My Family!!

My Family!!

Monday, October 31, 2011

Healing the Wound?

An interesting topic has been broached a few times in the past couple weeks.

Has the birth of Ava helped my healing process?

This is a really difficult question to answer. I have replied "yes" to those who have asked simply because I don't know how to adequately explain to them why I don't think it has.

Am I truly in love? Of course! Am I grateful that Avaleen is here and healthy and wakes me up with her cries at night? Absolutely! Has she healed the wound caused by the death of Rosalynn? No.

Yes, the empty arms and nursery are full, however, to say the birth of my second daughter has helped heal the wound of Rosie's death is like putting a band aide on an amputated leg and saying it is healed. Of course my life seems more full, but my first born is still gone, and with her, that piece of my heart will always be missing until we are reunited in heaven.

I have love in my heart enough for both of my girls, just like any mother with multiple children. I just pray that no one thinks that my rainbow "negates the ravages of the storm that preceded it". There is a family member missing still. Her presence will be missed at every holiday, every family function, and every milestone that Ava hits we will have missed the opportunity to watch Rosie hit the same milestones. No matter how many children we have, there will always be one less face missing from the family photos, one less sporting event to attend, one less graduation, and one less chance for Foster to walk his daughter down the isle.

If anything, this new rainbow journey we are on has reopened the wound WIDE. I have cried more in the past 2 weeks than I have the past 6 months over Rosalynn's passing. How screwed up is it that I had to bring Ava to the cemetery to "introduce" her to her older sister? I should have been introducing them here in our home when we brought Ava home from the NICU. However, the life of a Baby Loss Mother and her family will never be that of a "normal" family's. My daughter will be raised to "know" a sister she has never met, she will have books like "Someone came Before You" along with "Goodnight Moon", and she will attend balloon releases and Memorial Walks on October 15th.

So has Ava's birth healed any of the wound from Rosie? I guess the short answer is no.


Mrs. M said...

I can't say anything about losing a child, but I have been reading your journey, and I will say that my prayers are with you.

Julie said...

i don't have a rainbow so don't know exactly, but have imagined it this way: i will always have a kenny-shaped hole in my heart. when (if) i manage to have a rainbow, it will be like trying to fit a rainbow-shaped puzzle piece in the kenny-shaped hole. it will never be a perfect fit. it will help, but absolutely nothing or no one will ever perfectly fit in the space kenny left behind.


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