With One Voice....Sowing the Seed

Wow it had been forever since I have done one of these. It's not because I don't attend church still, because I do, every Sunday with Foster, but I think it has been a while since a mass and its message has resonated with what I am currently going through. Sure, certain songs are sung that remind me of Rosie, and still bring me to tears when we are performing them, but this is the first time in a while that the readings, the songs, AND the sermon have resonated in me.

The gospel was one that we are all too familiar with. It was the parable of the farmer sowing his seeds. One particular verse stuck out to me: "The one who received the seed that fell on rocky places is the man who hears the word and at once receives it with joy. But since he has no root, he lasts only a short time. When trouble or persecution comes because of the word, he quickly falls away. " (Matthew13: 20-21)

I was so sad recently when there was a discussion on my private facebook support group that addressed our faith after our losses. I knew it happened, I knew the death of a child could cause people to lose their faith, but I was almost brought to tears that amongst the 20+ comments to the question, EVERY SINGLE ONE of them had lost their faith, saying things like "I don't want to love or believe in a God that would take a child away from it's parents." Now, I would never judge anyone for their choice of faith, or lack there of, but there were many women who would say that they had faith BEFORE their losses, but lost it after. My heart broke.

I thought maybe it was because the women who had not lost their faith were too nervous to respond to the question, because the original poster expressed her lack of faith in God in the original topic; so I decided to respond. I just mentioned what most of you already know about Foster and I. You all know that Foster became Catholic 17 days before we lost Rosalynn. You all know how strong we have become in our faith and relationship since we lost her, and you know that I pray for anyone who asks, and those that don't, every night before I go to sleep. God is good....ALWAYS!

I also put the WHOLE serenity prayer in since it is the prayer that I has gotten me through so much in my life, and its words are SOOOO powerful :

God grant me the serenity
to accept the things I cannot change;
courage to change the things I can;
and wisdom to know the difference.

Living one day at a time;
Enjoying one moment at a time;
Accepting hardships as the pathway to peace;
Taking, as He did, this sinful world
as it is, not as I would have it;
Trusting that He will make all things right
if I surrender to His Will;
That I may be reasonably happy in this life
and supremely happy with Him
Forever in the next.
Amen.     --Reinhold Niebuhr

But alas, I only received one supporting comment to mine.

While listening to the sermon following the Gospel, I started reflecting and realized that I am SOOOO glad that Foster and I were like the seeds thrown on the good soil. "But the one who received the seed that fell on good soil is the man who hears the word and understands it. He produces a crop, yielding a hundred, sixty or thirty times what was sown.” (Matthew 13: 23) I honestly believe that the two of us going through RCIA together for him to become Catholic helped us to understand our faith better, understand our marriage better, and thus, after losing a child, was one of the contributing factors for our faith AND marriage staying strong through everything. Don't get me wrong, our faith was rocked to the core....well, at least mine was....and there WERE times I got mad at God, but heck, I know he can handle it. However I never thought for a moment He did this to us. I never thought for a moment He was punishing us. 

All I can continue to do is pray for those families and women that are have turned their back on their faith. All I can do is hope that they will come to peace with the fact that God was not trying to punish them, and unfortunately bad thing happen to good people. But EVERYONE goes through trials and conflicts and loss and pain....what makes us so special that we don't deserve some too? One of the many responses from the women included,  "I have always been a good person, always treated others well and prayed on a regular basis. Why did He do this to me?" My retort: Why not? Is losing a child probably one of the worst things that can happen to a person? Sure, but there is also nothing written that says life is going to be easy. No one promises that life will be easy if you are a good person here on earth. All that is promised is a glorious life in heaven after this life! I figure this is all just temporary, I can make it through the next 40+ years and then have an eternity to look forward to with all my loved ones!

I try and look at it like this: 

I am going on 30 years old, I have gone through my husband being deployed for a year, and a loss of a child. We have been through most likely the worst thing we will EVER have to go through, isn't it nice to think that everything from here on out, no matter what it is , will seem easy in comparison? 

The priest explained that just because someone is one of the other seeds, does not mean they are out of luck, or "passed up", or have lost their faith forever. Because the great thing about the farmer is that every year, he continues to sow more seeds. Every day God is trying to bring those who have forgotten about him to come back. I just hope that my strength and faith through all of this is able to inspire, even if it is just one person, to become closer to God. And I pray that in the coming seasons those who have lost faith, something eventually brings them back.

