Bittersweet....My Deployment Status

Yesterday was filled with all sorts of emotions. Usually, when drill comes along, I can put on a "happy face" and get through the two days. I had accomplished this on Saturday. However, standing in line for my weigh in on Sunday, our new First Seargent walked by and asked how the weigh in was going. I said, "Well, this is the first month I can't claim post-partum as an excuse," and laughed uncomfortably.  I figured since I had asked for the command to be informed about my loss, not for sympathy, but so they may be a little more understanding, I just assumed that he already knew.

Well, you know what they say when you assume..."You make an 'ass' out of 'u' and 'me'." Boy did I!

He looked at me with a smile on his face and said, "Well, congratulations! Did you have a girl or a boy?"

I know it was not his fault. I know he didn't know, but tears started welling up in my eyes, and I responded, "No First Sergent, we lost my daughter Rosalynn around 35 weeks."

The look on his face was of pure guilt and horror. He told me to walk with him and explain my story. So I did, and he informed me that his family has gone through a similar loss, and he knows the feelings and pain. He said that he was truly sorry and if there was anything he could do, to let him know. I mentioned the botched paperwork for my discharge and how I was in process of trying to get policies to reflect more of the active duty regulations in regards to stillbirth, "Well, we can take a look at those papers and see if we can still get you out of here if that is what you want."

I didn't know how to react to this. For 9 months all I have been told is "No". I have been told that there was no way I could get out, no matter what my papers said, or who made the mistakes. How can one man be so confident that he can change that?!?! I instantaneously liked this man. Not because he can get me out, but because he said that he would do whatever he could to help! That is the first time in nine months I had heard those words from someone other than my immediate NCO channel. They have all cared and tried, but when it got to a certain level, no one seemed to care.

Now, I must admit, after seething for so long, I have come to the realization that getting "out" is not necessarily what I want. I am not a quitter, and I have a contract to uphold. As the pain is getting easier to bear from losing Rosie, I feel more and more like a soldier. Now, this is not to say I am in any way mentally or emotionally ready to deploy. I am not at any point where I can be relied on to save a life or be under high amounts of stress. This is another reason I think the Regular Active Duty Army has their stuff together. Their policy would allow a soldier to return to duty after 18-24 months of the loss. This gives them time to grieve and get back into shape emotionally AND physically.

I went back to the bathroom to resume my weigh-in, and tears were just streaming. You fellow baby loss moms are farmiliar with the fact that once it starts, once a trigger has caused the flood gates to open, it is almost impossible to stop them, and the rest of the day is a struggle!

About 2 hours later, First Sergeant stood in front of all of us and started calling out the names of the Forward attachment, those soldiers that would be going overseas. I was nervous, my hands started sweating, my legs started to go numb as I sat there in the classroom just waiting for my name to be called. I felt the tears starting again, and I felt as if I was going to pass out. As I heard each name called and each person stand up to file downstairs for their initial briefing, I just knew it was a matter of time before they called my name, and I was terrified that I would collapse when I heard it. On Friday I had noticed that my medical status had gone back to "Green" on my online account. I figured since the pregnancy was all cleared, that there was no reason for me to be in the red any more.

More and more names were called, and then he stopped, glanced through his list one more time, and then said, "Well, that is it. The rest of you are on the rear detachment. This will not change unless YOU want it to. If you get your issues cleared up in time, then we can get you put on the forward, however, as of right now, this is how it stands. Does anyone have a question to why they are on the rear?"

I know I had a look of confusion in my eyes, but I was not going to raise my hand, because I didn't want my reason to be announced in front of everyone since I didn't know what the reason was myself. However, my startled look did not go unnoticed, and after First Sergeant was done, one of the Lieutenants called me over. She and I have been friends for a while. We went to ROTC together, she lived with me for a couple months, and we have remained close (outside of uniform of course). Of everyone in my unit, she probably knows me better than anyone. She pulled me aside and asked me if I knew why this happened. I admitted that I didn't and she explained, "Major **** (my old commander) entered into the system that you were suffering from Postpartum Depression, and that it was neither in your best interest or the units best interest to have you accompany us. We want to make sure that you are ok and that you are taken care of. This is not something you should have to be worrying about so soon after your loss."

