Busy, Busy and My Official Pregnancy Buddy!!!!

I apologize for keeping under the radar for the past couple weeks. I have been soooooo incredibly busy. As you know, our kitchen is being redone, I started a photography class that has kept me REALLY busy, and I had my first OB appt.

I have been trying to keep my fears down to a minimal, but sometimes they creep up on me. I have gotten mad at Foster a few times for asking me to do what seems like simple things, but in my overprotective, crazy head, I think will somehow "hurt the baby". Just one instance is cleaning our new glass top stove. The back of the special cleaning solution mentioned bleach, and I freaked. I could have handled myself a little better; I blame my reaction on the hormones. Poor Foster, he is in for a tough 7 more months!

On a happy note, I officially found out who my pregnancy buddy in my local, "real life", is going to be!!! My best friend in high school, bridesmaid in my wedding, and I was her matron of honor. I wrote about her wedding here. Anne and Tony are PREGNANT!!!!! She was originally going to keep it a secret, but after telling her my reasoning for revealing my news to every one early, she followed my lead and did the same. Please, Please, PLEASE, keep her and her new little addition in your prayers. This is her third child, her youngest being 9 years old! She is terrified, but this is a much wanted child. I just pray in the end we both have our bundles of joy to grow up and be great friends like we have been since 5th grade!

A Letter to My 17 Year Old Self

I was driving in my car listening to the radio when Brad Paisleys "Letters to Me" came on. For those of you who don't listen to country, it is a song about a guy who talks about what he would write in a letter if he could send it to his 17 year old self. It got me wondering what I would do if I had the same opportunity. So, here is my letter to myself:

Dear 17 year old Erin,

I wish I could warn you about all the bad things that are going to happen in your life so that you may avoid the hurt and disappointment, but I am not going to. You see, every mistake you made and every pain you feel from here on out will turn you into a happy, faith-filled, loving woman.

First and foremost: LISTEN TO YOU MOTHER!! She is actually really smart. She is going to warn you NOT to get credit cards when yo turn 18. LISTEN TO HER! The ONLY exception to this is when she suggests you give a certain guy your number. Give it to his friend thirty minutes later. I PROMISE, it all works out the way it should.

When it comes to men, you will date some doozies! I mentioned that I wouldn't tell you what to specifically avoid, so I want you to date all of them. Why? Because when you do meet your future husband, you are going to appreciate him so much more than you would if you met him without dating all the jerks. With that being said, you can learn your lesson from the chef after the first year. Don't keep going back to him, seven + times!!! The four years you stay will just be constant disappointment and a repeat of the first devastating year. This is the situation you should heed the phrase "Fool me once, shame on you; fool me twice shame on me!"

You do things your own way. You are going to take 11 years to get your bachelors.  You will join the military. You are going to get yourself in debt (unless you follow my first lesson). But you WILL finish, you WILL enjoy it, and you WILL pull yourself out. The one thing I must say, is that you have been pretty persistent, and you try to keep a smile on your face the entire time you do it.

Remember JJ? How about your sister Bug? I know you and JJ have been friends for years, but you only see her 1-2 times a year. Well, you will end up living together, and becoming inseparable. Your sister and you fight like cats and dogs right now, but once she hits college, you and JJ and Bug will become three peas in a pod. Where one goes, the other two follow, and between the three of you and your guys, you will create your own little family unit. It is the most amazing feeling! Sure, they will infuriate you at times, but they will be there for you at your darkest moments.

You will be a mother. Your first born will change your life in ways you could never imagine, and take you in directions you would never have gone without her. Trust me. It will be a life changing experience.

Friends will come and go. Just like Carl Jung says, "The meeting of two personalities is like the contact of two chemical substances: if there is any reaction, both are transformed." People come into your life for a reason, if only for a few moments; but people grow up, they move on. Those that are worth anything will be there for you when you need them most. You find this lesson out after a tragedy. People came out of the woodwork, and some girls you have not spoken to since high school become your biggest resources and supporters. Plus, you don't always need to meet people in person to become great friends. This same tragedy causes you to meet some amazing women on the internet, and a lot of them have become some of your closest friends.

