No More Fear

With being a baby loss mommy, there are a lot of new fears that come with it. You are so much more aware of the how precious each moment and each day is, and you start to worry about losing other loved ones. However, I think the most universal fear amongst the Baby loss community is the outcome of the next pregnancy. For those of you who are unfamiliar with the baby loss lingo, the baby following a loss is considered the "rainbow baby". A rainbow baby is the understanding that the beauty of the rainbow does not make you forget about the storm that preceded it. It does not mean the storm never happened, or that you are not still dealing with the aftermath.It means that something beautiful and full of life has appeared in the midst of the darkness, and it provides a balance of energy and hope. However, there are always mixed emotions of excitement and fear when you become pregnant with your rainbow baby, at least I can imagine, because I have not had the opportunity to witness it first hand yet.

I had the the opportunity to sit and talk to my aunt this weekend while I stayed with her for the wedding, and in our conversation the fear of a subsequent pregnancy was raised. I told her that I was slightly relieved when we were not pregnant again this month because I was not entirely sure if I was ready for the anxiety that would accompany it.

After the wedding yesterday, I made my way an hour drive to meet up with Foster. He was taking part in some training for the Army, and instead of heading home and spending the next few nights alone, I went to spend the rest of the weekend with him. One of the things that Foster and I look forward to every week is going to church together. We both agree that we feel so close to each other and close to Rosie when we are singing and praying in the Lord's house. I have mentioned before that it usually happens that the sermons seem to correlate to what is going on in my life at that moment. Well, today was not an exception.

The message today was about fear. Why do we fear, how do we stop ourselves from just trusting and not fearing? It is human for us to fear rejection, fear failure, fear the past repeating itself. So how do we overcome this and just trust that the Lord knows what he is doing and that in reality, we cannot control everything. Sure, we can control the temperature in our house, and control our weight, etc, but no matter how hard we try, there are times we have to just give our fear, hopes and dreams over to God. I don' t know how we can stop this fear. However, what I heard today in church will definitely stick with me through the next pregnancy, and whenever I feel fear creeping into my heart.

Father Tom at St. Dominick's said (not word for word) That when Moses was afraid of the burning bush, and asked who he should tell the Israelites who God was, God responded "I am Who Am".

He does not want us to live in fear of the past and dwell on the things that we have done, because he is not "I am Who was."
He does not want us to fear for the future. We should not dwell on the what if's and fear what could happen, because he is not "I am Who will be."
However, we should live in the moment, strive to be the best person we can be, and trust in the Lord, because in the end, the kingdom of the God is ours.

I really started to reflect and think about how powerful this is. I cannot control how another pregnancy will pan out. We can do everything in our power here on earth to prevent the same thing from happening, but there have been instances of women losing their baby while they were in the hospital. So, I had this incredible revelation. I AM ready. I am officially ready for when God decides to bless us with another life. Instead of fearing every moment, and having anxiety, I am going to enjoy every moment I have with my next child. If those moments are only meant for the womb, then I will be grateful for those, but I will trust in the Lord and hope for a healthy child.

"Trust in the Lord with all your heart, and do not lean on your own understanding. In all your ways acknowledge him, and he will make straight your paths. Be not wise in your own eyes; fear the Lord, and turn away from evil."
Proverbs 3: 5-7

I will have a treat in a couple of days for all of you. Foster has been hit pretty hard this past week. I do not know if he tried to suppress his feelings for too long, but he has had some inspiration and wants to submit an entry to my blog world. He wants me to edit his grammar and change the names, but soon you will see how he has been dealing with the loss of our daughter. It is really heartfelt, and I was really touched that he wrote his thoughts on feelings down. For those of you who do not know Foster, and for those of you who do, this will be a special treat, because he is not open with his feelings. He has his reasons, which he will explain to you in his blog.