With One Voice....Sowing the Seed

Wow it had been forever since I have done one of these. It's not because I don't attend church still, because I do, every Sunday with Foster, but I think it has been a while since a mass and its message has resonated with what I am currently going through. Sure, certain songs are sung that remind me of Rosie, and still bring me to tears when we are performing them, but this is the first time in a while that the readings, the songs, AND the sermon have resonated in me.

The gospel was one that we are all too familiar with. It was the parable of the farmer sowing his seeds. One particular verse stuck out to me: "The one who received the seed that fell on rocky places is the man who hears the word and at once receives it with joy. But since he has no root, he lasts only a short time. When trouble or persecution comes because of the word, he quickly falls away. " (Matthew13: 20-21)

I was so sad recently when there was a discussion on my private facebook support group that addressed our faith after our losses. I knew it happened, I knew the death of a child could cause people to lose their faith, but I was almost brought to tears that amongst the 20+ comments to the question, EVERY SINGLE ONE of them had lost their faith, saying things like "I don't want to love or believe in a God that would take a child away from it's parents." Now, I would never judge anyone for their choice of faith, or lack there of, but there were many women who would say that they had faith BEFORE their losses, but lost it after. My heart broke.

I thought maybe it was because the women who had not lost their faith were too nervous to respond to the question, because the original poster expressed her lack of faith in God in the original topic; so I decided to respond. I just mentioned what most of you already know about Foster and I. You all know that Foster became Catholic 17 days before we lost Rosalynn. You all know how strong we have become in our faith and relationship since we lost her, and you know that I pray for anyone who asks, and those that don't, every night before I go to sleep. God is good....ALWAYS!

I also put the WHOLE serenity prayer in since it is the prayer that I has gotten me through so much in my life, and its words are SOOOO powerful :

God grant me the serenity
to accept the things I cannot change;
courage to change the things I can;
and wisdom to know the difference.

Living one day at a time;
Enjoying one moment at a time;
Accepting hardships as the pathway to peace;
Taking, as He did, this sinful world
as it is, not as I would have it;
Trusting that He will make all things right
if I surrender to His Will;
That I may be reasonably happy in this life
and supremely happy with Him
Forever in the next.
Amen.     --Reinhold Niebuhr

But alas, I only received one supporting comment to mine.

While listening to the sermon following the Gospel, I started reflecting and realized that I am SOOOO glad that Foster and I were like the seeds thrown on the good soil. "But the one who received the seed that fell on good soil is the man who hears the word and understands it. He produces a crop, yielding a hundred, sixty or thirty times what was sown.” (Matthew 13: 23) I honestly believe that the two of us going through RCIA together for him to become Catholic helped us to understand our faith better, understand our marriage better, and thus, after losing a child, was one of the contributing factors for our faith AND marriage staying strong through everything. Don't get me wrong, our faith was rocked to the core....well, at least mine was....and there WERE times I got mad at God, but heck, I know he can handle it. However I never thought for a moment He did this to us. I never thought for a moment He was punishing us. 

All I can continue to do is pray for those families and women that are have turned their back on their faith. All I can do is hope that they will come to peace with the fact that God was not trying to punish them, and unfortunately bad thing happen to good people. But EVERYONE goes through trials and conflicts and loss and pain....what makes us so special that we don't deserve some too? One of the many responses from the women included,  "I have always been a good person, always treated others well and prayed on a regular basis. Why did He do this to me?" My retort: Why not? Is losing a child probably one of the worst things that can happen to a person? Sure, but there is also nothing written that says life is going to be easy. No one promises that life will be easy if you are a good person here on earth. All that is promised is a glorious life in heaven after this life! I figure this is all just temporary, I can make it through the next 40+ years and then have an eternity to look forward to with all my loved ones!

I try and look at it like this: 

I am going on 30 years old, I have gone through my husband being deployed for a year, and a loss of a child. We have been through most likely the worst thing we will EVER have to go through, isn't it nice to think that everything from here on out, no matter what it is , will seem easy in comparison? 

The priest explained that just because someone is one of the other seeds, does not mean they are out of luck, or "passed up", or have lost their faith forever. Because the great thing about the farmer is that every year, he continues to sow more seeds. Every day God is trying to bring those who have forgotten about him to come back. I just hope that my strength and faith through all of this is able to inspire, even if it is just one person, to become closer to God. And I pray that in the coming seasons those who have lost faith, something eventually brings them back.

 

8w4d~ Guilt!

I have been feeling very strange lately. Not depressed, not anxious, not alone, not any of the feeling I had after the loss of my Rosalynn. I just feel different. I was trying to figure out why I have been avoiding my blog, my support group, and even calling my friends, but couldn't put a definite reason behind these actions. Then, I was standing in a cafe waiting to have breakfast with my mom, dad, and Foster and talking to my mom. She hit the nail right on the head. She said she was feeling guilty about getting excited about this pregnancy because she almost felt like she was cheating on Rosie. That is it!! I feel guilty!

Rosalynn's 1st heavenly birthday is approaching fast. In fact, it is a meer 9 days away. I am grieving the loss of my daughter more and more as the day creeps closer and closer. However, I am pregnant again, and should be happy. I should be reveling in the hope of this new life, but I feel guilty. I don't want to get too excited, because I don't want my Rosie to think I forgot about her! I don't want her to think for one instance that he mommy is replacing her with this new baby. I have been getting signs left and right from her lately.

Around Christmas this past year, the funeral home sent us a beautiful engraved dove with her name on it. When we put our tree up 3 weeks later, we couldn't find it. We looked EVERYWHERE! IN every drawer, in the baskets that hold our mail, in the ENVELOPES in the baskets that hold our mail, on Foster's desk, EVERYWHERE. This past Friday I was looking for my military ID so I could head to Drill. I picked up the basket our mail is in, and glanced down; there it was. The ornament I had misplaced over 5 months ago was sitting RIGHT ON TOP! I called Foster and asked him where he had found the beautiful gift. He claimed he hadn't seen it since the last time I saw it. He admits now, HE BELIEVES IN SIGNS! He honestly thought it was a sign from Rosie.

