"This Stupid Little Life"

Last evening Foster and I were watching a film I love and have seen at least seven times. American Beauty. Although there are many interpretations of this film by critics, personally I find it to be a dark humor interpreting suburban life. However, the last quote from Kevin Spacey's character, Lester, as he has died and is reflecting back on his life struck me and for the first time in seven viewings, actually meant something to me.

Lester: "I guess I could be pretty pissed off about what happened to me... but it's hard to stay mad, when there's so much beauty in the world. Sometimes I feel like I'm seeing it all at once, and it's too much, my heart fills up like a balloon that's about to burst... And then I remember to relax, and stop trying to hold on to it, and then it flows through me like rain and I can't feel anything but gratitude for every single moment of my stupid little life... You have no idea what I'm talking about, I'm sure. But don't worry... you will someday."

Every other time I hear this quote, I just wrote it off, because no, I had no idea what he was talking about. Well that all changed four months ago. When something alters your life, it alters your view on the world.

As I was driving up north to a wedding, I was driving behind a semi truck. As the wind from the truck blew the tall grass on the sides of the road, hundreds of butterflies were emerging from their hiding places and flying all around. It was spectacular. I have never seen so many butterflies in my life. Previous to April 20th, I would probably never have noticed the phenomenon that was taking place all around me. I would have been annoyed about getting stuck behind a truck going 50 MPH, and would have been looking for the next opportunity to pass him. Instead, I stayed behind him for almost two hours.

I look forward to getting off of work in the morning and seeing the sunrise. There is such a small window of time that you can see the most beautiful combination of pink and purple colors. Where the night sky and the morning sun are meeting. rays of "God's light" makes me wonder where those rays lead to, and what miracles are happening under them. Before April 20th, I would just drive down the highway as fast as I could in order to get home and get to sleep after a long 12 hour shift. Instead, I pull over and take pictures with my phone to capture the moment.


Baby Prince's smiles! Oh my! They are the most amazing thing ever! When I can make him smile, it fills me with an indescribable joy. Fortunately, Mrs. and Mr. Prince do not take their child for granted, because Baby Prince is their "rainbow baby" and they know the feeling of a loss. However, there are way too many people out there that take their children for granted. They use the TV as a babysitter, and may not notice every smile and giggle. He has been such a joy in my life, and I look forward to seeing him and spending time with him and his mom when I go to work out with Mrs. Prince. They are such a blessing in my life! Prior to April 20th, a baby's smile was nice, but it was by no means something I look forward to on a regular basis.

My dear husband. Once again, some people take for granted what they have. My heart fills with so much love and pride when I see him and hug him and kiss him, that it feels like it is going to explode. Last night he kissed me on the forehead and said, "I love you more than anything in the world, My beautiful bride." I wanted to cry with happiness. I am such a blessed woman, and I realize this.

I guess I could be pretty mad about losing my daughter. I could be, but what is the purpose? It is hard to stay mad when there is so much hope and so much beauty in this world. Instead, I count my blessings.

I hope all of you understand this one day, I hope that you all see all of the beauty that is in this world. Things that you may take for granted today, after that life altering moment, you see in a totally different lite. I truly hope none(although ALOT of you who are reading this already have) of you have to ever go through what Foster and I have. But I do pray that all of you, like Lester and I feel nothing but gratitude for every moment of this "stupid little life".

No Exceptions?!?!?!!?

I cannot even begin to tell you how upset I am. Today started out great! I woke up and headed to Mrs. Prince's to work out. We are still attempting to drop the baby weight. I got a text from Foster and he wanted me to check out rental car prices for a trip we are taking to NC in a couple of weeks. Since I was having such a great time with Mrs. and Baby Prince, I asked if I could just use her computer. I decided to check my e-mail. I saw the email I have been waiting six weeks for, the email from the funeral home with the template of Rosie's headstone. It had the attached document with the sketch, but in the email she explained that the cemetery told her I could not have the quote I chose: "Lord, we wanted to sit our daughter on our laps and tell her about you, but since we can't, can You sit her on your lap and tell her about us" and I can't put "Born with angel wings April 20, 2010" either!!!!! St. Joseph's is a Catholic cemetery, and has a bunch of rules. This is what the headstone SHOULD have looked like. (The only change I was going to make was have the quote be in smaller, cursive script like her name):

I was devastated. I AM devastated. I tried to control my emotions in front of Mrs. Prince. My eyes started tearing up a little, but I did not react how I really wanted to. I came home and am now sobbing. It took me months to perfect what I wanted on Rosie's headstone. I wanted it perfect, and it was going to be. Now I need recommendations for a bible verse, because those are the only quotes we can put on it. I think I am going to take a trip down to the cemetery tomorrow after having lunch with a friend, and see what the other babies have on their stones. Ugh!
Please, if any of you know of any appropriate bible versus, I could use the suggestions, because there are a few I am thinking of, but I don't want to miss out on the perfect verse.
Thank you for listening.....

Spiritual Sunday: Bread of Life

As I have mentioned NUMEROUS times (only about every Sunday), Foster and I feel close as a family at mass on Sundays. We also are usually struck with a sadness we do not feel embarrassed about when we are there. The sermons and readings usually somehow correlate with what is going on in our lives at the moment, and almost always remind us of Rosie. However, after the sermon, the readings and the Eucharistic prayers, I thought this would end up being the very first Sunday since April 20th that would NOT remind me of my daughter. Of course I thought of her, there isn't a moment that goes by that I do not think about her, but I feel like she always makes her presence known in church, like she wants to remind us that she is looking out for us. I look forward to this every Sunday.

I was a little disappointed that my little girl didn't come to "visit" mommy and daddy today, but figured maybe she realizes we are healing, and don't need constant reminders anymore, because we just know she is there. Well, I gave up on her too soon. Before I even got the chance to open the hymnal to see what song would be played as we took communion, I heard the opening notes played on the piano and my eyes welled up with tears. They were playing the same song that we played while we took communion at her funeral "The Bread of Life." I sang with all of my heart, as tears streamed down my face I tried to keep my voice as steady as possible, because I felt as if she wanted me to sing, that she was making it a point to remind me that she IS still here with us. Foster rubbed my back and scooted just a few more inches closer. As I knelt in front of the miracle of the Eucharist, preparing to receive the Body and Blood, I thanked God for once again showing me why I love Him so much, and why I love Rosie so much. We are NEVER alone, and our prayers WILL be answered, even if it is in the form of a song as a reminder.

