Another Rainbow on the Way

When I first started this journey, it was because I was in need of a MAJOR creative outlet after the devestating loss of my first born daughter, Rosalynn. I needed something that made me happy, and encouraged me to get out of the house. Work was work, and unfortunately, there were days I was constantly reminded of my loss with the frequent visits from pregnant ladies, miscarriages, and the occasional woman in labor. I worked in an ER. I was also becoming bitter, because there would be 7+ month pregnant women coming through the doors drunk and high on who knows what. I needed something that took me away from that and made me happy again. This is why I picked up the camera.

I was blessed to have an amazing support from women all over the country who had experienced losses such as myself. Holly was one of the first women I came in contact with. She was well know amongst the community, and luckily for me, she lived less than 2 hours away.

We had met up once or twice, and when she gave birth to her first rainbow baby, I begged her to let me take a few pictures. I needed the practice. I know, you are probably wondering what a "rainbow baby" is....well, you can find the explination here: http://journeyoflifeandluv.blogspot.com/2011/03/post-everyone-has-been-praying-for.html (about 3/4 of the way down is the definition).

She agreed, and I made my way to her to take a few photos of her daughter, Lainey, you can see those pictures here: http://journeyoflifeandluv.blogspot.com/2010/11/another-beautiful-family-shoot.html

I still LOVE these photos, but I can definitely tell I have come a LONG way!!

Well, Holly is officially expecting her second raibow baby, Evanee!! And I am soooo blessed that she chose ME for her maternity session. She is absolutely stunning, and her girsl are soooo cute!! All 4 girls were present through this shoot, including her angel Carleigh.

Holly was also VERY brave!! Not only did she want nudes, but she wanted me to post them. She claimed they were beautiful and needed to be shared:-) Of course when you are as beautiful as she is, it is easy to get great "nude" shots (as she points out, she is more covered in these shots then in a bakini!! LOL

Thank You Holly, and I cannot WAIT for Evanee's Newborn Photos!!!!

Heart Palpitations and Old Wives Tale #4

So for the sake of keeping everything documented for this pregnancy, I am going to write about the latest symptom I have been having. Heart Palpitations. That's right, my heart has been a fluttering away. Now my husband claims I have to stop thinking about him so much, and they will stop. Very funny!

At first it was only once in a while. I googled pregnancy and palpitations, and it seems that since there is such an increase in blood volume, sometimes a pregnant woman can experience palpitations, along with shortness of breath with exertion. So, I let out a sigh of relief and went about my business.

Well, this weekend they picked up...ALOT! I was having 1-1.5 hour stints of constant palpitations. Some of them were taking my breath away, and on Friday I had to pull over twice while driving in order to vomit. I have had awful nausea with this pregnancy, but up until now, not much vomiting. the palpitations felt like they were in my throat, which then in turn made me throw up. So I decided it was time to call the doctor.

I called the office, explained what was going on and they called me back about 30 mins later. The nurse told me that if the palpitations were still going on by Monday, to call back. REALLY?!?!? They had been going on for a week. What would make them think that they would go away over the weekend!!?!??  So I agreed and continued on my way.

Well, surprise, surprise, they got worse instead of better. Foster and I headed out to my parents house for a little "Rapture Party", that's right, if we were going to go out, we were going to do it all together! :-) It was a lot of fun for everyone, and I didn't want to ruin it, but I felt the need to let my doctor know that the palpitations were getting worse. He wanted me to go to the ER. Not the closest one to my parent's house and not even the one that I work in, but one of the largest in Ohio. I agreed, but with more contemplation, decided not to. I had a few reasons.

#1 I was NOT going to pay a $150 copay! It is ridiculous! People come in all the time with stubbed toes and minor injuries and never pay a dime b/c they don't have insurance, and they "Don't have any money", even though they have their smokes and cell phones right there with them.

#2 Foster and my family were having too much fun killing ground hogs, and cooking out. I didn't want to ruin the fun, and I figured as long as I rested, and kept myself pretty calm, the flutters were bearable. I would go on Sunday if they persisted.

#3 I was afraid they may want to admit me if they DID find something wrong. I had a photo shoot on Sunday morning that could NOT be rescheduled because it was for a first Holy Communion. So it's not like I could ask the church to reschedule for Monday or something.

#4 I didn't know if the trip would be worth my while. If I went in and they were asking my history and found out I lost a baby last April and am now pregnant, they may just chalk the palpitations up to anxiety. If they decided to take and EKG, and it was when a palpitation was NOT happening, it would just confirm their initial thoughts in their mind. I was afraid they wouldn't take me seriously. I work in and ER, I know how it works sometimes, unfortunately. We see too many women come in who just want and u/s because they don't have an OB, and will use every excuse in the book to get one. This causes a lot of speculation and jaded perspectives on the part of the nursing staff and doctors. I hate that this is true, and I am not saying it ALWAYS happens, but I was afraid I would be categorized as a "crazy stillbirth mom" you know?

