Signs Signs, Everywhere are Signs!

I am a skeptic. I honestly don't know how I feel about "signs" and "ghosts". I want to say I believe in them, but there is no logical way of explaining these phenomena and there is no scientific way to proving them. In the baby loss community, there is a want to get signs from our children in heaven. We look for things signifying to us that our babies are okay, and that they are looking out for us. A popular signs amongst the group are butterflies and rainbows. I would like to say that I feel these same emotions towards butterflies and rainbows, however, I can't. I don't know why, I find roses have a bigger impact on me; to each his own. Anyway, in order for me to believe in a sign, it literally has to smack me upside the head, or else I think to myself "I was looking for that", or "I am thinking too far into it."

A little over a week ago a fellow baby loss mom, blogger, and someone I have become pretty close to through my journey announced her pregnancy. I was OVER the MOON with excitement. I don't want you to think that for one instance I wasn't thrilled for her. However, it was official, I was the last one standing. You see, we have been on very similar journeys up till that  point. For instance, she lost her daughter seven days after I did. We were pretty much on the same cycle(if you know what I mean) we would check up on each other when that dreaded Aunt would come to visit every month. We were both struggling with our weight, the list goes on. I was fully expecting that we would find out we were pregnant around the same time, and carry our rainbows together, so when I found out she was pregnant, I decided to throw my hands in the air and give up! (obviously the thought NEVER crossed my mind that one of us may get pregnant a week or two ahead of the other.....hear the sarcasm!?!?). So I started praying. I started praying to God and talking to Rosie. Asking them to send me some sort of sign that I would be expecting a rainbow baby at some point. I didn't care when, I just wanted to know that Foster's and my efforts would not go ignored.

For the past three months I have been using an online tracking program called fertilityfriend.com. It helps me keep track of my ovulation tests, and predicts when is the best time to conceive. It was pretty spot on in it's predictions. After I ovulated, it would tell me every month what my expected due date would be if we had been lucky enough to conceive that month. Well, for some reason I had yet to look at that date this cycle. So I decided to scroll down. There it was in BIG BOLD letters "NOVEMBER 17, 2011". For those of you who know me in real life know the significance of this date. For those of you who don't, it is my 30th birthday! I didn't want to think too far into it, but I almost felt like that indeed was my sign. The next night, in fact, I told Foster about my "sign". You see, I have gotten these "signs" before, even prior to Rosie's death, and never told anyone and later regretted it. I feel that if you tell someone after the fact that you had a "sign" that it seems invalid or something of that nature. I hope this makes sense to all of you.

As we all know now, I DID get pregnant this cycle. You guessed it, that means my EDD is Nov. 17th. Even thought the baby will be taken by c-section sooner than this date, I still feel this has great significance, and was the sign I needed to rest my anxious soul.

Then I decided to call my sergeant and let him know. I have a PT test this weekend, seeing that this consists of sit ups and push ups and running, it can be strenuous on your body. I am willing to do some exercises, but not willing to push my body that hard. He was ecstatic that I was expecting again, and agreed to let my leadership know. As I got off the phone, my mind started reeling. All of the "What if's" started to run through my head. I was scared and worried that something might happen to this little one. It had only been a little over 24 hours since I had learned about his or her existence, and already he or she was giving me so much hope and I was already falling in love with him/her.  I was stopped at a stop light behind another car. I glanced down at the bumper where I saw a sticker. I am one who likes to be entertained by bumper stickers, so I read it. This is what I saw:

If you can't quite read that, sorry, my camera phone is not as good as my Canon, and I didn't have my Canon on me. The sticker says "Why Worry? God's in control!
I guess I get what I ask for. I DID ask God and Rosie for a sign.....

This is just what I needed, just at the right time. I started laughing and crying at the same time. I looked up to heaven and said "OK God, I get it, this is all You this time!" I immediately called Foster to tell him what I saw and tell him I thought everything would be okay. He is more of a skeptic than I am. He just blew it off to pure coincidence. However, I think his mind was changed the next day.

Rosalynn's rose petals from her funeral. Foster had a single bead made that he wore around his neck with his saint medals. One day, it was gone. He could not find it. We searched the house high and low for it. We looked in the cars and in his clothes thinking it had come off in one of his shirts. We even checked his gym bags. We finally gave up. well, Foster was playing fetch with the dogs in the back yard of Tuesday, and low and behold, he found his "Rosie bead"!! Our back yard is not small by any means, and what are the odds?!?!?!

