Time has gotten away from me. It seems to be going by like a speeding freight train and I can't slow it down. I feel like the more I try and enjoy the moment, the faster it goes. Yesterday was eight months since my precious Rosalynn went back up to heaven to be with God. Where has the time gone? I am sure I would be saying this if she was here also because at this point she would be sitting up, crawling, and trying to form words by mimicking mommy and daddy. If she was anything like me, she would probably already be talking in full sentences! There are days that I feel like April was a lifetime ago, and then other days where I can still feel her in my belly. I get that gut-wrenching clench around my heart, and tears well in my eyes because I still can't believe this happened to us!
One more month has gone by of trying and failing to produce Rosie a sibling. I am a little bummed, even tough I tried to tell myself I wouldn't get my hopes up, I actually had a great feeling about this month. Oh well, as people always say, "When you least expect it it will happen. Just stop thinking about it." This is like telling someone who is drowning to stop thinking about oxygen, when everything inside of them wants nothing more than to take a deep breath. I try to relax, I try to take my mind off of it by staying incredibly busy, but no matter how busy I am, no matter how many massages I get or yoga I do, it still consumes me. I don't think it helps that as Rosie's passing gets further away, the deployment gets closer and closer. I have to admit, my thoughts have been taking a positive spin for my vacation to Afghanistan. I am a medic. I was supposed to be discharged for pregnancy, but due to paper work not being filed in time, I was still in and hence my discharge was canceled when I lost my daughter. Now, I won't get into all the details here, because there are a lot of things that could have been done to honor my discharge, but for one reason or another were not.
My new theory that I am trying to focus on instead of the awful negative thoughts that ran through my head in THIS post, is this:
"If Rosalynn had survived, I would have been out of the Army and hence I would not be going on this deployment. What if I am supposed to go on this deployment because I end up saving someone that I would not have been able to if I wasn't there. What if my daughter had to pass so that I would be there to help someone's husband, father, mother, daughter, etc. survive?"
Now, I know that there will be other medics there, and there would probably be someone else there that could save the person if I wasn't, BUT who knows. Maybe? This is how I am trying to think more positively. I hope no one gets hurt, but if they do, I hope I am there to help.
Onto more fun things! On the Seventh day of Christmas Foster gave to me:
Seven Quarters of college~ He didn't "give" them to me per say, but I have been in school for 7 quarters since we met 3 years ago. 2 of them I had to drop early, one because of Rosie, and the other before I joined the Army. So technically is is only 5 quarters, but for the sake of this "song", I will say 7. By the way, next quarter will be my 8th and FINAL!!!!!
On the Eighth Day of Christmas Foster gave to me:
8 year long contract~ with the Army that is. I had talked to him early in our relationship that I was thinking of joining the Air Force full time. He convinced me into Army National Guard. Now I have 6 active and 2 years inactive years to experience Army life.
SOOOOOOOOO
On the Eighth day of Christmas Foster gave to me:
An Eight year long contract
Seven quarters of college
Six Crazy in-laws
FIIIIVVVVEEEEE BEEEEDDDROOOOOMMMMM HOOOOOMMMMEEEEE
Four poster bed
Three nieces, one nephew
Two spunky puppies
And One beautiful daughter in heaven!!!
Only four more days to go!!!!! Hope everyone is enjoying the Christmas season so far.
Goodbye, Old Friend
5 years ago
