Pictures

So I mentioned all the necklaces I recieved for Christmas, but did not post a pic....

My beautiful Lady of Guadalupe necklace from JJ

angel wings from my aunt!

These were in one of the Small boxes from Foster....the other box held the matching necklace!! BEAUTIFUL!!

And the pics of all the donations to Roses From Rosalynn!! Thank you all!!

Project Sweet Pea's Logo

A shelf FULL of donated items ready to go into the bags!!

Outfits for the little ones!

Memory boxes...note the ones on the left...see a theme:-)

Embroidered by my wonderful Aunt Georgia Peach

Boxes of matching sets donated by Back in His Arms Again!

A Very Blessed Christmas

Well, as blessed as it could be without Rosalynn. Last week, we went and spent time with Foster's side of the family. We had a lot of fun with the kids and there were lots of presents to go around. We decided to head up on the 22nd because I had to work on Christmas Eve and Christmas day and we wanted to get some real quality time with his family. Unfortunately, living 2 hours away, we get very little quality time with them.

The first evening we just hung out and socialized. Foster brought hommade venison chili that was killer! I was afraid I wouldn't like it, but it was delicious. He made it just a little too spicy, but a little bit of sour cream and saltine crackers helped cut the heat a little bit. We spent time with his sisters for a few hours and caught up on life in general.

 

The second day we took the kids to Chuck-E-Cheese. I forgot how much fun that place could be. I even had fun as  29 year old! Foster and I worked hard to get the kids extra tickets by playing numerous games of skiball and football.

Foster decided he had to go get a quick bite to eat and disappeared for an hour. I was starting to get worried, and then on accident, I move the pillow from the back seat and found three wrapped gifts. Foster had said he wasn't getting me anything for my birthday or Christmas because he had purchased my camera for me, but he must have changed his mind. He was trying to hide them from me, but didn't do a very good job.

That night we had dinner at a local restaurant and then headed to Foster's older sister's place to open gifts. I was thrilled when I received a gift card to Wal-Mart for items for Roses from Rosalynn, and a new pandora bead. My niece spent her own money and picked out beautiful wine glasses for Foster and I. I hope she doesn't think we are alcoholics or something. Of course I had to get some pictures of my nieces and nephew, and they seemed to LOVE all of their gifts!

This niece, we will call her "Guinn" LOVE penguins more than life itself!!! 

She wanted one thing: a nutcracker!

Niece, "Queen", LOVES Barbie just like her Aunt Erin, so I got her one!

I love how Guinn is reading about a sheltie while 2 shelties play behind her in this pic!!

After work on the 26th, Foster and I headed to my parents house. When I got there, Bug, Ky, JJ and Mr. JJ were already there. Papa JJ was there also. As soon as I walked in the door Papa JJ handed me my gift. It was a $5 scratch off ticket. I was really excited, because although I don't buy them for myself, I still love scratching them off. I started scratching, and we got excited cause it said I won $5. Well, the more I scratched, the more I won....$50 total!!!! Can you believe it? Foster won $10, so I figured that $60 is what I will use for the poker game I am playing in on New Year's Day. I am already on a lucky streak, hopefully it holds up.

My mother is a saint! I swear to you! She is a Catholic school teacher, gets paid way too little and is under appreciated. She loves her little second graders, and they love her too. Along with her own contributions to Roses from Rosalynn, she did something amazing this Christmas season. Most teachers are used to getting gift cards and mugs and ornaments from their children every year. This year she sent out a letter to all of her parents asking that instead of these gifts, that they donate items to my project. Their giving spirit was shown in the massive box of items. Receiving blankets, hand sanitizer, gift cards, teddy bears, checks, hand and feet imprint molds, the list goes on and on. My mother included some beautiful outfits with embroidered roses that she picked out from Macy's. She was so excited to show me all the goodies. I feel like Rosie's grandma got to Christmas shop for her and do grandmotherly things. I feel like this is something that has been both healing to my mother's heart, and to mine as well. I feel like every gift I received from friends, family, and strangers alike were gifts to my Rosie.

The next best gift I got this Christmas was my Lady of Guadelupe necklace and angel wing necklace from JJ and my aunt. I opened my gift from JJ and I could not believe my eyes! It was exactly what I had been looking for in DC, a beautiful OLofG necklace. I had seen one in Macy's and had offhandedly mentioned it to JJ. When I opened it, I figured Foster had something to do with it, but it turns out JJ is just very observant and had realized how much I had admired the necklace over a month ago. I love her so much, and I will now feel comforted wearing it every day the next time I get pregnant.