There will always be four songs out of the hundreds in the missal that will forever hurt my heart: Bread of life, On Eagles Wings, Be Not Afraid, and Amazing Grace. However, from now on, I will belt them out to the best of my ability while the tears fall.

I do feel bad for the man sitting in front of me, because although I was not literally sobbing, the tears were in a constant stream and fell on the bench in front of us, so I am sure he now has a big wet mark on his butt from sitting in a pool of my tears.
Here is the song....who knew it could be found on YouTube?!?! He will raise me up on the last day, and when He does, I will be greeted by my beautiful Rosie.

From the Father's Heart (Part 1)

This is the first time I have posted on a blog. You all have enjoyed my wife’s blog for about three months now. You know what she has gone through with the loss of our daughter but you do not know what I went through that pivotal day and since then. I am doing this for Erin, my wife the woman I love, so she can understand what I have gone through in the last four months. This is for the mothers who have lost a child and do not know what the father is going through and may feel left behind, or feel that your husbands are “over it”; and this is for the fathers who need to know they are not alone on this; you do not have to suffer by yourself or just with your wife. This is for the family members who are wondering “what is wrong with him.”

Erin did not suggest I write this, I decided to start writing this today when I was watching the movie Marley and Me at the part where they found out they had a miscarriage. Since Rosie’s passing I have had bad days and I have had good days and the bad days slowly went away until this week. I had three bad days where I could not get her out of my mind, but I did not talk to Erin about it because I thought I could just shrug it off. In fact she will only find out about it when she proof reads this for me to be posted on her blog.

I am not as descriptive of a writer as Erin, I am a chemist so I am used to writing about facts, why these facts are true and what these facts mean. I am a Soldier in the US Army, an American and a Christian, a father, a brother, a son and a husband. If you are a regular reader of my wife’s blog you know what I do, how Erin and I met, some other things I would rather a complete stranger not know about me, and finally, that I lost my daughter on April 20, 2010. To make it simple this is who and what I am. I am a Christian, a Soldier, a husband, a father and an American all of which I am willing to fight for.

I proposed to Erin on Sept. 11, 2009, the date did not play into my decision it was just the best night I could do it. I planned on proposing the week before at her Grandparents wedding anniversary, at a light house on Lake Erie. Unfortunately, she was working, and unable to go to the reunion. My first contingency plan was Sept. 11^th, and if I did not get the opportunity, then I was going to do it the next weekend on vacation in West Virginia. Luckily I got the opportunity and she said YES. Two weeks later we found out we were pregnant and then two and a half months later we were husband and wife. Five months later our world came crashing down in ten words; “I am sorry we can not find a heart beat.”

The day we lost Rosie, I just got back from being a way from home for the last seven days and six nights. I got home from work a little early and mowed the yard; Erin was not feeling well that morning so she slept while I was at work. Even though she did not feel well she was still thoughtful enough to make some dinner for me. At dinner she started to complain she has not felt the baby kick in quite some time and she wanted to go to Mrs. Prince’s house to use her fetal heart monitor. I said just give it a little more time, I was sure she was just over reacting. I have already been away for the last seven days and did not want to be out late that night as well. At 8:45 she said she still did not feel the baby kick and wanted to go to the Prince’s. She said I could stay home and she would be back in an half an hour, I said no I will go with you. When we got there Mr. Prince and I hung out in the kitchen and had a beer while the girls went upstairs to use the fetal heart monitor. They found Mrs. Prince’s baby’s heart beat just fine but on Erin there was nothing. I figured they did not know how to use the thing properly but we better go to the doctor to put Erin’s mind at ease.

As we were driving we were joking that we might be taking a baby home in a couple of days, trying to keep a positive attitude. As we were traveling the highway, something told me that she was gone, I shrugged it off because I really don’t believe in a sixth sense. If Rosie would have been ok then that thought would have just been me being pessimistic.

As we got to the hospital we checked in and got taken back to the triage room fairly quickly. Erin Climbed up on the table and the nurses began to place the monitors on her belly. The heart rate was reading 120 but they could not find the baby’s so they called in the doctors to run an ultrasound. At this time a large tear ran down my cheek, I got chills and I knew my baby was gone. The Doctor did the ultra sound. Still nothing and finally they called in the head doctor. Nothing, then those words that still sting today, “I am sorry we can not find a heart beat. Erin was already sobbing and then lost it. All I could do is hold her and cry with her. I felt so helpless there is nothing I could fix.

You Are Cordially Invited....

To the marriage of Anne and "Tony".

As I have mentioned in the past, Anne and I have been friends for years. She is one of the most amazing women I know, and I was truly honored to be asked to be her Matron of Honor.

I decided that since Foster was going to be out of town and I had the title of MoH, that I would drive my butt the two hours to the venue to help set up the reception hall. Anne said that there were plenty of people helping, but she is not the most confrontational person. She was afraid that with all of the strong personalities helping, that her voice would be lost in the crowd. She knew that since I wasn't part of the in laws, and did not know them from Adam, that I would stick up for Anne when she was not comfortable enough to do so herself. Luckily, EVERYONE got along, the setup went quite smoothly, and I never had to speak out. I even brought everyone into the main bar area of the VFW for a celebratory drink after we were done. For those of you who are unfamiliar with a VFW, you are required to be a member to get in. My husband holds a VFW card, and since I had my military ID card, I was able to convince the post to allow us in for a drink.

Later Friday night, we went through the usual motions of the rehearsal in the church, and then went off for a great dinner that was provided by the groom's family. I quickly learned that weekend that Tony's family owned most of the town's businesses, it reminded me almost like a small Italian "mob". They owned the golf course, a dairy shack, and a catering company. His family is Sicilian, and LOVE food, and love cooking it. His mother provided the food for the actual reception.

Saturday morning we woke up bright and early to get beautified. We found out, AFTER the fact, that the stylist had never done wedding parties. Can I tell you she did an amazing job! She curled my hair so perfectly that the blond highlights spiraled through the red. she pinned it all up into a beautiful pile of curls on the back of my head.

