stopped in her shrine, I lit a candle, and said a few prayers to God for Rosie, our future children, and asked for Mary's intercession. I searched for the perfect necklace of her, but I failed miserably. I had one image in mind, and was really disappointed the the Basilica did not have a nice necklace. I wanted a necklace before we get pregnant again, because I was hoping to wear one through the next pregnancy for a little extra hope and faith that Mary would help watch over us next round. I know, it sounds like one of those "goofy Catholic things", but it brings me reassurance and piece of mind, so please don't criticize.

I even tried to find one at the local holiday bizarre, and came close, but the artist said he would make a custom designed piece for me. It would cost close to $200, but if I couldn't find something else, I would be willing to pay it.

That evening we went to our favorite restaurant in DC. Honestly, I don't even know the name of it, but it specializes in Greek and Lebanese food. They are  unique in the fact that each plate is small portions. Enough for two or three bites for each of us. We ordered 6 different plates ranging from lamb to veal sweetbread. Most of the dishes were amazing. Foster and I were not too fond of the duck we ordered, but hey, we only had to have 3 bites of it. We had a few drinks, but saved the dessert for the hotel. My "cake lady", as she has so fondly been named by family and friends, made our anniversary cake. Cake Lady is a nurse practitioner in my ER, and she makes cakes as a hobby. She took on the challenge of making her first wedding cake for my big day. It was BEAUTIFUL!!! However, the top was a little too big to freeze and save for a whole year. It would have taken up the entire freezer and we would have had no place to put meet and such. So, she agreed last year to make us a 1 year anniversary cake. Instead of recreating the original flavors, Foster wanted to have German Chocolate cake, so we did. It was AMAZING!!!!

We toasted to our first year of marriage, ate, and made the big plans I had been looking forward to the whole trip, meeting my best buddy from my online support group.

We were supposed to meet them in Baltimore, but we found out Friday night that the MARC train does not run on Saturday and Sundays. We were really disappointed, because we had no back up plan. However, Mrs. Strength and her hubby said they would take the two hour trip into DC because that is how much she wanted to see me! I was so relieved, because I had been looking forward to this encounter for weeks, and was seriously crying at the thought of not being able to meet this amazing woman in person.

Since our plans for Baltimore were scratched, Foster and I decided to go see the war memorials again. Last time I went, it was dark and raining. This time it was cold, but at least I could see everything, and I could take my time because I wasn't trying to stay dry. There is something so surreal about standing amongst these memorials that were raised in honor of the soldiers who fought and died for this country.

I love how you can see the Washington Monument reflection in the Vietnam wall!

Dave goofing off and joining the men in line during the Great Depression

He is all proud of himself because he cut in front of everyone! lol

I HAD to pose with the women in the military monument!!

After a lot of walking around, we stopped by the Smithsonian of American History to check out the First Ladies' Dresses since the exhibit was closed last time we went and then it was off to see Mr. and Mrs. Strength.

I was afraid Foster would be uncomfortable because he can be weird around strangers, but he actually was really talkative. He seemed to really hit is off with Mr.Strength, and started getting a little TOO talkative after a few too many beers. Oh well, we were on vacation.

Unfortunately, after about thirty minutes of being there, Mrs. Strength started to feel nauseated and light headed. She was not feeling well at all. I was worried for her, and felt really bad, because she had made such a long trip and was not even able to enjoy her meal. We made the best of the circumstances, and it was just great to spend time with her in person for once. We talk on the phone all the time and text back and forth, but just getting to sit next to her was awesome.

My best buddy!!

Before leaving DC on Sunday, Foster and I headed back to the Basilica for Sunday mass. It was awe inspiring. Such a beautiful setting for mass! I said a little prayer while we were there to God to help us conceive, but if we were not pregnant this month, I asked that He not get my hopes up, and let my monthly visitor show up on time. No joke, as soon as I stepped out of the pew, she showed up!! How funny is that?!?! I guess it just goes to show that I am not in control of any of this. It is all in Gods hands, and Foster and I will do what we have to, but we are going to have to put faith in God that he knows the right timing for Rosie's sibling.