Then, this Sunday at mass, the reading was about the raising of Lazurus from the dead. This particular reading really helped me in my early grief, because I really felt abandoned by God. However, in this passage is states "Jesus wept" with Martha and Mary, showing that he mourns with us. He is just as upset when we lose a loved one as we are, but it is a part of life. I teared up, because this was a reminder that I am not alone as April 20th quickly approaches, and i am reliving all of the sorrow in my head. THEN to top it off, "I am the bread of life", one of Rosie's funeral songs, were sung during communion. I left mass a total blubbering mess. I felt her all over the place! I have been feeling her all over the place! I don't know if it is her way of supporting me and helping me through this, or if it is her way of making sure I don't forget her. But I promise on everything that is near and dear to my heart, that I will NEVER forget my beautiful baby girl!

There is also fear. I am finding out left and right that there are more and more pregnant women around me. I have recently found out there are 2 more women at my work pregnant. That makes four of us all together. Anne, a few cousins, and numerous online buddies are pregnant as well. Of course I am THRILLED that I have so many people to experience this journey with, however I am scared. 2 of the SAME women at work, a few friends, and at least 3 cousins were pregnant when I was last. The one difference between them and me is that they all got to bring home their babies, and I was left burying mine, and watching all of theirs grow up around me. Seeing them at stages the Rosalynn should be at. I DON"T WANT THIS TO HAPPEN AGAIN!!!!! I DON"T WANT TO BE LEFT BEHIND AGAIN!!! Every girl I find out is pregnant with me is, in my mind, a potential baby I will have to watch grow up without mine in my arms. I know this sounds irrational, I know it is borderline crazy, but it is a reality for me, because it has happened once before. There is NO guarantee it won't happen again. I am not promised this child, I am not guaranteed to bring this baby home with me.....I can only hope and pray at this point.

Please be patient with me as I work through all of these mixed emotions. As April 20th approaches, my emotions are increasing, and it definitely does not help that I have pregnancy hormones raging through my body as well!

For those of you who have been waiting for an update on Pumpkin:

I am 8w4d. I have been having all day "morning sickness" but no vomiting, just a constant nausea that is eased slightly by the Zofran, but not completely. I have also been battling migraines. I explain it to my husband that I feel like I am hung over every day; except without the fun of binge drinking the night before. I feel bad for him, because although i do not complain NEARLY as often as I feel bad, he still has to deal with me moping around the house, sleeping ALOT, and lots and lots of bodily gasses due to my upset stomach. I had to move my next appointment to April 28th because I have a test in my Photography class on the 21st and they had scheduled me 1.5 hours before my class was to start. I was nervous that since the last appt. lasted 4 hours, that I would miss my midterm. So, the 28th it is! It is a regular appt with no ultra sound, HOWEVER, we SHOULD be able to hear the heart beat on doppler since we will be 11 weeks by then!! I am very excited about this!

I am showing already too! Unbelievable at this point, but I am a little over 8 weeks and look like I did when I was 18 weeks pregnant with Rosie!! They say your second always shows faster but my LORD!! I will post pics soon!

Thanks for the continues prayers and thoughts.

The Waiting Game With Hope...6w5d

That is what this past couple have weeks have been for me. Every time I have a slight cramp or feel something "Down there" I rush to the bathroom expecting it to be the end of this pregnancy. I have been having nightmares of someone trying to poison me to kill my baby, and have woken Foster up numerous time. I believe he told me I woke him up with my screaming 3 times in a matter of thirty minutes! For the most part, while I am awake, my mind is at ease, and I am at "peace". I don't know if it is the fact that I know that at this point, if anything were to happen, that there is nothing anyone can do about it, or if i truly have a feeling that everything is really going to be okay.

I may sound a little anxious right now, but can you even imagine how I am going to be the closer we get to that 34 week mark.

I have a feeling everything is growing as it should in there. I have to believe that the all day nausea is a sign that Pumpkin is growing big and strong in my belly. Reduced Fat Cheezits and Diet Sprite have been my best friends. No vomiting yet, just debilitating nausea at times. Foster has been a trooper and helps me out when I am feeling too "yucky" to move from the couch.

He also gets to see my "ladies" grow by leaps and bounds, but does not get the pleasure of getting to know them! I am not taking any chances with this little Pumpkin until my doctor gives us the thumbs up. (Sorry mom if that is too much information!)

I found myself a pregnancy work out video to bring with me for approval from my doctor on Thursday. I also bought a very exciting piece of work out equipment. I figured that since I can't do push ups anymore, and should not be lifting too much weight, I had to figure out a way to have sexy arms still. So......I bought the SHAKE WEIGHT!! HAHAHAHA Foster is STILL laughing his head off, and I seem to be the center of his amusement now. You just wait, when the rest of my body has become lumpy and dumpy, I will have the sexiest arms in Ohio! I did about 15 combined minutes with it yesterday, and honestly my arms are SORE!!!

Please say some prayers that we see a strong heart beat on Thursday, and Pumpkin is growing big and strong. I am playing the waiting game, but my biggest supporter is Hope right now!

“We also rejoice in our sufferings, because we know that suffering produces perseverance; perseverance, character; and character, hope. And hope does not disappoint us, because God has poured out his love into our hearts by the Holy Spirit, whom he has given us.” Romans 5:3-5

With One Voice: A Strong Foundation

“Therefore whoever hears these sayings of Mine, and does them, I will liken him to a wise man who built his house on the rock: and the rain descended, the floods came, and the winds blew and beat on that house; and it did not fall, for it was founded on the rock. “But everyone who hears these sayings of Mine, and does not do them, will be like a foolish man who built his house on the sand: and the rain descended, the floods came, and the winds blew and beat on that house; and it fell. And great was its fall.”(Matthew : 24-28)

When this parable was read in church today, it made me start thinking, hard. I realized that I was blessed with a family who encouraged and helped build a strong foundation in my faith. Growing up I probably complained more than I should have about attending church, but if I didn't I wouldn't have been a typical teenager. I was unaware of how important my faith would be to me later on in life.

Luckily, after growing up, I continued to practice my faith and hold a personal relationship with God. Just like any other relationship, the foundation is the most important piece. If you have a strong foundation in a marriage, friendship, or with God, no matter what obstacles are thrown in the way, your relationship will take the beating and survive. If however, your relationship is built out of weak "material", the relationship is doomed in tough times and tragedy. Examples of this material may be greed, pride, lust, you get the point. If you are with someone purely for sex, most likely the relationship won't hold up once something strains it, makes it too "real". If you are friends with someone because they can benefit you in some way, shape, or form, there is a good chance the friendship will end as soon as they are no use to you. The same goes for a relationship with God.