The stretch Hummer met us at the salon, and we were off to the main event. It was at this point I started to get nervous. I was not nervous about standing next to Anne and Tony, I was not nervous about walking down the isle in front of hundreds of people, I was nervous about the speech!! I had stayed up until two in the morning rewriting what I already had. I realized the night before that I didn't like it. I wanted it to be more personal. As the wedding, and eventually the reception, was approaching, the more I started to doubt my new speech.

We arrived at the church and started getting our dresses on. There were some beautiful moments. Anne had a pink and white quilt that the dress was covered in to keep it clean. When it was time to help Anne into the dress, we spread the quilt on the floor and had her stand on it while we assisted her. I looked at her aunt and saw she had tears streaming down her face. I went to give her a hug and she whispered, "The quilt was sewn by my mother." It was such a touching moment for her to watch her niece dress on a quilt her deceased mother made. It was so fitting.

After we finished primping, getting a few pictures with just the girls, it was time. After I made it down the isle to the alter, I started to watch Tony. I wanted to see his reaction when he saw Anne walk down the isle. She was nothing short of breathtaking, and she literally took his breath away. He looked like he was on the verge of crying and passing out. His smile spread from ear to ear as she took his hand.

A few minutes later, I was standing in the perfect place to watch Tony say his vows. When the priest said "Repeat after me," Tony turned toward the priest and started to repeat the "I Tony take you Anne," to the priest! It was hilarious. The priest had to inform him to turn towards Anne and repeat after him. Classic! After he started talking to Anne, it was if everyone else in the church disappeared. He had a look of pure love in his eyes as he spoke from the heart. I started to cry for the first time.

After the vows, Anne and Brad decided to honor Mary. As Ave Maria started I started to sob. If you do not know why, you can read the last wedding blog here . The tears were flowing at this point. I was wishing Foster was in the seats so I could hug him when the ceremony was over.

When all was over, the wedding party headed back down the isle and we all blew bubbles as Tony and Anne ran out as man and wife. When they returned, it was time to start taking more pictures. The photographer started to annoy us all a little bit. He was very structured, very slow, and did not seem to have much creativity. We took the typical pictures on the alter, and then headed out to the beautiful gardens of the Shrine of the Immaculate Conception. Instead of putting us in the colorful St Francis of Assisi garden, or in front of the many gazebos, he puts the wedding party in front of the woods. Anne was NOT happy, and was a little annoyed, so I approached him. I was familiar with the gardens, because I used to frequent them with my grandmother, so I suggested that he get some walking pictures on the paths, some pictures on the foot bridge, and told him there were some beautiful buildings on the property he could use too. Thank God, because after my little pep talk with him, the pictures came out beautifully!!!!

We all got back into the stretch Hummer, and headed to the party. Now my stomach was in my throat. I was starting to freak a little bit. My hands were sweating, my face was pale. The speech was getting closer and closer. Would I make Anne cry? would I get the laughs where I was expecting them? There were people present that regularly read my writing, and I think there were expectations that I was afraid of not living up to. I wanted to make Anne proud above everything else.

We pulled up to the reception and the wedding party was introduced. We twirled our way across the dance floor and took our seats at the head table. The moments were ticking by WAY too fast, and before I knew it, they introduced me. I stood up with my trusty paper in hand and started my speech. (If you do not want to read the whole thing, jump to the yellow highlighted part, and tell me if you read it the same way the ENTIRE audience heard it):

Good evening, For those of you who do not know me, my name is Erin, Anne’s best friend and matron of honor. I have known "Anne" for going on nineteen years….wow that really dates us! In fifth grade I walked into St Vincent straight from California thinking I was too cool for school with my poofy bangs and my side pony tails. I am sure "Anne" was NOT impressed! However, unfortunately for her she had to hang out with me after school because our moms both worked at St Vincent and "Anne" and I were left to entertain each other as they finished up their work for the day. I am sure there was some exchanging of money from my mom to hers to make Anne hang out with me, but quickly we became great friends….or she was just getting paid a lot.

In high school we were attached at the hip. People would actually get us mixed up and call me Anne or call her Erin. They thought we were sisters instead of friends. And truly, we were. Anne was around for a lot of my firsts, including my first drink…but of course I was 21. We have had a way of reading each others minds which came in handy numerous times to prevent getting in trouble with our parents and teachers. Fortunately for us, it has translated into our adult life too, because although Life’s journey has taken us in different directions from time to time, we always seemed to be around for the moments that we have needed each other the most. She is one of the only people I know that I can call and will drop everything she is doing to help me in a time of need. I am very blessed to have a friend Like Anne. She is one of the most beautiful, strong minded, determined women I know and we have come to know one another so well, that we have an understanding that goes beyond words. We don't judge, and we don't have to explain.
So, when Anne introduced me to "Tony", she didn't really have to say much to make it clear to me that He was The One. All the signs were there... the special looks ... the way her face would light up when he was around, the teasing and sarcasm. Tony fit so perfectly. Anne is an amazing mother, and Tony has come to love Nick and Matt as his own, and hopefully they can give Nick and Matt a few sister and brothers.*Wink Wink*

And I am truly honored to stand next them today as they become a family.

Now Tony, I am sure you know this already, but you have a spit fire on your hands, so I do have a few pieces of advice for you:
1. Never let her go to bed angry - you're defenseless when you sleep.
2. Don't let her know that you think your couch is comfortable - or you'll be sleeping on the patio.
3. If she says, "Do whatever you want to" - You'd better figure out what it is she wants you to do.
4. "Do it when you get a minute" - Means "It should have been done already, and without me telling you.”
5. Now that you have said "I do", she owns you from the nose down. What you think, and look at, is your own business.
6. What you think, and look at, can still get you in trouble - if she catches you thinking it, or looking at it.
7. Don't ever criticize your Pam in public - the world should know that you believe she is perfect.
8. Tell her you love her, buy her jewelry, and rub her feet. Everything else is little stuff.

Anne, we have always given each other advice, and although I have only been married for 8 months, there are a few things I have already learned already, so I do have some advice for you too:
1. When he asks if he can change channels - no matter how you answer, it sounds like "yes".
2. "Would you be mad if I decided to......." - means he already did it, and doesn't know how to hide it.
3. If you ask his opinion, and he says "I don't care", or "I don't know" - he really doesn't care, or know.
4. Let him pretend he's in charge. It may take him 5 or more years to figure out that he isn't. By then, it's too late.
5. If you catch him sneaking a peak at another woman - let him. If he just stares - smack the snot out of him.
6. The way to a man's heart may be through his stomach – however, you'll get further with back rubs, or new electronic toy.
7. Don't ever criticize Brad in public - the world should know that you believe that he tries really hard.
8. Tell him you love him, scratch his back, and let him have the remote. Everything else is little stuff.

