A Week with Ava!!

Life has been so busy lately, I feel there aren't enough hours in the day, and hence why the last blog I wrote was over a week ago.

Avaleen is home. She has been home for a whole week now. Foster and I have been thoroughly enjoying our new little addition to our family. Ava is such a content little baby, and I am just waiting for the ball to drop. She doesn't fuss much, she doesn't cry unless we are changing her diaper, and she is happy just hanging out. When she is awake, she cracks us up with her goofy faces.

There have been a LOT of firsts in the past week. We took her to church...I know, I know, people may be mad at me for taking my 5 week preemie out in public, HOWEVER, our faith is what has kept us sane and strong over the past 18 months, and we felt as if we NEEDED to bring her there. Foster and I both got pretty emotional. We had been praying for over 2 years, and we were finally holding our precious daughter. To avoid too many people poking their fingers into her car seat, I held her in my Moby wrap to keep her close to me and away from all the germs.

We also took her out to see her big sister. This is when I lost it. I know the hormones are still wacky, but I think in the cemetery it finally hit me how sad and happy I was, how grateful, but also still a little resentful I am. How I should be introducing our newborn to our 18 month old daughter, and not to her gravestone. It was all really overwhelming, and I could no longer hold back the tears. I started crying.

We have had TONS of visitors. It was really hectic here the first weekend she was home, but things are starting to slow down a bit. It is nice to be able to hang out with Foster and Ava and enjoy being a family. Foster is absolutely in LOVE! Ava has him wrapped around her finger.

The breastfeeding is going AMAZINGLY! I am such a cow! The lactation specialist was warning me to not get upset if Ava didn't latch until closer to her due date, but just like how fast she graduated the NICU, she has amazed us with her eating skills too! The 4th day in the NICU, we tried. By the 3rd try, she was latched and fed for 10 minutes. I still supplement with pumped breast milk in a bottle, b/c she is still small and gets tired after about 10-15 minutes. It takes more energy for her to breast feed, so I usually give her an additional .5-1 oz of milk after she tuckers out.

Nights are going well. There are 3 positive things about having a baby int he NICU the first 6 days of life. 1.) Ava came home on a schedule! She is on a feeding schedule of 12-3-6-9 around the clock. This has allowed for about 2-2.5 hour stretches of sleep for Foster and I and the occasional 3 hour stretch! 2.) since she was hooked up to all the monitors and checked and monitored for 6 days, if there was any underlying heart of respiratory problem that may not have been picked up in the regular nursery, there is a great chance they would have picked up on it. 3.) she slept by herself in the incubator. This is great because she doesn't need to be held to fall asleep or stay asleep. I was TERRIFIED that she would be a baby who needed me to hold her in bed to fall asleep, and as a Baby Loss Mom, I have heard all the nightmare stories of smothering babies while co sleeping. She sleeps in a bassinet right next to our bed, and I can see into it, and it works perfectly!

OK OK...now onto what you REALLY want...the pictures of my beautiful baby girl that does NOT include tubes:-)

In her Little Sister outfit getting ready to go home!!

my sweet baby girl!!

one of her MANY goofy expressions when she is awake!

first time in her swing!

LOVES her daddy!!

our little fur-babysitter. Reagan is absolutely IN LOVE!

UH OH folks! I have a thumb sucker!!!

Ava with Rosie....tear! sorry this is a bad pic..it is w/ my phone:-)

A Glimpse Into the Past

With as busy as I have been between work, getting ready for baby, and my photo shoots, I have been slacking in blogs other than those pertaining to the pregnancy. I promise, I have a LOT more going on then just sitting around for Ava to arrive.


Take this weekend for example. It was jam packed full of excitement.

Foster has officially volunteered me to help take over his unit's family readiness group (FRG) leader position. I guess he figured since I will be a stay at home mom, I will have time to do this. So, as part of my new "job" I have to attend a few conferences to teach me how to do my new job. Our first conference was on Saturday, and although informative, it was BORING!!! Luckily I had a lot to look forward to that night.