The angel wing necklace was given to me by my aunt. She could not make Christmas this year because she was so busy with her plays, so we missed her dearly. It just wasn't the same without her here this year.

So, although this Christmas is not what we had imagined it would be a year ago, it was so amazing. Rosie's presence was felt everywhere this week. It was definitely a blessed Christmas.

Christmas Just Isn't the Same Without My Rose

My Christmas Spirit is gone. I do hope it decides to return today or Sunday, but as of last night, it has left the building. I came into work exhausted with a major headache. I was spent already, and I had a whole 12 hour shift to get through.

Foster and I walked into a beautifully decorated church last evening. It was filled to the rims with people. Between the C and E Catholics (Christmas and Easter mass participants only) and everyone's families, there was not a seat left in the house. Foster and I were fortunate enough to stand by a family who squeezed together in order to make room for us. We did not ask them to, they just put kids on laps and invited us in. I was pleased to see we were situated on the outside perimeter of the church, and the front row, because I had a feeling this was going to be a difficult mass, and the less amount of people surrounding me, the better. I was doing pretty good for most of the mass. I cried a little during "Silent Night", but since the singer was unable to stay completely on key,  I would giggle from time to time, and it kept me from getting too into the music. But then communion came. I always get a little emotional during communion. This time the tears started flowing, and as soon as Foster started rubbing my back, I turned to him and tears were welling in his eyes, "This Christmas was supposed to be so different," I whispered to him.

"I know sweetheart."

I laid my head against his shoulder, and he rested his head on mine, and we cried through the rest of communion. I sobbed. The shoulder heaving, snotty nosed sobbing. The lady next to me handed me some tissues and leaned over, "It will get easier, it is always hard around the holidays," she said as I accepted this small act of kindness. She had no knowledge of our loss, but probably figured we had lost a close family member. As the mass came to an end, she turned to me an asked, "May I ask who you lost?"

"Our daughter," I said.

"Oh sweetheart," she said and she started to tear up, "I am so sorry."

The little boy down the pew kept looking at me and motioning for his mother to look at me, and it looked as if he was asking why I was crying. This poor little man probably thought I was crazy. He probably could not imagine someone being sad on Christmas Eve, because Santa would be coming this night, and everyone should be happy right? Well, not us baby loss moms. This is SUPPOSED to be a happy time, but for us this day, the birthday of our Lord Jesus, is a hard time for us no matter how far a long in our journey we are. If things had played out the way they were supposed to, we should be opening lots and lots of presents for our baby girl and watching her be more interested in the wrapping paper than the gifts that were concealing.

Instead, Foster and I are celebrating with my side of the family on the 26th and celebrated with his side this past week. There is a feeling of something missing, there probably will always be from here on out, but it is nice to spend time with family.

Tonight, however, I am done, emotionally spent, and just wish the 26th would come already. This is a point where I say "I want my mommy and daddy," yes folks, even a 29 year old woman wants nothing more than the warm embrace of her parents when she is hurting, that familiar place in my mom and dad's arms that makes everything better.

I did receive some good news today, a great little surprise for the 26th. My aunt and uncle from Georgia are heading in to celebrate. Aunt and Uncle Georgia Peach are some amazing people. Although they live so far away, they have always been such a huge support. Aunt Georgia Peach has been a spiritual support in the last 8 months, and then recently has helped with my ministry by agreeing to embroider the canvas bags for Roses from Rosalynn with the logo. She has a talent with the sewing machine and has produced some of the most beautiful quilts and hand made pieces I have ever seen. She didn't even hesitate when I asked this huge favor. I love her so much, and I actually get to hug and thank her in person. She is another one of my angels here on earth.

Now, Uncle Georgia Peach is hilarious! He can bring a smile and laughter to any situation. He possesses this wonderful gift, and God knows we will need it! I am soooooo thankful that they will be joining us this week!

I am praying for some peace in my heart and the hearts of my fellow baby loss parents. I am sure our little ones are looking down on us and smiling. Remember, they are celebrating Christmas in Heaven with Jesus.....what a great celebration that will be!!

My First Christmas In Heaven:

I see the countless Christmas trees around the world below
With tiny lights, like Heaven’s stars, reflecting on the snow
The sight is so spectacular, please wipe away the tear
For I am spending Christmas with Jesus Christ this year.
I hear the many Christmas songs that people hold so dear
But the sounds of music can’t compare
with the Christmas choir up here.

I have no words to tell you, the joy their voices bring,
For it is beyond description, to hear the angels sing.
I know how much you miss me, I see the pain inside your heart
But I am not so far away, we really aren’t apart.
So be happy for me, dear ones, you know I hold you dear.
And be glad I’m spending Christmas
with Jesus Christ this year.

