Think Before You Speak

People try so hard to comfort your fears through a pregnancy after loss. They try to tell you "everything is ok", to "have faith", and that "it won't happen again". I have to be honest here, these are the WORST things you can say to me right now. I have been trying to find the words to explain myself, when yesterday it was made clear to me how to approach this issue.

I was watching TLC yesterday, and they had a special "Pregnant and Paralyzed". The story was about a woman who had was paralyzed an pregnant with twins. Rainbow twins. She lost her son  a year or so prior to the conception of her twins. They were interviewing the grandmother and she said, "I will not tell her that everything will be okay, because honestly I can't promise her that. No one can promise her that, because we have experience the worst. The only thing I WILL promise her is that no matter what happens, no matter if the worst happens again, we will get through it. We will get through it together."

I couldn't top this quote. I couldn't have said it better myself. When talking to a baby loss parent, don't promise things you have no control of. Don't try and tell them "everything will be okay". I have witnessed not one, not two, but THREE women in my online support group find out that their babies either died @ 18 weeks, or will die because of an incurable disorder in the past 2 weeks. One of them has already experienced a full term loss and has now chosen to carry her daughter who was diagnosed with a fatal disorder called Potter's Syndrome. I am sure many people told her to relax, trust, and that everything would be okay. I am sure they are feeling like idiots right about now. The other two had experienced multiple miscarriages, and thought they were in the clear once they passed that miraculous first trimester mark. Then their worlds came crashing down when they found out their babies' hearts had just stopped beating. I am devastated, and scared.

This can happen to anyone. I don't mean to scare my currently pregnant friends who have never experienced a loss, but it could happen to you, and it can happen to me....again. The statistics are ASTOUNDING! 1 in 160 babies are stillborn (dying after 20 weeks of gestation) That is 1 in 160 pregnancies!!! You know how many pregnant women are out there? I know of at least 13 people in real life right now who are pregnant, and NUMEROUS more online that are pregnant. Approximately 20% of known pregnancies end before 20 weeks, and 80% of those are before 12 weeks. This means out of 100 births, 20 will end. 16 of these will be before 12 weeks, and 4 of these will be later than that. If you think about it, with all of the women who experience pregnancy, this means pregnancy loss is more prominent than suicide (14 out of every 100,000 population in 2010 in the US) or murder (An average of 28.7 murders per 1million people world wide). Crazy huh?  Do you feel comfortable telling a woman who already experienced a loss that "everything will be okay"?

After this, I hope none of you make the mistake of offering false hope. Instead, listen to the mom's fears without judgement. My AMAZING friend called me the other day and asked how I was doing, and although I rarely go into detail with everyone who asks this question, I did with her. I expressed my fears of being left behind again with all of these pregnant women around me. I explained my relief that I was pregnant right now and didn't have to witness all of these pregnancies without experiencing it myself, leading to feelings of jealousy and pain. She just listened. She didn't offer words of advice, for she had never been in this situation. She didn't judge me or think I was "overreacting", or that I was a "bad person" for my feelings; in fact, her response was VERY similar to that of the grandmother on "Pregnant and Paralyzed". She told me she would be here for me no matter what, and that means more to me than anything.

The only One who can make this promise to me, is God himself. He is the only one who can bring this baby here safely. I have faith that He will, but I also have faith that if He doesn't that He will provide Foster and I with the strength to get through it again.

I am slowly creeping up on 14 weeks, and although I should be relieved that the first trimester is over, I am not. I am probably more nervous than before. I feel that there is more at stake now. i have seen the baby, and it LOOKS like a baby. I swear I feel little flutters in my belly and it COULD be gas, but it could be Pumpkin.  I have a noticeably pregnant belly already, and if I lose this one, everyone will know. So if I don't act like that normal, naive, happy pregnant lady, please understand and please don't judge. And above all, please, please, please think before you speak when it comes to false hope. But I do ask that you all still continue to pray:-)

....Welcome to the life of pregnancy after loss.

God Bless

"God grant me the serenity

to accept the things I cannot change;
courage to change the things I can;
and wisdom to know the difference.

Living one day at a time;
Enjoying one moment at a time;
Accepting hardships as the pathway to peace;
Taking, as He did, this sinful world
as it is, not as I would have it;
Trusting that He will make all things right
if I surrender to His Will;
That I may be reasonably happy in this life
and supremely happy with Him
Forever in the next.
Amen.

8w4d~ Guilt!