My mom's 60th birthday was September 10th. We did a small get together with family to watch football, eat good food and then took her to watch "The Help". It was a really nice day. However, her old high school buddies had a much bigger event planned for her this weekend.

I was a part of this plan. The girls would be using my house as a base camp, bed and breakfast, local bar. They started out heading to some wineries around town. Then they would meet us at my house, have a few drinks, and then head out to the dueling piano bar down town. Well, you know what they say, "The best laid plans of mice and men often go awry".

I felt like I was in a time warp, getting a glimpse of my mother and her friends as if they were high schoolers again. They even chanted a few renditions of "We are classy, We are fine, We're the class of '69!"

We all hopped in the car to head to the piano bar, and after making it down town, we never actually made it to the bar. Just like in high school, it seems the ladies still drank as if they were in high school. One of them got sick on the way to the bar. She was down for the count. She insisted on us leaving her in the car so she could sleep, but none of us felt comfortable with that plan, because who knows what could happen to her in the big city. So we all piled back in the car and headed back to my house.

We ordered pizza, the ladies drank a few more beers, and my mom's aforementioned friend slept off her drunken state.

Sunday morning, Foster and I woke up to head to church, but before heading out, I made a fruit salad and Cinnamon rolls to tide che ladies over till we got back and I was able to make my homemade quiche for brunch.

We came back from church, hung out on the patio, ate quiche and fruit salad, and enjoyed each other's company for a couple more hours. Then after all the ladies left, I headed out for not one, but TWO photo shoots.

So just a glimpse at my last weekend, you can see how BUSY I have been. It has helped me keep my mind of the stress of this pregnancy, and has really helped with my anxiety. However, now you all know why I have been so bad about writing about things OTHER than the pregnancy.

What did you do to keep busy last weekend?

HAHAHA...Take THAT IRS!

Foster and I got married back in 2009. We also bought a house that same year. In terms of taxes and the government, we had a lot of changes.

Foster LOVES tackling the taxes on his own, because he considers it like a puzzle. He loves math and percentages, calculations, etc.  Despite all the changes, he decided to file our taxes as opposed to going to an accountant. He did his research on the new home buyer tax credit, marriage breaks, etc. and successfully filed our taxes. We got a VERY nice return that year.

Well, the IRS decided early on it didn't want to give us our return. I don't blame them. It was a pretty hefty one, and the amount of debt our nation is in, I would be checking every hefty tax return as well. We were immediately audited before receiving our check. All they asked for the first time was copies of our W2s. No problem. We sent them in and a few weeks later we had our money. Well, about a month ago we received ANOTHER letter from our beloved IRS. This time accusing us of not claiming an ABSORBENT amount of income. Close to 6 figures. Now, if we had that much income coming in that we didn't report, I can tell you we would be aware of it. Plus, Foster is one of the most honest men I know, and would never keep that much money a secret from the government. Pretty much they were saying that some of our investments should have been claimed as income. Last time I checked, you didn't claim your investments as income until AFTER you cashed them in. Of course you have to claim gains and losses, which we did, but they wanted us to claim it as INCOME! IF we claimed this amount in income, then not only would we owe the IRS a TON in taxes on that "income", but it would have put us over the maximum income to be eligible for that $8,000 new home owners tax credit. In other words, we would have to pay that back as well. With the $8,000, taxes on our unclaimed "income" and fees, according to them, we owed over $30,000!!!

You can imagine the heart attack Foster and I both had when we got this lovely letter in the mail. We just about freaked. It was at this moment that Foster decided it was time to break down and hire an accountant. Fight fire with fire.

Well, after a few weeks, we just got done with all the processing and paperwork, and guess what.....now the IRS owes US money!!! HAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!! That's right, if they had just left us alone...but NOOOOOO. They really wanted that $8,000 back, and kept pushing and kept pushing, and now it blew up in their face.

This is one of those situations where i would LOVE to walk into the IRS building and do the happy dance and laugh directly in their faces. Oh well, that would probably jsut instigate them to audit us every year, and God knows we don't want to have to deal with this every year!