I was stunned, relieved, and a little embarrassed. I started crying again. LT's eyes started getting red as it seemed like she was holding back tears, "Are those tears of relief?" she asked.

"I think so," I said, with a small chuckle. "I had no idea," I said, "I have been in this awful place of the unknown for the past 5 months. Anxiety and depression have been my biggest enemies since finding out about this deployment, and now I can relax. However, is it natural to feel a little guilty at the same time?"

My feelings of guilt stemmed from the fact that someone else has to go in my place. Someone else has to leave their family and friends and put themselves in harm's way. What if something happens to that person? I know I will never know the exact person who took my place, however, I will always wonder. I just pray every single person comes back safe and sound!

It is so weird how the emotions are different than last deployment. I was put on the rear for our tour to Iraq because I was pregnant. I was originally on the forward, but 2 months later got that positive pregnancy test. I was devastated. I wanted to go, and instead of guilt and relief, there was only disappointment and anger. Well, 3 months before the deployment, it was canceled. So, there is a lot that can happen in the next months, but regardless, I will be home safe to focus on the rest of my journey through grieving and healing. Thank you all for your prayers and support, and I ask for you to continue to pray for the men and women of my unit that will be risking their lives. I know that if I remain in, that my time will eventually come, and I know at that point, I will be ready to go and make everyone proud.

My New Year's Resolution...No, My New Year's Hope!

People have been posting about their resolutions. I don't like the idea of a resolution, because then I have an immense amount of guilt if I don't stick with it. Instead, I have hopes for the year 2011.

As I stood there in a sea of my family and friends, kissing and hugging my amazing husband as the ball dropped signaling the start of the new year, I felt what the true meaning of the new year was. Tears rolled down my eyes as I looked into Foster's and whispered in his ear, "It is over," As we counted down, 3, 2, 1.... I realized we were saying goodbye to the hardest year of our lives, and we were looking straight into a fresh, new time; a new year that, as we found out the hard way, SOOOOOO much can happen! I am still debating whether I am happy or sad about this bitter-sweet goodbye. 2010 was filled with so much joy, and so much sorrow. I was able to give birth to the most beautiful little girl, and although I had to say goodbye the moment I said hello, I felt a love so pure and an overwhelming pride I never knew existed; I became a mother. So as we rang in this new year, I reflected on new years past.

There have been three New Years Eves that have stuck out in my mind prior to this year. NYE 2007 I hugged Foster and cried as I realized that in 4 days he would be catching a plane overseas and spending a whole year away from me. I hugged him as if I would never let him go, and he let me know that night that he would come home and make me his wife.

One year later, NYE 2008, we stood in that same room kissing and hugging because he had just returned home 2 weeks before. He had stepped off that bus, and my hope for our future together was becoming reality. He had not yet proposed, but I knew that it was around the corner.

NYE 2009, although I had to work, I had my heart and my belly filled with hope of the new life Foster and I had created. We had exchanged vows as man and wife 2 weeks prior to NY, and we were awaiting our first born to join our family. Standing amongst my coworkers, a smile filled my face for I had yet to know what 2010 held for me.

This year has changed me. It has caused me to be cynical, anxious, and sometimes depressed. If you know me in real life, you know that is not my nature. You know I was always the eternal optimist. The one person that no matter how bad it was, I could find a sliver of good. In fact, it drove my drill sergeants NUTS!! I would always have a smile on my face and would try my hardest to put one on yours. However, it has also changed me for the better. I have come to know love so deep that even death cannot sever it. I have learned generosity and the kindness of people knows no bounds. My eyes have been open to the sanctity of life, the miracle that every pregnancy, every life is. And although on Dec. 31, 2009 I was terrified of the prospect of being a new mother, Dec. 31, 2010 I am so proud to call Rosalynn my daughter and hold hope that one day I will hold a living, breathing child in my arms.