Please, amongst all things, stay true to yourself. Stay close to God. By the time you are 29 you will feel like you have lived three separate lifetimes, but will be a better person because of them. Just keep that smile on your face, continue your positive attitude,  treat people the way you should, and you will be just fine.

See you soon!
29 year old Erin

If you could write a letter to your former 17 year old self, what would you say? What advice would you give?

A Secret Society

Ten months ago today I unknowingly joined a secret society, an elite group of strong, amazing people. They have the biggest hearts, the most caring natures, and they didn't know they were in the club until their fateful day. You don't need money to join the club. In fact, this club doesn't care if you are rich or poor. You don't need connections, to "know the right people". Honestly, the current members of the club hate it when a new member joins, not because we don't like them or think we are too good for new members, but because we know too well the pain the new member had to endure to join our group. The only criteria to enter is the loss of a child. Unfortunately, no matter how hard a non-member tries, they can never come close to imagining the pain that all of us have gone through.
When I joined the Baby Loss Club, I was so inspired by how these parents had survived, because I know at one point I felt that all I wanted to do was crawl into a hole and die. I wanted nothing more than to meet my baby girl, my beautiful Rosalynn, to hold her and kiss her and play with her, all the things that moms of living children get to do. However, my broken heart was slowly being pieced back together. Each one of the women I have met, each heart wrenching story I have listened to and shared, helped glue a piece of my heart back together. I am not alone in this. My heart will not ever completely heal and there will always be a piece waiting for me up in heaven, but my fellow baby loss mothers have helped guide me through this journey.
Please do not get me wrong, friends and family have been a HUGE part of my journey, an immense support system. However, there have been times that I have felt all alone in this journey. Not for lack of people reaching out to me, but because I could not imagine anyone knowing how I feel. This is where my BLMs have come in. Just like any journey one takes, wether it be the loss of a parent, infertility, adoption, cancer, you feel less alone when you find that secret club, that group of people that know exactly what you are feeling and thinking, because they are thinking and feeling the same thing. They are on the same journey as you are.
If I don't say it enough girls, I love you so much and thank you. Your spirits are so uplifting. You have helped me through some of the darkest times, and lifted me up when I have fallen. Some of you I am blessed to have met in person, some I have spoken to on the phone, but the majority of you I have only known through the internet, and yet you have all become some of my closest friends. I hate what we all had to go through this, but I love that we have all found each other. If I never get to meet some of you in person, I look forward to the day we will all get to meet in heaven (lets hope this is a LONG time from now) where all of our angels play together now.

Rosalynn,
Baby girl, your birthday is quickly approaching, and not a day goes by that mommy does not miss you. I hope you are having fun with all of you angel friends. I hope they throw a HUGE birthday party for you up there in heaven, because we will be throwing you one here on earth. You have changed me Rosie. you have transformed your mommy in ways I never thought possible. Thank you for being a part of my life, and allowing me to be your mom.
Butterfly kisses and hugs!
Mommy

God Answers Prayers in AMAZING Ways!

I mentioned that I had 2 big events other than graduation to look forward to. The first is the military ball, and the next is the Women of Faith Conference here in my town! I am ecstatic. I received an email from my great friend and fellow blogger/baby loss mom, Holly (I have blogged about her here , here and here). She told me that her and the women from Sufficient Grace Ministries were going to be coming for the conference and they wanted to invite me along. I was quick to say I would go, even before I knew about the extra kicker. One of the main speakers at the conference is someone who unknowingly helped guide me through my grief like a beacon on a lighthouse. She is the wife of one of the band members of Selah, a Christian band, the author of "I will Carry You", and she blogs over at "Bring on the Rain". 

If you are a new follower since June, I wrote about how the song "I will Carry You" has moved me to tears many times here. It plays on my music list on the bottom of my blog (in case you want to listen to it). when I found out that Angie Smith would be at the conference, I didn't care about the price, I didn't care if I had to go by myself, I was going to be there. Well, Holly informed me that not only do I get to listen to her speak, but Angie has agreed to meet with the women from the Sufficient Grace group after the conference! Can you say crazy fan right here?!?!?!?! I honestly feel that God has answered one of my prayers. I wrote Angie an email months ago from her blog. I knew I wouldn't get a response because she has THOUSANDS of followers, and probably receives thousands of email a week, but I can't deny I was a little disappointed. I poured my heart out to her, expressing how her book helped me stay out of the dark place Baby Loss Moms can be so easily pulled into.  Her strength to carry her baby diagnosed with anacephaly and stay strong in the Lord prevented me from turning my back on God when I wanted to.