I am ecstatic for both of you. You truly compliment one another. You met as friends and it evolved into a love that so many people rarely find today. Love after all doesn't make the world go around. Love is what makes the ride worthwhile.

So, As you sit side by side through this roller coaster of life, remember to scream from the peaks, hold hands through the dips, laugh through the loop the loops, and enjoy every twist and turn.
For the ride is much better when you share it together.

So can we please raise our glasses and toast to Anne and Tony and to love, laughter, and happily ever after.

I was THRILLED with the reaction from the crowd and Anne. They laughed, she cried, and this was pretty much the reaction from everyone about my "electronic toys" comment:
That was NOT what I meant!!! Everyone thought I was referring to Battery Operated Toys, but I meant video games and electronics. They all had dirty minds!!

Obviously I stole a few common phrases for the end, but I think it turned out ok.

As I danced with Tony, he hugged me hard and thanked me fore being a great friend to Anne. He then said something I will never forget, "I hope Foster makes you as happy as Anne makes me. I love her so much" I almost started crying.

Foster Does make me the happiest woman on earth. I love him more than life itself, and am blessed every morning I wake up next to him. I wish he had been there to enjoy the evening with me, but unfortunately, the Army had other plans.

Of course Rosie was on my mind. This wedding should have been different. We were supposed to have her by now, and I would have been dancing with her on the dance floor. I only cried once, and it was when one of the other brides maids was dancing with her 5 month old daughter to put her to sleep. This hit me hard, and I had to step out for a minute. I realized that there will be moments like this for the rest of my life. Moments that I know Rosie should have been there with us.

Thank you Anne and Tony for allowing me to be a huge part of your special day! I love you both!

The Day of Hope

Although I think and honor her every day, today is the day of hope, and I honor my Rosalynn Patricia. I miss you every moment of every day sweet girl, and every day I have hope for the future.

If anyone else (Mom, sisters, etc) would like to post, go to august19thdayofhope.blogspot.com and grab a button and honor your child, grandchild, niece, nephew,etc!

Dreams

For the past four months I have been having dreams that are so vivid i think I am awake, or maybe I AM awake. They are so fuzzy only minutes after I "wake up". I wish I can remember them so I can explain them and ask for advice. I think I will put a notebook next to my bed and see if I can make any sense of them. They used to be scary, but now that I expect them on a nightly basis, I am trying to focus on them and find out what is going on. I have woken Foster out of a dead sleep from shrieking and gasping out of my sleep.

Also, one of the only things I have been praying to dream about I have not. Is it strange that in four months I have not had a single dream about my daughter. Some of you may find me a little crazy, but I completely believe that your dreams is where your dead loved ones can communicate with you if you pay attention. My Ganny has come to me in dream NUMEROUS times since her passing, and even a few times since Rosie's passing. I have had the nightmares of the scene in the hospital of the US that verified my daughter was gone. I have also had nightmares of random birth scenes and dead babies, but all I want is a dream of my beautiful baby girl. Maybe I just want it too bad, and she will come to me when I need her most.

Another Beautiful Sunday!!

<sup>It has turned into a little bit of a pattern now. I go to church on Sunday and feel inspired. I have found the past few Sundays' homilies are what I have written about, so maybe I will try and continue this as "Spiritual Sunday" or "Sunday's Sermons". Maybe the name needs some work, so send me a comment with suggestions please!

For those of you who are unfamiliar with the Catholic faith, I will give a little back ground for this post. Unfortunately, there is a common misconception that the Catholics "Worship" Mary. I want to make it clear that the only "people" we worship are God and Jesus. We use our saints, including Mary, as roll models, people to look up to and strive to be like. We also ask them to pray for us; we pray THROUGH the saints not TO the saints. The best way to explain it is when I ask you to pray for me; that is what we do to the saints, we ask for their intercession.

Mary is the church's mother figure and today we celebrated the feast of the Assumption. The Assumption is when Mary was brought up into heaven body and soul. Today was a "Two for One Special". Feast days such as today is considered a holy day of obligation. If a holy day falls on a weekday, we are expected to attend mass that day as well as Sunday. Since the Assumption fell on a Sunday this year, we only had to attend today. It was like hitting the Catholic Lottery!! During today's sermon the priest brought up some points that hit close to home.

Can you imagine, Mary probably had her life planned out. She had met this amazing man, Joseph, that she wanted to marry. She may have wanted to just live a quiet life on a sheep farm with her husband and a few kids. All of the sudden she is approached by an angel and he tells her that her plans for the future are going to completely change. She is going to be pregnant, and not by the man she has fallen in love with. She will carry God's child. It would be hard enough to explain carrying another man's child, but try and convince someone that you are still a virgin and carrying GOD's child. She had to have been terrified. That was just the immediate future. What she did not realize is that her life would be full of hardships. She would have to witness the torture and death of her own child. There would be moments of fear, sorrow, and doubt. Then she would spend the rest of her time on earth continuing his work before being rewarded with eternity in heaven. Her response to the angel was ""I am the Lord's Servant, may it be done to me as you have said." (Luke1:38)

That is so inspirational. If only we could all embrace the unexpected in our lives as Mary did, the good, the bad and the ugly. Look deep inside yourself. Would you have responded to the angel the same way? I probably would have told him to stop pulling my leg and then I would be looking for the "Candid Camera" guy's hiding spot. I cannot honestly say I would have responded with as much faith and certainty as she did.

My life has had it's ups and down. I have wondered why I have had to go through some of the things I have, abusive relationships, money problems, and now the loss of my daughter. I may not have an angel telling me what my future holds, but I will trust that maybe there is a greater reason for all of this. Lord, I am your servant also, and let it be done onto me as you want.

I had the honor of spending some time with one of Foster's soldier's family today. While the men worked on Foster's brakes, I hung out with his wife. After talking with her for a while and watching them, I realized that they have such a wonderful marriage and a beautiful family. When you see the two of them together, you would assume they have only been married a short time. They are openly affectionate and look at each other with pure love. Surprisingly, they have been married for thirteen years! They have three handsome, smart, and very honest boys and a beautiful teenage daughter. One of the boys told Foster that he ran too slow today. I almost fell out of my chair I was laughing so hard, and then he told me I laughed like the Joker and like his grandmother. You must admit, "kids say the darnedest things".

