The Mind Playing Tricks!

When I went to Dr. C (my high risk doctor), he seemed very knowledgeable. He explained to me what the plan for the next child would be, and what he would and would not do. However, what really impressed me the most is when he looked at pictures of Rosie and made it seem very personal. He said although he could not relate to our situation personally, he told me a story.

"When I attended the funeral of my 87 year old grandmother one of her best friends got up to say a eulogy and started saying all of these beautiful stories about my grandmother. Then she talked about something none of us knew. She mentioned that my grandmother was not afraid of death, and that she has not been afraid of dying since she was twenty years old. The reason she was not afraid of dying is because it would be the first time she would get to meet her daughter Mary for the first time.
None of us were aware that my grandmother had lost a baby girl when she was 36 weeks along. 67 years after her daughter's passing, she was still thinking about her and still missed her."

He said although he could not take this pain away, he could do everything in his power to make sure we get a healthy, happy baby. One thing he wanted to do was get an MRI of my uterus. When Dr. T performed my surgery, she noticed I had a heart shaped uterus but could not tell the severity of the situation because my uterus was all stretched out due to the pregnancy. Dr. C wanted to get an MRI of my uterus at normal size to see what he is dealing with.

I had the MRI scheduled for Friday. I was filling out the paper work when I came across the question "Is the a chance you could be pregnant?" I thought about this for a few moments. Well, I am of child bearing age, I ovulated around the 14th (I felt it), and Foster and I are an active married couple. Of course I COULD be pregnant. However, I know an MRI poses no real threat to a developing fetus like a CAT scan or even an X-ray can, because a MRI used magnets instead of radiation. So, I marked the "NO" box. I patiently waited in the reception area pondering the idea, "What if I WERE pregnant?" There would be so many mixed emotions. I would be excited, but nervous. I don't know if I would be ready emotionally, and physically, I would like to lose another twenty pounds before conceiving another baby. However, it is all up to God, and if He feels it is the right time, I will trust Him.

My name was finally called and I followed the technician back to the MRI room. I deposited my purse and keys into the locker and removed all of my jewelry. She brought me into the room and started explaining the process to me, "The first part of the test we are going to just take some images of your uterus. Then I am going to take you out for a minute, administer some contrast, and take some more images of the vessels in your uterus."
WOAH buddy! Contrast? Contrast is usually used with CAT scans, and it contain isotopes that help make the images more detailed, but most important, contain radiation that will most likely cause problems in a pregnancy. "Wait," I said, "what if I COULD be pregnant?"

"Are you, or do you think you are?"

"I don't know. I could possibly be pregnant, I am young, married, active, and ovulated a few days ago. If I am, I would only be a few days pregnant. The probability that I am pregnant is slim, but the possibility is there. I don't know what to do."

"Well," the tech responded," unless you tell me 'NO', I cannot do this test on you. Why don't you just reschedule for when your period is due, and if you have to cancel, GREAT, cause that means you are pregnant. If not, at least you have the piece of mind that you are definitely not pregnant."

"I feel so stupid," I responded, "I feel so stupid about coming all the way in here and now I have to turn around and reschedule. Maybe it is wishful thinking, but I would rather be safe than sorry." I walked back out the reception area, and rescheduled myself for July 2nd which is around the time my monthly gift should be here.

I hate how our minds can play tricks on us. When I was not trying to get pregnant, every symptom scared me, and I prayed that I would get my monthly visitor and would let out a sigh or relief when Aunt flow did come. However, now that Foster and I hope to get pregnant, every little thing makes me think I am pregnant. I have been waking up in the morning with slight nausea and light headed. I have gotten up at least three times in the middle of the night to pee for the last 3 nights. I swear my boobs grew a whole size over night, I am having issues sleeping and I like to think the slight pains in my abdomen are ones of implantation. I am praying that my famous aunt stays away on the 28th. However, everyone of these symptoms have a reasonable explanation. For one, it is soooo early if I am pregnant, how on earth can I feel symptoms already. The nausea and light headed could be a result from not sleeping well. The fact that I am not sleeping well could be a result from the cough and sore throat I am suffering from. The increased urination could be from all the water I have been drinking because my throat hurts. It could just be my mind playing tricks on me with the pains in my abdomen, and my boobs could just be getting bigger because I am 6 days from that time of the month.

I refuse to be too excited. I will not take any pregnancy tests until I am "late". I refuse to get my hopes up, because I don't want to be disappointed. I also do not know if I am ready to go through another pregnancy, because it would be so stressful, but if that is the plan, I will embrace it, and follow that path.

Although I will not tell anyone if I do get a Big Fat Positive (BFP) next week, I wear my heart on my sleeve, and I am sure everyone will know by the way I act. Why must my body tease me?!?!?