If your relationship is an "as needed" relationship, where you turn to him when you want something, but do not thanks him when you get it, or give yourself the credit without realizing you didn't do it by yourself; then most likely as soon as a major tragedy strikes, you will easily turn your back on Him. I have to admit, there have been many moments int he past ten months where I have gotten angry, asked Him "Why?" and tried to understand why he would take my child away from me. However, just like when my best friend JJ and I fight, as soon as I calm down, I am able to think clearly, and realized that it was not His fault and I must have faith that He will comfort me. "Just a a mother comforts her child, so will I comfort you." (Isaiah 66:13)

What are the basic building blocks of a strong foundation? Just as the deadly sins make for a weak foundation, the virtues are best to build a strong foundation; Faith, Hope and Charity.

Faith by definition is "belief that is not based on truth". As Christians, we have a faith that there is an amazing afterlife for us to look forward to, and eternal life in paradise with our Maker. We have faith that God knows what is best for us and will never give us more than we can handle.

Hope is the belief in a positive outcome related to events and circumstances in one's life. We have hope that we will make it to heaven if we lead a good life here on earth. I have that much more of an incentive to lead a good life here. I want to meet my daughter for the first time. I want to walk through the gates of heaven and hold her and hug her and play with her. I also have hope that God will bless me. It may not be on my schedule, or in the time I want, but he will. I may have to wait until I go to Heaven to get these blessings, but I have hope I will receive them.


Charity is the practice of benevolent giving and caring. "I tell you the truth, whatever you did for the least of my brothers, you did for me.' (Matthew 25:40). Loving and giving to our fellow brothers and sisters is one of the most important ways to live a Christian life and build your relationship with God. Jesus' life was spent caring for the sick and poor. Every person we help is as if we are doing it to Christ. "Treat others the way you want to be treated."

I know the loss of a child can literally rock a foundation, it rocked mine, but I am blessed that it did not crumble my house. To my BLMs: How has your faith been tested since the loss of your child? Did your foundation hold up?

Another Twist In The Road

I know the saying "everything happens for a resason" is so cliche, but I had something incredible happen this week that makes me stop and think if it holds some truth.

About five years ago I signed up to be a bone marrow donor. I donated a little bit of blood, and was placed in the registry. Up until this point I had yet to be called, however all that changed a few days ago. I noticed about four months ago that the registry still had my parent's address as my address, so I made sure to go in and update everything. Four months later, I am filling out an update on all my medical information because I may be a match for someone. One of the questions it asked was "Are you pregnant or could you become pregnant within the next six months?" Of course I answered yes, because lets face it, Foster and I have been trying VERY hard to get pregnant. However, I made sure to add in the notes that if they draw my blood for the more in depth testing, and find out that I am indeed a match, we will stop TTC immediately.
I would give up a few months of trying to start my family and giving Rosalynn a sibling in order to save some one's life. Can you imagine being responsible for saving some one's mother, father, sister, brother, daughter, or son? I help save lives in the ER every week, but this is a little different. I would have a single connection with one other person in this big world because MY marrow would be responsible for saving their life. If I can spare one family from the pain of losing a loved one, than I will gladly refrain from trying to get pregnant.

I will also endure the pain of a HUGE needle going into my hip, a few days of pain and recovery in order to save some one's life. It makes me wonder if maybe I was not meant to be pregnant yet because I was meant to help give a "new life" to a stranger. Makes you wonder doesn't it? Does everything happen for a reason?

I will keep you updated on the process. The next step is to stop by and give a little more blood for them to test it more closely, and then I should hear soon after that.

Here is a little treat. I have been practicing with photo shop and edited a few of the baby shoot pictures I took. I was playing around with the black and white with one singled out color effect. I think they came out pretty good for my first time!
Enjoy!

Before



After



Before



After




After (the before didn't want to download for some reason)

 I know they are not HUGE differences, but I like the effect, and can't wait to do more!!



Welcome...and Sad to See You Go

So I noticed I have picked up a few more followers, and also that I have lost some people. It is sad to see people drop from my friend list, but I understand that some people have to move on.  I lost a few after my last post about drill weeknds, and I hope I didn't offend anyone, especially my military spouses and members out there. I want to clarify something, I love my country and I love the Army. The problems I have are not with either one of these. Prior to losing Rosalynn I thought I was invincible. Nothing could hurt me, and I was willing to callenge life. My priorities were completely different. Since April, my life was turned upside down, and everything has changed. The other night when I was writing that post, I was crying as I told David how upset and angry I was how things have turned out. Not just with losing my child, but with how let down I have been by my unit. I feel like that kid who has been completely let down by their parents. Before I joined, and when I was in training, my perception of the military was they would protect their own. I was convinced that if I was ever in trouble, they would be like family.

I cried because I had felt abandoned by the family I thought I could rely on. This is enough to make anyone feel angry and bitter. Foster and I have mulled over different plans of action; discharge for depression, asking to be transfered to a different unit, etc., but I am going to stick it out. I am not a quitter. I mentioned we have a new First Sergeant and a new Comander. Although I have not yet talked one on one with the new commander, I have talked to the 1SG and I hope he is passing on information to my CO. From the looks of it, this new leadership seems to be more in tuned with my ideals of what the military should be, my second family. I feel like I have renewed hope. I am praying that this is not like the abandoned child who gets their hopes up when their deadbeat father comes back for a week or two, promises to stick around, buys the child gifts, and then ends up leaving again. I am optimistic that this is a situation where a new leadership means new priorities. So far it seems good, but I am not going to get my expectations up too high.

For those of you who just joined me, I promise I do not complain and whine in every post. I am actually a pretty upbeat person for everything life has thrown at me this past year. I have been married to the man of my dreams, my prince charming, for a little over a year now. We are a dual military status couple. He is active duty in the National Guard, and I am a traditional guardsman. I am a full time student 5 weeks away from graduating with my bachelors in Psychology, and I work full time in and emergency room, which I absolutely love.....most of the time. On April 20th, 2010 Foster and I lost our first and only child, Rosalynn @ 34weeks5days gestation, a mear 3 weeks from our scheduled c-section, to stillbirth. Three weeks after that, Mama Red, Foster's best friend's mom passed away the night before Mother's Day. She was like a second mother to him. Three weeks after that, MY best friend's mom passed away from pancreatic cancer. She was a light in my life for the past 29 years. She was one of the most selfless, caring, Christian women I have ever known, and when in six weeks three very important people in my life passed, I was rocked to the core. I have been tested in so many ways. My faith, my marriage, and my sanity have all been tested these past 10 months, and I feel like I have come out stronger. My marriage has flourished and somehow become stronger that thitanium, the devil has not won in his pursuit of tearing me away from God, and my sanity....well, the jury is still out on this:-)

I thank you for joining my journey as I find ways of coping with my grief through writing, photography and my new non-profit project "Roses from Rosalynn with Project Sweet Peas". I have met so many amazing people through this blog who have enriched my life more than I could ever have imagined. Please do not be a stranger. I love comments and try to respond to any of you who take the time to write me (as long as you have the setting that allows me to reply by email to your comment on.)