On Sunday, I just prayed and prayed that I would make it through the 2 masses without incident. Although I was faced with a few palpitations, there was nothing too extreme. When I called Foster after the shoot, he asked that I come home first, so that if I decided to go to the ED, he could go with me. I love him! I got home and fell asleep. I slept for 4 hours, and actually felt a little better afterwards.

For the past 2 days they have still been happening, but ALOT less. I only intermittently get them again. However, I am calling tomorrow. I am calling my doctor and letting him know that no, they haven't gone away, and explain my reasoning for not going into the ER. I hope he takes me seriously. He had mentioned that we may need to do a 24 hour holter monitor. I figured, since he has office hours on Thursday, he may be able to fit me in...I hope!

Foster and I will be heading to Georgia for my cousin's wedding, so I would like to have an idea of our plan before we head down south. It will be nice to just relax with Foster for a few days, and I can stay pretty stress free, since he is doing most of the driving and I can sleep!

I will keep you all updated!

On a happier note, although our u/s tech had a guess to the sex last time, I am still doing the Old Wives Tales. This time I did the baking soda test. If you take a couple tablespoons of baking soda, and add your urine to it, if it bubbles it is supposed to mean you are having a boy, and if it doesn't it means you are having a girl. I guess it has something to do with the acidity of your urine. Well, there wasn't a single bubble. So, according to this test, it confirms what the tech guessed, and we can expect a GIRL.

Results so far:

Declan: 50%
Avaleen: 50%

Looks like we are back at square one!

The Post Everyone Has Been Praying For!!

***Warning to BLMs...pregnancy triggers****

If you have learned anything about me over the past eleven months, is that I am not one to hold anything back. It is almost impossible for me to keep a secret, just ask my family. I have to wait until the last minute to buy Christmas presents, or else I tell everyone what I got them before Christmas morning rolled around. When I got the positive pregnancy test on Sunday, Foster and I were convinced we were going to keep this a secret until at least Rosie's birthday on April 20th. I wasn't going to tell my family, my friends, and I was definitely NOT posting on facebook or my blog. However, after reflecting on the positives and negatives of telling this soon, I realized the positives outweighed the negatives.

If I told everyone I was pregnant now, there would be so much hope in people's hearts. Of course there would be the fear, but I am praying HOPE would beat out. Fear is from the devil, HOPE is from God (Remember this post?). Also, if I told everyone now, I would have an astounding amount of prayers all over the country, even the world praying for this little pumpkin. After all, doesn't the bible say "Where two or three are gathered in my name, there am I in their midst." (Matthew 18:20).  The way I figure, although we are not all in the same building, we are all praying for the same cause, a happy healthy pregnancy and a crying baby in nine months. IF God forbid anything happens to this baby, I will have a support group. My friends and family will already know about it, and help me through another tough time. Trust me, I am not trying to be negative, however, I am VERY aware of the odds this early in a pregnancy.

The negatives were obviously losing the baby early on in the pregnancy, and also possibly losing followers of my blog. I have debated starting another blog for my rainbow baby, however, I purposefully named my blog "Journey of Life and Love" because I knew I did not want it to be just a blog about Rosie. Obviously that is the reason I started online blogging, but this space is about my life. Plus I have felt Rosalynn present more in the past week than I have in a few months. She is all around me and Foster, and has been showing us signs left and right (I will post about these signs tomorrow!).

That being said, please realize this is not a cure for my grief. Getting pregnant again will NOT stop me from loving Rosalynn, it will not make me forget about her, and it will not stop me from pursuing the things I am doing in her name. If anything, these past few days have made me miss her even more. All I think about is how she would be a great big sister, and she should be here with us going through this with us. I have been an emotional basket case. Remember the definition of a "Rainbow Baby" The understanding that the beauty of a rainbow does not negate the ravages of the storm. When a rainbow appears, it doesn't mean the storm never happened, the family is not still dealing with the aftermath. What it means is that something beautiful and full of light has appeared in the midst of the darkness and clouds. Storm clouds may still hover, but the rainbow provides a counterbalance of color, energy, and hope."

So how far along are we.....EARLY. Tomorrow I will be 4 weeks. That's right, I am going against what most would do. Most women would be afraid of announcing this early. However, remember, I did not lose one in the first trimester, I lost Rosie in the THIRD!! So, my new motto is "No matter what happens tomorrow, I am pregnant today, and I am going to celebrate that, and thank God every morning I wake up still pregnant." I am going to let this little pumpkin get all the love he/she deserves regardless of the amount of time he/she is in my womb.

Thank you all for you continued prayers and support. First u/s scheduled for March 31!!