My hopes for 2011:

~ Graduate in March and finally fulfill a 12 year long journey.
~ Do as much good in my daughter's name as I can
~ Hone my photography skills and be a part of others' memories.
~ Finish my first book. (or at least get it 80% done before seeking out publishers)
~ Have a little brother or sister for Rosie.

Now, as a good friend of mine pointed out in her blog, this last one is not a guarantee. I know that I am not owed another child just because I lost one. I know that God may have other plans for me, and I plan on fulfilling HIS plan, not mine. However, with prayers and lots of "practice" ;-) Foster and I will pursue this last Hope.

I hope this year holds new beginning for all of you, and you don't wait to fulfill your dreams. God Bless you all!

Time Goes By So Slowly......NOT!!!!

Time has gotten away from me. It seems to be going by like a speeding freight train and I can't slow it down. I feel like the more I try and enjoy the moment, the faster it goes. Yesterday was eight months since my precious Rosalynn went back up to heaven to be with God. Where has the time gone? I am sure I would be saying this if she was here also because at this point she would be sitting up, crawling, and trying to form words by mimicking mommy and daddy. If she was anything like me, she would probably already be talking in full sentences! There are days that I feel like April was a lifetime ago, and then other days where I can still feel her in my belly. I get that gut-wrenching clench around my heart, and tears well in my eyes because I still can't believe this happened to us!

One more month has gone by of trying and failing to produce Rosie a sibling. I am a little bummed, even tough I tried to tell myself I wouldn't get my hopes up, I actually had a great feeling about this month. Oh well, as people always say, "When you least expect it it will happen. Just stop thinking about it." This is like telling someone who is drowning to stop thinking about oxygen, when everything inside of them wants nothing more than to take a deep breath. I try to relax, I try to take my mind off of it by staying incredibly busy, but no matter how busy I am, no matter how many massages I get or yoga I do, it still consumes me. I don't think it helps that as Rosie's passing gets further away, the deployment gets closer and closer. I have to admit, my thoughts have been taking a positive spin for my vacation to Afghanistan. I am a medic. I was supposed to be discharged for pregnancy, but due to paper work not being filed in time, I was still in and hence my discharge was canceled when I lost my daughter. Now, I won't get into all the details here, because there are a lot of things that could have been done to honor my discharge, but for one reason or another were not.
My new theory that I am trying to focus on instead of the awful negative thoughts that ran through my head in THIS post, is this:

"If Rosalynn had survived, I would have been out of the Army and hence I would not be going on this deployment. What if I am supposed to go on this deployment because I end up saving someone that I would not have been able to if I wasn't there. What if my daughter had to pass so that I would be there to help someone's husband, father, mother, daughter, etc. survive?"

Now, I know that there will be other medics there, and there would probably be someone else there that could save the person if I wasn't, BUT who knows. Maybe? This is how I am trying to think more positively. I hope no one gets hurt, but if they do, I hope I am there to help.

Onto more fun things! On the Seventh day of Christmas Foster gave to me:

Seven Quarters of college~ He didn't "give" them to me per say, but I have been in school for 7 quarters since we met 3 years ago. 2 of them I had to drop early, one because of Rosie, and the other before I joined the Army. So technically is is only 5 quarters, but for the sake of this "song", I will say 7. By the way, next quarter will be my 8th and FINAL!!!!!

On the Eighth Day of Christmas Foster gave to me:

8 year long contract~ with the Army that is. I had talked to him early in our relationship that I was thinking of joining the Air Force full time. He convinced me into Army National Guard. Now I have 6 active and 2 years inactive years to experience Army life.

