Rosie's First Heavenly Birthday Post

I know, I know, this is way long overdue, along with my kitchen remodel post. But, as I mentioned before, it was all about getting motivated to empty my memory card. Having a 16MB card is sometimes a bad thing.

Leading up to Rosalynn's birthday, I was nervous. There were so many feelings and emotions that correspond with her day, and they were becoming overwhelming. I am sure that the new pregnancy hormones were not helping a whole lot, but it was also the pregnancy that was exacerbating these emotions.


April 20th loomed over my head, and to me it almost seemed like a jinxed day. I was terrified that I would wake up in the morning and this pregnancy would end, or some other tragedy would happen in my family. I don't know why I was feeling this way, probably just because my life will always be defined as "Life before April 20th 2010" versus "Life after April 20th 2010".

I didn't know what exactly to expect. If she was here on earth, we would have had a HUGE celebration with both sides of the family, friends of mine and all the kids her age too. However, how do you go about celebrating the short life in my womb and her death? Some people voiced their disagreement with a memorial/celebration. Of course, for those of you who have followed me and gotten to know me, or know me in real life, I choose to ignore people like this and do what I feel is right. I felt like she deserved a celebration and fortunately, most agreed.

Rosalynn has touched so many lives, more lives than some people who have lived for 50+ years could ever come close to touching, and for that I think she deserved a celebration.


I knew one thing, I did NOT want to be alone on this day. Foster had an exercise he had to attend for his unit, but said he would try to get off early, if not, we would have the evening together. I should have known at that moment that my family would never have let me go through this day alone. I think they needed me as much as I needed them. I didn't even have to ask, my mom and sister took the day off of work, and JJ got off around noon. I also got a call from my aunt saying she was coming in from NY to spend the day with us. I can't even begin to explain how blessed I am to have a family like this.

We made plans to spend time together in the local out door mall that boasts a grand assortment of restaurants and shops. We ate at one of my favorite places, California Pizza Kitchen, and spent some time wandering around the mall, not really looking for anything in particular, but just spending time with each other.

Mid afternoon we all stopped off at the party center store in order to buy a bunch of balloons. I had decided that with the loss of my daughter, I had gained a group of friends that I felt deserved a special gift on this day. All of the women from my baby loss community have been such and integral part of my healing, and I wanted to do something to thank them. We bought 31 balloons, 15 pink for the girls, 15 blue for the boys, and one red one for my Rosalynn. JJ, Bug and I spent the next hour writing the names of babies taken too soon from their parents on the balloons and taking pictures of all of them (which will be posted at the end of this post and can be clicked on to enlarge and copied for your own enjoyment!)

we had a few casualties of war!

Us girls hard at work with the balloons!

Rosie amongst all her friends!

Rosie and Ellie (my sister's old roomie and my first nurse who took care of me and Rosie...her niece)

The notes we attached to the balloons to send up to Rosie:

We headed out to the cemetery around 4:30pm where Papa JJ, my dad, Ky, Matt, Mrs. H with baby H, and Mrs. Compass, her 2 kids and her VERY pregnant belly, my oldest sister Jan and my niece Lish joined us girls for some prayers, balloon release, and champagne/sparkling grape juice toast. Others made out notes to Rosie that were also attached to the balloons.

The day was pretty windy, and had a chill in the air. It looked like it would rain any moment. I was afraid of the balloons getting stuck in the trees of the woods across from Rosie's headstone, so Foster, Ky, Matt, Mrs. Compass' daughter and I stepped out further away from the woods to make sure they made it over the trees. Unfortunately, 2 of the three bunches of balloons got stuck in the ONLY TREE in the middle of the hill!! OF COURSE!!!

We all had a good laugh about this, because it just proved that Rosie would have been more like me than we probably wanted. She and her friends did not want to leave the party!! They wanted to stick around, and be stubborn.

balloons in trees!

uncle Mr JJ climbing the tree to release the balloons

Papa JJ and Foster lead us in prayer and we even sang a happy birthday to Rosie. I have to admit, I had been really good up until this point! As the group sang Happy Birthday, the tears started streaming. This should have been a totally different scene.

beens" at that moment.

After a lovely gathering, the majority of us headed to Rosie's favorite place to eat, Max and Erma's. Mrs. Prince and I frequented this establishment multiple times a week throughout our pregnancies. Rosie LOVED the French onion soup and Cesar salad, so I ordered it. I also had sweet tea, although it has had a tendency of making me sick through this pregnancy, Pumpkin put up with it for this one occasion.

I was given many gifts this day. Cards, phone calls, texts, and things to remember Rosie by were given to me in abundance. I was even given over $170 from my mom's school to put towards Roses from Rosalynn!

