Bag Deliveries!! (Long Overdue Post!)

This is LONG overdue! I have made two deliveries so far. The first was a single bag and the second was a group of 11 bags to the bereavement group at OSU medical center.




The first bag delivery was a very emotional one for me. I received a phone call from my sister telling me that a baby in their NICU would be taken off the ventilator later that morning, and was wondering if I happened to have a bag in my car. I said I didn't, but when I got off of work, I would head home and grab one and bring it back to the hospital. When I got off at 6am, I drove home, and the tears started streaming. I was overcome with the grief for this family, for myself, for my precious baby girl, and for this precious baby girl who would be passing in a matter of hours. It was a hard delivery. I pulled up to the front of the hospital still in tears. My sister met me because I was not ready to meet a family in this process. One day maybe, but not yet, my own grief is still too fresh and raw. Bug had tears in her eyes ass well. She was supposed to get off at 7am, but decided to stick around until the family showed up in order to present them with the bag, and be with them as they said goodbye to their daughter. I honestly don't know how she does it. She is one strong cookie! From what Bug told me, the mom was extremely thankful for the items in the bag, and will cherish them forever. that is all I want to hear! This is why I do this!



For Rosalynn's first birthday in Heaven, I wanted to make a delivery to the hospital I gave birth to her in. So on April 19th, exactly one year from the day that I walked into those doors only to find out my beautiful daughter's heart had stopped, I met with Joan.



Joan has been an integral part of my healing process. She is one of the chaplains at Ohio State University Medical center that deals with baby loss. She took Rosie and bathed her, dressed her, and presented her to me all wrapped in her pink knitted blanket to be baptized. She sat with me for hours and let me cry. She spent time with my family and most of all treated my beautiful angel with love and respect. She found a beautiful dress to put my baby girl in that we ended up burrying her in. She also rounded up a memory box that now holds the few things I have to cherish.



My sister and Aunt walked into the hospital and were greeted with hugs and smiles. Joan was ecstatic to see me after this whole year, and was even more thrilled to find out we were expecting Rosie's brother or sister. We sat in her office and talked for a good hour. She told us that she had just come from a family who lost their baby that day. This makes me so sad that a project like mine is even needed! I ached for that family, because exactly one year ago we had been in the same situation. I know the hell they will be going through for the next few months; the questions, the pain, the dark places. At that moment, the family felt like there would be no tomorrow, that their lives had ended. Yes, their lives had ended the way that they have known them, but all I wanted to do was go up there, hug the mom and dad, and tell them that things will get better, that the pain will never really go away, but the days will get easier to get through. I was living proof that one year later I was smiling, pregnant again, and filled with hope; feelings that on April 19/20th 2010 I never thought I would experience again.



Of course we took pictures!

See the embroidery? My aunt did that! And on the back of the bags is the Project Sweet Peas Logo...i LOVE the bags!! And I love all the little Bear heads peeking out from the top:-)

Bug, Me and Joan



In the Arms of Angels

Last night was a pretty emotional one. Back in His Arms Again held the first silent auction fundraiser. It went off without a hitch, and there were a lot more guests than I had expected. I was a little ashamed of myself because I have been so busy with work and school, getting ready to graduate, and working on roses from Rosalynn and my photography, that time had ran away with me, and I was unable to really help. the auction had originally been my idea, and the board took the idea and ran with it. They did an amazing job!!

It was held in a local church's banquet hall. Decorated with beautiful candles, and flowers, soft lighting and calming music. The theme was "In the Arms of Angels". A great spread of food and wine, cake and coffee were offered. Kam and her husband spoke of their losses and the start of the ministry. I had hear the story many times from Kam, and knew about her two losses, so I figured it wouldn't make me cry. Boy was I wrong! When she described laying on the exam table at her doctors, waiting to see her baby's heart beat, and hearing those 7 awful words that flip your life upside down, "I'm sorry, your baby has no heartbeat", I lost it. I looked over at Foster who was holding one of the other guest's twin baby girl, and he had tears streaming down his eyes. I know what was running through his head. I know at that moment he was reliving that moment in his mind too.

Then they featured a video of a family who recently lost their daughter after a two week stay in the NICU, and eventually went up to heaven. This is one of the MANY families that BIHAA helped over the past six years. It was heart breaking, and I continued to cry through the presentation. If their goal was to pull at people's heartstrings and cause them to donate, I am sure it worked!