SOOOOOOOOO
On the Eighth day of Christmas Foster gave to me:

An Eight year long contract
Seven quarters of college
Six Crazy in-laws
FIIIIVVVVEEEEE BEEEEDDDROOOOOMMMMM HOOOOOMMMMEEEEE
Four poster bed
Three nieces, one nephew
Two spunky puppies
And One beautiful daughter in heaven!!!

Only four more days to go!!!!! Hope everyone is enjoying the Christmas season so far.

With Once Voice and an Update

November is upon us. It is the month that All Saints and All Souls days are celebrated. There are numerous masses and services in remembrance of the ones who have preceded us in death. The sermon on Sunday was interesting. The priest started talking about heaven and hell and "purgatory". It was once believed by the church that babies that were not baptized before death were either in hell, or in limbo which is the outskirts of hell because although they have not committed any worldly sins, they are still with original sin.

There are quite a few issues with this theory. First of all, although the church binds itself with God's sacraments, God himself is not bound by His sacraments. essentially, he wants all of his children to be saved and join Him in Heaven for eternity "the great mercy of God, who desires that all men should be saved) (1 Tm 2:4), so what makes ANYONE think that God would punish a child to an eternity in limbo is beyond me.  to top it all off, God watched how Jesus embraced the children "But Jesus called the children to him and said, “Let the little children come to me, and do not hinder them, for the kingdom of God belongs to such as these. I tell you the truth, anyone who will not receive the kingdom of God like a little child will never enter it.” (Luke 18 16-17). I am sure Jesus did not mean "Let all the little baptized children come to me". Thankfully, this view was disregarded. Prior to the second Vatican Council, although limbo for babies has long been used in theological teachings, has no clear foundation of revelation, no biblical reference of this place. Since then,  Pope John Paul II wrote a document that was released in 2007 entitled "The Hope of Salvation for Infants Who Die without Being Baptized" questioning the teachings of babies in limbo, and arguing against it. I am sure you wonder why it took so long for the church to address this subject. Pope John Paul II decided to address it because pregnancy and infant loss was skyrocketing do to environmental hazards, and IVF. Multiple babies increase risks, and sadly many families have felt the pain of multiple losses at once. The church wanted guidance on how to help grieving parents, so PJPII did just that.  Pope Benedict is the one who released the document during the International Theological Commission in 2007, and now will always be known as the Pope who "Closed Limbo".   You can read the whole document here.

I felt as if the priest was looking right at Foster and I through his whole sermon. He did not go into as much detail as I just did with the history, but he came to the same conclusion, that my daughter, along with all the other angel babies are in heaven. that there is no reason for us to think otherwise.

I know I mentioned my habit of looking at the songs before hand in order to prepare myself for the potential of tears during a song from Rosie's funeral. Once again, this week, one of her songs were played, "The Bread of Life". This time, it not only got to me, it got to Foster. He mentioned he didn't know why it hit him this time. I am sure it was a combination of the sermon and the song. I did cry, but I am getting used to the fact that almost every service in the past 6 months I have shed a tear for my daughter, and I am okay with it.  I was just happy and blessed that I was able to attend mass with Foster this week. I had drill this week, and unless I am released in time on Saturday evening, it is nearly impossible for me to attend church on drill weekends.

Drill was interesting this weekend. On Friday we had our first medical and administrative day (SRP) for the deployment. It was a very heavy day for me. the first 2 hours consisted of going between providers and case management personnel rehashing the loss, the c-section, and my emotional and mental state currently. When I was through the medical aspect, I was then faced with more challenges on the administrative portion. When Foster and I were married, we went to the appropriate office to have me put into the system as his wife and under his insurance (DEERS). Since we are dual status, I asked them while we were there if we needed to put him under me. They informed us that he would automatically be under me since I was under his profile. I should not have trusted them. When I got to the DEERS table to make sure that he was under me in the system, they informed me that he wasn't and that I would need his ID and birth certificate, his SS card, fingerprints, DNA, firstborn child....just kidding. I informed them of what the office had told me, and they pretty much told me the office had lied. I was angry. Angry is an understatement. the poor Cadet that was breaking the news to me was the undeserving victim to my anger. I decided Foster and I would have to come back on Monday and take care of everything. I went to the next station. The Life insurance (SGLI) station. I was changing all the information so that in the even of my death, Foster would be the recipient of my SGLI