 

A Letter to My 17 Year Old Self

I was driving in my car listening to the radio when Brad Paisleys "Letters to Me" came on. For those of you who don't listen to country, it is a song about a guy who talks about what he would write in a letter if he could send it to his 17 year old self. It got me wondering what I would do if I had the same opportunity. So, here is my letter to myself:

Dear 17 year old Erin,

I wish I could warn you about all the bad things that are going to happen in your life so that you may avoid the hurt and disappointment, but I am not going to. You see, every mistake you made and every pain you feel from here on out will turn you into a happy, faith-filled, loving woman.

First and foremost: LISTEN TO YOU MOTHER!! She is actually really smart. She is going to warn you NOT to get credit cards when yo turn 18. LISTEN TO HER! The ONLY exception to this is when she suggests you give a certain guy your number. Give it to his friend thirty minutes later. I PROMISE, it all works out the way it should.

When it comes to men, you will date some doozies! I mentioned that I wouldn't tell you what to specifically avoid, so I want you to date all of them. Why? Because when you do meet your future husband, you are going to appreciate him so much more than you would if you met him without dating all the jerks. With that being said, you can learn your lesson from the chef after the first year. Don't keep going back to him, seven + times!!! The four years you stay will just be constant disappointment and a repeat of the first devastating year. This is the situation you should heed the phrase "Fool me once, shame on you; fool me twice shame on me!"

You do things your own way. You are going to take 11 years to get your bachelors.  You will join the military. You are going to get yourself in debt (unless you follow my first lesson). But you WILL finish, you WILL enjoy it, and you WILL pull yourself out. The one thing I must say, is that you have been pretty persistent, and you try to keep a smile on your face the entire time you do it.

Remember JJ? How about your sister Bug? I know you and JJ have been friends for years, but you only see her 1-2 times a year. Well, you will end up living together, and becoming inseparable. Your sister and you fight like cats and dogs right now, but once she hits college, you and JJ and Bug will become three peas in a pod. Where one goes, the other two follow, and between the three of you and your guys, you will create your own little family unit. It is the most amazing feeling! Sure, they will infuriate you at times, but they will be there for you at your darkest moments.

You will be a mother. Your first born will change your life in ways you could never imagine, and take you in directions you would never have gone without her. Trust me. It will be a life changing experience.

Friends will come and go. Just like Carl Jung says, "The meeting of two personalities is like the contact of two chemical substances: if there is any reaction, both are transformed." People come into your life for a reason, if only for a few moments; but people grow up, they move on. Those that are worth anything will be there for you when you need them most. You find this lesson out after a tragedy. People came out of the woodwork, and some girls you have not spoken to since high school become your biggest resources and supporters. Plus, you don't always need to meet people in person to become great friends. This same tragedy causes you to meet some amazing women on the internet, and a lot of them have become some of your closest friends.

Please, amongst all things, stay true to yourself. Stay close to God. By the time you are 29 you will feel like you have lived three separate lifetimes, but will be a better person because of them. Just keep that smile on your face, continue your positive attitude,  treat people the way you should, and you will be just fine.

See you soon!
29 year old Erin

If you could write a letter to your former 17 year old self, what would you say? What advice would you give?

The Waiting Game With Hope...6w5d

That is what this past couple have weeks have been for me. Every time I have a slight cramp or feel something "Down there" I rush to the bathroom expecting it to be the end of this pregnancy. I have been having nightmares of someone trying to poison me to kill my baby, and have woken Foster up numerous time. I believe he told me I woke him up with my screaming 3 times in a matter of thirty minutes! For the most part, while I am awake, my mind is at ease, and I am at "peace". I don't know if it is the fact that I know that at this point, if anything were to happen, that there is nothing anyone can do about it, or if i truly have a feeling that everything is really going to be okay.

I may sound a little anxious right now, but can you even imagine how I am going to be the closer we get to that 34 week mark.

I have a feeling everything is growing as it should in there. I have to believe that the all day nausea is a sign that Pumpkin is growing big and strong in my belly. Reduced Fat Cheezits and Diet Sprite have been my best friends. No vomiting yet, just debilitating nausea at times. Foster has been a trooper and helps me out when I am feeling too "yucky" to move from the couch.