Pumpkin wasn't left out either. My sister gave me something I had not seen in exactly 362 days. The card said "To my little brother/sister From Rosalynn". They were onsies that everyone made at my baby shower exactly 3 days before we gave birth to our sleeping daughter. My sister had kept them at her place so they could dry, and although I wanted them, I was never ready to actually see them. When I pulled them out, I started crying again. So many memories of my baby girl, and she never took a single breath here on earth.

Since the JJs had yet to see the new kitchen, them and Bug and Ky came back with us and my parents and aunt to the house to eat ice cream cake. It was the one thing Foster had requested. We skipped the singing this time, because I wasn't sure my heart could handle it again, and we all dug in.

After everyone went home, Foster and I headed to bed with the puppies in tow. It had been an emotionally taxing day, but it was a beautiful one. I had gotten the chance to spend time with some of the people that mean the most to me, and who love Rosalynn as much as I do. They all decided that we had to make this a tradition. We have to continue to get together and celebrate this amazing little girl who has touched so many people!

I know there are probably things I left out, but I think I cover the most important aspects of the day. Thank you to all of you who left messages on FB and this blog. Thank you to those who "attended" my FB virtual birthday event. These small things mean SOOOOOOO much to me, you will never know! Just knowing that some of you thought about her and us on April 20th meant the world to me!!!!  So to those of you who requested your baby's names on a balloon, here they are. Feel free to copy the picture and post it on your name pages/FB/etc.

If You Google Me

If you ever noticed the Feedjit live on the side of my blog, it shows where and what time my visitors come in. It also tellme what country, state, and city they are from. The cool part, is it shows where the traffic is coming from. So if you click on my blog from another blog, or from facebook, or directly type in my address, I can tell. There is also this cool feature that if someone came to my blog from googling something, then it shows what they typed into the search engine that brought them to my site. Here are just a few of the tings you can type into google to find my posts and what posts they took these people to.

"God answers prayers in amazing ways" took this person to my post "God Answers Prayers in AMAZING Ways" which was a post about how I was going to meet Angie Smith at the Women of Faith Conference instead of just receiving a much wanted reply email.

"Picture fram that says all because two people fell in love" took this googler to "Grief the Complicated Companion". Which was all about Mama JJs angel day, and haw grief sneaks up and bites you in the butt, i am sure this poor person was not expecting that information.

"baking soda old wives tale" brought this apparently pregnant woman to "Heart Palpitations and Old Wives Tale #4" which is pretty self explanitory.

"army gown" brought a possible military wife to "Military Ball Dress Shopping" which may have actually helped this shopper, b/c there were some gorgeous gowns I found!

"how far along should you be before doing the ring test for baby gender" brough yet another pregnant woman to one of my old wives tales, "Old Wives Tale #2". I knew these posts would be helpful to others...and FUN!

"10 Days Past Ovulation pregnancy test" too a wannabe, and hopefully succesfully pregnant woman to "10DPO" I hope this gave her a little hope, but not TOO much false hope....10DPO is REALLY early to get a positive pregnancy test!

And last, someone came across my blog when they typed "voyerism with friends" into google!! I don't know if I want to know why someone was googling this topic, but I am sure they were extremely dissapointed when they got a post about how I got to meet one of my favorite bloggers turned real life friend Holly from Caring for Carleigh in the post "Voyerism, Exhibitionism, Old Friends and New Friends"

It is interesting who unknowingly, outside of the military and baby loss mom community stumbles upon this blog. I just hope that, in most cases, they find what they are looking for, and possibly go away with a smile.

Old Wives Tale #6

This one is a slight adjustment to the last addition of age and year of conception. This tale comes from the Mayan Wives.

Legend has it that the Mayans determined a baby's sex by looking at the mother's age at conception and the year of conception. If both are even or odd, it's a girl. If one's even and one's odd, it's a boy.

Let's look back at Rosalynn. I conceived her in 2009 when I was 27. So according to this that is BOTH odd and she was supposed to be a girl, and they were right!


With Pumpkin I conceived in 2011 and I was 29 years old. So according to the Mayan old wives, 2 odds mean Pumpkin should be a Girl.

Avaleen: 66.6%
Declan: 33.3%

Declan is falling further and further behind!

Stay tuned because later tonight I will be posting about Rosalynn's first heavenly Birthday!! Yes folks, two posts in one day!

This Summer's Hottest Accessory!!

 
That's right, my holter monitor. I think it can go with just about anything! Don't you?

I figured as soon as this monitor went on, it would be my luck that my heart would all of the sudden behave, and the palpitations would stop. Well, I was WRONG. They have actually been pretty prominent today, wearing me out a bit! I hope that because of this, the cardiologist is able to get a good idea of what is going on.