I donated a photo session to the auction. A 1.5 hour session and free CD of pictures. I was more than happy to do this for the ministry. My mom was stalking the auction tables. She was bidding on a rosary made out of buckeyes, and a basket full of Starbucks coffee and goodies. It was pretty amusing to watch. She refused to lose either, so she over bid the estimated value of both items. She figured it was all going to charity, so why not! She is so funny. I had an amazing time with Foster, mom, dad, JJ and Mr. JJ. I was so happy that they accompanied me to support an organization that is near and dear to my heart. If any of you would be interested in what BIHAA does and what their mission is, check out this website:backinhisarmsagain.com. There is a list of their services and a button on the bottom to donate. It is not just limited to the state of Ohio, they have helped families all over the country, so if you know anyone who has lost a baby, it doesn't matter how old (5 weeks gestation-3 years old, it doesn't matter) feel free to direct them to this website.

TAX EXEMPT!!!!

I would like to announce that it is official. After waiting and much hard work from our Project Sweet Peas board members, Project Sweet Peas is officially a501(c)3 tax exempt non-profit organization! I have mentioned before that PSP is a non-profit, but we finally have our tax exempt status now! what does this mean? Anyone who sends a donation to Roses From Rosalynn (or any other local PSP project for that matter) will be mailed the paper work to apply it to their taxes at the end of the year. It gets better! If you donated since I got Roses From Rosalynn up and running (around OCT/NOV) and you have not filed your 2010 taxes, you can message me and I will send you the form for last year. I am thrilled to be a part of this amazing group of women who are so dedicated to helping other families in  time of need.

This tax exempt status will hopefully open doors wide for more donations from bigger companies, along with grants. Let's get Roses from Rosalynn all through Ohio, and Project Sweet Peas in all 50 states! If you are interested in starting your own local project, email me, or log onto Projectsweetpeas.com and send an email their way and express your interest.

Thank you everyone for your continued support and generosity!

God Answers Prayers in AMAZING Ways!

I mentioned that I had 2 big events other than graduation to look forward to. The first is the military ball, and the next is the Women of Faith Conference here in my town! I am ecstatic. I received an email from my great friend and fellow blogger/baby loss mom, Holly (I have blogged about her here , here and here). She told me that her and the women from Sufficient Grace Ministries were going to be coming for the conference and they wanted to invite me along. I was quick to say I would go, even before I knew about the extra kicker. One of the main speakers at the conference is someone who unknowingly helped guide me through my grief like a beacon on a lighthouse. She is the wife of one of the band members of Selah, a Christian band, the author of "I will Carry You", and she blogs over at "Bring on the Rain". 

If you are a new follower since June, I wrote about how the song "I will Carry You" has moved me to tears many times here. It plays on my music list on the bottom of my blog (in case you want to listen to it). when I found out that Angie Smith would be at the conference, I didn't care about the price, I didn't care if I had to go by myself, I was going to be there. Well, Holly informed me that not only do I get to listen to her speak, but Angie has agreed to meet with the women from the Sufficient Grace group after the conference! Can you say crazy fan right here?!?!?!?! I honestly feel that God has answered one of my prayers. I wrote Angie an email months ago from her blog. I knew I wouldn't get a response because she has THOUSANDS of followers, and probably receives thousands of email a week, but I can't deny I was a little disappointed. I poured my heart out to her, expressing how her book helped me stay out of the dark place Baby Loss Moms can be so easily pulled into.  Her strength to carry her baby diagnosed with anacephaly and stay strong in the Lord prevented me from turning my back on God when I wanted to.

I feel like this is God's way of having her "reply" to my email! I get to meet her! I get to shake her hand, and possibly even get a hug....tears are welling in my eyes as I am writing this! I am sure there will be plenty of tears when this meeting takes place also. To top it off, this is all taking place in April. As you all know, April is going to be a rough month. However, I feel like Rosie is really trying to make it easier on me. The article in Military Spouse magazine will be published in the April edition, AND this conference will be in April. We are still not entirely sure what we will be doing for Rosalynn's angleversary, but I know I want to throw a little birthday party for close friends and family, probably over Easter weekend. A balloon release is probably in order, and a cake, but I am not sure what else I should do. To my fellow BLMs: What did you do special on your baby's day? I would LOVE some suggestions!

It is Approaching...and Other Random Thoughts

So, I officially wish there was a way that I could get an application that filters pregnancy and baby announcements. I just saw that a girl I know who had her baby 1 month before I lost Rosalynn is due with baby # 2 sometime in May. Am I happy for them OF COURSE, but it is like another reminder of what I don't have and do not have on the way. I was hoping I would be pregnant with my rainbow before any of my friends who were pregnant with me were pregnant with their next child. Oh well, life goes on and the world continues to go around regardless of what has gone on in my life. I can't expect everyone to put their lives on hold until I get pregnant again. All I can do is pray that God will bless us too.