Here is my favorite picture I took:

Hope.....Hope I Don't End Up Disappointed

If you noticed, I make mentions in passing about Foster and my journey in TTC (Trying To Conceive). However, I don't go into much detail, and I try not to get my hopes up too much each month. However, I can't help but feel a little hope this month. The month of December is filled with special days for me/us. For my fellow Catholics out there, this Wednesday is "The Feast of the Immaculate Conception". Foster is in New Orleans, and he found The Church of the Immaculate Conception:

compliments Google Images

to attend mass on Wednesday while I attend our home parish. Now, I am not insinuating that I expect to become knocked up without Foster present, however, it IS the "day" Mary conceived Jesus.

I am still trying to figure their math out, because that would mean her entire pregnancy lasted 17 days!!! WOW!! What I would give for my next pregnancy to last only 17 days! I know, I know, the church picks days to represent the actual day, but you would think they would have chosen a day at the beginning or end of March (in case she went a little past her due date).

But I digress....

Then, on Sunday, Foster and I will be celebrating our 1 year anniversary. 12/12 just so happens to also be the "Feast of Our Lady of Guadalupe":

google images

In the painting, she has a black bow around her waist symbolizing her pregnancy. I am not going to go into full detail of the story behind her, but if you are interested, you can read the Wikipedia version here.  Foster and I were 16 weeks pregnant with Rosalynn when we exchanged our vows. I felt a close connection with her that day, and was proud of the fact that we got married on that day.

On the 16th we will be heading back to our nation's capitol, and enjoying a much needed few days away from the stressors in life. I am hoping that if I don't have one by that time, I will get the opportunity to buy the necklace of Our Lady of Guadalupe if we get the chance to visit the The Basilica of the National Shrine of the Immaculate Conception in DC:

google images

This month I even took the time for myself and got a massage in order to ease my mind and relax my body, make it ready to conceive so to speak. We had fun. We relaxed. I threw away all the pee sticks that predict ovulation, I skipped checking my temperatures, and I focused on Foster and me.

I have a good feeling this month. I just hope I don't end up eating my words around Christmas time. So if each of you could send a little extra prayer to the big Man upstairs this week (specifically Wed and Sun), it would be much appreciated.

Nuts! I was nuts once......

...They put me in a home. I died there. They buried me. The worms drove me nuts. Nuts! I was nuts once. They put me in a home. I died there. They buried me. the worms drove me nuts. Nuts! I......

have been debating within myself lately. My mind is consumed with two primary thoughts consistently throughout the day. Of course you know what the first thoughts are: Memories and the lost future with Rosalynn. The second obsession has been my need and want to conceive another child. I have tried getting involved in activities to take my mind off of this, because you constantly hear "as soon as you stop thinking about it, it will happen." Telling someone who is trying to conceive a child to "stop thinking about it" is like telling a human to stop breathing. It is all consuming and impossible to achieve.

November was month number five in our journey, and alas, was an epic fail, despite our valiant efforts. Not only did the ugly visitor show 3 days early, but it also came the day Rosalynn's stone made it to her resting place (I will be posting photos in the next post). The pressure I put on myself has turned into this cyclical pattern. I will give you an example:

The first two weeks after my monthly friend, I become active, doing my little work out videos, jogging, etc. As soon as the time I think I could have conceived approaches, I stop for fear of causing stress to my body, thus causing an early miscarriage. I avoid making dentist appointments, hair coloring appointment, etc, for the same reasoning. When that ugly "Aunt" shows her face at the end of my cycle, this whole process starts over again. It is maddening, and is putting my whole life on hold.

So, the only cure I have for this repetitive cycle is to go back on birth control for a few months and focus on getting my life under MY control again, and essentially TRULY getting my mind off of this whole trying to conceive business. Now, for those of you fellow Catholics out there, this is NOT to prevent myself from getting pregnant, it is more to help myself from slowly going insane. I figure If I can just give myself 2-3 months of focusing on other things, I MAY actually find some sense of normalcy again. I can pay more attention to other things. I can invest more time thinking about more productive endeavors. I can work out ALL month without fear of hurting a non-existent baby, I can make appointments and keep them with care providers, etc.

There may be some other benefits that arise with this decision. For one, it may be just what my body needs to get my hormones regulated and back on track. Who knows, I MAY just be one of those women who then get pregnant the first month off birth control.