God Answers Prayers in AMAZING Ways!

I mentioned that I had 2 big events other than graduation to look forward to. The first is the military ball, and the next is the Women of Faith Conference here in my town! I am ecstatic. I received an email from my great friend and fellow blogger/baby loss mom, Holly (I have blogged about her here , here and here). She told me that her and the women from Sufficient Grace Ministries were going to be coming for the conference and they wanted to invite me along. I was quick to say I would go, even before I knew about the extra kicker. One of the main speakers at the conference is someone who unknowingly helped guide me through my grief like a beacon on a lighthouse. She is the wife of one of the band members of Selah, a Christian band, the author of "I will Carry You", and she blogs over at "Bring on the Rain". 

If you are a new follower since June, I wrote about how the song "I will Carry You" has moved me to tears many times here. It plays on my music list on the bottom of my blog (in case you want to listen to it). when I found out that Angie Smith would be at the conference, I didn't care about the price, I didn't care if I had to go by myself, I was going to be there. Well, Holly informed me that not only do I get to listen to her speak, but Angie has agreed to meet with the women from the Sufficient Grace group after the conference! Can you say crazy fan right here?!?!?!?! I honestly feel that God has answered one of my prayers. I wrote Angie an email months ago from her blog. I knew I wouldn't get a response because she has THOUSANDS of followers, and probably receives thousands of email a week, but I can't deny I was a little disappointed. I poured my heart out to her, expressing how her book helped me stay out of the dark place Baby Loss Moms can be so easily pulled into.  Her strength to carry her baby diagnosed with anacephaly and stay strong in the Lord prevented me from turning my back on God when I wanted to.

I feel like this is God's way of having her "reply" to my email! I get to meet her! I get to shake her hand, and possibly even get a hug....tears are welling in my eyes as I am writing this! I am sure there will be plenty of tears when this meeting takes place also. To top it off, this is all taking place in April. As you all know, April is going to be a rough month. However, I feel like Rosie is really trying to make it easier on me. The article in Military Spouse magazine will be published in the April edition, AND this conference will be in April. We are still not entirely sure what we will be doing for Rosalynn's angleversary, but I know I want to throw a little birthday party for close friends and family, probably over Easter weekend. A balloon release is probably in order, and a cake, but I am not sure what else I should do. To my fellow BLMs: What did you do special on your baby's day? I would LOVE some suggestions!

What a Wonderful Example

This weekend was hard. For those of you who didn't already know, my grandfather passed on Monday. Yesterday was the viewing, and today was the funeral.

It was an amazing occasion. Joyous and sad all at the same time. 13 children and their spouses, ALL 55 grandchildren (for some reason I thought there were more than that), most of the 35 great grandchildren and many more friends and family all gathered in remembrance of an amazing man, my grandfather. I talked about all of his accomplishments and impact in an earlier post, but there is something that is worth mentioning. My uncle, one of the many, got up in front of everyone at the wake and talked about how one of the most important things that my grandfather was concerned about was instilling his faith into his children. In turn, he prayed that his children would instill that same faith into their children, and so on. Looking around the room, while as a family we prayed one last rosary with grandpa, I realized that his mission had been accomplished. I then started to drift off into my own thoughts as the familiar words were flowing from my lips.

Not only had my grandfather influenced his children and grandchildren, but his example reached far beyond that. One of the main reasons Foster even decided to inquire about the Catholic faith is because of the example my family has set.  My parents and my family in general are proud of their Christian/Catholic faith, and we practice it regularly. We try to live good lives and treat people properly. Foster noticed this early on in our relationship. He realized that regardless of what religion he was, I would remain faithful to mine. I would never judge him or tell him he was wrong, but he knew better than to ask me to change my faith. He realized that the traditions within my family were ones to be appreciated, and he looked up to the example we set. I have to give credit to my grandparents, on both sides. If they had not instilled these values into my parents, my sisters and I would not be continuing on the faith and traditions. Foster started to realize and appreciate his grandmother who was catholic, and started to look at her in a totally different light. He became Catholic last April, and has become a better parishioner than  me! He is knowledgeable of the faith and insists on attending mass and special events, regardless of the excuses I give. He has dedicated himself to giving back to the community by participating in Meals on wheels, Joseph's Coat, and a local soup kitchen. He has truly embraced Christ and faith, and has made me proud every step of the way.

I so badly wanted to get up and tell the story of how Grandpa has reached beyond his children and grandchildren. It has reached FAR beyond that. However, for those of you who know me, something very rare happened yesterday. I lost my voice, and I am not talking figuratively. I literally lost my voice. I was supposed to lead my family in "Danny Boy", and in the last few days, I have been warming up my voice and practicing. I have also had a severe cold/flu. I must have practiced just a little too much, because after 5 hours of talking to family and socializing at the funeral home, I arrived at my hotel room with no voice! I know I talk a lot, but I have never had my voice give up on me. Luckily for you, it hasn't affected my fingers...hahaha. As expected, I was unable to lead my family in "Danny Boy", but was glad when I heard the bagpipes playing it, because I probably would have been  off key and off rhythm.

Thank you all for all of your kind words and support over the past few days. I really REALLY appreciate it!
God Bless you all, and "May God hold you in the palm of his hands".

 

 

 

 

Grandma and Grandpa

66 yrs of marriage, 13 children, 55 grandchildren, and 35 great-grandchildren, and still as in love as the day they got married....if not more!

 Oh, by the way, can I tell you how AMAZING he looked this weekend! They did an amazing job!!

Hope.....Hope I Don't End Up Disappointed

If you noticed, I make mentions in passing about Foster and my journey in TTC (Trying To Conceive). However, I don't go into much detail, and I try not to get my hopes up too much each month. However, I can't help but feel a little hope this month. The month of December is filled with special days for me/us. For my fellow Catholics out there, this Wednesday is "The Feast of the Immaculate Conception". Foster is in New Orleans, and he found The Church of the Immaculate Conception:

compliments Google Images

to attend mass on Wednesday while I attend our home parish. Now, I am not insinuating that I expect to become knocked up without Foster present, however, it IS the "day" Mary conceived Jesus.