I have been feeling very strange lately. Not depressed, not anxious, not alone, not any of the feeling I had after the loss of my Rosalynn. I just feel different. I was trying to figure out why I have been avoiding my blog, my support group, and even calling my friends, but couldn't put a definite reason behind these actions. Then, I was standing in a cafe waiting to have breakfast with my mom, dad, and Foster and talking to my mom. She hit the nail right on the head. She said she was feeling guilty about getting excited about this pregnancy because she almost felt like she was cheating on Rosie. That is it!! I feel guilty!

Rosalynn's 1st heavenly birthday is approaching fast. In fact, it is a meer 9 days away. I am grieving the loss of my daughter more and more as the day creeps closer and closer. However, I am pregnant again, and should be happy. I should be reveling in the hope of this new life, but I feel guilty. I don't want to get too excited, because I don't want my Rosie to think I forgot about her! I don't want her to think for one instance that he mommy is replacing her with this new baby. I have been getting signs left and right from her lately.

Around Christmas this past year, the funeral home sent us a beautiful engraved dove with her name on it. When we put our tree up 3 weeks later, we couldn't find it. We looked EVERYWHERE! IN every drawer, in the baskets that hold our mail, in the ENVELOPES in the baskets that hold our mail, on Foster's desk, EVERYWHERE. This past Friday I was looking for my military ID so I could head to Drill. I picked up the basket our mail is in, and glanced down; there it was. The ornament I had misplaced over 5 months ago was sitting RIGHT ON TOP! I called Foster and asked him where he had found the beautiful gift. He claimed he hadn't seen it since the last time I saw it. He admits now, HE BELIEVES IN SIGNS! He honestly thought it was a sign from Rosie.

Then, this Sunday at mass, the reading was about the raising of Lazurus from the dead. This particular reading really helped me in my early grief, because I really felt abandoned by God. However, in this passage is states "Jesus wept" with Martha and Mary, showing that he mourns with us. He is just as upset when we lose a loved one as we are, but it is a part of life. I teared up, because this was a reminder that I am not alone as April 20th quickly approaches, and i am reliving all of the sorrow in my head. THEN to top it off, "I am the bread of life", one of Rosie's funeral songs, were sung during communion. I left mass a total blubbering mess. I felt her all over the place! I have been feeling her all over the place! I don't know if it is her way of supporting me and helping me through this, or if it is her way of making sure I don't forget her. But I promise on everything that is near and dear to my heart, that I will NEVER forget my beautiful baby girl!

There is also fear. I am finding out left and right that there are more and more pregnant women around me. I have recently found out there are 2 more women at my work pregnant. That makes four of us all together. Anne, a few cousins, and numerous online buddies are pregnant as well. Of course I am THRILLED that I have so many people to experience this journey with, however I am scared. 2 of the SAME women at work, a few friends, and at least 3 cousins were pregnant when I was last. The one difference between them and me is that they all got to bring home their babies, and I was left burying mine, and watching all of theirs grow up around me. Seeing them at stages the Rosalynn should be at. I DON"T WANT THIS TO HAPPEN AGAIN!!!!! I DON"T WANT TO BE LEFT BEHIND AGAIN!!! Every girl I find out is pregnant with me is, in my mind, a potential baby I will have to watch grow up without mine in my arms. I know this sounds irrational, I know it is borderline crazy, but it is a reality for me, because it has happened once before. There is NO guarantee it won't happen again. I am not promised this child, I am not guaranteed to bring this baby home with me.....I can only hope and pray at this point.

Please be patient with me as I work through all of these mixed emotions. As April 20th approaches, my emotions are increasing, and it definitely does not help that I have pregnancy hormones raging through my body as well!

For those of you who have been waiting for an update on Pumpkin:

I am 8w4d. I have been having all day "morning sickness" but no vomiting, just a constant nausea that is eased slightly by the Zofran, but not completely. I have also been battling migraines. I explain it to my husband that I feel like I am hung over every day; except without the fun of binge drinking the night before. I feel bad for him, because although i do not complain NEARLY as often as I feel bad, he still has to deal with me moping around the house, sleeping ALOT, and lots and lots of bodily gasses due to my upset stomach. I had to move my next appointment to April 28th because I have a test in my Photography class on the 21st and they had scheduled me 1.5 hours before my class was to start. I was nervous that since the last appt. lasted 4 hours, that I would miss my midterm. So, the 28th it is! It is a regular appt with no ultra sound, HOWEVER, we SHOULD be able to hear the heart beat on doppler since we will be 11 weeks by then!! I am very excited about this!

I am showing already too! Unbelievable at this point, but I am a little over 8 weeks and look like I did when I was 18 weeks pregnant with Rosie!! They say your second always shows faster but my LORD!! I will post pics soon!

Thanks for the continues prayers and thoughts.