I thoroughly enjoyed myself. I just ask one thing from God. No matter what he throws at me, I can handle it as long as Foster is by my side. I pray that we are as happy as this couple are thirteen years from now. I know they have had their ups and downs, and as one of their sons said, "Mom, you and dad just fought today." It just seems to make them stronger and closer. This is what I pray for. Just as Joseph was Mary's rock and stood by her through it all as her loving spouse, I know I can take on anything head on as long as Foster is standing next to me.</sup>

A Wonderful Time With Foster

Last night was amazing. Foster got home a little early from work, and since he was not feeling well, he laid down to relax a little bit. When he started feeling a little better, we decided to head out for the evening. Tonight we are volunteering at the St Pius church festival, so we figured we would check it out last night before working it. However, Foster decided he wanted to take me to dinner first. We went to the Hickory House and it was great! I don't know if it was military appreciation night, but we saw 4 different soldiers we knew in the resturaunt. One of them was a female supply sergeant that I had not seen in about 7 months. Last time I saw her, she was 4 months pregnant and I was 3 months pregnant. When I saw her walk by, she had her baby carrier and her 3 month old daughter in her arms. I did not bother saying hi, she did not see me, and I did not want to have to go into the details of why I didn't have my child with me now. It stung a little bit, I am not going to lie.

After dinner Foster and I headed to the festival. We went for the beer tent, don't worry, I had saved up enough carbs in my diet to allow for 2 glasses of Miller Lite. We sat at one of the umbrella tables, and listened to some live music and talked. We really just enjoyed each others' company. I love moments like that sooooo much. We decided to check out the items at the silent auction and bid on a few things that interested us. Did you know we could bid on naming the new gym??!?!? Foster and I figured if we won, we would name the gym "Slim"...get it? "Slim Gym"....hahaha....I know, corny, but we crack each other up sometimes.

We wandered into the Monte Carlo room and Foster was encouraging me to sit down at one of the Texas Hold'em tables now that he saw how well I can play after beating my family members a few weeks ago. However, if I sat down, I would be there for hours and I was having too much fun hanging out with my wonderful husband, so I did not want to play.

After acquiring another glass of beer and taking our seats near the live music again, we saw this beautiful baby girl. Foster and I got caught by the parents staring a few times. When Foster got up to get another beer, I wandered over to the table to introduce myself so I did not seem so creepy. I asked when their baby was born, "April 25th". I was right. When foster and I had been talking, I said that the baby was around 4 months old and is probably exactly where Rosie would be. Then I asked her name, "Reagan". I chuckled at this and said that is what our first daughter's name would have been had we not named our dog Reagan.

I apologized for our staring and told her that we had lost our daughter on April 20th and we were just admiring her daughter. She let me play with Reagan for a little bit, and it was good. I was okay. I decided I think it is the newborns that I will always have a problem with, because Rosie will always be newborn in my eyes. This is the only way I will ever know her. This gives me hope, because one of my good friends just had a little girl about 2 weeks ago. She is beautiful! Strawberry hair, sweet little face. However, I cannot bring myself to set up a time to go visit due to the fact she is a little strawberry haired newborn, just like Rosie was. however, it looks like when her baby gets a little older, I will have no issues.

Once Foster and I got home, we sat on our patio and talked for a few more hours. We talked about how blessed we are, how much we love each other, about how beautiful our home has become (I know, I still have to post pictures of all the changes),and about the future. Although it feels like our world came to an end 4 months ago, we are starting to feel like it has started back up again. We are preparing for our trip to Austin for the National Guard Conference and are ecstatic! If any of my followers are from that area, let me know, maybe we can get together for coffee or lunch. I would love to meet some of you in real life.

Update on Fostering

Well, I worked up the guts to call the Franklin County Family Services again. We had requested information a few weeks ago, and never received it, so I assumed they would not send it to us until 6 months after our loss. Well, when I called, I got the same lady I talked to last time, the one who put the sour taste in my mouth. I asked her if they ever sent any information to us, because we had no received anything. She apologized and explained that she had sent out a packet but it was returned to them through the mail. She said that the envelope read "invalid address". I don't know why, because they had the correct address. Oh well. She resent it out the next day, and we got the packet a few days ago. Foster and I are ecstatic. The classes start in September, and we can take the classes and home studies that would give us the option of adopting if we are blessed with children that may need a permanent family. Foster is excited because he will get the opportunity to teach someone something.

We talked it over, and although the most in need group of children are eight and over, I think we will start with the under five age group, because we are new to the parenting thing. We will start with one child or maybe a set of siblings, but until we feel comfortable with older children, we will stick to the younger ones. I personally feel like it would be hard for a pre-teen or teenage kid to take Foster and I seriously as an authority figure because we are a younger couple.

I just pray that this works out and we enjoy this process. I know God has plans for Foster and I, and I hope this is one of them. We have the hearts, the room, and the means to help a child in need.

Guest Blogger

Well, well, well. I have just been honored as a guest blogger on one of my fellow Army Wife's blogs. Follow her @ "ACU, Stiletto Shoes, And Pretty Pink Tutus" HERE.

It is an entry about the situations that have arisen being dual status and an officer and enlisted couple in the military. I am so excited about all the new wonderful followers I have been blessed with since the post.

Thank you Mrs. G.I. Joe!

Visit my entry Here: "An Officer and His Specialist".

Pure Heaven!!!

I wasn't going to post today. I was not really inspired, very annoyed which is a story for another time, and did not have the wedding blog finished and ready to post yet. I asked Foster if I could have his blog entry to put up because I was too lazy to post, but he wants to perfect it, and until then, it will not be handed over to me. So I was ready to head to bed when I decided to check my facebook one more time. One of my friends posted a military reunion video that brought me to tears. Not because they were sad, but because they were such amazingly happy, touching moments that unless you have been a part of that moment, you cannot truly comprehend the feelings that overflow. I am blessed enough to have gotten to experience this beautiful moment first hand on December 10, 2008 when Foster returned home from his deployment.