I had some swelling on my legs, actually just my left leg, the other day and it had me worried. Of COURSE the worst is going through my mind. I have heard of instances where women get Congestive Heart Failure (CHF) during pregnancies, and although it resolves after the baby is born, it is not easy on the mom's heart. I know, the odds of this are slim to none, but the heart palpitations and swelling so early in the pregnancy have me worried! Good thing is my BP was normal, and there has not been a single trace of protein in my urine so far, so pre-eclampsia is not a factor as of right now.

Sometimes working in the medical field is a BAD thing at times like this!! I did, however, purchase some compression hose to help bade off the swelling and avoid getting clots since it is clear there is currently some sort of circulation problem. Better be safe than sorry. I also started some low dose aspirin that Dr. C had told me i could start if it "would make you fell better" around week 7. I didn't feel the need at that point, but I started it this past week.

June 17th I meet with the cardiologist. Pray everything comes out ok!

Thanks for all the love and support!

Grief...the Complicated Companion

Grief is a complicated companion to live with. Once I think I have is figured all out, once I think I have learned to live with a slightly heavy heart, it bites me in my butt.

This past Friday was the one year angelversary of Mama JJ. For those of you who joined me within the past year, I wrote about her here and here. On the Wednesday prior to her day, I was overwhelmed with emotions. I was driving home from work in the morning, and the song "If heaven wasn't So Far Away" came on the radio. Tears started streaming down my face. Day dreams of visiting Rosalynn and Mama JJ and My Granny started running through my mind.

When I got home, I sat at my desk and the frame that holds a copy of Rosie's U/S picture and two pictures of Foster and I on our wedding day with the saying "All because two people fell in love" across the bottom stared back at me. I started sobbing. Uncontrollable, heaving sobs. This is probably the first time in months that I have cried this hard. I can only really give you one good reason why I was crying so hard, why the pain was so raw for the first time in months........ I miss them. I miss them all!

Obviously I miss my daughter. There still isn't a moment that goes by that I don't think of her. I have been wondering things like if this baby will look anything like his/her sister and have been comparing u/s pictures. I have wondered if Rosie would be as interested in my growing belly as the dogs have been over the past couple weeks. I wonder what kind of big sister she would have been. I feel guilty, like I have been neglecting her here, and she was the reason I started this blog. I know, I did not focus this blog on baby loss because I was hopeful that my life would be filled with rainbows one day, but she is still my first born, and I never want anyone to think I would forget her for one minute.

I miss Mama JJ. I miss her gentle heart and uplifting attitude. It pains me to see the tears and sorrow in both Papa JJ's and JJ's eyes as they talk about her knowing there is NOTHING I can do to take away the pain but all I can do is be there for them.

I miss my Granny. It has been almost 12 years since she passed, but I still miss her a lot. She was the best grandmother a girl could ask for, and both her and Rosie's bodies are resting together as their should play in heaven together. I just know Granny is enjoying every moment with her great granddaughter.

I wanted to show you all what bloomed between Rosie's original due date, May 28th, and Mama JJs angel day, June 3rd. Sorry, these are all from my phone, so the pictures aren't as good as the ones I took with my camera.

 


My climbing roses...getting bigger and bigger each year! It never fails, it bloomed on Rosie's b-day last year too!!

Rosie's rose bush that my in laws gave us on the day of her funeral! It has 7 blooms so far!

Probably my favorite color rose in my garden this year! The picture does it no justice!!

 

Foster had the idea to cut some and bring them to JJ for her mom's day. So I picked one off each bush and mad e a small bouquet. Friday, Mama JJ's angel day, turned out to be a beautiful day. The weather was perfect and JJ, Bug and I started our morning off with a great breakfast followed by a matinee showing of "Bridesmaids". Honestly, if you want to see this movie, wait till it comes out on DVD. It was cute, but I expected a lot better. We passed the time int he afternoon by shopping at Mama JJs favorite stores, drinking Godiva chocolate milshakes, and enjoying lunch on the patio of a Frenchh style bistro.

Every special occasion we buy a Pandora bead. For Rosie's one year angelversary we bought the "Angel of Hope bead", now all of us (mom, me, Bug, my aunt, and JJ) have that bead.

We were having a little harder time picking out a bead to represent Mama JJ. JJ asked the sales girl if they had any new beads. They pulled out this feather bead. Instantly we knew it fit Mama JJ. Feathers always remind me of her free spirit. JJ always pictures her mom flying free as a bird, and they even released some of her ashes off the wings of a newly released bald eagle that had been nursed back to health by the "Save the Eagle Foundation". The feather was PERFECT!