However, I am VERY aware of the detriments it can cause. Hope is what keeps me going now a days. Every month the HOPE is there that "this could be the month". If that hope is taken away, whether it be by my own doing or some uncontrollable source,  will this open me up to go into a deeper depressive state? If I don't get pregnant quickly after coming off of the pill, will I wonder everyday if I missed out on two or three good months of "trying" that could have worked? And my biggest question is, I am now officially coming up on an OBGYN yearly visit in January. If I am not pregnant by that point, my doctor has agreed to run blood tests to see if all of my levels are normal: thyroid, estrogen, progesterone, etc. IF I start BC by my own choice, and then I come off of it, will I have to wait a whole six months or more before they will check these levels next time? If it looks like we need a fertility specialist, will they take that as a break in the one year rule, and refuse to see us?

This is how my mind works! I am telling you, it is maddening! It is frustrating, because no matter how busy I am, how much I get involved in, how much fun I am having with friends and family, my mind is constantly reeling with worry and questions, concerns, praying, pleading, anxiety. This is the only solution I have come up with. I fully intend to call my doctor, and God willing she decides to work the day before Thanksgiving, because I want to mention my idea and see what their thoughts are on the matter. I would rather start sooner than wait until after January. I will start the first day of my next cycle if they agree, and oh yeah, if Foster is okay with the idea too. I am sure he will support me no matter what I choose to do, because his sanity is directly impacted by my sanity.

Has anyone else taken this route? If so, what has been your experience? Advice would be very much appreciated!

Sunday's Sermon

I know it has been way too long since i have posted what I learned from the Sunday service, but it is because I have not gotten the chance to go to church! I have felt like something was missing, because I have missed mass for 3 weekends in a row. THe first was because we were on a strict deadline back from North Carolina on Sunday, and HAD to be back in town to drop off the rental by 5pm. The following weekend I had drill for the National Guard, and unfortunately we were not released in time for me to make either evening masses. Then I was in Chicago with the girls. We were going to go to the evening mass when we returned on Sunday, but then we got caught in traffic for 2.5 hours on the way home so we didn't make it in time (that is a story I have yet to finish telling you guys!). So, come Hell or high water, I was bound and determined to make it this week. Thank the Lord, because our command released us early on Saturday so FOster and I were able to attend evening mass together.

I really needed this week's message. Obviously Foster and I are still trying to conceive. This was the third month of failure. I know this does not seem very long to people who have been trying to conceive for years, but as a Baby Loss Mom, there is an urgency to fill a void. Notice how I said "fill a void", and not "replace my baby". The"empty arm syndrome", not even close to the "empty nest syndrome" or the "restless leg syndrome", is what I am trying to ease the pain of. I know no other baby will take the place of Rosie, but I yearn for the day that my arms will hold a child.

"Then the Lord answered me and said: Write down the vision clearly on tablets, so that one can read it readily. For the vision still has its time, presses on to fulfillment, and will not disappoint; If it delays, wait for it, it will surely come, it will not be late." Habakkuk 2: 2-3

My feeling of urgency is useless. I must hold faith that God has his plans for me and Foster. We have no control over the timing that God has already planned for us, and we just have to continue to pray and try. It will happen in His time. I have to admit, every month that my monthly shows, it becomes harder and harder to hold to that faith. "Lord Increase our faith" (Luke 17:5) I find myself asking for this every month. I have to have faith that He knows what he is doing, and hope that the visions of being a mother come to fruition in due time.

This message at mass was just what I needed this week. I am sooooooo glad that Foster and I were able to make it to church together this week.

P.S. I LOVE my new projects from moms of Rosie's name....scroll down and check them out on the right hand side. And I also love the fact i have music to my blog now! all of the songs have to do with angels, roses, or have a special place in my heart. I figured it was time since my theme is "dancing through the garden of life". Enjoy!!!

A Year Flys By and General Update

I apologize if I have not been around as much lately. I am used to posting three to five posts a week, and I have been slacking.

I believe some of it may be due to the fact that my schedule has become so hectic. We had trips and weddings, and now we are leaving for yet another trip. Foster will be going white water rafting with the boys in WV while I head to Chicago for a shopping trip with JJ and Bug.
Also, school started back up today. I am taking 15 credit hours, and have 2 more quarters to graduate! Thank God, I see a light! Foster is working towards his masters, and has been swamped with homework lately.

In other words, life is happening.

Yes, we are still trying to conceive, and as we are fast approaching all of the milestones from Rosie (the day I found out I was pregnant, the day that we told my family, etc) my want to be a parent becomes stronger and stronger. I know this is bad for when you want to conceive. The more you want it, it seems the less it happens. It is always those people on birth control (like myself a year ago) or those couples who have been trying for years and finally just "give up" that find themselves pregnant. I am hoping that school and work will keep me so busy that my mind is distracted from the TTC (trying to conceive) journey.