Foster and I had officially been together for fifteen months, however, we had only spent four months together on the same side of the earth. He was sent to the sandbox three short months after we met. I was lucky to have spent four amazing days with him between his training in Texas and his year in Iraq. Plus, there was a ten day period he came to Texas while I was training as an Army medic that I was able to see him for 48 glorious hours of that. Other than that, we were apart for a year. So you can imagine the excitement that started to build as his homecoming ceremony was approaching.

Foster's parents, my parents and myself were patiently awaiting the bus full of soldiers at a local school. The Army band was there ready to strike up, and there were families getting antsy. After three hours of waiting, two hours past their expected time of arrival, I saw Foster's friend who is was stationed with the rear detachment. "Captain B, what is going on that is taking so long?"

He pulled me aside from the rest of the families to explain to me in a hushed voice that our guys and girls were cooling their heals at the airport. Someone had not done their job properly, because the buses never showed to pick them up. That was no big surprise, the Army never ceases to amaze me sometimes. I suggested we used the band's buses and as many mini vans as possible, and we could go pick them up ourselves. The airport was only a half an hour away and it was ridiculous that it was taking 2 hours to get them. By this time they could have walked to the school. CPT B got everything under control (I guess he had already thought of the band buses, great minds think alike!), and about thirty minutes later we got the news that the buses were pulling up.

I bypassed the front door, because that is where everyone was filing out, and I found a side door. I ran to the front in my heeled boots. It was cold! I anxiously watched the buses and vans pull up with hundreds of guys in uniform. They all looked alike, but I was sure I would be able to pick Foster out in the group. I looked and looked, and started to get worried that he had not made the first trip of buses and was still hanging out at the airport. I guess my father saw him before I did, but did not say anything, because as I stood looking for him, I felt these strong arms wrap around my shoulders from behind. I felt warm lips on the side of my face, and an "I love you" in my right ear. I whipped around and embraced Foster with all of my being. I kissed him and hugged him and did not care that my parents and his parents were standing there watching. Actually, I wish someone had gotten that moment on video.

I have never felt such an overflowing of emotion. Relief that he was home safe, Love for this man I have not seen in person for almost a year, excitement for that moment and the future to come. If there was one feeling I could bottle up and sell, it would be that feeling. There is no one word that can explain it. The closest I can get is "heaven".

The following video is not the one I posted on my facebook, because I could not find the embedding code, but it is close! This video made these feelings come flooding back, and I figured I would share it with all of my fellow military wives who's husbands are deployed. We are blessed. When our husbands return home, we get to experience this unique emotion that so few people will. Let this future reunion keep you strong and positive these next months while your men are gone, because you will soon get to be doing this too, and I hope someone catches it on video.

God Bless Our Troops!

No More Fear

With being a baby loss mommy, there are a lot of new fears that come with it. You are so much more aware of the how precious each moment and each day is, and you start to worry about losing other loved ones. However, I think the most universal fear amongst the Baby loss community is the outcome of the next pregnancy. For those of you who are unfamiliar with the baby loss lingo, the baby following a loss is considered the "rainbow baby". A rainbow baby is the understanding that the beauty of the rainbow does not make you forget about the storm that preceded it. It does not mean the storm never happened, or that you are not still dealing with the aftermath.It means that something beautiful and full of life has appeared in the midst of the darkness, and it provides a balance of energy and hope. However, there are always mixed emotions of excitement and fear when you become pregnant with your rainbow baby, at least I can imagine, because I have not had the opportunity to witness it first hand yet.

I had the the opportunity to sit and talk to my aunt this weekend while I stayed with her for the wedding, and in our conversation the fear of a subsequent pregnancy was raised. I told her that I was slightly relieved when we were not pregnant again this month because I was not entirely sure if I was ready for the anxiety that would accompany it.

After the wedding yesterday, I made my way an hour drive to meet up with Foster. He was taking part in some training for the Army, and instead of heading home and spending the next few nights alone, I went to spend the rest of the weekend with him. One of the things that Foster and I look forward to every week is going to church together. We both agree that we feel so close to each other and close to Rosie when we are singing and praying in the Lord's house. I have mentioned before that it usually happens that the sermons seem to correlate to what is going on in my life at that moment. Well, today was not an exception.

The message today was about fear. Why do we fear, how do we stop ourselves from just trusting and not fearing? It is human for us to fear rejection, fear failure, fear the past repeating itself. So how do we overcome this and just trust that the Lord knows what he is doing and that in reality, we cannot control everything. Sure, we can control the temperature in our house, and control our weight, etc, but no matter how hard we try, there are times we have to just give our fear, hopes and dreams over to God. I don' t know how we can stop this fear. However, what I heard today in church will definitely stick with me through the next pregnancy, and whenever I feel fear creeping into my heart.

Father Tom at St. Dominick's said (not word for word) That when Moses was afraid of the burning bush, and asked who he should tell the Israelites who God was, God responded "I am Who Am".

He does not want us to live in fear of the past and dwell on the things that we have done, because he is not "I am Who was."
He does not want us to fear for the future. We should not dwell on the what if's and fear what could happen, because he is not "I am Who will be."
However, we should live in the moment, strive to be the best person we can be, and trust in the Lord, because in the end, the kingdom of the God is ours.

I really started to reflect and think about how powerful this is. I cannot control how another pregnancy will pan out. We can do everything in our power here on earth to prevent the same thing from happening, but there have been instances of women losing their baby while they were in the hospital. So, I had this incredible revelation. I AM ready. I am officially ready for when God decides to bless us with another life. Instead of fearing every moment, and having anxiety, I am going to enjoy every moment I have with my next child. If those moments are only meant for the womb, then I will be grateful for those, but I will trust in the Lord and hope for a healthy child.

"Trust in the Lord with all your heart, and do not lean on your own understanding. In all your ways acknowledge him, and he will make straight your paths. Be not wise in your own eyes; fear the Lord, and turn away from evil."
Proverbs 3: 5-7

I will have a treat in a couple of days for all of you. Foster has been hit pretty hard this past week. I do not know if he tried to suppress his feelings for too long, but he has had some inspiration and wants to submit an entry to my blog world. He wants me to edit his grammar and change the names, but soon you will see how he has been dealing with the loss of our daughter. It is really heartfelt, and I was really touched that he wrote his thoughts on feelings down. For those of you who do not know Foster, and for those of you who do, this will be a special treat, because he is not open with his feelings. He has his reasons, which he will explain to you in his blog.