"Do you believe in signs yet?" I asked. He is still not sure, but I think it is getting harder for him to deny that our Rosalynn, our beautiful daughter is trying to put her parents' minds at ease.

These are a few of the reasons i decided to share our news so quickly. Something tells me to feel good about this pregnancy, that everything will be okay. What do you think?

The Post Everyone Has Been Praying For!!

***Warning to BLMs...pregnancy triggers****

If you have learned anything about me over the past eleven months, is that I am not one to hold anything back. It is almost impossible for me to keep a secret, just ask my family. I have to wait until the last minute to buy Christmas presents, or else I tell everyone what I got them before Christmas morning rolled around. When I got the positive pregnancy test on Sunday, Foster and I were convinced we were going to keep this a secret until at least Rosie's birthday on April 20th. I wasn't going to tell my family, my friends, and I was definitely NOT posting on facebook or my blog. However, after reflecting on the positives and negatives of telling this soon, I realized the positives outweighed the negatives.

If I told everyone I was pregnant now, there would be so much hope in people's hearts. Of course there would be the fear, but I am praying HOPE would beat out. Fear is from the devil, HOPE is from God (Remember this post?). Also, if I told everyone now, I would have an astounding amount of prayers all over the country, even the world praying for this little pumpkin. After all, doesn't the bible say "Where two or three are gathered in my name, there am I in their midst." (Matthew 18:20).  The way I figure, although we are not all in the same building, we are all praying for the same cause, a happy healthy pregnancy and a crying baby in nine months. IF God forbid anything happens to this baby, I will have a support group. My friends and family will already know about it, and help me through another tough time. Trust me, I am not trying to be negative, however, I am VERY aware of the odds this early in a pregnancy.

The negatives were obviously losing the baby early on in the pregnancy, and also possibly losing followers of my blog. I have debated starting another blog for my rainbow baby, however, I purposefully named my blog "Journey of Life and Love" because I knew I did not want it to be just a blog about Rosie. Obviously that is the reason I started online blogging, but this space is about my life. Plus I have felt Rosalynn present more in the past week than I have in a few months. She is all around me and Foster, and has been showing us signs left and right (I will post about these signs tomorrow!).

That being said, please realize this is not a cure for my grief. Getting pregnant again will NOT stop me from loving Rosalynn, it will not make me forget about her, and it will not stop me from pursuing the things I am doing in her name. If anything, these past few days have made me miss her even more. All I think about is how she would be a great big sister, and she should be here with us going through this with us. I have been an emotional basket case. Remember the definition of a "Rainbow Baby" The understanding that the beauty of a rainbow does not negate the ravages of the storm. When a rainbow appears, it doesn't mean the storm never happened, the family is not still dealing with the aftermath. What it means is that something beautiful and full of light has appeared in the midst of the darkness and clouds. Storm clouds may still hover, but the rainbow provides a counterbalance of color, energy, and hope."

So how far along are we.....EARLY. Tomorrow I will be 4 weeks. That's right, I am going against what most would do. Most women would be afraid of announcing this early. However, remember, I did not lose one in the first trimester, I lost Rosie in the THIRD!! So, my new motto is "No matter what happens tomorrow, I am pregnant today, and I am going to celebrate that, and thank God every morning I wake up still pregnant." I am going to let this little pumpkin get all the love he/she deserves regardless of the amount of time he/she is in my womb.

Thank you all for you continued prayers and support. First u/s scheduled for March 31!!

True Love

"Love is what you've been through with someone" James Thurber

I am feeling extra sappy lately towards Foster. I am not sure why, I just feel like I am so blessed. I have truly found my true soul mate. It's funny, I have gotten so many wonderful compliments on him as a person and as us as a couple.

When I went to the ball with him, a couple of his old friends approached me and complimented me on how well we mesh as a couple, how well we balance each other out. I was completely flattered by their remarks. I am the outgoing, fun loving, sometimes TOO talkative woman, and he is my strong, silent, easy going man...unless he has a few drinks in him, and then you can't get HIM to shut up!

Then I received a compliment from Kam. She met him for the second time at the silent auction this past weekend. I called her today to see how well the auction did for BIHAA, and she wanted to tell me something. She explained that when she first met Foster, about 2 months after our loss, she could tell he was an amazing man. However, she could tell in his eyes he was angry. She said it was just his demeanor and his eyes that told her this. I have to admit, at this point in our journey, we were probably BOTH a little angry.