On a happier note, October 15th is Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness Day. I have been contacting local radio stations to inform them and ask them to please mention it at some point in the day. I was contacted by the local television news lady who wants to talk to me. Apparently she was already working on a story for that day. I missed her call when I was in class, so I was a little disappointed, I emailed her when I got home, so hopefully she contacts me again.

Kam and I are rolling with the silent auction for Back in His Arms Again. There is a board meeting this Thursday that I will not be able to attend thanks to work, but the ideas of the auction will be presented, and hopefully not turned down. I will keep updating about the organization. However, if anyone is interested in donating to BIHAA, click here and make sure to select Back in His Arms Again in the pull down bar. The money will go directly to the ministry. IT will help educate hospitals, financially help families of loss, and any penny WILL make a difference. You will receive a thank you card and tax write off papers. I will keep a button on the side of my blog for anyone interested donating in the future.

I decided after this weekend that I think I should be the full time soldier, and Foster should be the housewife. He had dinner on the table both evenings, and when I got back from drill on Sunday, he had the house clean!!! That is right, the floors were swept, the rugs vacuumed, the sink was clean and dishes put away. I thought I walked into the wrong house! I could not be any happier. My love cup was definitely full! I consider myself blessed to have such an amazing husband!

I also want everyone to know I have a solution for our national security. We need to hire the lady at the VFW. Foster and I stopped by to find out the price for renting the hall for the silent auction. We got to the door, and you have to be buzzed in. There is a key card access but this must be a new feature, because Foster and I have not been there in months. We could here the lady bartender saying "I don't know who they are. Should I let them in?"

Seriously!??! Foster was holding up his membership card WITH that post's # on it, and they were still wondering if we "belonged". After Foster pointed out that he was a paying member, and that he had not been there for a few months, she finally let us in. I was annoyed but slightly impressed by their security measures. You would think they were screening for terrorists. This could be the solution to our security problems!! She should be head of national security.

The Foot Washer

Once again, it has been a very busy, somewhat stressful weekend. If you recall, a few weeks ago Mama JJ passed. They had a beautiful Catholic service for her in New York and spread her ashes over the Allegheny River. The Allegheny empties into the Ohio, so she can be in both New York where she grew up, and in Ohio where she raised her daughter and spent a large portion of her life. On Saturday June 26th her family had a beautiful memorial service for her in Newark, Ohio at the teen center that she helped establish.

Mama JJ was a TRUE Christian. She was one of the most beautiful women you could ever have the honor of meeting. She did not just preach being a Christian, judge if you were not the same religion as she was, or talk about doing good things, she actually DID them. She embodied the meaning of love and selfless service and her memorial service was a testimony to her amazing life.

There were over three hundred people present. Every single one of them she had touched in some way, shape or form. There were songs sung, music played, slide shows, and even the flight of an eagle(Lincoln is his name) to honor her life. There was a group of "teens" present that 5-10 years ago would be considered "high risk". Most came from bad families, contemplated suicide, were big into drugs, or were delinquents. Now, today, thanks to Mama JJ and the teen center, they are still alive, most have become Christians and are thriving in society. She took the kids that society and everyone else ignored and disregarded and took them under her wing. Her husband and her also took some of these kids into their own home. There were times when Mama and Papa JJ were struggling to make ends meat on their own, but were still open and willing to help these kids and and give them all that they could, because as the old saying goes, "God will provide." They somehow made it work. The pastor described her perfectly as "The Foot Washer".

For me, Mama JJ was like a second mother. JJ and I have been friends for going on 29 years and we are more like sisters than friends. We have lived together for a total of 6 years, and like sisters, we can fight like cats and dogs. There were times that if we got in a big fight Mama JJ would call me after hearing JJ's side of the story and ask for mine. She would give me advice, say things like "I don't know where she got that, I taught her better than that," and made me feel better. She never took sides, never judged. I thought for sure JJ knew about these talks, until I was talking to her a week ago, and told her about it. Mama JJ kept our conversations and everything said to herself. She loved me like family.

JJ and Foster did not get along all that well at first. They are way too much alike and their type A personalities clashed from time to time. Mama JJ knew this, and despite this knowledge, the first time she met Foster she fell in love. She adored him and welcomed him with open arms regardless if JJ liked him or not. Luckily, with time, JJ and Foster have become friends and have a mutual respect for each other.