I am still trying to figure their math out, because that would mean her entire pregnancy lasted 17 days!!! WOW!! What I would give for my next pregnancy to last only 17 days! I know, I know, the church picks days to represent the actual day, but you would think they would have chosen a day at the beginning or end of March (in case she went a little past her due date).

But I digress....

Then, on Sunday, Foster and I will be celebrating our 1 year anniversary. 12/12 just so happens to also be the "Feast of Our Lady of Guadalupe":

google images

In the painting, she has a black bow around her waist symbolizing her pregnancy. I am not going to go into full detail of the story behind her, but if you are interested, you can read the Wikipedia version here.  Foster and I were 16 weeks pregnant with Rosalynn when we exchanged our vows. I felt a close connection with her that day, and was proud of the fact that we got married on that day.

On the 16th we will be heading back to our nation's capitol, and enjoying a much needed few days away from the stressors in life. I am hoping that if I don't have one by that time, I will get the opportunity to buy the necklace of Our Lady of Guadalupe if we get the chance to visit the The Basilica of the National Shrine of the Immaculate Conception in DC:

google images

This month I even took the time for myself and got a massage in order to ease my mind and relax my body, make it ready to conceive so to speak. We had fun. We relaxed. I threw away all the pee sticks that predict ovulation, I skipped checking my temperatures, and I focused on Foster and me.

I have a good feeling this month. I just hope I don't end up eating my words around Christmas time. So if each of you could send a little extra prayer to the big Man upstairs this week (specifically Wed and Sun), it would be much appreciated.

Sunday's Sermon

I know it has been way too long since i have posted what I learned from the Sunday service, but it is because I have not gotten the chance to go to church! I have felt like something was missing, because I have missed mass for 3 weekends in a row. THe first was because we were on a strict deadline back from North Carolina on Sunday, and HAD to be back in town to drop off the rental by 5pm. The following weekend I had drill for the National Guard, and unfortunately we were not released in time for me to make either evening masses. Then I was in Chicago with the girls. We were going to go to the evening mass when we returned on Sunday, but then we got caught in traffic for 2.5 hours on the way home so we didn't make it in time (that is a story I have yet to finish telling you guys!). So, come Hell or high water, I was bound and determined to make it this week. Thank the Lord, because our command released us early on Saturday so FOster and I were able to attend evening mass together.

I really needed this week's message. Obviously Foster and I are still trying to conceive. This was the third month of failure. I know this does not seem very long to people who have been trying to conceive for years, but as a Baby Loss Mom, there is an urgency to fill a void. Notice how I said "fill a void", and not "replace my baby". The"empty arm syndrome", not even close to the "empty nest syndrome" or the "restless leg syndrome", is what I am trying to ease the pain of. I know no other baby will take the place of Rosie, but I yearn for the day that my arms will hold a child.

"Then the Lord answered me and said: Write down the vision clearly on tablets, so that one can read it readily. For the vision still has its time, presses on to fulfillment, and will not disappoint; If it delays, wait for it, it will surely come, it will not be late." Habakkuk 2: 2-3

My feeling of urgency is useless. I must hold faith that God has his plans for me and Foster. We have no control over the timing that God has already planned for us, and we just have to continue to pray and try. It will happen in His time. I have to admit, every month that my monthly shows, it becomes harder and harder to hold to that faith. "Lord Increase our faith" (Luke 17:5) I find myself asking for this every month. I have to have faith that He knows what he is doing, and hope that the visions of being a mother come to fruition in due time.

This message at mass was just what I needed this week. I am sooooooo glad that Foster and I were able to make it to church together this week.

P.S. I LOVE my new projects from moms of Rosie's name....scroll down and check them out on the right hand side. And I also love the fact i have music to my blog now! all of the songs have to do with angels, roses, or have a special place in my heart. I figured it was time since my theme is "dancing through the garden of life". Enjoy!!!

"This Stupid Little Life"

Last evening Foster and I were watching a film I love and have seen at least seven times. American Beauty. Although there are many interpretations of this film by critics, personally I find it to be a dark humor interpreting suburban life. However, the last quote from Kevin Spacey's character, Lester, as he has died and is reflecting back on his life struck me and for the first time in seven viewings, actually meant something to me.

Lester: "I guess I could be pretty pissed off about what happened to me... but it's hard to stay mad, when there's so much beauty in the world. Sometimes I feel like I'm seeing it all at once, and it's too much, my heart fills up like a balloon that's about to burst... And then I remember to relax, and stop trying to hold on to it, and then it flows through me like rain and I can't feel anything but gratitude for every single moment of my stupid little life... You have no idea what I'm talking about, I'm sure. But don't worry... you will someday."

Every other time I hear this quote, I just wrote it off, because no, I had no idea what he was talking about. Well that all changed four months ago. When something alters your life, it alters your view on the world.

As I was driving up north to a wedding, I was driving behind a semi truck. As the wind from the truck blew the tall grass on the sides of the road, hundreds of butterflies were emerging from their hiding places and flying all around. It was spectacular. I have never seen so many butterflies in my life. Previous to April 20th, I would probably never have noticed the phenomenon that was taking place all around me. I would have been annoyed about getting stuck behind a truck going 50 MPH, and would have been looking for the next opportunity to pass him. Instead, I stayed behind him for almost two hours.

I look forward to getting off of work in the morning and seeing the sunrise. There is such a small window of time that you can see the most beautiful combination of pink and purple colors. Where the night sky and the morning sun are meeting. rays of "God's light" makes me wonder where those rays lead to, and what miracles are happening under them. Before April 20th, I would just drive down the highway as fast as I could in order to get home and get to sleep after a long 12 hour shift. Instead, I pull over and take pictures with my phone to capture the moment.


Baby Prince's smiles! Oh my! They are the most amazing thing ever! When I can make him smile, it fills me with an indescribable joy. Fortunately, Mrs. and Mr. Prince do not take their child for granted, because Baby Prince is their "rainbow baby" and they know the feeling of a loss. However, there are way too many people out there that take their children for granted. They use the TV as a babysitter, and may not notice every smile and giggle. He has been such a joy in my life, and I look forward to seeing him and spending time with him and his mom when I go to work out with Mrs. Prince. They are such a blessing in my life! Prior to April 20th, a baby's smile was nice, but it was by no means something I look forward to on a regular basis.