This past weekend, however, as he held and played with every child in that room, and made every baby giggle and smile, as he teared up during the stories of loss, Kam's feelings of him being an amazing man were solidified. She says out of everyone there, he was one of just a few that made a HUGE impression on her.
He makes a huge impression on me everyday of our life together.

I honestly feel like our loss has made us strong as oak. No matter what, there will be no tearing us apart. We have gone through the "through sickness, through bad times," all we have to look forward to are those "good times, and through health". Right? To reiterate the quote at the top....love IS what you have been through with someone, and Foster and I have been to hell and back together, our love is unstoppable!

If you can't tell, I love him so much! :-)

"Not only do I remember all the reasons I fell in love with you; I have found so many new reasons to love you even more" (Anonymous)

With One Voice: A Strong Foundation

“Therefore whoever hears these sayings of Mine, and does them, I will liken him to a wise man who built his house on the rock: and the rain descended, the floods came, and the winds blew and beat on that house; and it did not fall, for it was founded on the rock. “But everyone who hears these sayings of Mine, and does not do them, will be like a foolish man who built his house on the sand: and the rain descended, the floods came, and the winds blew and beat on that house; and it fell. And great was its fall.”(Matthew : 24-28)

When this parable was read in church today, it made me start thinking, hard. I realized that I was blessed with a family who encouraged and helped build a strong foundation in my faith. Growing up I probably complained more than I should have about attending church, but if I didn't I wouldn't have been a typical teenager. I was unaware of how important my faith would be to me later on in life.

Luckily, after growing up, I continued to practice my faith and hold a personal relationship with God. Just like any other relationship, the foundation is the most important piece. If you have a strong foundation in a marriage, friendship, or with God, no matter what obstacles are thrown in the way, your relationship will take the beating and survive. If however, your relationship is built out of weak "material", the relationship is doomed in tough times and tragedy. Examples of this material may be greed, pride, lust, you get the point. If you are with someone purely for sex, most likely the relationship won't hold up once something strains it, makes it too "real". If you are friends with someone because they can benefit you in some way, shape, or form, there is a good chance the friendship will end as soon as they are no use to you. The same goes for a relationship with God.

If your relationship is an "as needed" relationship, where you turn to him when you want something, but do not thanks him when you get it, or give yourself the credit without realizing you didn't do it by yourself; then most likely as soon as a major tragedy strikes, you will easily turn your back on Him. I have to admit, there have been many moments int he past ten months where I have gotten angry, asked Him "Why?" and tried to understand why he would take my child away from me. However, just like when my best friend JJ and I fight, as soon as I calm down, I am able to think clearly, and realized that it was not His fault and I must have faith that He will comfort me. "Just a a mother comforts her child, so will I comfort you." (Isaiah 66:13)

What are the basic building blocks of a strong foundation? Just as the deadly sins make for a weak foundation, the virtues are best to build a strong foundation; Faith, Hope and Charity.

Faith by definition is "belief that is not based on truth". As Christians, we have a faith that there is an amazing afterlife for us to look forward to, and eternal life in paradise with our Maker. We have faith that God knows what is best for us and will never give us more than we can handle.

Hope is the belief in a positive outcome related to events and circumstances in one's life. We have hope that we will make it to heaven if we lead a good life here on earth. I have that much more of an incentive to lead a good life here. I want to meet my daughter for the first time. I want to walk through the gates of heaven and hold her and hug her and play with her. I also have hope that God will bless me. It may not be on my schedule, or in the time I want, but he will. I may have to wait until I go to Heaven to get these blessings, but I have hope I will receive them.


Charity is the practice of benevolent giving and caring. "I tell you the truth, whatever you did for the least of my brothers, you did for me.' (Matthew 25:40). Loving and giving to our fellow brothers and sisters is one of the most important ways to live a Christian life and build your relationship with God. Jesus' life was spent caring for the sick and poor. Every person we help is as if we are doing it to Christ. "Treat others the way you want to be treated."

I know the loss of a child can literally rock a foundation, it rocked mine, but I am blessed that it did not crumble my house. To my BLMs: How has your faith been tested since the loss of your child? Did your foundation hold up?

In the Arms of Angels

Last night was a pretty emotional one. Back in His Arms Again held the first silent auction fundraiser. It went off without a hitch, and there were a lot more guests than I had expected. I was a little ashamed of myself because I have been so busy with work and school, getting ready to graduate, and working on roses from Rosalynn and my photography, that time had ran away with me, and I was unable to really help. the auction had originally been my idea, and the board took the idea and ran with it. They did an amazing job!!

