Fourth of July

Although missing Rosalynn is something that I do just every day, it's times like this weekend that make me miss her even more.

My parents always have some sort of Fourth of July celebration out at the farm. Foster and I always try to make it out, and usually succeed. This year we decided to head out the day before because he wanted to get some groundhog hunting in, zero out his new gun and scope, and I just wanted to relax.

Sunday was the big party. We had family and friends from all over show up, including my cousin with her beautiful two week old baby girl. Although the newborn made me excited for Avaleen to arrive, I mostly felt the sting of pain for the loss of Rosalynn. there is just something about little babies that make me miss her. Although she would be 15 months now, I will always picture her as a 5lb12oz baby girl, not a 15 month old, because that is the only way I ever saw her. I imagine what she may look like and be like at 15 months, but I only KNOW her as a newborn.

I started thinking about how this past 15 months of holidays have been missing someone, and then I realized that is how it will be from now on. No matter how many years pass, and no matter how many more children I have, there will always be someone missing. Presents missing from under the tree, one stocking missing from the mantle, one less hot dog eaten, one less pumkin carved, one less costume made/bought, one less Easter basket filled. It hurts my heart that for the next 40+ years, I will always have that feeling of incompleteness on the holidays.

Don't get me wrong, we had a lot of fun. The smell of slightly burnt hot dogs and juicy hamburgers filled the air while my cousins and uncles played games of cornhole. We had the horses out for the kids, and the sounds of James Taylor, Fleetwood Mac, Simon and Garfunkle, and other classics played in the background while conversations of family, college, vacations, and summer fun could be heard. There were so many people there, more people than I think even my mom expected, but there was just one little 15 month old missing. She should have been riding on the back of my horse with Foster, trying the many different foods available, and toddling after the four sheltie dogs that were running around, trying to avoid having her cookie stolen by one of them. She would have been donning her Red White and Blue summer dress, and IF she had any hair (I was bald till I was 2) I would have put it up in pigtails with a red and blue ribbon in each. She would have gotten to meet her 3rd cousin Caroline who is 2 and a half, and CC (the newborn) to see what her baby sister, Ava would be like in about 18 weeks. Then she would have clapped her little hands as her daddy set off all the pretty fireworks. And maybe, just maybe Foster would have been a little more cautious in setting the fireworks off since his daughter would be sitting in the crowd.

That's right, Foster ALMOST killed us AGAIN with fireworks! (Just read THIS post to get an idea of how we should have learned our lesson by now...Rule #5) He lit one in his hand and as he went to throw it in the air, the stick part apparently broke and the firework part came flying our way instead of out towards the field! Scared the living day lights out of us!

Overall it was a great weekend that I got to spend with the people that I care about most in my life, except poor Bug, she had to work. As we started setting off our fireworks for the closing of the party, I noticed there was some lightning high in the clouds to our west, and couldn't help but smile and think how Rosie must take afrter her dad, and was partaking in a little firework show of her own!  She may not have been with us there in person, but I definitely felt her all around us!

Cookouts, Groundhogs and Bridge Jumping

Well, it is official, we have made it through our first holiday without Rosie. The fourth means a lot to my family. I come from a family full of military service members. I have a retired Air force Colonel, a retired Navy pilot, decorated Army Lieutenant Colonel, Foster is an Army Captain, and my self and many of my cousins are currently scattered amongst the different branches. Independence Day signifies not only or nations independence, but also those who fought, died, and continue to fight for the freedoms that we all take for granted every day. My family and I always have a huge celebration on Fourth of July weekend. this year we had been planning on celebrating the 4th with family and friends at Mama JJ's house in New York. We had been planning for this to be the weekend that David and I took a trip with a 2 month old Rosie to NY to meet her extended family. Before losing both Mama JJ and Rosie, we had joked that Rosie and Mama JJ could hang out together because neither one of them would have an immune system.

The JJs' house is one that holds a place in my memory for summer holidays. The kids would be in the backyard playing in pools and with toys while the adults hung out in the front yard playing guitars, drinking beer, and listening to bands like Fleetwood Mac, James Taylor, and Tracey Chapman. We would play volleyball in the front yard, eat until we couldn't move, and watch as Papa JJ and my dad set off fireworks. It was going to be like old times this Fourth.

However, as you know, Mama JJ passed and instead of going to NY to celebrate, my parents decided to hold our fourth of July festivities at the farm. The whole day was bitter sweet. It was great to spend time with friends and family but I could not get how this weekend should have been out of my mind.

As soon as his feet hit the ground, Foster was on a mission to kill his ground hog for the day. I hung out with my mom and dad while we waited for the other guests to arrive. Some of JJ's family came, my aunt and uncle, a couple cousins, and a few family friends. We drank, ate WAY too much food, and Foster helped successfully set off a great firework show without setting anything on fire or taking out a spectator. I won fifty dollars by winning not one, but two texas hold'em tournaments. I was so ecstatic, because of all the times I have played against my father and my uncle, I have never beaten both of them. I usually come in second to one of them. However, last night I put them both out with one very lucky hand.

It was funny, because I had no cash to put in at the beginning, so I had to borrow ten dollars from Foster. He was hesitant because he doesn't agree with gambling for money. So it took me a bit, but I convinced him into coughing up ten dollars to let me play against the guys. You can imagine how thrilled he was when I handed him his ten dollars back and still had an extra fifty in my pocket. I think I impressed him with my mad poker skills. Maybe now he won't be so anxious about me losing money if I go to Vegas.

Rowdy and Reagan had an amazing time and are currently out for the count. They played with their brother Cleatus and Mama Jellybean. Of course Reagan is missing from this picture because she runs from the camera. We took them out to the covered bridge and taught them all to swim. Foster, Bug and Ky all jumped off the bridge but I could not get the guts to do it. I don't know why, I have jumped off this particular bridge numerous times, but the water was rally shallow, and I was afraid of breaking something. So I played with the pups and tried to avoid the water snakes.

This weekend was proof that yes, I can have fun on the holidays, but Rosie will forever be thought of on these family events, because she will from now on be the missing link.