I feel like this is God's way of having her "reply" to my email! I get to meet her! I get to shake her hand, and possibly even get a hug....tears are welling in my eyes as I am writing this! I am sure there will be plenty of tears when this meeting takes place also. To top it off, this is all taking place in April. As you all know, April is going to be a rough month. However, I feel like Rosie is really trying to make it easier on me. The article in Military Spouse magazine will be published in the April edition, AND this conference will be in April. We are still not entirely sure what we will be doing for Rosalynn's angleversary, but I know I want to throw a little birthday party for close friends and family, probably over Easter weekend. A balloon release is probably in order, and a cake, but I am not sure what else I should do. To my fellow BLMs: What did you do special on your baby's day? I would LOVE some suggestions!

The Kindness of Others

The Christmas season brings out a lot of different emotions and mindsets in people. Some get greedy, and all they can focus on is what they want under the tree. Some feel guilty because they cannot afford to buy the kinds of presents they want for their family members. Others, including myself and other baby loss parents are just praying they get through the holidays without more heartbreak and pain. However, it is those that exhibit the true meaning of Christmas that warm my heart and give me hope for the new year.

I have officially received my first donations to Roses from Rosalynn. I have mentioned before the wonderful people I work with, and how much I enjoy my job because of them. I also mentioned how one of the nurses commended me on how I have turned my loss into something worthy of praise and respect. This strong minded, funny and beautiful woman donated a bag full of goodies to my project, my ministry. She handed me a bag with an array of different items. There were adorable onesies, hats, and socks. She included lotions and powders that I am sure it did not go unnoticed by her that the brand name of the bathing supplies is "Angel of Mine". I was ecstatic as I peered into the bag and thought of the smiles the parents would have when they too realized what they would be giving their first bath with. This generous woman is quiet compared to a lot of the women I work with, she has had her own struggles in life, and has become and amazingly strong woman because of them. This is just another example of how when she does do or say something, there is substance behind it, and this simple act of kindness warmed me to the core.

Today I was handed a envelope by another angel in scrubs. This particular nurse has been an inspiration to me since the day I joined the ER team. Her and one other young nurse were two of the most compassionate, loving, Christian-like women I have ever known. The second nurse joined mission work and has been traveling for the past 2 years, however, the first stayed behind and has brightened our sometimes dark, stressful workplace. Her smile and laugh is contagious and she never has an ill word to say about anyone, including some of the shady people that come through our doors. Her faith in God inspired me, and for 3 years I have enjoyed listening and talking to her about Christ and scripture, friendship and love.

When I read the outside of the envelope that she handed me, it said that I inspired HER! I uttered an ironic laugh in my head, because if she only knew..... (well, she knows now if she or someone at work figures out who I am talking about). In a time of year where people are scraping together money for gifts for their loved ones, and still trying to pay bills, her and her husband wanted to make a donation to my ministry. To say I was appreciative was an understatement. Had she handed me the envelope in a more private place, there would have been tears, but I have learned how to hide them and unfortunately all she got was the generic "Thank You", a hug, and a smile, because if she could see how I was truly feeling on the inside, I was bursting, and the thank you would probably have been a lot more emotional. However, she was close to tears herself, so maybe it was good I held back in front of everyone.

The Kindness of others is what has made me feel completely full filled this season. I could go to Christmas with my family this year, and if there isn't a single present under that tree for me, I will still be satisfied, because what these women have done. I am so happy that with these items and money, I will be able to contribute more to families who are suffering in their hearts and whose world has been flipped upside down this Christmas Season.

Thank You Thank You Thank You ladies, from the bottom of my heart!!!