I sent you each a special gift, from my heavenly home above.
I sent you each a memory of my undying love.
After all, love is a gift more precious than pure gold
It was always most important in the stories Jesus told.
Please love and keep each other, as my Father said to do
For I can’t count the blessing or love he has for each of you
So have a Merry Christmas and wipe away that tear
Remember, I am spending Christmas
with Jesus Christ this year.
( by Author Unknown)

Time Goes By So Slowly......NOT!!!!

Time has gotten away from me. It seems to be going by like a speeding freight train and I can't slow it down. I feel like the more I try and enjoy the moment, the faster it goes. Yesterday was eight months since my precious Rosalynn went back up to heaven to be with God. Where has the time gone? I am sure I would be saying this if she was here also because at this point she would be sitting up, crawling, and trying to form words by mimicking mommy and daddy. If she was anything like me, she would probably already be talking in full sentences! There are days that I feel like April was a lifetime ago, and then other days where I can still feel her in my belly. I get that gut-wrenching clench around my heart, and tears well in my eyes because I still can't believe this happened to us!

One more month has gone by of trying and failing to produce Rosie a sibling. I am a little bummed, even tough I tried to tell myself I wouldn't get my hopes up, I actually had a great feeling about this month. Oh well, as people always say, "When you least expect it it will happen. Just stop thinking about it." This is like telling someone who is drowning to stop thinking about oxygen, when everything inside of them wants nothing more than to take a deep breath. I try to relax, I try to take my mind off of it by staying incredibly busy, but no matter how busy I am, no matter how many massages I get or yoga I do, it still consumes me. I don't think it helps that as Rosie's passing gets further away, the deployment gets closer and closer. I have to admit, my thoughts have been taking a positive spin for my vacation to Afghanistan. I am a medic. I was supposed to be discharged for pregnancy, but due to paper work not being filed in time, I was still in and hence my discharge was canceled when I lost my daughter. Now, I won't get into all the details here, because there are a lot of things that could have been done to honor my discharge, but for one reason or another were not.
My new theory that I am trying to focus on instead of the awful negative thoughts that ran through my head in THIS post, is this:

"If Rosalynn had survived, I would have been out of the Army and hence I would not be going on this deployment. What if I am supposed to go on this deployment because I end up saving someone that I would not have been able to if I wasn't there. What if my daughter had to pass so that I would be there to help someone's husband, father, mother, daughter, etc. survive?"

Now, I know that there will be other medics there, and there would probably be someone else there that could save the person if I wasn't, BUT who knows. Maybe? This is how I am trying to think more positively. I hope no one gets hurt, but if they do, I hope I am there to help.

Onto more fun things! On the Seventh day of Christmas Foster gave to me:

Seven Quarters of college~ He didn't "give" them to me per say, but I have been in school for 7 quarters since we met 3 years ago. 2 of them I had to drop early, one because of Rosie, and the other before I joined the Army. So technically is is only 5 quarters, but for the sake of this "song", I will say 7. By the way, next quarter will be my 8th and FINAL!!!!!

On the Eighth Day of Christmas Foster gave to me:

8 year long contract~ with the Army that is. I had talked to him early in our relationship that I was thinking of joining the Air Force full time. He convinced me into Army National Guard. Now I have 6 active and 2 years inactive years to experience Army life.

SOOOOOOOOO
On the Eighth day of Christmas Foster gave to me:

An Eight year long contract
Seven quarters of college
Six Crazy in-laws
FIIIIVVVVEEEEE BEEEEDDDROOOOOMMMMM HOOOOOMMMMEEEEE
Four poster bed
Three nieces, one nephew
Two spunky puppies
And One beautiful daughter in heaven!!!

Only four more days to go!!!!! Hope everyone is enjoying the Christmas season so far.

On the Second Day of Christmas...

Foster gave to me:

Two spunky puppies:

and One Beautiful Daghter in Heaven.

I love Reagan and Rowdy. They are such a joy in our lives! Rowdy has just recently had his first encounter with snow, and he LOVES it!! He and Reagan will run in cricles and chase eachother and wrestle in the snow. It is soooo funny!

On the First Day of Christmas ...

My true love gave to me:

One Beautiful Daughter in Heaven

I am going to start the 12 days of Christmas of my own version. Each day I will list something that I have been blessed with this past year because Foster is in my life. I am Truly blessed, and I feel this is a good way to show at least 12 things (actually 78 if I can actually find things that fit into the #s:-) Enjoy!