Where do I Belong? Part 2

As I was laying down to sleep last night I realized I could have expanded even further on my post last night. The weird feeling of being a mom to an angel is I do not feel like I completely fit in anywhere. I am a mother, but I do not fit in with the mommy groups with their play dates or the mommy and me schools. I don't fit into the mommies having the conversations about their babies and their developments. I can't talk about the fact that my Rosie would be holding her head up and rolling over on her own now, because she isn't.

I don't fit into the pregnant lady groups either. Who wants to hear advice from a mommy who lost her baby? Who wants to hear what to expect over the next couple of weeks from a mother who lost her daughter? No one, because ultimately, my experience ended in loss, and no one wants to imagine that is how their pregnancy is going to end.

I don't fit in with the childless women who have never been pregnant, because I HAVE had a child. I have carried her for eight and a half months, I have given birth, I have held her, and then I had to bury her. These are all experiences that childless couples who have not tried to have children yet have not experienced. I don't feel completely right drinking because I am a mom, and new moms aren't supposed to be going out on the weekends drinking too much. I should be worrying about my baby. Foster and I should not be planning three trips in the next month like a childless couple can, because we should be worrying about spending quality time with our baby.

It is such a unsettling feeling not knowing where you belong. I know eventually, with God's blessings, I will fall into one of these other categories, but until then, I will learn to live in my limbo with my husband, because the one place I am sure I belong is in Foster's arms.

It will be a few days till you hear from me again because I will be up at Anne's wedding, but I am sure I will have fun stuff to write about when I get back this Sunday.

Where do I Belong?

If you randomly stumbled onto my blog, you wouldn't know what it focused on. If you are a baby loss mommy, there are no pictures of Rosalynn to clue you in that she is the reason I started this blog, and unless you scrolled down and saw my link to Faces of Loss or the beautiful name projects from other BLMs, you would not know I had lost my daughter without reading my posts. If you are a military wife, you would have no indication that I am a part of this strong group of women because my page is not full of Army photos of Foster or me, or layouts with boots, camo, and dog tags on it. It feels like I am in high school all over again. I was a swimmer and also had friends outside of this group, and other than about 3 girls, I never felt like I completely fit into any particular click. Once again, I feel connected to both groups, but do not feel like I completely fit into either one. I didn't want to make my blog dedicated to only Rosie, because although she was the one who inspired this blog, she is not all that defines me. Right now it seems she consumes ninety percent of my thoughts, and influences ninety percent of my moods and actions, but this is not how it has always been and this is not how it will always be. I also wanted to leave the option open to continue to post on this blog if God blesses us with another pregnancy. This is still up for debate in my mind for a number of reasons, and if the time comes, I will be asking for opinions on what to do.

I do not post a lot about being a military wife at this time, because although we have gone through time apart with TDYs and deployments, Foster and I are blessed enough to not be faced with any real challenges with the military right now. However, I am going to talk about something tonight that may make this change in a couple years, and then this blog may take a HUGE turn. BEFORE I go into details a note to our friends in real life and family members (Moms and Dads, all sisters) PLEASE do not talk about this with us in real life unless we bring it up, because there are A LOT of factors that still need to go into play and things he and I need to talk about, so DO NOT PANIC!! Foster has a few years left with his current unit, but he has been introduced to a very specialized program that the Army offers that he would be great for. It is a Masters program that he can obtain a few different ways, and would give him a degree in either Nuclear Physics or Weapons of Mass Destruction. He would have a great opportunity to move up very quickly in ranks and possibly hold very important positions. It would also help his civilian career if he ever decided to get out of the Army. I am supper supportive of whatever path he decides to go with his career because he makes decisions on how he can improve himself and take better care of his family. As I mentioned before, Foster is currently active duty with the National Guard. The biggest PCS (Permanent Change of Station for those of you non-military) we have to worry about is getting stationed across the state, HOWEVER, IF he goes with this degree, he would go active duty in the regular Army.

This sends me into a few mixed emotions. Who wouldn't want to travel while they are still young and, currently, without any children? If he is active duty regular Army, this means we would be moved to a different state, and although the farthest we would probably go would be Maryland or DC, it is scary for me to think I may be that far away from my family and friends. I am nervous about the change and what the future could bring. Thankfully it is quite a while away, and we have plenty of time to figure things out, and he may even find a different endeavor to pursue, but these are the ideas and plans for the moment.

An update about Back in His Arms Again for my Baby loss moms. I am happy to say I had an amazing meeting with Kam, the founder. She wants me at the next board meeting which is supposed to be tomorrow, but I have not heard the definitive plan yet. I recently talked to a friend of mine who is about to take her boards to officially become a PsyD. (Doctorate in Psychology). She is amazing, and wants to donate her time and counseling services in her area. I am so proud to have friends like this. If any of my BLMs want to donate their time or services, feel free to contact me, and after the meeting, I will let you know how you too can help. (I know there are a few of you that do baskets and memory boxes that I would LOVE to have your help in providing the families that contact me with one of these beautiful, helpful gifts, and I may be contacting you in the future.) My last question is do ANY of you work for a cell phone company. I need some advice. I know companies are required to donate so much in charity. A HUGE portion of this business is on the phone, talking to the families, calling the funeral homes, calling the cemeteries, calling the hospitals, calling the counselors, etc. Kam, her hubby and I will be the main 3 that will be talking A LOT. Kam says she goes through a new phone every 3-5 months because she burns through the batteries and overheats the phones so quickly. As a way to alleviate some of the cost, I was inquiring if any cell phone company would donate a 3 line family care plan. We ARE a non profit, so we only have money coming in through fundraisers and our own pockets, so saving money on a cell phone plan would alleviate a HUGE cost. If any of you know HOW or WHERE or WHO I need to talk to, PLEASE let me know. I used to get free donations from stores and restaurants for Christmas parties, I am SURE I can get one plan donated for a non-profit organization. I have a few phone calls to make tomorrow.

On a final note, I am sooooooo excited for this weekend. Anne's wedding!!! I am very nervous about once again standing up and making a speech in front of a bunch of strangers. Say a little prayer for me that A) I can do Anne justice, and B) that I do not make a fool of myself.

Sorry, this blog is ALL over the place....proving my point from earlier.

OH....and check out, I posted a new My Bug's Life entry!! click here or on the side bar of my blog.