(Oh, and Mom, don't think I have forgotten your donations, that is a whole separate post! I promise:-)

More Amazing Family Photos

As I try to build my portfolio, I have been offering free sessions and all rights to photos to a few family friends. One family that I have always enjoyed spending time with is the "Clone" family (when you see the pictures, you will see why I call the the "Clone family", all three of their boys look like clones of each other! It was easier to have older kids, because they tend to listen a little better than babies and toddlers, but they come with some challenges of their own also. One of the kids was not happy about it being so cold out. Mrs. Clone really wanted outdoor pictures for their Christmas pictures, so I brought them to the local conservatory. It is filled with different benches, bridges, and backdrops for some beautiful photos. However, it was a weeeee bit cool, only around 31 degrees outside. The other two boys were taking it in stride, running around to get warmed up. A few of the photos they all decided to get REAL close to use body heat for warmth. I will have to use this technique for families who don't want to get too close to each other!

Mr. and Mrs. Clone have been married for 13+ years, and they act and seem as in love as they were in the beginning. They really inspire me, and I pray that Foster and I are like that 13+ years from now!!  You can tell how much they love each other in a few of the pictures. He looks at her as if there is no other woman on the planet worth looking at. I LOVE it!

So, who's family is next? I am hoping someone I know has a newborn soon, I just purchased an antique baby scale with a white wicker basket on top, and am currently in the process of comparing 2 antique baby buggies for future shoots:

I was so thrilled that they all wore blue, because it made for some great contrasts with the backdrops. Here are just a few from their shoot:

The True Meaning Of Christmas

"Some people have a defining moment in their lives that they embrace and make the most of. I just wanted to tell you how proud I am of you and all you are doing."

"At such an early age, you have found the true meaning of Christmas."

These are a few of the comments some of my amazing coworkers have said to me in the past few days. What stemmed these comments? I officially have gotten Roses from Rosalynn with Project Sweet Pea up and running. My family and friends are rallying together to support me and the other families that may be suffering a terrible loss this Christmas season.

My family and friends have asked me numerous times in the past few weeks what I want for Christmas. My reply, "I have everything I could ever want or need. I have a loving husband, supportive friends and family, a roof over my head, and food on my table. As long as everyone I know and love is happy and healthy, I am happy. The only thing I ask, is if you want to give me a present, donate to Roses From Rosalynn. The only thing I want is to be able to make another family happy."

My best friend and I went to the SS office to get our names officially changed in the eyes of the state. As we were making our way to the office, she was so excited to tell me something. She had been asking a lot of questions and seemed really interested in my project. Today I found out why. JJ wanted to make it a surprise, but needs some forms from me. She is a buyer for a major nationwide store that originated here. They offer a grant program for their employees for non-profit projects. It can range from $100-$10,000 grants. She wants to put Roses From Rosalynn in for a grant. She wanted to surprise me for Christmas, but needed more information. This melted my heart!! She also wants to take an active role in the project. She is going to be my "Treasure" per say. She is great with budgeting, and is great with spread sheets, so she is going to help me keep track of all of the item donations and monetary donations since I Have to hand in a quarterly report. This is going to be sooooooo helpful, I can't thank her enough. Even if the company turns us down this year, we can continue to apply each year. Pray that we receive some, because even a hundred dollars would be a blessing.

Then there is my mother. She is a school teacher, and decided instead of receiving mugs and gift cards from her students this year, she asked that they donate instead. The whole school, all the teachers, have rallied together to have the children write little books to put in the bags, and ask the patrons of the church to donate this holiday season.

If you remember my friend Amy from the 31 purse party, she has extended her help in my mission. She wants to throw a party that part of her profit will go towards my project. It may be a few months before I can arrange something, but I do plan on taking her up on the offer. I will let everyone know when and where the party will occur when we set a date.

It is amazing to me that when you are passionate about something, how family, friends, and complete strangers take an interest in it too! This holiday season has just started, and so far I have felt more fulfilled and more love than in the past 28 years of my life. Call it my "calling", call it my "passion", call it what you will, but giving to these families in a time of need is the closest I will get to giving to my daughter this Christmas, and that makes me feel comforted and happy. As some of you will be watching your children open gifts on Christmas morning, I will be fondly thinking of my daughter and thanking her for opening my eyes to the true meaning of Christmas.