Here is a beautiful poem a friend of mine posted on her blog this morning that brought tears to my eyes!

I am spending Christmas in Heaven this year.


I see the countless Christmas trees around the world below, with tiny lights, like Heaven's stars, reflecting in the snow.

The sight is so spectacular, please wipe away that tear, for I'm spending Christmas with Jesus Christ this year.

I hear the many Christmas songs that people hold so dear, but, the sounds of music can't compare with the Christmas choir up here.

For I have no words to tell you, the joy their voices bring, for it is beyond description to hear an angel sing.

I can't tell you of the splendor, or the peace here in this place, can you just imagine the Christmas with our Savior, face to face?

I'll ask him to light your spirit, as I tell him of your love. So then pray for another as you lift your eyes above.

Please let your heart be joyful, and let your spirit sing, for I'm spending Christmas in Heaven and I'm walking with the King.

-John Mooney

Love, Laughter, and Happily Ever After!

365 days ago today I married the man of my dreams. He is my best friend, my confidant, my lover (sorry mom). In the past year he has exceeded any expectations I had of a husband. Foster is my rock. He pulls me up when I have sunk so low that I don't feel I will ever get out. He makes me laugh with the corniest jokes, and can make me feel absolutely content just siting next to him in silence on a long drive or on the couch together. I feel whole when I am with him. I can't explain it, I never actually thought I would ever find that "true love" that you see in movies, but that is truly what I have. We hardly ever fight, except if I go off on a drunk tangent, and we are really one of "those" couples that would much rather spend time with each other than anyone else in the world.

A prime example of what an amazing husband he is; I have mentioned this before,when I have drill weekend, he takes care of the household chores. I walked in last night to deer meat tacos. They were amazing! I was so happy that dinner was made and I didn't have to worry about it, and Foster was quite proud of his dinner choice. 

Today Foster and I revisited the restaurant that we had our first date. It is an delicious Greek place. I t was great to go back to the place that set the tone for our relationship.

After dinner, Foster and I headed home to start our new Anniversary tradition. We decorated our tree. Foster is known as being a bah-humbug kind of guy. I would even go as far to call him a grinch. He likes to shop and spend a little money on the family, but when it comes to decorating and music, he would rather not participate. However, tonight he was a great sport. He downloaded the Transiberian Ochestra, poured us each a glass of wine, rigged the tree topper, and assisted me in my tree trimming. I know, being his wife for a whole year now, that he probably did all this just to please me, but I love him all the more for it. If you have read the book "The Five Languages of Love", you would know that it is sometimes better for your relationship to do things you don't like in order to please your spouse. This in turn keeps them happy and then they want to keep you happy. This was probably one of those instances, but that just proves what an amazing husband he is.

It's funny, I never enjoyed decorating my parents' tree after I hit 13 years old. However, there is someting different about decorating your own. Now, don't laugh when I show you pictures, but we had 2  strands of lights for the tree already, but had to head to the store to get a third. I got "white" lights. Little did I know, that LED and regular lights are going to glow a very different "white". I wrapped the lights around the tree, and this is what happened:

I LOVE it! Although they are different colors, it is still perfect in my eyes, because it is our first Christmas tree. Just like our first year of marriage, our Christmas tree is not perfect. It is a little flawed. I think our Christmas tree is a perfect reflection of our first year as husband and wife. There were so many VERY bright moments in this year, but unfortunately, along with those came some dark moments too. The varying brightness in lights represents this. Rosie has been very prominent in our lives although she doesn't reside here on earth with us, just like she is present on our tree:

Our pasts are represented,

One of Foster's ornaments growing up

our present,

an ornament for our beautiful pup Reagan

Foster bought me this one in New Orleans this past week.

and  the star at the top represents the hope that we have for the future.

Here are just a few of the other ornaments that adorn our tree.

The full Irish blessing on an Celtic Cross

Foster had this personalized with our wedding date on the side of it

The Claddagh has a special meaning for Foster and me.

an Irish blessing

My Irish angel

As you can see there is a trend. I LOVE my Irish heritage. It is so rich with tradition and history, and I am not just talking about the drinking part. I love everything about it, and I am sure my little Irish angel is up there looking over her mom and dad as they try to have the closest thing to a normal Christmas they can without her.

Rosie's Picture with Santa

Yesterday my SIL sent me a picture of her kids w/ Santa. This is a tradition some families take for granted, and others don't care either way. Foster has not been the biggest fan of Christmas since I met him, you could call him "Mr. Grinch" and he would be just fine with it. However, he humors my attempts at decorating for Christmas, and he even agreed to make putting up the Christmas tree our Anniversary tradition (Dec. 12). As a baby loss mom, there are many things about the holidays that make me sad. There is always a feeling of something missing whether it be at the Thanksgiving table, decorating, Christmas shopping, and now today, seeing photos of Santa.