"Good! Maybe they will actually listen to you and get something accomplished," I said. So I waited. When he arrived, he brought me some Subway for lunch so I didn't have to eat an MRE since I was CERTAIN was NOT on the WW diet. When we went back to DEERS, he handed them his military ID and Driver's License. they tried to tell him they couldn't do anything without his Birth Certificate.

"I know you did not make me come all the way in here for nothing," Foster claimed sternly.

"No, sir, I am sure there is a way around it," the Sergeant said. This is the exact reason I wanted him to come in  uniform. Before we knew it, they accessed all of his documents online off the system, transferred them under my name, and low and behold, I am officially married according to the Army, almost a year after the fact.

The weird thing, is this was officially the first time we have been in the same room in uniform together. It was so strange. I wanted to hug and kiss him when he came in the door, but it is inappropriate. I slipped a few times and called him "honey" or "sweetheart", and I am sure he didn't notice, but it is definitely not professional. Oh well, at that point, I was through being professional. It had been a rough day.

Luckily, Saturday was so much better. It was a typical drill of checking our vehicles, classes, and deployment information. This weekend I brought my new camera, and took pictures. We have a picture board in the hallway, and I noticed that a lot of the pictures contained soldiers that were no longer part of our unit, so I decided that had to change. Here are a few of the photos I took from Saturday:

 

Checking our trucks

 Getting ready to drive the trucks

 Me :-)

The geometrical building OUTSIDE of our rinky dinky building.

Goofin off.

Boys will be boys

It was really cold, and she really didn't want her pic taken. look at the evil eye she is giving me

Sunday came along, and while we were waiting for the NCOs ans Officers to get out of a meeting, first Sergeant asked me if I had brought my camera again. I left it at home, because we were having a change of command ceremony, and I figured the Army would have a photographer there to take pictures. I was mistaken. He told me to go home and get it, that I would not be standing in formation, but would be taking pictures of the Change of Command. 

Before the ceremony, I practiced with the lighting in the room. Unfortunately it is a huge building with really bad white fluorescent lighting. The walls are white, the floors are white, and VERY reflective. Luckily, I think I got some great shots. Before I show them to you, I am sure you want to know the update of me and the deployment. As right now I am still a No Go. My old commander is concerned about some right lower abdominal pain I have been having for the last few weeks. He wants my OBGYN to check it out. I can't get an appointment till January 7th, so I will be non-deployable until then. I am training as if I am going, and not going to get out of that mindset. I have learned that in the Army, you have to hope for the best and expect the worst. the best scenario would be I will go in on Jan. 7th and find out I am pregnant. I would be discharged, and not have to worry about the deployment. However, I am preparing my mind and body for the deployment, and the possibility of not coming home. Hope for the best, expect the worst, and if anything in between happens, I won't be disappointed.  

Formation prior to start of the ceremony

Outgoing Commander's Miracle grandson (story will be told sometime)

One of my favorite shots

One of my favorite shots in black and white

New Commander's first speech to our unit

Whole formation

1SG passing guide-on (flag) to outgoing Commander to represent his successful command of the company.

The new Commander passing the Guide-on back to 1SG to represent the importance 1SG's job is going to be in aiding the command of our unit.

Farewell cake and flowers for wife

Welcome cake and flowers for wife.