Thank you all for your continued support. If you are interested in what Roses from Rosalynn is about, or for my fellow BLMs, if you want to learn more about how to start your own project through Project Sweet Peas, please, do not hesitate to message or email me, I will give you more info.

A Beautiful Family!!

I have some more exciting news. It seems that I will get the opportunity to take more family pictures Thanksgiving weekend. Foster has a HUGE paper due, and he has decided to use Friday after Thanksgiving to take care of the bulk of it. I was talking to my friend Holly from Hass Family Blessings, and after seeing my photos of the baby last week, she asked if I would be able to take pictures of her and her family for their Christmas cards. I was worried, because I wasn't sure if I would get the time with finals approaching, but it seems we worked out a time.

On the 8th I posted a HUGE blog post that updated you on all things military and had tons of pictures from drill that weekend, but I neglected to mention one great event that happened that Sunday evening. Foster and I were able to meet up with the Hass' for a steak dinner.

Foster was a little nervous. He was a little weirded out by all of my online friendships, but our meeting with Olivia's parents went so well, that he was game for meeting another family. If you remember from this post, I had met with Holly once before, and she is one of the sweetest, kindest people you could ever talk to. I was fresh in my grief, she came waddling in 30 weeks pregnant toting a 2 year old in a stroller. However, when the subject turned to Carleigh and Rosie, there was so much love and understanding in her eyes. She understood what I was going through, and was the first real life BLM I had gotten to meet. This time, however, the husbands would be present. We had great conversation, Holly and Foster talked about radiation exposure...don't ask....we chatted it up with Anthony and Kyndra had some very sweet moments and then of course some toddler moments. We got one the subject of funerals, and I paused for a moment, because I realized it was not the conversation that A.) couples our age should EVER have to talk about, and B) a conversation I would feel completely uncomfortable having with any of our non-BLM friends. However, it was almost natural, and no one seemed too upset by it, except maybe the surrounding tables.. We were discussing the option of buying plots near our daughter, and Holly and Anthony informed us they already had. So Foster and I are not completely crazy! Of course, only having my camera for a few short days, I HAD to drag it along with me to get pictures. Here are a couple of the members of the beautiful family I will get the honor of photographing next weekend:

 

 This is cutie Big Sister Kyndra

You can tell she is ornery:-)

 

This is Holly with her rainbow baby Lainey.

 And these pictures are why I cannot wait to give Foster our rainbow one day!

 So touching!

The lighting in the restaurant was not the best, but the pics still came out good. I don't know why I didn't get a pic of Anthony, but I will have plenty after next weekend! I look forward to seeing how the photos of her family turn out all together!!

As we were leaving dinner, Foster mentioned how he really enjoyed himself, and so did I. I am so glad she lives so close, because as nice as it is to have all of the support online, it is great to actually have friends in person that have been down the same road as us.

Veteran's Day and Baby Photos

Happy Veteran's Day! It has been an eventful day for Foster and I. I mentioned a few weeks ago that I was going to have the opportunity to photograph a baby for the first time. The family I did it for were more than willing to let me use their daughter as practice and in return, I am giving them free photos. that is right!! FREE!!!

The photo session was bitter sweet. I thoroughly enjoyed myself, but then realized that I should be taking Rosie's six month pictures and practicing with my own baby instead of with one of Foster's soldiers. Some of them came out beautifully! I am content with my first attempt at photography. I still have a lot to learn, but that is to be expected. I used all manual functions, no automatic. I have only done some basic white balance edits so far, and will do more in depth editing after I download photoshop. There is some photos I want to even out the baby's skin tone, because she has a little bit of baby acne/rash, and some advanced edits such as singling out the pink in the tutu and the red in the Ohio State pictures. I will post all of the finished pictures when I get them done, but until then, here are some of the pictures I have so far:

 She was starting to get really fussy (this is toward the end of the session,) but I love the mirror effect, and will try this again next time (hopefully she isn't so fussy)

 Sweet baby girl

 I love the contrast of the soft baby and the tattoo from dad

 sweet fall baby, sleeping in the woods:-)

 She was so content outside, she was so calm and sleepy in the park.