It was held in a local church's banquet hall. Decorated with beautiful candles, and flowers, soft lighting and calming music. The theme was "In the Arms of Angels". A great spread of food and wine, cake and coffee were offered. Kam and her husband spoke of their losses and the start of the ministry. I had hear the story many times from Kam, and knew about her two losses, so I figured it wouldn't make me cry. Boy was I wrong! When she described laying on the exam table at her doctors, waiting to see her baby's heart beat, and hearing those 7 awful words that flip your life upside down, "I'm sorry, your baby has no heartbeat", I lost it. I looked over at Foster who was holding one of the other guest's twin baby girl, and he had tears streaming down his eyes. I know what was running through his head. I know at that moment he was reliving that moment in his mind too.

Then they featured a video of a family who recently lost their daughter after a two week stay in the NICU, and eventually went up to heaven. This is one of the MANY families that BIHAA helped over the past six years. It was heart breaking, and I continued to cry through the presentation. If their goal was to pull at people's heartstrings and cause them to donate, I am sure it worked!

I donated a photo session to the auction. A 1.5 hour session and free CD of pictures. I was more than happy to do this for the ministry. My mom was stalking the auction tables. She was bidding on a rosary made out of buckeyes, and a basket full of Starbucks coffee and goodies. It was pretty amusing to watch. She refused to lose either, so she over bid the estimated value of both items. She figured it was all going to charity, so why not! She is so funny. I had an amazing time with Foster, mom, dad, JJ and Mr. JJ. I was so happy that they accompanied me to support an organization that is near and dear to my heart. If any of you would be interested in what BIHAA does and what their mission is, check out this website:backinhisarmsagain.com. There is a list of their services and a button on the bottom to donate. It is not just limited to the state of Ohio, they have helped families all over the country, so if you know anyone who has lost a baby, it doesn't matter how old (5 weeks gestation-3 years old, it doesn't matter) feel free to direct them to this website.

Ok....HERE They Are!!

So I emailed my friend last night and sent her a sample of the photos of the naked photos she was self conscience about. She love them, and gave me permission to use them online. She was just worried I would post the naked belly photos before she got to see them, and she wanted to make sure I didn't use her real name. I COMPLETELY understand. I don't know if I would want my name with my naked belly online either! Here are my FAVORITE shots from yesterday!!! (spcae being left for those who still have pregnant belly triggers, and I promise my website is being designed so I don't have to post these any more)
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Overcoming a Fear and First Studio Shoot!!!

I was going to wait until I had permission to post all of the photos from this shoot (there was a little confusion that needs to be ironed out), however, I was sooooo excited after the two hour session, that I couldn't wait. i came right home, did some MINOR editing (cropping, black and whits, etc) and am so proud of the products thus far that I just had to share.

This shoot was an important one. It was my very first maternity shoot. After losing Rosalynn, I have voiced my feelings on here about pregnant women and bellies. I was terrified that this shoot would be heart wrenching. In the past couple months I have gone from the BLM to the BLM who is now infertile club, and for all of you fellow BLM and infertiles out there, you know how pregnant bellies usually make us feel. Well, that wasn't the case. I was so excited about the shoot and the artistry behind it, learning to use the different lights in the studio, and creating photos that this couple will cherish forever, I completely lost the feelings of jealousy and resentment.

She was beautiful, he was handsome and their little man even kicked a few times and knocked the blocks off her belly. Unfortunately, you will not get to see the block photos yet either, because they have the baby's name in it, and they have not told a soul what the baby's name will be. That's right, I was blessed to be the third person on earth to know what this baby's name would be! What an honor!! Of course my mentor was the 4th person since he was there too.

My mentor, we will call him Phil M (get it...film...haha), was so helpful and informative. the studio was decked out to the max with lighting and backdrops and props. I could not even tell you what all they had, because the place was packed with stuff. I opted to go for simple. Simple backdrops, simple fabrics, focusing on the family to be and the belly. Here are the first few photos that I can show. I took some bare belly shots, and now my friend is having second thoughts of me posting those. It is my fault. I printed up a release form, but forgot to get them to sign it because I was soooooo excited and nervous about this shoot, then I was so excited about the photos that I forgot to get them to sign AFTER the shoot also. I emailed her, and hopefully within a few days I will be able to post those also. Note to self: DO NOT forget to get that release form signed! (The naked belly photos and the block photos take up 2/3 of my files!!)

So without further ado (I am going to leave a space here for those of you who still feel bad seeing pregnant bellies!)
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