He also gets to see my "ladies" grow by leaps and bounds, but does not get the pleasure of getting to know them! I am not taking any chances with this little Pumpkin until my doctor gives us the thumbs up. (Sorry mom if that is too much information!)

I found myself a pregnancy work out video to bring with me for approval from my doctor on Thursday. I also bought a very exciting piece of work out equipment. I figured that since I can't do push ups anymore, and should not be lifting too much weight, I had to figure out a way to have sexy arms still. So......I bought the SHAKE WEIGHT!! HAHAHAHA Foster is STILL laughing his head off, and I seem to be the center of his amusement now. You just wait, when the rest of my body has become lumpy and dumpy, I will have the sexiest arms in Ohio! I did about 15 combined minutes with it yesterday, and honestly my arms are SORE!!!

Please say some prayers that we see a strong heart beat on Thursday, and Pumpkin is growing big and strong. I am playing the waiting game, but my biggest supporter is Hope right now!

“We also rejoice in our sufferings, because we know that suffering produces perseverance; perseverance, character; and character, hope. And hope does not disappoint us, because God has poured out his love into our hearts by the Holy Spirit, whom he has given us.” Romans 5:3-5

With One Voice: A Strong Foundation

“Therefore whoever hears these sayings of Mine, and does them, I will liken him to a wise man who built his house on the rock: and the rain descended, the floods came, and the winds blew and beat on that house; and it did not fall, for it was founded on the rock. “But everyone who hears these sayings of Mine, and does not do them, will be like a foolish man who built his house on the sand: and the rain descended, the floods came, and the winds blew and beat on that house; and it fell. And great was its fall.”(Matthew : 24-28)

When this parable was read in church today, it made me start thinking, hard. I realized that I was blessed with a family who encouraged and helped build a strong foundation in my faith. Growing up I probably complained more than I should have about attending church, but if I didn't I wouldn't have been a typical teenager. I was unaware of how important my faith would be to me later on in life.

Luckily, after growing up, I continued to practice my faith and hold a personal relationship with God. Just like any other relationship, the foundation is the most important piece. If you have a strong foundation in a marriage, friendship, or with God, no matter what obstacles are thrown in the way, your relationship will take the beating and survive. If however, your relationship is built out of weak "material", the relationship is doomed in tough times and tragedy. Examples of this material may be greed, pride, lust, you get the point. If you are with someone purely for sex, most likely the relationship won't hold up once something strains it, makes it too "real". If you are friends with someone because they can benefit you in some way, shape, or form, there is a good chance the friendship will end as soon as they are no use to you. The same goes for a relationship with God.

If your relationship is an "as needed" relationship, where you turn to him when you want something, but do not thanks him when you get it, or give yourself the credit without realizing you didn't do it by yourself; then most likely as soon as a major tragedy strikes, you will easily turn your back on Him. I have to admit, there have been many moments int he past ten months where I have gotten angry, asked Him "Why?" and tried to understand why he would take my child away from me. However, just like when my best friend JJ and I fight, as soon as I calm down, I am able to think clearly, and realized that it was not His fault and I must have faith that He will comfort me. "Just a a mother comforts her child, so will I comfort you." (Isaiah 66:13)

What are the basic building blocks of a strong foundation? Just as the deadly sins make for a weak foundation, the virtues are best to build a strong foundation; Faith, Hope and Charity.

Faith by definition is "belief that is not based on truth". As Christians, we have a faith that there is an amazing afterlife for us to look forward to, and eternal life in paradise with our Maker. We have faith that God knows what is best for us and will never give us more than we can handle.

Hope is the belief in a positive outcome related to events and circumstances in one's life. We have hope that we will make it to heaven if we lead a good life here on earth. I have that much more of an incentive to lead a good life here. I want to meet my daughter for the first time. I want to walk through the gates of heaven and hold her and hug her and play with her. I also have hope that God will bless me. It may not be on my schedule, or in the time I want, but he will. I may have to wait until I go to Heaven to get these blessings, but I have hope I will receive them.