It was in this moment that I realized Rosie will never get her picture taken with Santa. This is something I was looking forward to. The past 2 years around Christmas Foster and I have gotten our picture taken with Santa together. I know what you are thinking, "If Foster doesn't like Christmas, WHY would he get his picture taken with Santa?"

Well, we take a road trip to DC and visit the National Christmas Tree. There is a little Santa's Workshop that offers one free picture with Santa. Last year it happened to be our honeymoon trip, and we were looking forward to this being the first year Rosie would go with us and join the group. It was reflecting on this moment that I realized she HAD gotten her picture taken with Santa. It will be her one and only, and she is hidden inside my belly, but she is there nonetheless. Needless to say, I immediately found the photo, framed it, and put our first and only "family Christmas photo" up on our mantle.

It is small things like this that makes me smile.

On Dec. 16th Foster and I will head back down to DC, and as part of our family tradition, we will go to that little workshop. This time we will smile for the camera with a little pain in our hearts, and with that all too familiar feeling that someone is missing, and we will get our picture taken for the third time. Maybe, if we are blessed, a few weeks later we will find out that it was Baby Foster #2's first Christmas picture......a girl can always hope right?

Merry Christmas everyone, and please soak in all the precious moments you can and be thankful for all of your blessings this holiday season.

The True Meaning Of Christmas

"Some people have a defining moment in their lives that they embrace and make the most of. I just wanted to tell you how proud I am of you and all you are doing."

"At such an early age, you have found the true meaning of Christmas."

These are a few of the comments some of my amazing coworkers have said to me in the past few days. What stemmed these comments? I officially have gotten Roses from Rosalynn with Project Sweet Pea up and running. My family and friends are rallying together to support me and the other families that may be suffering a terrible loss this Christmas season.

My family and friends have asked me numerous times in the past few weeks what I want for Christmas. My reply, "I have everything I could ever want or need. I have a loving husband, supportive friends and family, a roof over my head, and food on my table. As long as everyone I know and love is happy and healthy, I am happy. The only thing I ask, is if you want to give me a present, donate to Roses From Rosalynn. The only thing I want is to be able to make another family happy."

My best friend and I went to the SS office to get our names officially changed in the eyes of the state. As we were making our way to the office, she was so excited to tell me something. She had been asking a lot of questions and seemed really interested in my project. Today I found out why. JJ wanted to make it a surprise, but needs some forms from me. She is a buyer for a major nationwide store that originated here. They offer a grant program for their employees for non-profit projects. It can range from $100-$10,000 grants. She wants to put Roses From Rosalynn in for a grant. She wanted to surprise me for Christmas, but needed more information. This melted my heart!! She also wants to take an active role in the project. She is going to be my "Treasure" per say. She is great with budgeting, and is great with spread sheets, so she is going to help me keep track of all of the item donations and monetary donations since I Have to hand in a quarterly report. This is going to be sooooooo helpful, I can't thank her enough. Even if the company turns us down this year, we can continue to apply each year. Pray that we receive some, because even a hundred dollars would be a blessing.

Then there is my mother. She is a school teacher, and decided instead of receiving mugs and gift cards from her students this year, she asked that they donate instead. The whole school, all the teachers, have rallied together to have the children write little books to put in the bags, and ask the patrons of the church to donate this holiday season.

If you remember my friend Amy from the 31 purse party, she has extended her help in my mission. She wants to throw a party that part of her profit will go towards my project. It may be a few months before I can arrange something, but I do plan on taking her up on the offer. I will let everyone know when and where the party will occur when we set a date.

It is amazing to me that when you are passionate about something, how family, friends, and complete strangers take an interest in it too! This holiday season has just started, and so far I have felt more fulfilled and more love than in the past 28 years of my life. Call it my "calling", call it my "passion", call it what you will, but giving to these families in a time of need is the closest I will get to giving to my daughter this Christmas, and that makes me feel comforted and happy. As some of you will be watching your children open gifts on Christmas morning, I will be fondly thinking of my daughter and thanking her for opening my eyes to the true meaning of Christmas.

Thank you all for your continued support. If you are interested in what Roses from Rosalynn is about, or for my fellow BLMs, if you want to learn more about how to start your own project through Project Sweet Peas, please, do not hesitate to message or email me, I will give you more info.