My dear husband. Once again, some people take for granted what they have. My heart fills with so much love and pride when I see him and hug him and kiss him, that it feels like it is going to explode. Last night he kissed me on the forehead and said, "I love you more than anything in the world, My beautiful bride." I wanted to cry with happiness. I am such a blessed woman, and I realize this.

I guess I could be pretty mad about losing my daughter. I could be, but what is the purpose? It is hard to stay mad when there is so much hope and so much beauty in this world. Instead, I count my blessings.

I hope all of you understand this one day, I hope that you all see all of the beauty that is in this world. Things that you may take for granted today, after that life altering moment, you see in a totally different lite. I truly hope none(although ALOT of you who are reading this already have) of you have to ever go through what Foster and I have. But I do pray that all of you, like Lester and I feel nothing but gratitude for every moment of this "stupid little life".

Spiritual Sunday: Bread of Life

As I have mentioned NUMEROUS times (only about every Sunday), Foster and I feel close as a family at mass on Sundays. We also are usually struck with a sadness we do not feel embarrassed about when we are there. The sermons and readings usually somehow correlate with what is going on in our lives at the moment, and almost always remind us of Rosie. However, after the sermon, the readings and the Eucharistic prayers, I thought this would end up being the very first Sunday since April 20th that would NOT remind me of my daughter. Of course I thought of her, there isn't a moment that goes by that I do not think about her, but I feel like she always makes her presence known in church, like she wants to remind us that she is looking out for us. I look forward to this every Sunday.

I was a little disappointed that my little girl didn't come to "visit" mommy and daddy today, but figured maybe she realizes we are healing, and don't need constant reminders anymore, because we just know she is there. Well, I gave up on her too soon. Before I even got the chance to open the hymnal to see what song would be played as we took communion, I heard the opening notes played on the piano and my eyes welled up with tears. They were playing the same song that we played while we took communion at her funeral "The Bread of Life." I sang with all of my heart, as tears streamed down my face I tried to keep my voice as steady as possible, because I felt as if she wanted me to sing, that she was making it a point to remind me that she IS still here with us. Foster rubbed my back and scooted just a few more inches closer. As I knelt in front of the miracle of the Eucharist, preparing to receive the Body and Blood, I thanked God for once again showing me why I love Him so much, and why I love Rosie so much. We are NEVER alone, and our prayers WILL be answered, even if it is in the form of a song as a reminder.

There will always be four songs out of the hundreds in the missal that will forever hurt my heart: Bread of life, On Eagles Wings, Be Not Afraid, and Amazing Grace. However, from now on, I will belt them out to the best of my ability while the tears fall.

I do feel bad for the man sitting in front of me, because although I was not literally sobbing, the tears were in a constant stream and fell on the bench in front of us, so I am sure he now has a big wet mark on his butt from sitting in a pool of my tears.
Here is the song....who knew it could be found on YouTube?!?! He will raise me up on the last day, and when He does, I will be greeted by my beautiful Rosie.

Another Beautiful Sunday!!

<sup>It has turned into a little bit of a pattern now. I go to church on Sunday and feel inspired. I have found the past few Sundays' homilies are what I have written about, so maybe I will try and continue this as "Spiritual Sunday" or "Sunday's Sermons". Maybe the name needs some work, so send me a comment with suggestions please!

For those of you who are unfamiliar with the Catholic faith, I will give a little back ground for this post. Unfortunately, there is a common misconception that the Catholics "Worship" Mary. I want to make it clear that the only "people" we worship are God and Jesus. We use our saints, including Mary, as roll models, people to look up to and strive to be like. We also ask them to pray for us; we pray THROUGH the saints not TO the saints. The best way to explain it is when I ask you to pray for me; that is what we do to the saints, we ask for their intercession.

Mary is the church's mother figure and today we celebrated the feast of the Assumption. The Assumption is when Mary was brought up into heaven body and soul. Today was a "Two for One Special". Feast days such as today is considered a holy day of obligation. If a holy day falls on a weekday, we are expected to attend mass that day as well as Sunday. Since the Assumption fell on a Sunday this year, we only had to attend today. It was like hitting the Catholic Lottery!! During today's sermon the priest brought up some points that hit close to home.

Can you imagine, Mary probably had her life planned out. She had met this amazing man, Joseph, that she wanted to marry. She may have wanted to just live a quiet life on a sheep farm with her husband and a few kids. All of the sudden she is approached by an angel and he tells her that her plans for the future are going to completely change. She is going to be pregnant, and not by the man she has fallen in love with. She will carry God's child. It would be hard enough to explain carrying another man's child, but try and convince someone that you are still a virgin and carrying GOD's child. She had to have been terrified. That was just the immediate future. What she did not realize is that her life would be full of hardships. She would have to witness the torture and death of her own child. There would be moments of fear, sorrow, and doubt. Then she would spend the rest of her time on earth continuing his work before being rewarded with eternity in heaven. Her response to the angel was ""I am the Lord's Servant, may it be done to me as you have said." (Luke1:38)

That is so inspirational. If only we could all embrace the unexpected in our lives as Mary did, the good, the bad and the ugly. Look deep inside yourself. Would you have responded to the angel the same way? I probably would have told him to stop pulling my leg and then I would be looking for the "Candid Camera" guy's hiding spot. I cannot honestly say I would have responded with as much faith and certainty as she did.

My life has had it's ups and down. I have wondered why I have had to go through some of the things I have, abusive relationships, money problems, and now the loss of my daughter. I may not have an angel telling me what my future holds, but I will trust that maybe there is a greater reason for all of this. Lord, I am your servant also, and let it be done onto me as you want.

I had the honor of spending some time with one of Foster's soldier's family today. While the men worked on Foster's brakes, I hung out with his wife. After talking with her for a while and watching them, I realized that they have such a wonderful marriage and a beautiful family. When you see the two of them together, you would assume they have only been married a short time. They are openly affectionate and look at each other with pure love. Surprisingly, they have been married for thirteen years! They have three handsome, smart, and very honest boys and a beautiful teenage daughter. One of the boys told Foster that he ran too slow today. I almost fell out of my chair I was laughing so hard, and then he told me I laughed like the Joker and like his grandmother. You must admit, "kids say the darnedest things".