It is amazing how fast a year passes by. One year ago today I was pregnant but not yet aware of it. It was also a year ago that we found out that Mama JJ had pancreatic cancer. Now both Rosie and Mama JJ are gone, and we are all left picking up the pieces and trying to heal.

Here is hoping that this next year brings good and happy news. That this year is a year of blessings and prosperity for my family. We need a good year.

A quick update, Kam and I are in the process of planning a silent auction to help raise money for Back in His Arms Again. If any of you know anyone who would be willing to donate to the auction, please let me know. When it gets closer and we have more info, I will inform all of you when it is, so you can attend if you want! All of the proceeds will go to the ministry for helping families like Foster and I who have lost a baby and educating the hospital staffs in the area on how to handle the situation with compassion and understanding. Some of the money will go to families, and some of it will go to changing our website and pamphlets to be more ecumenical as opposed to focused on Catholicism.

I finished my first draft of the article that will be posted in the National Guard Magazine. I think I may also submit the article to Military Spouse Magazine also. My friend is in the process of editing my first draft, but personally I think it is an entertaining article.

I have revised and rewritten 4 chapters of my first book, while brainstorming my second. I am looking into publishing companies to send my first manuscript to when it is finished, or at least 80% finished, and I have been given some tips from a fellow Baby Loss Mom whose book will be on shelves by December. Keep your fingers crossed.

I talked to my First Sergeant, my Brigade Commander, and a few others in my chain of command about the regulation change in the National Guard regarding pregnancy. We are all moving forward and I have their support. It is always a plus to have a female Colonel backing you up.

The policy for my work will be under review for next years changes. I missed this years deadline, July, but they are hoping it will go into effect next July. I have written letters to our congressmen an women to back me up, and add support to my case when it goes back up to the board next year. However, I will not be sending it out to the offices until after the elections in November, because I would hate to have to send them all back out again because new members are elected and current members are out.

Weightloss

I am off to my first Weight Watchers meeting. That is right, I have given up trying to lose weight on my own, and I am seeking out the help of a "support group". Why not? Support groups are what have helped me after the loss of my daughter, and now are a HUGE support now that Foster and I are on the road of trying to conceive again. So I figured this is the best way for ME to lose weight.
Up until now, I have been doing the low carb diet and exercising. I have been really good at the low carb diet, but I have hit a plateau. I lost twelve pounds almost immediately, and then NOTHING. It has been so much harder to lose the weight after a pregnancy. I have always been able to lose weight fairly fast when I put my mind to it, but not this time.
I have been working out, but maybe not as much as I should be. I find it hard to get motivated. I get a good 2-3 workouts a week. I fully intend on getting up every day and running or doing Zumba, but usually only follow through 2-3 times out of 7. I know some of it is partly due to a small amount of depression. Don't get upset, I am not saying I am clinically depressed or need meds, but for God's sake, I did lose a child, and if that isn't enough to make even the toughest person a little depressed, they must not have a heart. I also am very aware that exercise helps you feel better, but it is the motivation that is the issue.
SOOOOO that is where you and Weight Watchers come in. After every post I am going to update on the workout regimen. My goal is to get ready for the Turkey Trot on Thanksgiving morning. It is a 5 mile run. I would like to beat my time from last time I ran it of 58 mins. This was BEFORE I joined the Army and learned how to run, and I was only a few pounds lighter than I am now. So, it should be an obtainable goal. I will also update all of you after each meeting about my weight loss for the week. I need to be held accountable. That is what I realized.
The main reason for the diet change is because I was doing research and the WORST diet you can be on when you are trying to conceive is low carb. It adds and obscene amount of protein to your diet that throws off your system. Also, you can't continue the diet when pregnant because you leave out vital nutrients found in whole grains and fruits. I always said that if I got pregnant now, I REFUSED to gain a pound during the pregnancy. For every pound I gained in my belly, I would lose off my butt and thighs. Well, with weight watchers I can do this! It is a diet that you can continue while pregnant. They adjust your points accordingly. I am ecstatic about this!!
Also, everyone is aware that if you are thinner and healthier, the easier it is to conceive, so.....here is to being thin and pregnant by 2011!!!
P.S. If any of you have done Weight Watcher and have WW recipe books or any tips about the program, please let me know!