Had to represent the favorite football team:-)

I have a few naked photos of baby with ACUs, an American flag, and combat boots, but I have to crop a few of them before posting them on here (baby butt is for mom and dad only:-)

 All because two people fell in love

And of course I had to get a picture of the man I love in the park too!

Remember, ALL of these picture are mine and the family's. By the way, if anyone else is willing to let me borrow you, your family, or your kids for practice, I will gladly do the same favor for you as I did for them. Better jump on it now before I get good enough where I can charge. Yes, I am willing to do newborn and maternity photos.

I completely understand why professionals charge so much. It took us 3 hour, and out of about 300-400 photos, I only got about 50 usable ones. The baby would move, make faces, cry, wake up, pee, eat. All of the outfit changes take longer than expected because you want to be gentle so she wouldn't get upset and then cry for the next 10 minutes. Once we figured out she liked it outside, we moved all of the "scenes" out to the back patio so that she would be content. Thank the Lord it was 70 degrees out today. With all of the issues, I still had so much fun, and hope that they enjoy the end project!

Once the family took off, Foster, Reagan, Rowdy and I hopped into the car and headed to Hocking Hills. I took TONS of photographs there also, but those will have to wait to be posted, because I still have to sort through and pic the best of 250 pictures. 

We decided a hike in the hills would be healthy, quality family time on Veterans Day. We took a timed photo on a ledge by the caves, and accidentally left my Oakley sunglasses laying on the tree trunk I had propped the camera on. Foster and I had driven about ten minutes outside of the State Park when I realized my glasses were missing. Now, if they had been any other sunglasses, I would have forgotten about them and refused to turn back, but if you recall, I spoiled myself with these glasses, and spent WAY more money than I should have on them. I made Foster make a U turn, and he sprinted through the forest back to the scene of the crime. As I parked the car, I prayed that the glasses would still be there, and he would not find an empty tree stump. Foster was convinced that if any hiker came upon the sunglasses, that they would have picked them up. Luckily, they were right where I left them. If anyone had seen them, they were honest and left the glasses alone in the even the owners came back to claim them.

When we were safely back on the road, I received a text message from JJ. I had completely forgotten that her moms birthday was today. She claimed she tried to call me, but there is no phone reception in the hills, so I never got the call. I can imagine what a hard day this must have been for her. The holidays and special occasions are always the hardest. This was the first time she didn't get the chance to call and wish her mom a happy birthday. She wasn't able to give her a gift or take her out to dinner. Bug apparently met up with her and they enjoyed dinner together, but I'm sure it didn't come close to healing the pain she was feeling today. 

I still have so much to fill you in on, but it is going to have to wait till next time. I had my second therapy appointment, and Foster and I met up with Holly and her family. She is another BLM who is quickly turning into a friend.

Phots, Photos, and More Photos...oh, and an Update.

I mentioned that I had had my first lesson with my wedding photographer. It went well. He gave me a 2 hour run down of all the basic settings on the camera. He taught me about apertures and shutter speed and lighting with and without flash. I can now change the settings because I know what they mean! However, I am FAR from learning everything about this camera!

Foster had a ruby game to ref in Dayton again this past weekend. He informed me that we would be in a very nice park, and would give me the perfect opportunity to shoot some landscape. The great thing about landscape, is you can practice practice practice. The scene never changes, and the lighting changes so slowly, that you can take hundreds of pictures until you get the right one. You can also experiment with the different settings. So while he worked, I played. Here are a few of the unedited pictures I took: (Hint: if you want to see the pics without the opaque background, click on them, and they will pop up in a separate window) By the way each of these photos are mine, and I will be adding watermarks when I figure out my new photo shop. PLEASE do not steal them and pass them off as your own. Thank you!

 

I Love the tree! The colors were AMAZING!!! It was the only orange tree surrounded by green and dead trees.  This is what happened when I adjusted the ISO setting....kind of cool! Seems a little over exposed, but I thought it was fun to see the differences with the settings.