Shakespeare Festival, Meeting The Phantom of the Opera, and a BLM

I mentioned that Foster has been gone WAY too much lately, so in order to make time go a bit faster, and spend some much needed time with my aunt, I headed out to Pennsylvania with my mom to attend the Pennsylvania Shakespeare Festival.

My aunt has been an actress for YEARS. She has starred in her fair share of stage performances, but has also played rolls on numerous Law and Order episodes, along with an extra roll on Revolutionary Road. I love any opportunity I get to see her perform. When I noticed she was going to be in the PSF's "Pride and Prejudice", I HAD to go and see her. Not only is P&P one of my favorite books, but I LOVE the movie starring Keira Knightly. I was even more delighted to find out she would be playing one of my favorite characters in the book, Mrs. Bennett, the mother.

She was BRILLIANT!!!! Actually, brilliant doesn't even seem to cut it. She was MADE for the role! Mrs. Bennett is a slightly obsessive, borderline crazy mom who is more than a little adamant about marrying off all of her girls to wealthy men. She truly embodied the character, and I loved watching every minute of her on the stage. Apparently so did the rest of the audience, because as her and "Mr. Bennett came out for curtain call, the crowd went nuts!

My beautiful aunt's head shot!

She is the woman in the middle sitting down surrounded by her daughters and husband.

My mom and I saw P&P twice and were also able to see Hamlet. My aunt was in that also, but unfortunately her role was a LOT smaller, and she was only on stage for a few minutes the entire performance. Although she was missing from the stage, I still thoroughly enjoyed the play.

On Saturday night, my aunt informed us to be on the look out for her friends Brad and Barbara. She described them and told us they were in theater as well. My mom and I ran into them, and started idle chit chat as we waited for my aunt to emerge from backstage. The man asked me about my favorite shows I had seen, "My all time favorite was Phantom of the Opera! Hands down!!"

"When did you see it and where?" he asked.

"I believe it was around 2005/2006 in Columbus, Ohio." I replied.

"Well, if it was one of those years, I was the actor playing the Phantom."

I was dumbfounded! I was soooo excited to be meeting this incredible actor. I could listen to him talk all day, and trust me, if indeed that was him on stage, I could listen to him sing every moment of my life. The interesting thing, is after spending the evening with him and his wife, they are both successful in their trade, and they are the most humble people I have met in a long time.

I spent 3 amazing days with my aunt and my mom, and I am so glad I was able to go. It may look like I will get to see her on the "big screen" soon as well! The contract is not finalized, but it looks like she may be in a small budget horror film! I am so proud of her!

On the way home, I was blessed enough to meet up for lunch with one of my best Baby Loss Moms/Rainbow Mommies. Foster and I met up with her and her husband last winter in D.C.. Since her town was only about 10 minutes off the highway we were traveling, I could not pass up the opportunity to see her. Unfortunately, we were only able to meet up for about 1.5 hours, but every minute was worth it!

It was a great weekend, and definitely a great way to make the time go by faster, because unfortunately the time FLEW by!

Fourth of July

Although missing Rosalynn is something that I do just every day, it's times like this weekend that make me miss her even more.

My parents always have some sort of Fourth of July celebration out at the farm. Foster and I always try to make it out, and usually succeed. This year we decided to head out the day before because he wanted to get some groundhog hunting in, zero out his new gun and scope, and I just wanted to relax.

Sunday was the big party. We had family and friends from all over show up, including my cousin with her beautiful two week old baby girl. Although the newborn made me excited for Avaleen to arrive, I mostly felt the sting of pain for the loss of Rosalynn. there is just something about little babies that make me miss her. Although she would be 15 months now, I will always picture her as a 5lb12oz baby girl, not a 15 month old, because that is the only way I ever saw her. I imagine what she may look like and be like at 15 months, but I only KNOW her as a newborn.

I started thinking about how this past 15 months of holidays have been missing someone, and then I realized that is how it will be from now on. No matter how many years pass, and no matter how many more children I have, there will always be someone missing. Presents missing from under the tree, one stocking missing from the mantle, one less hot dog eaten, one less pumkin carved, one less costume made/bought, one less Easter basket filled. It hurts my heart that for the next 40+ years, I will always have that feeling of incompleteness on the holidays.