Charity is the practice of benevolent giving and caring. "I tell you the truth, whatever you did for the least of my brothers, you did for me.' (Matthew 25:40). Loving and giving to our fellow brothers and sisters is one of the most important ways to live a Christian life and build your relationship with God. Jesus' life was spent caring for the sick and poor. Every person we help is as if we are doing it to Christ. "Treat others the way you want to be treated."

I know the loss of a child can literally rock a foundation, it rocked mine, but I am blessed that it did not crumble my house. To my BLMs: How has your faith been tested since the loss of your child? Did your foundation hold up?

My New Year's Resolution...No, My New Year's Hope!

People have been posting about their resolutions. I don't like the idea of a resolution, because then I have an immense amount of guilt if I don't stick with it. Instead, I have hopes for the year 2011.

As I stood there in a sea of my family and friends, kissing and hugging my amazing husband as the ball dropped signaling the start of the new year, I felt what the true meaning of the new year was. Tears rolled down my eyes as I looked into Foster's and whispered in his ear, "It is over," As we counted down, 3, 2, 1.... I realized we were saying goodbye to the hardest year of our lives, and we were looking straight into a fresh, new time; a new year that, as we found out the hard way, SOOOOOO much can happen! I am still debating whether I am happy or sad about this bitter-sweet goodbye. 2010 was filled with so much joy, and so much sorrow. I was able to give birth to the most beautiful little girl, and although I had to say goodbye the moment I said hello, I felt a love so pure and an overwhelming pride I never knew existed; I became a mother. So as we rang in this new year, I reflected on new years past.

There have been three New Years Eves that have stuck out in my mind prior to this year. NYE 2007 I hugged Foster and cried as I realized that in 4 days he would be catching a plane overseas and spending a whole year away from me. I hugged him as if I would never let him go, and he let me know that night that he would come home and make me his wife.

One year later, NYE 2008, we stood in that same room kissing and hugging because he had just returned home 2 weeks before. He had stepped off that bus, and my hope for our future together was becoming reality. He had not yet proposed, but I knew that it was around the corner.

NYE 2009, although I had to work, I had my heart and my belly filled with hope of the new life Foster and I had created. We had exchanged vows as man and wife 2 weeks prior to NY, and we were awaiting our first born to join our family. Standing amongst my coworkers, a smile filled my face for I had yet to know what 2010 held for me.

This year has changed me. It has caused me to be cynical, anxious, and sometimes depressed. If you know me in real life, you know that is not my nature. You know I was always the eternal optimist. The one person that no matter how bad it was, I could find a sliver of good. In fact, it drove my drill sergeants NUTS!! I would always have a smile on my face and would try my hardest to put one on yours. However, it has also changed me for the better. I have come to know love so deep that even death cannot sever it. I have learned generosity and the kindness of people knows no bounds. My eyes have been open to the sanctity of life, the miracle that every pregnancy, every life is. And although on Dec. 31, 2009 I was terrified of the prospect of being a new mother, Dec. 31, 2010 I am so proud to call Rosalynn my daughter and hold hope that one day I will hold a living, breathing child in my arms.

My hopes for 2011:

~ Graduate in March and finally fulfill a 12 year long journey.
~ Do as much good in my daughter's name as I can
~ Hone my photography skills and be a part of others' memories.
~ Finish my first book. (or at least get it 80% done before seeking out publishers)
~ Have a little brother or sister for Rosie.

Now, as a good friend of mine pointed out in her blog, this last one is not a guarantee. I know that I am not owed another child just because I lost one. I know that God may have other plans for me, and I plan on fulfilling HIS plan, not mine. However, with prayers and lots of "practice" ;-) Foster and I will pursue this last Hope.

I hope this year holds new beginning for all of you, and you don't wait to fulfill your dreams. God Bless you all!

Hope.....Hope I Don't End Up Disappointed

If you noticed, I make mentions in passing about Foster and my journey in TTC (Trying To Conceive). However, I don't go into much detail, and I try not to get my hopes up too much each month. However, I can't help but feel a little hope this month. The month of December is filled with special days for me/us. For my fellow Catholics out there, this Wednesday is "The Feast of the Immaculate Conception". Foster is in New Orleans, and he found The Church of the Immaculate Conception:

compliments Google Images

to attend mass on Wednesday while I attend our home parish. Now, I am not insinuating that I expect to become knocked up without Foster present, however, it IS the "day" Mary conceived Jesus.