My next picture was the very first one I took at the park. I LOVE it!!! it is such a pretty setting! The colors are so crisp:

Last, this picture was cool, because after taking it, I had the hardest time figuring out which side was up and which was down!!! yes, it was on purpose, but i didn't expect it to come out this nicely. You tell me which way is up:-)

Now, of COURSE, I took my camera with me to hang out with my friends Saturday night. Foster and Ky and Mr JJ got ahold of the camera and had a little too much fun! WOW! Foster's butt looks a little juicy in this photo!

 

And Welcome the new addition to the family! Mr.JJ is 7 months pregnant!!! 

 

Then we started trying to take a good photo for a Chirstmas Card this year. We probably should have coordinated outfits or something because we all look a little hodge-podge, but this is my little family, and I love each and every one of them!

Right before our little private party, Foster decided he couldn't wait a second longer to give me my other birthday gift even though it's not until the 17th of Nov. See the jersey in the picture? That was my new gift. Now, to most, it seems like a pretty generic gift for a Buckeye fan, but upon further examination, the back has MY last name on the back, and the 12 has significant meaning. Foster and I got married on 12/12/09 so hence the number 12. Honestly, Foster floors me sometimes. Once I think there is no way for him to be more thoughtful and creative, he outdoes himself yet again. Have I mentioned what a blessed girl I am and how much I love him? He amazes me, and I wake up every morning wondering what I did to deserve him and be loved so intensely in return.

Too often, when grief has overwhelmed us, we forget about the blessings we have. Sometimes I am too quick to ask what I did wrong in my life to be punished with the loss of a child, but then I look at my husband and wonder what I did so right to deserve him. That is when it occurs to me that I am not being punished, it is just life, and sometimes bad things happen to good people.

This was one of my discussions with my new therapist. I had my first session last night. From the moment I walked in the door, her warmth and smile made me feel at ease. She is around my age and she is a mother and a wife. When I walked into her office, I noticed a wall full of degrees and certificates. One of them was a trauma training, which upon further explanation, she said she trained for assistance with the military. She is not IN, but she took a class to train her on ways to assist in PTSD associated with trauma. My situation falls under a few different categories. There is the grief, and then there is the PTSD associated with it. Where certain triggers will set off anxiety when certain feelings and moods are brought to the surface. She said that there may be a way to use the techniques she was taught in order to prevent the anxiety, although the grief will have to be addressed in other ways. I felt so much better coming out of her office than I did the last lady. I made another appointment and I am excited to work with her and see where this goes. I will keep you updated. Until next time, here is one more photo of my adorable pup. Rowdy as a pumpkin:

A Pleasant Surprise!

I had a great little surprise visit this afternoon. It was pretty uneventful day for the most part. I arrived home around 630am and wasn't quite read to go to sleep. I had a mission. Netflix had delivered a much awaited group of DVDs, and I was bound and determined to watch them. I officially had Disc 3 and 4 of Dexter in my possession, and I was beyond excited to watch BOTH of them. I lay awake on the couch for almost 4 hours finishing season four. It left me hanging! I sat in front of the TV for a good 5 minutes wide eyed, mouth dropped, stunned by the ending. I don't think I can wait for season five to come out on DVD. What am I going to do?

I finally crawled into bed with my two furbabies at 11am. Foster had a PT test this morning, so I knew I could expect him home a little earlier than usual. Little did I know that it would be 1pm! He came into the room, kissed me, got the puppies, and went to work on his homework.

I groggily rolled out of bed two hours later, and decided to start planning dinner. What was on the menu for this evening? White Chicken Chili! My mom's recipe that is perfect for a chilly fall evening. I purposfully tripled the recipe, expecting to eat left overs for a few day, not expecting company. However, I hear the pups barking frantically in the backyard. As I opened the door to yell at them and call them in with Foster and I, I recognized  a familiar face, Foster Miller.

"Foster Miller" is an old friend I haven't seen in WAY too long! He and I were friends way before I ever met Foster (yes, they have the same first name). My group of friends and family members were constantly trying to convince me to date Foster Miller, and on one drunk occasion, they ALMOST had me convinced. However, he has always been my friend, and more of a brother than a boyfriend. When I started dating Foster, Foster Miller and he hit it off. They even had a nickname for their friendship "The double Fs". I could not be happier. Who would have thought my boyfriend and my best guy friend would have no jealousy issues, and would actually enjoy being around each other!?!?!? Soon, their friendship grew, and they were spending more time with each other than Foster Miller and I were. Foster Miller is a former Marine, so Foster had a fellow military man to bond with and tell "old war stories" to.