I thoroughly enjoyed myself. I just ask one thing from God. No matter what he throws at me, I can handle it as long as Foster is by my side. I pray that we are as happy as this couple are thirteen years from now. I know they have had their ups and downs, and as one of their sons said, "Mom, you and dad just fought today." It just seems to make them stronger and closer. This is what I pray for. Just as Joseph was Mary's rock and stood by her through it all as her loving spouse, I know I can take on anything head on as long as Foster is standing next to me.</sup>

No More Fear

With being a baby loss mommy, there are a lot of new fears that come with it. You are so much more aware of the how precious each moment and each day is, and you start to worry about losing other loved ones. However, I think the most universal fear amongst the Baby loss community is the outcome of the next pregnancy. For those of you who are unfamiliar with the baby loss lingo, the baby following a loss is considered the "rainbow baby". A rainbow baby is the understanding that the beauty of the rainbow does not make you forget about the storm that preceded it. It does not mean the storm never happened, or that you are not still dealing with the aftermath.It means that something beautiful and full of life has appeared in the midst of the darkness, and it provides a balance of energy and hope. However, there are always mixed emotions of excitement and fear when you become pregnant with your rainbow baby, at least I can imagine, because I have not had the opportunity to witness it first hand yet.

I had the the opportunity to sit and talk to my aunt this weekend while I stayed with her for the wedding, and in our conversation the fear of a subsequent pregnancy was raised. I told her that I was slightly relieved when we were not pregnant again this month because I was not entirely sure if I was ready for the anxiety that would accompany it.

After the wedding yesterday, I made my way an hour drive to meet up with Foster. He was taking part in some training for the Army, and instead of heading home and spending the next few nights alone, I went to spend the rest of the weekend with him. One of the things that Foster and I look forward to every week is going to church together. We both agree that we feel so close to each other and close to Rosie when we are singing and praying in the Lord's house. I have mentioned before that it usually happens that the sermons seem to correlate to what is going on in my life at that moment. Well, today was not an exception.

The message today was about fear. Why do we fear, how do we stop ourselves from just trusting and not fearing? It is human for us to fear rejection, fear failure, fear the past repeating itself. So how do we overcome this and just trust that the Lord knows what he is doing and that in reality, we cannot control everything. Sure, we can control the temperature in our house, and control our weight, etc, but no matter how hard we try, there are times we have to just give our fear, hopes and dreams over to God. I don' t know how we can stop this fear. However, what I heard today in church will definitely stick with me through the next pregnancy, and whenever I feel fear creeping into my heart.

Father Tom at St. Dominick's said (not word for word) That when Moses was afraid of the burning bush, and asked who he should tell the Israelites who God was, God responded "I am Who Am".

He does not want us to live in fear of the past and dwell on the things that we have done, because he is not "I am Who was."
He does not want us to fear for the future. We should not dwell on the what if's and fear what could happen, because he is not "I am Who will be."
However, we should live in the moment, strive to be the best person we can be, and trust in the Lord, because in the end, the kingdom of the God is ours.

I really started to reflect and think about how powerful this is. I cannot control how another pregnancy will pan out. We can do everything in our power here on earth to prevent the same thing from happening, but there have been instances of women losing their baby while they were in the hospital. So, I had this incredible revelation. I AM ready. I am officially ready for when God decides to bless us with another life. Instead of fearing every moment, and having anxiety, I am going to enjoy every moment I have with my next child. If those moments are only meant for the womb, then I will be grateful for those, but I will trust in the Lord and hope for a healthy child.

"Trust in the Lord with all your heart, and do not lean on your own understanding. In all your ways acknowledge him, and he will make straight your paths. Be not wise in your own eyes; fear the Lord, and turn away from evil."
Proverbs 3: 5-7

I will have a treat in a couple of days for all of you. Foster has been hit pretty hard this past week. I do not know if he tried to suppress his feelings for too long, but he has had some inspiration and wants to submit an entry to my blog world. He wants me to edit his grammar and change the names, but soon you will see how he has been dealing with the loss of our daughter. It is really heartfelt, and I was really touched that he wrote his thoughts on feelings down. For those of you who do not know Foster, and for those of you who do, this will be a special treat, because he is not open with his feelings. He has his reasons, which he will explain to you in his blog.

Thanks and Praise

Thank you guys. I am amazed at how blessed Foster and I are with friends and family! You guys are what have helped us through. Like I said don't worry, I will be fine. I was warned about these moments, and as one of my dear friends said, "Healing happens in that dark place." I embrace these dark places, I "ride the wave of grief", because it is in these sad and dark moments that the healing does happen and I can feel Rosie wrapping her arms around me trying to console me. I wake up every morning (or afternoon like today..lol) and thank God for the many gifts I do have. You know what they say, Thank, Praise and Then Ask. So I thank God for all of you, for Foster, for the home I have. I praise God for all of the amazing things he has created, like the beautiful lives that are about to enter this world, and the happy, healthy little boy for whom I have absolutely fallen in love with (Baby Prince), and then ask Him to lead me in the right direction, give me strength, give me hope, and IF it is in His plan, give Foster and I the family we have prayed for. I told Foster about the 0.0 Hcg from the blood draw yesterday and he was actually sad about it. I asked, "Are you disappointed? You were really hoping I was pregnant weren't you?"

He replied "Every month I will hope you are, and will probably be disappointed if you are not."
I told him, "Don't worry, Bug, JJ and I are heading to Vegas in September, and you know what happened last time," We fought the entire time I was in Vegas last time, when I got home we made up in Nashville, and next four weeks we found out we were expecting. Maybe a trip to Nashville is in order too! Needless to say, I did not expect Foster to be sad about the BFN (in Baby Loss World that means Big Fat Negative).

I DO have another blog to finish and post today, an update about our ornery little dogs, but I have to go pick up Bug and help her get her car out of the tow lot. Oh the life of Bug, that is an entirely different story. I could create an entirely new blog off her adventures! Enjoy this beautiful day, and once again, thank you all for your love and support.

The Foot Washer

Once again, it has been a very busy, somewhat stressful weekend. If you recall, a few weeks ago Mama JJ passed. They had a beautiful Catholic service for her in New York and spread her ashes over the Allegheny River. The Allegheny empties into the Ohio, so she can be in both New York where she grew up, and in Ohio where she raised her daughter and spent a large portion of her life. On Saturday June 26th her family had a beautiful memorial service for her in Newark, Ohio at the teen center that she helped establish.

Mama JJ was a TRUE Christian. She was one of the most beautiful women you could ever have the honor of meeting. She did not just preach being a Christian, judge if you were not the same religion as she was, or talk about doing good things, she actually DID them. She embodied the meaning of love and selfless service and her memorial service was a testimony to her amazing life.

