Nuts! I was nuts once......

...They put me in a home. I died there. They buried me. The worms drove me nuts. Nuts! I was nuts once. They put me in a home. I died there. They buried me. the worms drove me nuts. Nuts! I......

have been debating within myself lately. My mind is consumed with two primary thoughts consistently throughout the day. Of course you know what the first thoughts are: Memories and the lost future with Rosalynn. The second obsession has been my need and want to conceive another child. I have tried getting involved in activities to take my mind off of this, because you constantly hear "as soon as you stop thinking about it, it will happen." Telling someone who is trying to conceive a child to "stop thinking about it" is like telling a human to stop breathing. It is all consuming and impossible to achieve.

November was month number five in our journey, and alas, was an epic fail, despite our valiant efforts. Not only did the ugly visitor show 3 days early, but it also came the day Rosalynn's stone made it to her resting place (I will be posting photos in the next post). The pressure I put on myself has turned into this cyclical pattern. I will give you an example:

The first two weeks after my monthly friend, I become active, doing my little work out videos, jogging, etc. As soon as the time I think I could have conceived approaches, I stop for fear of causing stress to my body, thus causing an early miscarriage. I avoid making dentist appointments, hair coloring appointment, etc, for the same reasoning. When that ugly "Aunt" shows her face at the end of my cycle, this whole process starts over again. It is maddening, and is putting my whole life on hold.

So, the only cure I have for this repetitive cycle is to go back on birth control for a few months and focus on getting my life under MY control again, and essentially TRULY getting my mind off of this whole trying to conceive business. Now, for those of you fellow Catholics out there, this is NOT to prevent myself from getting pregnant, it is more to help myself from slowly going insane. I figure If I can just give myself 2-3 months of focusing on other things, I MAY actually find some sense of normalcy again. I can pay more attention to other things. I can invest more time thinking about more productive endeavors. I can work out ALL month without fear of hurting a non-existent baby, I can make appointments and keep them with care providers, etc.

There may be some other benefits that arise with this decision. For one, it may be just what my body needs to get my hormones regulated and back on track. Who knows, I MAY just be one of those women who then get pregnant the first month off birth control.

However, I am VERY aware of the detriments it can cause. Hope is what keeps me going now a days. Every month the HOPE is there that "this could be the month". If that hope is taken away, whether it be by my own doing or some uncontrollable source,  will this open me up to go into a deeper depressive state? If I don't get pregnant quickly after coming off of the pill, will I wonder everyday if I missed out on two or three good months of "trying" that could have worked? And my biggest question is, I am now officially coming up on an OBGYN yearly visit in January. If I am not pregnant by that point, my doctor has agreed to run blood tests to see if all of my levels are normal: thyroid, estrogen, progesterone, etc. IF I start BC by my own choice, and then I come off of it, will I have to wait a whole six months or more before they will check these levels next time? If it looks like we need a fertility specialist, will they take that as a break in the one year rule, and refuse to see us?

This is how my mind works! I am telling you, it is maddening! It is frustrating, because no matter how busy I am, how much I get involved in, how much fun I am having with friends and family, my mind is constantly reeling with worry and questions, concerns, praying, pleading, anxiety. This is the only solution I have come up with. I fully intend to call my doctor, and God willing she decides to work the day before Thanksgiving, because I want to mention my idea and see what their thoughts are on the matter. I would rather start sooner than wait until after January. I will start the first day of my next cycle if they agree, and oh yeah, if Foster is okay with the idea too. I am sure he will support me no matter what I choose to do, because his sanity is directly impacted by my sanity.

Has anyone else taken this route? If so, what has been your experience? Advice would be very much appreciated!