Three years later, Foster and Foster Miller enjoy spending time watching football at the VFW, eating wings and playing video poker at the local BW3s. Today Foster Miller was doing some business in our neighborhood, and decided to grace us with his presence. Lucky him! I had the chicken chili simmering on the stove, and Foster had a few Yuenglings chilling in the fridge. We all enjoyed a bowl of chili, Foster and Miller enjoyed a bottle of beer while I sipped on some wine. We caught up, enjoyed each other's company, and ate some great food (in my opinion). If I ever get the time and energy to tell you how I helped him meet his first wife, it is a pretty interesting story. I am pretty good at playing matchmaker, but unfortunately, this match didn't last long.

Although it was going to be a pretty laid back night with Foster and I, the addition of our good friend was a welcome surprise. If all goes as planned tomorrow, he will be hanging out with us like old times for the OSU football game. Wait till you see the present I received from Foster tonight for the rest of the football season! I will be sure to post photos and an explanation of the thought behind the present.

Cameras, Articles, and Parties Oh My!!

As I mentioned in my last post, ALOT has been going on!!! I am glad to say I officially have my new camera, a Cannon EOS 50D. It is amazing, and I am getting a lesson this evening from our wedding photographer!! I have already captured some amazing pictures. this one was taken while driving 65 miles per hour, my regular camera would have produced a blur!

This one is a rare picture of Reagan. She looks so thoughtful, and I love the way the sun is hitting her!

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Rowdy is a HAM for the camera. He gets sooooooo excited every time I take it out. He is always ready for his closeup!

In other news, I contacted Military Spouse Magazine to see if they would be interested in the article that will be in the National Guard Magazine. One of the writers contacted me, we started talking, and instead she wants to do a feature on me in the March issue. It is a spouse profile focusing on family. When she read about my loss, she said it would be perfect. I don't know if I completely agree that it is perfect for the "family" issue, but I am honored that she wants to interview me, and will be a great opportunity to raise awareness of pregnancy and infant loss, and plug "Roses from Rosalynn and Project Sweet Pea". As far as my article, I guess I need to submit it to the main editor.

This past weekend, I had the opportunity to hang out with an old friend and fellow military wife. I had not seen her in 12 years since we graduated from high school. I am ashamed to say that, because she is such an amazing, inspirational, and talented woman. We reconnected through facebook and through our blogs. She writes a fun blog entitled "Scrapping the Story and Feeding the Soul" (click on it and pay her a visit).   It is a creativity filled blog about food, scrap booking, and raising her two beautiful children all while supporting her Air Force husband. I am sad we have lost so much time, but am glad we are reconnecting. Foster was reffing a rugby game near her husband's base, and she just happened to have a 31 purse party scheduled for that afternoon, perfect timing!  I jumped at the chance to hang out with her, and meet more military wives. I had never heard of 31 handbags. The premise of this organization is based off of Proverbs 31:17-18 "She sets about her work vigorously; her arms are strong for her tasks. She sees that her trading is profitable, and her lamp does not go out at night." The company was started by a working mom who wanted to help provide for her family but not spend time away from them. Being a stay at home mom, Amy wanted to be able to help provide a little extra income for her family. She loves 31 Gifts because it is faith based, and Amy and her family are very strong in their faith.

When I got to her house, my nose was filled with the aromas of fresh baked goods and pumpkin lattes.

I watched and played with all of the goodies as she set them up on her mantel and table. Thirty-one has some beautiful baskets and liners, fun handbags, and even warm winter accesories like scarves and mittens. Of course I have a few pictures, but you can check out the whole catalog on Amy's Thirty-one Gifts page here or here.  She has been kind enough to offer a proceeds of her profit from a party to go towards my Roses from Rosalyn and Projects Sweet Peas. I will definitely take her up on the offer as soon as school slows down a bit, so I will be sure to let you all know when I will be hosting a party and hopefully makeing some amazing dishes like Amy did for her last party.