From the Father's Heart (Part 1)

This is the first time I have posted on a blog. You all have enjoyed my wife’s blog for about three months now. You know what she has gone through with the loss of our daughter but you do not know what I went through that pivotal day and since then. I am doing this for Erin, my wife the woman I love, so she can understand what I have gone through in the last four months. This is for the mothers who have lost a child and do not know what the father is going through and may feel left behind, or feel that your husbands are “over it”; and this is for the fathers who need to know they are not alone on this; you do not have to suffer by yourself or just with your wife. This is for the family members who are wondering “what is wrong with him.”

Erin did not suggest I write this, I decided to start writing this today when I was watching the movie Marley and Me at the part where they found out they had a miscarriage. Since Rosie’s passing I have had bad days and I have had good days and the bad days slowly went away until this week. I had three bad days where I could not get her out of my mind, but I did not talk to Erin about it because I thought I could just shrug it off. In fact she will only find out about it when she proof reads this for me to be posted on her blog.

I am not as descriptive of a writer as Erin, I am a chemist so I am used to writing about facts, why these facts are true and what these facts mean. I am a Soldier in the US Army, an American and a Christian, a father, a brother, a son and a husband. If you are a regular reader of my wife’s blog you know what I do, how Erin and I met, some other things I would rather a complete stranger not know about me, and finally, that I lost my daughter on April 20, 2010. To make it simple this is who and what I am. I am a Christian, a Soldier, a husband, a father and an American all of which I am willing to fight for.

I proposed to Erin on Sept. 11, 2009, the date did not play into my decision it was just the best night I could do it. I planned on proposing the week before at her Grandparents wedding anniversary, at a light house on Lake Erie. Unfortunately, she was working, and unable to go to the reunion. My first contingency plan was Sept. 11^th, and if I did not get the opportunity, then I was going to do it the next weekend on vacation in West Virginia. Luckily I got the opportunity and she said YES. Two weeks later we found out we were pregnant and then two and a half months later we were husband and wife. Five months later our world came crashing down in ten words; “I am sorry we can not find a heart beat.”

The day we lost Rosie, I just got back from being a way from home for the last seven days and six nights. I got home from work a little early and mowed the yard; Erin was not feeling well that morning so she slept while I was at work. Even though she did not feel well she was still thoughtful enough to make some dinner for me. At dinner she started to complain she has not felt the baby kick in quite some time and she wanted to go to Mrs. Prince’s house to use her fetal heart monitor. I said just give it a little more time, I was sure she was just over reacting. I have already been away for the last seven days and did not want to be out late that night as well. At 8:45 she said she still did not feel the baby kick and wanted to go to the Prince’s. She said I could stay home and she would be back in an half an hour, I said no I will go with you. When we got there Mr. Prince and I hung out in the kitchen and had a beer while the girls went upstairs to use the fetal heart monitor. They found Mrs. Prince’s baby’s heart beat just fine but on Erin there was nothing. I figured they did not know how to use the thing properly but we better go to the doctor to put Erin’s mind at ease.

As we were driving we were joking that we might be taking a baby home in a couple of days, trying to keep a positive attitude. As we were traveling the highway, something told me that she was gone, I shrugged it off because I really don’t believe in a sixth sense. If Rosie would have been ok then that thought would have just been me being pessimistic.

As we got to the hospital we checked in and got taken back to the triage room fairly quickly. Erin Climbed up on the table and the nurses began to place the monitors on her belly. The heart rate was reading 120 but they could not find the baby’s so they called in the doctors to run an ultrasound. At this time a large tear ran down my cheek, I got chills and I knew my baby was gone. The Doctor did the ultra sound. Still nothing and finally they called in the head doctor. Nothing, then those words that still sting today, “I am sorry we can not find a heart beat. Erin was already sobbing and then lost it. All I could do is hold her and cry with her. I felt so helpless there is nothing I could fix.