** Remember, all pictures are mine, and please do not take credit for them. you are more than welcome to ask to use them though:-)

And the Other Shoe Drops

Disclaimer: Warning, this post is a little tough, a little dark. I apologize ahead of time, and you can stop reading now if you want. I know THAT won't happen, because what happens when someone tells you not to look at something? You look at it. I promised I would be honest in these posts, so here it goes:

It is amazing how our lives can be flipped upside down in a matter of moments. The night of April 19th it happened when the doctor uttered those words "I am sorry, there is no heart beat", and tonight it happened all over again. I was at work when I received a text message from my sergeant telling me that my unit will be deploying to Afghanistan in the Summer of 2011. I was in shock.

Most people would probably be shocked, and maybe be even a little bit scared, but this is what went through my mind:

They say everything happens for a reason. When my husband, David, and I were talking when I was pregnant about the possibility of me being deployed if I stayed in the military, he voiced his concerns about being a single father for a year. He told me he was not sure if he liked the idea of the mother of his child still wearing combat boots. Also, it would e incredibly hard to raise a family while we were both in the military. the Army CAN and WILL deploy both parents at the same time if they feel it is necessary. So, I started my discharge process. When you are a female in the military and you get pregnant, you have the right to get out. I was choosing that road. This would not have made me happy prior to becoming pregnant, I would do everything in my power to be a good soldier. I was "high speed" as we say. I was as good, if not better than a some of the men in my unit. I fully intended to finish my six years without having a child. I wanted to finish my commitment. As soon as I got pregnant my whole view changed. I decided it was best for me and my future family to get out. Well, when we lost Rosie, my discharge was canceled. Now today I get notice of a deployment.

So......what if the "reason" behind losing my daughter is so that my husband will never be a single dad? What if the reason I lost my daughter is because I will not come home alive from Afghanistan? Now, as I have stated in the past, I am not afraid of death anymore. I look forward to the moment I get to meet my daughter for the first time. However, I AM afraid of what that would do to my mom and my husband. My mother would have to be committed to a loony bin. She has gone through so much in the past 2 years. The death of her granddaughter, the death of her best friend, the onset of dimension in her other best friend, 3 horses dying in 6 months time, her dog being hit by a car (survived, but now crippled in one leg), the cars breaking down, and the roof needing replaced. She has not had the best luck in the past 2 years. And my husband, I can't imagine what he would do if he lost his wife so soon after losing his daughter.

I know this all sounds so morbid, god forbid, a little "crazy" but that is what is going through my head, and I vowed to be honest in this blog. However, if you were a soldier and I was your medic, would you want me going on missions with you in this mental state? I know I wouldn't! I am not emotionally or mentally ready for a deployment. I am not ready to be away from the safety of my home or my husband for a year. Last year when our unit got the deployment notification I was ready. I was actually looking forward to a deployment, to getting that patch on my right sleeve indicating I had bravely served my country. Now, I could care less. My heart is not into being a soldier any more. I hate to admit that out loud, or on "paper" if you will. There was a time when putting on the uniform meant everything to me. I miss those days, after April, my priorities in life have changed. I should have been out by now. There is a girl in my unit who is 33 weeks pregnant, and just received her discharge. If they had done what they were supposed to with my discharge, I would have been out before we lost Rosie, and I would not even be facing this conundrum.

I know, I know, it is still a year away, and ALOT can happen in a year. Our last deployment to Iraq was canceled 2 months prior to deployment, so I know things can change. And who knows, my feelings may be completely different as the deployment gets closer, so I am going to TRY not to stress TOO much YET. However, if my anxiety is this high already, what will happen as it gets closer? I don't understand why I have to be faced with this so soon after our tragedy. I thought I would have more time.

Joe gave me a beautiful pendent as a gift for being in her wedding. Actually, it is a necklace with three pendents on it. One with angel wings, one with Rosie's birthstone, and one with "Proverbs 3: 5-6" engraved on it. So I am going to follow the passage:
"Trust in the LORD with all your heart
and lean not on your own understanding;
in all your ways acknowledge him,
and he will make your paths straight. [a]
Do not be wise in your own eyes;
fear the LORD and shun evil."