There were over three hundred people present. Every single one of them she had touched in some way, shape or form. There were songs sung, music played, slide shows, and even the flight of an eagle(Lincoln is his name) to honor her life. There was a group of "teens" present that 5-10 years ago would be considered "high risk". Most came from bad families, contemplated suicide, were big into drugs, or were delinquents. Now, today, thanks to Mama JJ and the teen center, they are still alive, most have become Christians and are thriving in society. She took the kids that society and everyone else ignored and disregarded and took them under her wing. Her husband and her also took some of these kids into their own home. There were times when Mama and Papa JJ were struggling to make ends meat on their own, but were still open and willing to help these kids and and give them all that they could, because as the old saying goes, "God will provide." They somehow made it work. The pastor described her perfectly as "The Foot Washer".

For me, Mama JJ was like a second mother. JJ and I have been friends for going on 29 years and we are more like sisters than friends. We have lived together for a total of 6 years, and like sisters, we can fight like cats and dogs. There were times that if we got in a big fight Mama JJ would call me after hearing JJ's side of the story and ask for mine. She would give me advice, say things like "I don't know where she got that, I taught her better than that," and made me feel better. She never took sides, never judged. I thought for sure JJ knew about these talks, until I was talking to her a week ago, and told her about it. Mama JJ kept our conversations and everything said to herself. She loved me like family.

JJ and Foster did not get along all that well at first. They are way too much alike and their type A personalities clashed from time to time. Mama JJ knew this, and despite this knowledge, the first time she met Foster she fell in love. She adored him and welcomed him with open arms regardless if JJ liked him or not. Luckily, with time, JJ and Foster have become friends and have a mutual respect for each other.

I could go on and on about what an amazing woman she was but would never completely do her justice. She was full of understanding and grace. Even up to the moment she took her last breath. She never complained about the cancer, never complained about the pain. When I was in the hospital after losing Rosie, she called me and said, "Erin, I am so sorry. I love you so much, and although you do not want to hear this, I will be joining Rosie very soon. As soon as I get up there, I am going to steal her out of the arms of your granny and hug her for you." I have no doubt that she went straight to heaven. I have no doubt that Jesus personally escorted her himself, and I have no doubt that the three of them are enjoying each others company, waiting for JJ's family and my family to join them. Just as Jesus bore his cross and the pain of crucifixion, Mama JJ endured her pain to be rewarded with eternity in heaven. And just as Mary endured the pain of losing her child but continued to do his work and mission, I bear the pain of losing Rosie, but will continue the mission in her name and in Jesus' name. If I can become half the woman that Mama JJ was and make half the impact on this world, I will consider my life a success.

I urge each of you to take Mama JJ as an example, and try each day to give. Whether it be as simple as a smile to a stranger, to as dedicated as missionary work in a third world country, we can all give a little of ourselves and follow in the footsteps of "The Foot Washer".

A Road paved by Rose

What is normal? I have been told by numerous people that I am "unique", that I am not "normal" (in a good way). I have to admit, before losing Rosie, I was a completely different person. Don't get me wrong, I am still Erin. I still love life, enjoy people, and have passion for everything I love, but I am different. These past eight weeks have changed me, for the good.

When Foster and I joined our church, they constantly talk about ministry. There are a ton of ministries we can join in our church: choir, grounds crew, St. Vincent de Paul charity foundation, Eucharistic Minister, the list is endless. When I was pregnant with Rosie, I was sure that the ministry I would be best at was the choir since I love to sing, and was in choir for years. I was determined to join as soon as Foster finished RCIA. Well, three weeks later, we lost our daughter. Now singing is a very emotional thing for me, especially in church because every time I would sing, Rosie would flip, kick and roll, as if she were dancing to my song. Now, it saddens me to sing, because she has to enjoy the music from heaven. So I started praying for God to show me what ministry I should focus on now.

About 4 weeks ago I went to my favorite salon to get my hair done. The last time my hair stylist saw me, I was 6 months pregnant, so she was devastated when she heard our story. She was completely inspired by how strong I was and how well Foster and I were dealing with the situation. I left the salon with a beautiful new hairstyle, and a new bounce in my step. As I was leaving, another client walked in. As my stylist, Sara, talked with this woman, she started to tell the new client my story. This woman happens to be a founder of a non-profit organization that helps families who are suffering similar circumstances as Foster and I. Sara thought it was a sign from God that she walked in moments after I walked out, so she got contact information, and passed it on to me.

I called "Kami", and have been inspired. I feel as if God answered my prayers, and has shown me what my ministry is supposed to be. Kami mentioned my uniqueness also. Although they have many people on their board and involved with this group, I am unique in the fact that I have a late term loss, and according to her, I am coping better than most mommies she has worked with. She is "amazed at my strength", and feels I can help future families that will feel this pain. I explained to her, just like everyone else, that I do not feel strong, I just feel like this happened to me for a reason, and even if I will never know the reason, I am bound and determined to make a positive reason our of this experience.

For those of you who know me, you know I have been a little scatter brained through life. I have changed schools three times, changed majors about seven time, moved over 13 times in ten years, and held numerous jobs. In the past year, I have grounded myself, gotten married, moved into a house, and am 2 quarters from finishing my degree. I was researching my options for the future when all of this happened. Although nothing is set in stone yet, for the first time in a long time, I feel like I have a purpose, that I have a direction, and this path was paved by Rosie. If I can help just one mother through the pain I have endured, help one family through this journey, I will feel like Rosie's life and my pain has purpose.

I have to admit, I am a little scared. If you remember, I have mentioned how I feel the Devil is, unsuccessfully, trying to destroy Foster and I and our family. Kami said something that hit close to home. She warned me that since she started her ministry, the Devil has been very prominent. He has tried over the past 5 years to destroy her family, her faith, her ministry, and now her health. She claims that since she started this organization, her life has become more difficult because Satan hates it when people try to do God's work. However, no matter how hard Satan tries, he has been unsuccessful in ruining her goals, and God has stepped in to protect her when things have gotten too bad. I KNOW that this is what I am supposed to get involved in, and I just pray that God keeps me strong, and I do not get discouraged if life throws me obstacles in the months and years to come.

So, am I "unique"? Am I "abnormal" (in a good way)? I don't think so. I think that I am just a grieving mother trying her hardest to give meaning to her daughter's death.