Don't get me wrong, we had a lot of fun. The smell of slightly burnt hot dogs and juicy hamburgers filled the air while my cousins and uncles played games of cornhole. We had the horses out for the kids, and the sounds of James Taylor, Fleetwood Mac, Simon and Garfunkle, and other classics played in the background while conversations of family, college, vacations, and summer fun could be heard. There were so many people there, more people than I think even my mom expected, but there was just one little 15 month old missing. She should have been riding on the back of my horse with Foster, trying the many different foods available, and toddling after the four sheltie dogs that were running around, trying to avoid having her cookie stolen by one of them. She would have been donning her Red White and Blue summer dress, and IF she had any hair (I was bald till I was 2) I would have put it up in pigtails with a red and blue ribbon in each. She would have gotten to meet her 3rd cousin Caroline who is 2 and a half, and CC (the newborn) to see what her baby sister, Ava would be like in about 18 weeks. Then she would have clapped her little hands as her daddy set off all the pretty fireworks. And maybe, just maybe Foster would have been a little more cautious in setting the fireworks off since his daughter would be sitting in the crowd.

That's right, Foster ALMOST killed us AGAIN with fireworks! (Just read THIS post to get an idea of how we should have learned our lesson by now...Rule #5) He lit one in his hand and as he went to throw it in the air, the stick part apparently broke and the firework part came flying our way instead of out towards the field! Scared the living day lights out of us!

Overall it was a great weekend that I got to spend with the people that I care about most in my life, except poor Bug, she had to work. As we started setting off our fireworks for the closing of the party, I noticed there was some lightning high in the clouds to our west, and couldn't help but smile and think how Rosie must take afrter her dad, and was partaking in a little firework show of her own!  She may not have been with us there in person, but I definitely felt her all around us!

Rosie's First Heavenly Birthday Post

I know, I know, this is way long overdue, along with my kitchen remodel post. But, as I mentioned before, it was all about getting motivated to empty my memory card. Having a 16MB card is sometimes a bad thing.

Leading up to Rosalynn's birthday, I was nervous. There were so many feelings and emotions that correspond with her day, and they were becoming overwhelming. I am sure that the new pregnancy hormones were not helping a whole lot, but it was also the pregnancy that was exacerbating these emotions.


April 20th loomed over my head, and to me it almost seemed like a jinxed day. I was terrified that I would wake up in the morning and this pregnancy would end, or some other tragedy would happen in my family. I don't know why I was feeling this way, probably just because my life will always be defined as "Life before April 20th 2010" versus "Life after April 20th 2010".

I didn't know what exactly to expect. If she was here on earth, we would have had a HUGE celebration with both sides of the family, friends of mine and all the kids her age too. However, how do you go about celebrating the short life in my womb and her death? Some people voiced their disagreement with a memorial/celebration. Of course, for those of you who have followed me and gotten to know me, or know me in real life, I choose to ignore people like this and do what I feel is right. I felt like she deserved a celebration and fortunately, most agreed.

Rosalynn has touched so many lives, more lives than some people who have lived for 50+ years could ever come close to touching, and for that I think she deserved a celebration.


I knew one thing, I did NOT want to be alone on this day. Foster had an exercise he had to attend for his unit, but said he would try to get off early, if not, we would have the evening together. I should have known at that moment that my family would never have let me go through this day alone. I think they needed me as much as I needed them. I didn't even have to ask, my mom and sister took the day off of work, and JJ got off around noon. I also got a call from my aunt saying she was coming in from NY to spend the day with us. I can't even begin to explain how blessed I am to have a family like this.

We made plans to spend time together in the local out door mall that boasts a grand assortment of restaurants and shops. We ate at one of my favorite places, California Pizza Kitchen, and spent some time wandering around the mall, not really looking for anything in particular, but just spending time with each other.

