I am a skeptic. I honestly don't know how I feel about "signs" and "ghosts". I want to say I believe in them, but there is no logical way of explaining these phenomena and there is no scientific way to proving them. In the baby loss community, there is a want to get signs from our children in heaven. We look for things signifying to us that our babies are okay, and that they are looking out for us. A popular signs amongst the group are butterflies and rainbows. I would like to say that I feel these same emotions towards butterflies and rainbows, however, I can't. I don't know why, I find roses have a bigger impact on me; to each his own. Anyway, in order for me to believe in a sign, it literally has to smack me upside the head, or else I think to myself "I was looking for that", or "I am thinking too far into it."
A little over a week ago a fellow baby loss mom, blogger, and someone I have become pretty close to through my journey announced her pregnancy. I was OVER the MOON with excitement. I don't want you to think that for one instance I wasn't thrilled for her. However, it was official, I was the last one standing. You see, we have been on very similar journeys up till that point. For instance, she lost her daughter seven days after I did. We were pretty much on the same cycle(if you know what I mean) we would check up on each other when that dreaded Aunt would come to visit every month. We were both struggling with our weight, the list goes on. I was fully expecting that we would find out we were pregnant around the same time, and carry our rainbows together, so when I found out she was pregnant, I decided to throw my hands in the air and give up! (obviously the thought NEVER crossed my mind that one of us may get pregnant a week or two ahead of the other.....hear the sarcasm!?!?). So I started praying. I started praying to God and talking to Rosie. Asking them to send me some sort of sign that I would be expecting a rainbow baby at some point. I didn't care when, I just wanted to know that Foster's and my efforts would not go ignored.
For the past three months I have been using an online tracking program called fertilityfriend.com. It helps me keep track of my ovulation tests, and predicts when is the best time to conceive. It was pretty spot on in it's predictions. After I ovulated, it would tell me every month what my expected due date would be if we had been lucky enough to conceive that month. Well, for some reason I had yet to look at that date this cycle. So I decided to scroll down. There it was in BIG BOLD letters "NOVEMBER 17, 2011". For those of you who know me in real life know the significance of this date. For those of you who don't, it is my 30th birthday! I didn't want to think too far into it, but I almost felt like that indeed was my sign. The next night, in fact, I told Foster about my "sign". You see, I have gotten these "signs" before, even prior to Rosie's death, and never told anyone and later regretted it. I feel that if you tell someone after the fact that you had a "sign" that it seems invalid or something of that nature. I hope this makes sense to all of you.
As we all know now, I DID get pregnant this cycle. You guessed it, that means my EDD is Nov. 17th. Even thought the baby will be taken by c-section sooner than this date, I still feel this has great significance, and was the sign I needed to rest my anxious soul.
Then I decided to call my sergeant and let him know. I have a PT test this weekend, seeing that this consists of sit ups and push ups and running, it can be strenuous on your body. I am willing to do some exercises, but not willing to push my body that hard. He was ecstatic that I was expecting again, and agreed to let my leadership know. As I got off the phone, my mind started reeling. All of the "What if's" started to run through my head. I was scared and worried that something might happen to this little one. It had only been a little over 24 hours since I had learned about his or her existence, and already he or she was giving me so much hope and I was already falling in love with him/her. I was stopped at a stop light behind another car. I glanced down at the bumper where I saw a sticker. I am one who likes to be entertained by bumper stickers, so I read it. This is what I saw:
If you can't quite read that, sorry, my camera phone is not as good as my Canon, and I didn't have my Canon on me. The sticker says "Why Worry? God's in control!
I guess I get what I ask for. I DID ask God and Rosie for a sign.....
This is just what I needed, just at the right time. I started laughing and crying at the same time. I looked up to heaven and said "OK God, I get it, this is all You this time!" I immediately called Foster to tell him what I saw and tell him I thought everything would be okay. He is more of a skeptic than I am. He just blew it off to pure coincidence. However, I think his mind was changed the next day.
Rosalynn's rose petals from her funeral. Foster had a single bead made that he wore around his neck with his saint medals. One day, it was gone. He could not find it. We searched the house high and low for it. We looked in the cars and in his clothes thinking it had come off in one of his shirts. We even checked his gym bags. We finally gave up. well, Foster was playing fetch with the dogs in the back yard of Tuesday, and low and behold, he found his "Rosie bead"!! Our back yard is not small by any means, and what are the odds?!?!?!
"Do you believe in signs yet?" I asked. He is still not sure, but I think it is getting harder for him to deny that our Rosalynn, our beautiful daughter is trying to put her parents' minds at ease.
These are a few of the reasons i decided to share our news so quickly. Something tells me to feel good about this pregnancy, that everything will be okay. What do you think?
Well Here's a Huge Update
2 months ago