I could go on and on about what an amazing woman she was but would never completely do her justice. She was full of understanding and grace. Even up to the moment she took her last breath. She never complained about the cancer, never complained about the pain. When I was in the hospital after losing Rosie, she called me and said, "Erin, I am so sorry. I love you so much, and although you do not want to hear this, I will be joining Rosie very soon. As soon as I get up there, I am going to steal her out of the arms of your granny and hug her for you." I have no doubt that she went straight to heaven. I have no doubt that Jesus personally escorted her himself, and I have no doubt that the three of them are enjoying each others company, waiting for JJ's family and my family to join them. Just as Jesus bore his cross and the pain of crucifixion, Mama JJ endured her pain to be rewarded with eternity in heaven. And just as Mary endured the pain of losing her child but continued to do his work and mission, I bear the pain of losing Rosie, but will continue the mission in her name and in Jesus' name. If I can become half the woman that Mama JJ was and make half the impact on this world, I will consider my life a success.

I urge each of you to take Mama JJ as an example, and try each day to give. Whether it be as simple as a smile to a stranger, to as dedicated as missionary work in a third world country, we can all give a little of ourselves and follow in the footsteps of "The Foot Washer".

A Road paved by Rose

What is normal? I have been told by numerous people that I am "unique", that I am not "normal" (in a good way). I have to admit, before losing Rosie, I was a completely different person. Don't get me wrong, I am still Erin. I still love life, enjoy people, and have passion for everything I love, but I am different. These past eight weeks have changed me, for the good.

When Foster and I joined our church, they constantly talk about ministry. There are a ton of ministries we can join in our church: choir, grounds crew, St. Vincent de Paul charity foundation, Eucharistic Minister, the list is endless. When I was pregnant with Rosie, I was sure that the ministry I would be best at was the choir since I love to sing, and was in choir for years. I was determined to join as soon as Foster finished RCIA. Well, three weeks later, we lost our daughter. Now singing is a very emotional thing for me, especially in church because every time I would sing, Rosie would flip, kick and roll, as if she were dancing to my song. Now, it saddens me to sing, because she has to enjoy the music from heaven. So I started praying for God to show me what ministry I should focus on now.

About 4 weeks ago I went to my favorite salon to get my hair done. The last time my hair stylist saw me, I was 6 months pregnant, so she was devastated when she heard our story. She was completely inspired by how strong I was and how well Foster and I were dealing with the situation. I left the salon with a beautiful new hairstyle, and a new bounce in my step. As I was leaving, another client walked in. As my stylist, Sara, talked with this woman, she started to tell the new client my story. This woman happens to be a founder of a non-profit organization that helps families who are suffering similar circumstances as Foster and I. Sara thought it was a sign from God that she walked in moments after I walked out, so she got contact information, and passed it on to me.

I called "Kami", and have been inspired. I feel as if God answered my prayers, and has shown me what my ministry is supposed to be. Kami mentioned my uniqueness also. Although they have many people on their board and involved with this group, I am unique in the fact that I have a late term loss, and according to her, I am coping better than most mommies she has worked with. She is "amazed at my strength", and feels I can help future families that will feel this pain. I explained to her, just like everyone else, that I do not feel strong, I just feel like this happened to me for a reason, and even if I will never know the reason, I am bound and determined to make a positive reason our of this experience.

For those of you who know me, you know I have been a little scatter brained through life. I have changed schools three times, changed majors about seven time, moved over 13 times in ten years, and held numerous jobs. In the past year, I have grounded myself, gotten married, moved into a house, and am 2 quarters from finishing my degree. I was researching my options for the future when all of this happened. Although nothing is set in stone yet, for the first time in a long time, I feel like I have a purpose, that I have a direction, and this path was paved by Rosie. If I can help just one mother through the pain I have endured, help one family through this journey, I will feel like Rosie's life and my pain has purpose.

I have to admit, I am a little scared. If you remember, I have mentioned how I feel the Devil is, unsuccessfully, trying to destroy Foster and I and our family. Kami said something that hit close to home. She warned me that since she started her ministry, the Devil has been very prominent. He has tried over the past 5 years to destroy her family, her faith, her ministry, and now her health. She claims that since she started this organization, her life has become more difficult because Satan hates it when people try to do God's work. However, no matter how hard Satan tries, he has been unsuccessful in ruining her goals, and God has stepped in to protect her when things have gotten too bad. I KNOW that this is what I am supposed to get involved in, and I just pray that God keeps me strong, and I do not get discouraged if life throws me obstacles in the months and years to come.

So, am I "unique"? Am I "abnormal" (in a good way)? I don't think so. I think that I am just a grieving mother trying her hardest to give meaning to her daughter's death.