Mid afternoon we all stopped off at the party center store in order to buy a bunch of balloons. I had decided that with the loss of my daughter, I had gained a group of friends that I felt deserved a special gift on this day. All of the women from my baby loss community have been such and integral part of my healing, and I wanted to do something to thank them. We bought 31 balloons, 15 pink for the girls, 15 blue for the boys, and one red one for my Rosalynn. JJ, Bug and I spent the next hour writing the names of babies taken too soon from their parents on the balloons and taking pictures of all of them (which will be posted at the end of this post and can be clicked on to enlarge and copied for your own enjoyment!)

we had a few casualties of war!

Us girls hard at work with the balloons!

Rosie amongst all her friends!

Rosie and Ellie (my sister's old roomie and my first nurse who took care of me and Rosie...her niece)

The notes we attached to the balloons to send up to Rosie:

We headed out to the cemetery around 4:30pm where Papa JJ, my dad, Ky, Matt, Mrs. H with baby H, and Mrs. Compass, her 2 kids and her VERY pregnant belly, my oldest sister Jan and my niece Lish joined us girls for some prayers, balloon release, and champagne/sparkling grape juice toast. Others made out notes to Rosie that were also attached to the balloons.

The day was pretty windy, and had a chill in the air. It looked like it would rain any moment. I was afraid of the balloons getting stuck in the trees of the woods across from Rosie's headstone, so Foster, Ky, Matt, Mrs. Compass' daughter and I stepped out further away from the woods to make sure they made it over the trees. Unfortunately, 2 of the three bunches of balloons got stuck in the ONLY TREE in the middle of the hill!! OF COURSE!!!

We all had a good laugh about this, because it just proved that Rosie would have been more like me than we probably wanted. She and her friends did not want to leave the party!! They wanted to stick around, and be stubborn.

balloons in trees!

uncle Mr JJ climbing the tree to release the balloons

Papa JJ and Foster lead us in prayer and we even sang a happy birthday to Rosie. I have to admit, I had been really good up until this point! As the group sang Happy Birthday, the tears started streaming. This should have been a totally different scene.

beens" at that moment.

After a lovely gathering, the majority of us headed to Rosie's favorite place to eat, Max and Erma's. Mrs. Prince and I frequented this establishment multiple times a week throughout our pregnancies. Rosie LOVED the French onion soup and Cesar salad, so I ordered it. I also had sweet tea, although it has had a tendency of making me sick through this pregnancy, Pumpkin put up with it for this one occasion.

I was given many gifts this day. Cards, phone calls, texts, and things to remember Rosie by were given to me in abundance. I was even given over $170 from my mom's school to put towards Roses from Rosalynn!

Pumpkin wasn't left out either. My sister gave me something I had not seen in exactly 362 days. The card said "To my little brother/sister From Rosalynn". They were onsies that everyone made at my baby shower exactly 3 days before we gave birth to our sleeping daughter. My sister had kept them at her place so they could dry, and although I wanted them, I was never ready to actually see them. When I pulled them out, I started crying again. So many memories of my baby girl, and she never took a single breath here on earth.

Since the JJs had yet to see the new kitchen, them and Bug and Ky came back with us and my parents and aunt to the house to eat ice cream cake. It was the one thing Foster had requested. We skipped the singing this time, because I wasn't sure my heart could handle it again, and we all dug in.

After everyone went home, Foster and I headed to bed with the puppies in tow. It had been an emotionally taxing day, but it was a beautiful one. I had gotten the chance to spend time with some of the people that mean the most to me, and who love Rosalynn as much as I do. They all decided that we had to make this a tradition. We have to continue to get together and celebrate this amazing little girl who has touched so many people!

I know there are probably things I left out, but I think I cover the most important aspects of the day. Thank you to all of you who left messages on FB and this blog. Thank you to those who "attended" my FB virtual birthday event. These small things mean SOOOOOOO much to me, you will never know! Just knowing that some of you thought about her and us on April 20th meant the world to me!!!!  So to those of you who requested your baby's names on a balloon, here they are. Feel free to copy the picture and post it on your name pages/FB/etc.