I am still trying to figure their math out, because that would mean her entire pregnancy lasted 17 days!!! WOW!! What I would give for my next pregnancy to last only 17 days! I know, I know, the church picks days to represent the actual day, but you would think they would have chosen a day at the beginning or end of March (in case she went a little past her due date).

But I digress....

Then, on Sunday, Foster and I will be celebrating our 1 year anniversary. 12/12 just so happens to also be the "Feast of Our Lady of Guadalupe":

google images

In the painting, she has a black bow around her waist symbolizing her pregnancy. I am not going to go into full detail of the story behind her, but if you are interested, you can read the Wikipedia version here.  Foster and I were 16 weeks pregnant with Rosalynn when we exchanged our vows. I felt a close connection with her that day, and was proud of the fact that we got married on that day.

On the 16th we will be heading back to our nation's capitol, and enjoying a much needed few days away from the stressors in life. I am hoping that if I don't have one by that time, I will get the opportunity to buy the necklace of Our Lady of Guadalupe if we get the chance to visit the The Basilica of the National Shrine of the Immaculate Conception in DC:

google images

This month I even took the time for myself and got a massage in order to ease my mind and relax my body, make it ready to conceive so to speak. We had fun. We relaxed. I threw away all the pee sticks that predict ovulation, I skipped checking my temperatures, and I focused on Foster and me.

I have a good feeling this month. I just hope I don't end up eating my words around Christmas time. So if each of you could send a little extra prayer to the big Man upstairs this week (specifically Wed and Sun), it would be much appreciated.

Sunday's Sermon

I know it has been way too long since i have posted what I learned from the Sunday service, but it is because I have not gotten the chance to go to church! I have felt like something was missing, because I have missed mass for 3 weekends in a row. THe first was because we were on a strict deadline back from North Carolina on Sunday, and HAD to be back in town to drop off the rental by 5pm. The following weekend I had drill for the National Guard, and unfortunately we were not released in time for me to make either evening masses. Then I was in Chicago with the girls. We were going to go to the evening mass when we returned on Sunday, but then we got caught in traffic for 2.5 hours on the way home so we didn't make it in time (that is a story I have yet to finish telling you guys!). So, come Hell or high water, I was bound and determined to make it this week. Thank the Lord, because our command released us early on Saturday so FOster and I were able to attend evening mass together.

I really needed this week's message. Obviously Foster and I are still trying to conceive. This was the third month of failure. I know this does not seem very long to people who have been trying to conceive for years, but as a Baby Loss Mom, there is an urgency to fill a void. Notice how I said "fill a void", and not "replace my baby". The"empty arm syndrome", not even close to the "empty nest syndrome" or the "restless leg syndrome", is what I am trying to ease the pain of. I know no other baby will take the place of Rosie, but I yearn for the day that my arms will hold a child.

"Then the Lord answered me and said: Write down the vision clearly on tablets, so that one can read it readily. For the vision still has its time, presses on to fulfillment, and will not disappoint; If it delays, wait for it, it will surely come, it will not be late." Habakkuk 2: 2-3

My feeling of urgency is useless. I must hold faith that God has his plans for me and Foster. We have no control over the timing that God has already planned for us, and we just have to continue to pray and try. It will happen in His time. I have to admit, every month that my monthly shows, it becomes harder and harder to hold to that faith. "Lord Increase our faith" (Luke 17:5) I find myself asking for this every month. I have to have faith that He knows what he is doing, and hope that the visions of being a mother come to fruition in due time.

This message at mass was just what I needed this week. I am sooooooo glad that Foster and I were able to make it to church together this week.

P.S. I LOVE my new projects from moms of Rosie's name....scroll down and check them out on the right hand side. And I also love the fact i have music to my blog now! all of the songs have to do with angels, roses, or have a special place in my heart. I figured it was time since my theme is "dancing through the garden of life". Enjoy!!!

There is a Season...Turn, Turn, Turn,

September has seemed to be a pretty pivotal month in my life. September is the month I first met my husband, September is the month that Foster and I got engaged, and then found out we were pregnant a few weeks later. So that means technically September is when we conceived our daughter. September 18th was supposed to be our wedding date until we moved it up because of Rosie.

