No Truer Words Were Said

“Do not judge bereaved parents. They come in many forms. They are breathing, but they are dying. They may look young, but inside they have become ancient. They smile, but their hearts sob. They walk, they talk, they cook, they clean, they work, they ARE, but they ARE NOT all at once. They are here, but part of their heart is elsewhere for all eternity. “ -Unknown

I came across this quote, and could not have said it better myself.

No matter how much fun I am "having" I constantly feel an emptiness inside of me. Unless I am talking to or around other Baby loss moms or Foster, I never feel like the people I am with fully understand the pain I am CONSTANTLY feeling. A perfect example of this is in Chicago this past weekend. I was at a tailgate party in a bar for my favorite football team, OSU, with two of my favorite people on earth, Bug and JJ. Yet it was not the same. It was not the same as last year when I sat drinking water instead of beer because I was pregnant, enjoying the games with my friends. This time I felt a loneliness even though the entire bar was full of people. I felt self conscience, and even a little bit anxious when strangers got into my personal space. I smiled on the outside, but I was out of place and not happy, inside I was screaming.

I am coming up on my 29th birthday and our one year anniversary. However, I feel like I have lived a lifetime and should be celebrating my 80th. I feel like Foster and I have been married for ages and should be celebrating our 50th. We have gone through so much in our first year of marriage, and it has made us stronger, but it has aged us. You will no longer find us seeking out nights at the bars with friends, or crowded parties like other 29 and 30 year olds. Instead, we enjoy small groups and intimate nights with just the two of us.

I cook, I clean, but not with as much passion as before. I work, but as a shell of my former self. I walk, and everyone knows that I talk...ALOT....but most of the talking is out of anxiousness now a days. Before you could not get me to shut up because I loved talking about life in general. Now I talk to avoid the awkward silences and to make people think I am okay. Honestly, I also talk to keep off of the subject I want to talk about the most. I want to talk about my daughter. About how much I miss her, how beautiful she was/is, about how ticked off I am that it is getting closer to winter and her headstone is STILL not in. I want to talk about her so my biggest fear does not come true, that I will start to forget her. People don't always want to hear about this stuff. I feel so bad for my family and husband. They get an ear full because they are the only ones I feel comfortable talking about her to, and I feel that there are times they may not want to hear about her.

A part of my heart is gone. It resides up in heaven with my precious angel, and I will only get it back when I join her. Other children may come into my life, but I will always miss my first born. I will always be very aware of her absence no matter what the occasion.

Rosalynn....."until we meet again, may God hold you in the palm of his hands."