We then met up with the rest of the gang; Papa JJ, my mom and dad, Foster, and Ky for dinner at Mama JJ's favorite restaurant Olive Garden. It was really nice, and followed by ice cream. I refrained since I had indulged in the decadent Godiva milkshake earlier in the day, but I can't say I didn't sample a taste of my mom and dad's.

There were no special ceremonies or balloon release like we did for Rosie (and yes, I am VERY aware I haven't posted about it yet, and I will as soon as I motivate myself to transfer my pictures off the memory card...it is the one downside to having a 16GB card, I never clear it!) for there is no grave site to visit her, but the day was filled with Mama JJ nonetheless. I felt her all day. It was a beautiful day of remembrance.

I know as I walk through life with grief as a constant companion, I will have more bad days, and as I watch Pumpkin grow, I will constantly wonder how Rosie would be to her little brother/sister. However, I know that my little girl, Mama JJ and Granny will be watching over all of us until the day that we join them in heaven.

Week 16

Wow! time seems to be going pretty fast. Maybe it is because I have been so busy! This time in the pregnancy with Rosalynn, I was getting married. I guess looking back, that pregnancy went pretty fast up until this point also. I  just hope it continues. Because if we stick to the plan, Pumpkin should be her in 18.5 weeks! Crazy huh?


Size of baby: Right now, about the size of an avocado: 4 1/2 inches long (head to rump) and 3 1/2 ounces.


Maternity clothes: I am wearing all maternity bottoms, but I am still wearing some shirts that are flowy, non-maternity
Sleep: doing better. I have been slowly getting more energy, but still like my cat naps from time to time
Best moment of the week: Seeing Pumpkin on u/s again. The girls and I tried to figure out the sex last night when we got a little slow @ work. It was a lot of fun! But Pumpkin is definitely her mother's child! She/he was ornery, and had his/her legs completely crossed indian style. Then he/she must have gotten irritated with us poking around, because she/he flipped her/his back completely towards us and would not flip back. It was still amazing watching Pumpkin moving all around.

Also, I had a prenatal massage, which I will talk about more in my vacation blog, but it was AMAZING!!!
Movement: Still having gassy flutters! But I can feel real movement when I put the doppler wand on my belly. I can feel the baby moving!
Symptoms: Heart palpitations, still some nausea and the occasional vomiting with strong odors, primarily Foster's bodily function smells!! Yes, he has made me vomit!!
Food cravings/aversions: fruit, fruit smoothies, and McDonald's Chicken Nuggets. No real aversions, just things that don't sound appetizing at the time.

Gender: The u/s tech said that if she had to guess when I was 13 weeks, she would say Girl, but not to paint the nursery yet....I hope she is right! Tried to verify last night and had a stubborn one on our hands!

Belly button in or out: Still in

Stretch marks: TONS of old ones from Rosalynn, and a few new ones popping up on my boobs and hips.

What I miss: I wanted raw oysters really bad this week! But I would give up anything for 10 months as long as this little one is healthy.
What I am looking forward to: Finding out the sex for sure and feeling the baby move more prominently.

Weekly wisdom: Heart Palpitations are normal, but only to a certain extent.
Dream of the week: Another amazing dream about this little one. Again, it was a girl. This time I was in the OR getting my c-section. They checked the baby out and everything was fine, even @ 34w4d. Next thing I knew, I was standing beside the bassinet. I don't know how my guts were not hanging down to the floor, because the doctors had not even sewn me up yet. My whole family was there and we were all crying at how amazing it was. I hope upon hope these dreams come true. I still don't want to get too excited, because it makes me nervous every time I start thinking that this might be my "take home baby".

Belly Pic: Holy Moly my belly looks bigger than I feel right now! No more looking fat, I actually LOOK pregnant now! please don't mind the lack of makeup, I had no time to do it after I got done with an INTERESTING, STRESSFUL phone call this afternoon (but that is for another time).

Old Wives Tale #5

It has been over a week since I have posted anything, and I have good reason! I will post all about my amazing trip to Georgia with Foster. There was a resort, a mountain, and a BEAUTIFUL wedding. However, I have to work tomorrow night, so it will probably have to wait till Thursday. Until then, here is another fun old wives tale. I already tested it on Rosalynn, and it was true, but with my friend who is pregnant now, and has two boys it was wrong...her boys should have been girls by these calculations. Once again, probably only a 50% chance of accuracy, but hey, at least it is fun!

So the old wives say that if you add your age to the year you conceived, and it turns out to be even, you are having a girl, if odd, a boy. So if we take my age (which I am not thrilled to reveal but for the sake of these posts I will) 29 plus the year '11

29+11= 40 = even= GIRL

So lets see if this rang true for Rosalynn too! I was 27 when I conceived her in 2009.

27+9=36 =even= GIRL

So the scales have tipped in the opposite direction:

Avaleen: 60%
Declan: 40%