Up until Faces of Loss, Faces of Hope asked me how the season changing influences my grief, I really had not thought about all of this. However, I have noticed that although there have been a lot of beautiful moments this month, I have been a little melancholy. If last September had never happened, if for some reason it was erased from my past, so many things would be different. Would they be better? I don't necessarily think so.

If it were not for September, I would never have seen the sweet face of my baby girl. If it were not for September, I would never have know a love so strong for someone else that the thought of them immediately puts a smile on my face and makes my heart feel like it is going to burst. Because although she is not in my arms, my love for Rosie is still so intense. It is a mother's love.
True, if last September didn't happen, there would be a lot less pain, but with pain comes understanding, appreciation, and hope.

I know that sounds weird, but hear me out. Understanding for grief and how to help people in theirs has been one of the amazing revelations I have had in this process. Prior to losing Rosie, I was very unsure around grieving people. I never knew what to say, how to act, or what to do. Now I know all they want is an "I am sorry", plain and simple. I understand.

I have appreciation. I have appreciation for the simplest things in life. Walking with my friend and mother on the beach during a beautiful sun rise while writing angel baby names in the sand. I truly appreciated the quiet, peaceful time I got to spend with two women that I love with all of my heart. I appreciate every morning that I wake up alive and healthy, something a lot of people take for granted. I appreciate every moment I get to spend with Foster, the love of my life. I could not ask for a better husband.

I am hopeful. I am filled with hope for the future, because, "Though he brings grief, he will show compassion, so great is his unfailing love." Lamentations 3:32. I truly believe after all of what my family an I have gone through in the past year, that there will be some compassion and happiness in our future. I hope every month that I will be able to tell my mother and father that they will be expecting another grandchild. The future "memory" that keeps me going is the scene in the delivery room when we give birth to a healthy, crying baby. The mix of excitement and tears that will fill that room is going to be overwhelming. THAT is what gives me hope!

Each changing of the season will bring more sad memories and "what could have beens". What would I be dressing Rosie up for Halloween as? What would she get for her first Christmas? Would she have loved her grandma's mashed potatoes as much as I do? Would she be afraid of Santa? However, as the leaves change colors, the snow starts to fall, and ultimately the trees start to bud all over again, I am reminded that life continues, and with each changing season is the hope of a happiness in the future. For Ecclesiastes says it best (Or the Byrds):To every thing there is a season, and a time to every purpose under the heaven. A time to weep, and a time to laugh; a time to mourn, and a time to dance;(Ecclesiastes 3:1 and 4). We have been mourning, we have been weeping. I am sure our time to laugh and dance will come in time. And who knows what next September will bring.

Update on Fostering

Well, I worked up the guts to call the Franklin County Family Services again. We had requested information a few weeks ago, and never received it, so I assumed they would not send it to us until 6 months after our loss. Well, when I called, I got the same lady I talked to last time, the one who put the sour taste in my mouth. I asked her if they ever sent any information to us, because we had no received anything. She apologized and explained that she had sent out a packet but it was returned to them through the mail. She said that the envelope read "invalid address". I don't know why, because they had the correct address. Oh well. She resent it out the next day, and we got the packet a few days ago. Foster and I are ecstatic. The classes start in September, and we can take the classes and home studies that would give us the option of adopting if we are blessed with children that may need a permanent family. Foster is excited because he will get the opportunity to teach someone something.

We talked it over, and although the most in need group of children are eight and over, I think we will start with the under five age group, because we are new to the parenting thing. We will start with one child or maybe a set of siblings, but until we feel comfortable with older children, we will stick to the younger ones. I personally feel like it would be hard for a pre-teen or teenage kid to take Foster and I seriously as an authority figure because we are a younger couple.

I just pray that this works out and we enjoy this process. I know God has plans for Foster and I, and I hope this is one of them. We have the hearts, the room, and the means to help a child in need.

The Mind Playing Tricks!

When I went to Dr. C (my high risk doctor), he seemed very knowledgeable. He explained to me what the plan for the next child would be, and what he would and would not do. However, what really impressed me the most is when he looked at pictures of Rosie and made it seem very personal. He said although he could not relate to our situation personally, he told me a story.