"Livin La Vida Loca"

I told you my weekend started out great, well it continued. First of all, I wanted to put a link to my blogger friend Holly on here. You can read all about her and her beautiful daughter Carleigh here and all about her journey with her rainbow baby and about her family here. She is definitely a strong, beautiful woman, and I am blessed to have gotten the chance to meet her.

Saturday was another day spent with another strong, beautiful woman. Actually, it was spent with a few beautiful women. JJ and I started out the day early with some much needed shopping. I had a few Macy's gift cards burning a hole in my pocket and made the most of it by finding a few great articles of clothing to stock my wardrobe with. I also needed to pick up a pair of shoes for the two weddings I am in. Thank you to both of the brides for choosing the same color shoes for me to wear. I am not going to lie, I am blessed to be a part of both of their occasions, but it is starting to get pretty darn expensive and my wallet is starting to take a hit. Don't feel bad girls, I have loved every minute of it and would not have it any other way!!

Saturday was Anne's bachelorette party. All of the other brides maids and Anne joined JJ and I at Macy's and we proceeded to pick the bride out the sexiest bachelorette outfit and shoes. We took advantage of JJ's fashion sense and eye for style and picked out the cutest little dress and high heels before we made it tacky with penis necklaces and a veil. After shopping, but before getting gussied up for the big night, we all had a scrumptious dinner at The Cheesecake Factory. I did a great job at sticking to my diet and just ordered a salad and a vodka martini. Okay, so maybe alcohol is not necessarily on my diet, but at least I found a drink that had no carbs in it. None of the girls were very helpful, because they insisted I try all of the decadent deserts they indulged in, to cheat just a little bit, but I stayed strong.... for now.

We made our way to the hotel, which thanks to one of the other bridesmaids, was comped. I have never been able to say that I have gotten a room comped before that night. I have had great deals for being in the military, but to get a $200 room for nothing is a new concept and one I could get used to. We rushed to get ready, because in all the fun we were having at the dinner, we lost track of time. We had a show to get to at 730 and were cutting it really close. We did a quick game of guess who the panties belong to which consisted of Anne pulling panties out of a bag and had to guess by the style who bought them for her. No, they were not previously used, they were all new with the tags and her size. Although I was pretty tempted to buy her a pair of granny maternity panties, I got her a nice pair for her honeymoon. We also decked her out in all of her gear which included a pair of nerd glasses with a penis as the nose. I have no idea who came up with some of this stuff, but we were cracking up. Lucky for Anne, we did not require her to wear this out in public.

JJ, Anne and I decided to wear some pretty high heels and it was the first time I had worn any in about 11 months. About two blocks from the hotel, I quickly realized that it was probably a huge mistake. So JJ and I turned around and got three pairs of flats out of the trunk of the car to carry in our bags for later that night.

The show was okay. I thought it was entertaining, but it was a compilation show of all the best skits and songs of the year and I was a little dissapointed that I was only familiar with about 3 of the songs. The skits were pretty funny and we purchased a special little serenade for Anne. It was a rendition of Ricky Martain's "Livin La Vida Loca" but it was all about living the married life. It was hilarious and Anne ate it up! She was dancing with the actor and we all got a little rowdy.

After the show, and quite a few beers may I add, we headed down the way to one of the bars. It was at this point that I decided I was not going to repeat the same mistake I had made last Saturday and decided to start drinking water. All of the other girls were still drinking their beer and we were all dancing machines, but I THOUGHT the water would make me feel better.

I have to tell this particular story even though I am truly embarrassed to do so. We were having a little problem with one of the bridesmaids. Let's just say she forgot her ID. So we needed to be stealthy in getting her into the bar. I had this great idea to distract the doorman. My shoes zip up the side and are not the easiest to get on or off, so I sat down on the floor next to the bouncer's chair, stuck my feet up on his lap, and asked for his assistance with removing my shoes so I could put on my flip flops. I KNEW those flip flops would come in handy. I think at least five people slipped by the bouncer in the 3 minutes it took him to help me, but the bridesmaid was not one of them. At one point JJ got down on the floor next to me and was mocking me. I can just imagine how this whole scene would look to a sober bystander. It turns out they finagled their way in through the other door so my act of drunken heroism was futile.

We finally made our way back to the hotel room around one AM. Yeah, I know that is still early for some, but most of us are married and some already have kids, so one was late for us. Ahhh, I remember the days when I could stay up to close down a bar and then desperately look for the after party. Not any more. I was ready to go back around midnight, and I was on the phone with Foster begging him to pick me up. Since he was already tucked in for the night, and knew that I was within walking distance of my safe place to sleep, he refused to pick me up. I don't blame him one bit. When we got back to the hotel is when my entire diet went out the window. We ordered Donato's pizza, and I inhaled at least six pieces. I am glad I did because I am sure that is one of the reasons I was at least able to function Sunday morning. Although I drank a TON of water after 11pm, I still woke up with the biggest headache, but after getting home and sleeping for another two ours, I was ready to start moving furniture with the hubby. I am so excited about the new rooms and will definitely post pictures this next week because it is WAY over due for you all to see my home, but that is for a future post.

There are a few reasons that Saturday was so special to me. As I mentioned in previous posts, Anne deserves this celebration more than anyone I know. Her life has been full of trials and tribulations, and continues to be even as I write this. She deserves happiness with this future husband of hers and deserves the support of her friends. The first marriage she had was in a court house, and no one attended because no one supported it. I feel so guilty for this, because as her friend I should have supported her no matter what, but time proved to her that my initial feelings toward her husband held some merit. Unfortunately it took her WAY too long and WAY too much pain before getting out of it.

Second, JJ and Anne have never been close. They are both very very close friends of mine but have been a part of different aspects of my life. They are two polar opposites and because of that, and a drunk admittance to a little bit of jealousy, it caused them to never open up to each other. Well, on Saturday they both got to know each other, had fun, and I think actually may enjoy future activities together. This makes me sooooooooo happy, I don't think either one of them know how happy it makes me feel. They are both such amazing people, and I am thrilled they see that in each other now. God has blessed me with some beautiful friends, and they have been two of my biggest supports through the last few months, and I am happy that they can now see why I am good friends with both of them.

So, this next Saturday, I will stand proud next to Anne and smile from ear to ear, and probably cry, as her and her fiance become man and wife. Oh, and don't worry, my shoes will stay on because I am not drinking a sip next week!