"When I attended the funeral of my 87 year old grandmother one of her best friends got up to say a eulogy and started saying all of these beautiful stories about my grandmother. Then she talked about something none of us knew. She mentioned that my grandmother was not afraid of death, and that she has not been afraid of dying since she was twenty years old. The reason she was not afraid of dying is because it would be the first time she would get to meet her daughter Mary for the first time.
None of us were aware that my grandmother had lost a baby girl when she was 36 weeks along. 67 years after her daughter's passing, she was still thinking about her and still missed her."

He said although he could not take this pain away, he could do everything in his power to make sure we get a healthy, happy baby. One thing he wanted to do was get an MRI of my uterus. When Dr. T performed my surgery, she noticed I had a heart shaped uterus but could not tell the severity of the situation because my uterus was all stretched out due to the pregnancy. Dr. C wanted to get an MRI of my uterus at normal size to see what he is dealing with.

I had the MRI scheduled for Friday. I was filling out the paper work when I came across the question "Is the a chance you could be pregnant?" I thought about this for a few moments. Well, I am of child bearing age, I ovulated around the 14th (I felt it), and Foster and I are an active married couple. Of course I COULD be pregnant. However, I know an MRI poses no real threat to a developing fetus like a CAT scan or even an X-ray can, because a MRI used magnets instead of radiation. So, I marked the "NO" box. I patiently waited in the reception area pondering the idea, "What if I WERE pregnant?" There would be so many mixed emotions. I would be excited, but nervous. I don't know if I would be ready emotionally, and physically, I would like to lose another twenty pounds before conceiving another baby. However, it is all up to God, and if He feels it is the right time, I will trust Him.

My name was finally called and I followed the technician back to the MRI room. I deposited my purse and keys into the locker and removed all of my jewelry. She brought me into the room and started explaining the process to me, "The first part of the test we are going to just take some images of your uterus. Then I am going to take you out for a minute, administer some contrast, and take some more images of the vessels in your uterus."
WOAH buddy! Contrast? Contrast is usually used with CAT scans, and it contain isotopes that help make the images more detailed, but most important, contain radiation that will most likely cause problems in a pregnancy. "Wait," I said, "what if I COULD be pregnant?"

"Are you, or do you think you are?"

"I don't know. I could possibly be pregnant, I am young, married, active, and ovulated a few days ago. If I am, I would only be a few days pregnant. The probability that I am pregnant is slim, but the possibility is there. I don't know what to do."

"Well," the tech responded," unless you tell me 'NO', I cannot do this test on you. Why don't you just reschedule for when your period is due, and if you have to cancel, GREAT, cause that means you are pregnant. If not, at least you have the piece of mind that you are definitely not pregnant."

"I feel so stupid," I responded, "I feel so stupid about coming all the way in here and now I have to turn around and reschedule. Maybe it is wishful thinking, but I would rather be safe than sorry." I walked back out the reception area, and rescheduled myself for July 2nd which is around the time my monthly gift should be here.

I hate how our minds can play tricks on us. When I was not trying to get pregnant, every symptom scared me, and I prayed that I would get my monthly visitor and would let out a sigh or relief when Aunt flow did come. However, now that Foster and I hope to get pregnant, every little thing makes me think I am pregnant. I have been waking up in the morning with slight nausea and light headed. I have gotten up at least three times in the middle of the night to pee for the last 3 nights. I swear my boobs grew a whole size over night, I am having issues sleeping and I like to think the slight pains in my abdomen are ones of implantation. I am praying that my famous aunt stays away on the 28th. However, everyone of these symptoms have a reasonable explanation. For one, it is soooo early if I am pregnant, how on earth can I feel symptoms already. The nausea and light headed could be a result from not sleeping well. The fact that I am not sleeping well could be a result from the cough and sore throat I am suffering from. The increased urination could be from all the water I have been drinking because my throat hurts. It could just be my mind playing tricks on me with the pains in my abdomen, and my boobs could just be getting bigger because I am 6 days from that time of the month.

I refuse to be too excited. I will not take any pregnancy tests until I am "late". I refuse to get my hopes up, because I don't want to be disappointed. I also do not know if I am ready to go through another pregnancy, because it would be so stressful, but if that is the plan, I will embrace it, and follow that path.

Although I will not tell anyone if I do get a Big Fat Positive (BFP) next week, I wear my heart on my sleeve, and I am sure everyone will know by the way I act. Why must my body tease me?!?!?